The Sunshine of My Love
by InnocentGuilt
Summary: Warning: past!Mpreg, slash, angst, me. Three years before Jim entered Starfleet, he and Bones met in New Orleans. Now he has Joanna, his beautiful daughter...and Bones doesn't know about her. Now redone and revamped for your pleasure. Finished, bytheway..
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is a response to a prompt on LJ. Uh, beta'd by the lovely magicdaisy as per normal.

Random funny: I had, at one point, briefly mentioned to zephtastic that I would probably never write an mPreg...look what I wrote! Lesson: Never say never. It comes back to bite you in the ass.

Disclaimer: I'm just floating through someone else's dreams and prompts I own nothing

UPDATE as of 09/01/10: This is revamped and freaking_ hopefully_ it is devoid of all errors, made to look a little prettier, and all in all just ridiculously awesome. So, for any original readers who were waiting for me to fix it before printing it, saving it, flaming it…here ya go! For all new readers, yay for you waiting! You get the better version! (dances) Dance with me!

+ststst+

_Hands were everywhere on his body, trailing, mapping, racing with each other to memorize every single inch of his skin. Fingers played piano concertos on his ribs, over his chest, settling on his abdomen. He leaned back into the body behind him, a soft sigh escaping his lips as the man behind him picked up his pace, thrusting into him with short, even strokes. _

_He bit his lip, trying to hold onto this feeling, knowing even now that it wouldn't last forever. This connection, stronger than any other he had ever experienced, he knew he wouldn't keep it. He turned his head to the side, receiving an awkward, messy kiss that was perfect for the flaws in the angle and the small stutter in the hips behind him. He reached back with one hand, needing to touch as they continued to share this moment through every form of contact imaginable. _

_With his other hand, he entwined his fingers with the musical ones still twitching out music over the muscles of his stomach, guiding the other man's hand lower to grasp him, stroke him, connect them just that little bit more. He groaned into the kiss when the touch was made, the other having now trapped his fingers between his, working both their hands to bring him closer to completion. _

'_Don't have much time,' he heard, felt, and tasted as the words were breathed over his lips. _

_His brows furrowed, trying to keep up with the words that circled in his head as his body was stimulated and praised in a way he had never thought possible. He gazed into hazel eyes, his own blue marred with confusion and struggling to keep that feeling a pleasure kept wracking his body. He wouldn't last long, he knew that, but he wanted to last just a few seconds more, just a few seconds…_

'_Come on, darlin'. Come for me…' that last simple command and he seized, his body…_

Jim jolted awake, his hand automatically reaching for Bones', despite the fact that Bones hadn't been there for three years and when he had been it was only for three days. Still, the effect of the other man had lasted, and most days, still nights, and afternoons when he woke from any sort of sleep he reached for the hand that for three days had been draped across his abdomen almost anytime they were in bed.

He sighed tiredly when his hand met not the other strong hand of the man he had been harboring a lingering affection for since they parted on logical and amicable terms three years ago, but the mess that had been left over from his dream, waiting just under the seam of his boxers that had ridden up in his sleep. He shook his head, settling further into his pillow as he looked up at his alarm clock to check what time of night it was. It was early. He knew that automatically. These dreams never actually let him sleep through the night. As good as they were, Jim always woke up, his body too excited, and his mind hoping without reason that this time when he woke up it would be three years ago, and a tall, brunette man would be breathing heavily behind him.

It was five in the morning, which was pretty good, considering he usually woke up around three. He had about an hour and a half to himself before his life had to begin again, but he doubted he would be getting more sleep and honestly he liked having these little moments to himself.

He looked across the room, where he could see with the help of a nightlight another small bed. In it lay a small girl, almost three years old.

Bones' parting gift to him.

Joanna Lynn, Jim's daughter shared with an absent man who lived somewhere down south, had been born nine months exactly after Jim and Bones had parted. With chestnut hair, and Jim's same vibrant eyes she was easily the most beautiful child in all of Iowa. She had a smile that lit the darkest room and a mind that would have her teachers reeling for years to come. She was his pride and joy, constant annoyance and reason for living.

He knew from the second he found out about her than she would be his greatest joy, having always hungered for a family in the worst possible way. When she had been placed in his arms after he had awoken from his sedatives, he wasn't ashamed to admit that he had shed a few tears as he checked her hands and touched her feet in awe. And when she opened her eyes he knew it was love at first sight. The tired trust and love blinking up at him from Joanna's eyes had just been monumental. It was more than he could ever describe.

Almost three years later he was still in awe of that, despite the fact that she could be trying at times. Sleepless night when she was just a baby, trying to break her of her need to have a pacifier, and now potty training and nights where she just did not want to settle for bed…it could be stressful at times. But he wouldn't trade it for the world.

He hefted himself out of his bed, careful not to make an excessive amount of noise. Jo would most likely stay asleep until he woke her, seeing as she hadn't gone to sleep until midnight. However, it was better safe than sorry. He trudged out of their shared room, the only actual room in his apartment, and he set about his morning routine, getting ready for his shower to wipe away the mess his dream, memory really, had left him with.

Jim set about checking the locks and security to make sure that Jo couldn't open the door and wander out into the hall. He turned on the holoscreen, making sure to set it on cartoons and he left out a small bowl of cereal with a glass of milk and spoon, so that she could eat in case he didn't get out of the shower before she went foraging for food. He doubted he would be in the shower for long, but just in case, he always liked to make sure that she was properly occupied.

When he had completed his morning checklist, he entered into the small box of a bathroom and stripped down, not bothering to check the mirror to see how tired he looked this morning, because it was always the same. He always looked as if he couldn't sleep for more than three hours, and he knew that was a point of contention with the few people who actually cared for him. They all offered at different intervals to take Joanna for the night, but without her there with him, Jim found that he could hardly sleep at all.

He stepped under the spray of the shower head, letting out a small moan as his muscles relaxed under the heat. His mind went back to his dream, not for jerking material, but just to, yet again, wonder about his sanity that he was still so obsessed with a man he had only known for three days three-nearly-four years ago. He wasn't sure it was normal for anyone to be that hung up on someone who was little more than a stranger.

When he had gone down to New Orleans for his nineteenth birthday, he knew he had gone to let off steam, have a bit of good dirty fun. And he had. The first few days of his weeklong trip had been spent with a different person each night. They would have their fun for a few hours and either he would leave back to his hotel room, or they would.

On the fourth night though, at a local bar, close to a cemetery he had been taking a tour at, he met Bones. Tall, strong, mostly silent unless he ordered another whiskey, and with the greatest ass Jim had ever seen on a man, it had been impossible for Jim not to go over and strike up a conversation. Bones had been in New Orleans for a week already, attending medical conference after medical conference, and generally escaping his wife, whom he had just discovered had not one, but multiple affairs.

He was letting loose, and Jim…saw the perfect opportunity. They had talked for hours, which had been irksome at the time. Jim had just been looking for some quick fun, and Bones had looked like he needed to use Jim for some hard memory-erasers. It had been kind of fun though. They just went on inanely about anything from the freakishly old man dancing with a young woman who didn't look a day over sixteen, to the service of the barkeep. It was nice and Jim had never really connected with any of his conquest the way he did with Bones, whom Jim had named for the song that had been playing in the background when they met.

When they went back to Jim's hotel room, the next two hours had been spent creating the most amazing sex Jim had ever experienced, and when Bones asked him if it would be okay to crash with him, Jim had been way too tired to even contemplate saying no.

Waking up with that hand resting loosely across his stomach and deep, loud breathing ruffling the hair on the back of his head had been disconcerting at first, but as he settled in again, ready to go back to sleep for the rest of the morning, he realized it was kind of nice. He had never woken with anyone in the bed with him. He was a leaver and most of the people he brought back to the room with him were leavers as well.

After he had awoken the second time with that same hand still against his stomach, he had decided that maybe the spending the rest of his vacation with Bones wouldn't be such a drag. He had, for all intents and purposes, enjoyed actually talking with someone who didn't think he was a complete idiot, and also wasn't a complete idiot himself. And the sex was_ phenomenal_!

Their next two and a half days had been spent practically glued at the hip, dining together, drinking together, and sleeping together. Jim had physically felt something in his chest being crushed when Bones said his wife was calling. Bones had gone on and on about how he should probably be starting over, and how his wife probably wouldn't change her ways, but as he came back from outside the café they had been at in the French Quarter, Jim knew that wasn't the case.

Their time together had ended four hours later, with one last roll in Jim's bed, before Bones went back to his hotel room to pack and find a shuttle back to where ever he had come from. Jim had never been so happy that they hadn't exchanged names, or numbers, or anything stupid like that. Bones had been Bones and Jim had been Kid. They didn't know where the other had come from, and only knew the vaguest details about what had made the other want to come to New Orleans in the first place.

Six weeks later when he had come down with a flu that simply refused to ebb, Jim went to his neighbor and only friend to discover that he had been given a birthday gift from a man who hadn't even known he was getting him a present.

Jim stepped out of the shower, shaking the water out of his hair and grabbing the towel from its rack. He toweled himself dry, pausing for a few moments to run his fingers over the silver lines that had stayed on his stomach, even after he regained his normal body build, as well as the dark pink line where the doctor had performed the Caesarean.

He wrapped the towel around his waist before he went to the living room to search through his laundry basket for some clean clothes. He was better about Jo's clothing, but he didn't care about his. He worked at a mechanic shop, so they always looked dirty and wrinkled even if they were clean and pressed.

When he was dressed he settled down on his ancient couch and picked up his even older padd to read for the last hour before he had to wake Jo.

+ststst+

Jim had forgotten about the milk he set out for Joanna's cereal, so when he went to the kitchen to grab things for Ms. McCurdy, Jo's babysitter, he had to dump the glass of warm milk into his sink. It was kind of a waste, but Jim usually didn't do it that often, so he wasn't too angry with himself. He hardly even thought about it as he pulled out two apples and Jo's favorite lunch kit.

He then went back into their room with her bag in his hand, turning the lights up to forty percent as he entered. Jo made a small noise of protest, her small hands going up to wipe at her face before she turned away from the light.

Jim smiled as he went over to her small bed, setting her bag against the side. "Jo-bear, it's time to wake up. Gotta go see Ms. McCurdy."

The noise of protest came again, and continued until Jim sat on the side of her bed. He stared at her exposed head, her hair, wild and curly, covering her face from him. With an exaggerated sigh, he reached out and began tickling her, the only sure fire way he knew she would not only wake up, but get out of her bed, too.

The ear splitting shriek was common place, so Jim barely flinched when it assaulted his ears. She squirmed and writhed beneath his finger tips. He heard a few breathless, 'Daddy's between her peals of laughter. His smile was radiant, too, as he finally let up and pulled her out from under her blanket to set her on the floor.

She glared up at him stubbornly, reminding him of her other father. "That wasn't nice, daddy!" she huffed, crossing her arms petulantly over her chest.

Jim shrugged. "Daddy's aren't supposed to be nice, Jo-bear. We're supposed to wake sleeping pirates up, and make them get dressed, and brush their hair…we're really quite evil."

She looked like she couldn't agree more, her large blue eyes still glaring up at him and her bottom lip pushed defiantly out. He wasn't deterred, having been on the receiving end of that look more than his fair share of times. He just tugged her to him, pulling her night gown up over her head before checking her overnight pull ups.

Second night in a row she had kept them dry.

He smiled at her proudly, which helped with her glare a little. She couldn't keep a pouty face if he was smiling.

"You need to go potty, baby?" he asked.

Finally her glower broke completely, and she nodded. "Yeah, I gotta go potty."

He led her, nearly completely naked, to the bathroom, where she insisted she could go by herself. He nodded and left the room, but left the door open. When she came back out the pull up had been left on the bathroom floor, because she wasn't quite coordinated enough to pull them back up by herself. Jim left them there to deal with after he had her dressed and eating her cereal. It wasn't like they were wet after all.

Jim gasped theatrically when he saw her lack of all clothing. "It's a nakey-baby!" he proclaimed, causing her to giggle and run away from him as fast as her little legs would carry her. He took off after her at a quick walk, enough to stay close to her, but let her think that she could escape him for the few seconds before he scooped her up and took her back to their room. "We gotta get that bottom pants-ed before she goes back to her heathen ways!"

Her laughter was music to his ears and he scooped her up with a chuckle of his own.

"Pirates don't like pants, daddy," Jo told him seriously. "Pirates like be'en nakey."

"Ah," he said, studiously. "Well, this pirate needs pants if she wants to see Ms. McCurdy. Otherwise, I'll just have to lock you up in your room, like all the other bad pirates' parents do."

She wiggled in Jim's arms, until she had her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, her face tucked under his chin for protection. "No, daddy! I don't wanna be 'lone!"

She pulled back just long enough to look in to his eyes, her own wide with actual anxiety; as if she were afraid he would actually leave her in the apartment while he went to work. Jim shook his head at her, but kept on with it.

Jo didn't quite get the concept of jokes yet. She laughed when others did, but beyond that…

"Well, then," he said with a sigh, "we'll get you dressed and you can go to Ms. McCurdy's while daddy is at work."

She nodded, seriously as he set her down on the floor, pulling out and dressing her in her clothing for the day. When they were done with that small task, Jim took her to the kitchen and settled her in her seat, positioning it to where she could see the holoscreen while she ate. Jim kept her company at the table, reminding her to eat her cereal if she got too engrossed in the cartoons that were playing. Every now and then, the cartoon would demand that the kids watching it participate, and she would scream out, "Go!" at the top of her lungs.

When she was done, they found themselves in the bathroom again, Jo on a step-stool, brushing her teeth lazily while Jim tried to put her hair up into a high ponytail. She kept moving her head, though, because in her mind, it was easier than moving her arm to brush her back teeth. Jim eventually gave up and just waited until she was done with her teeth, and she had spit out her toothpaste, one, two, three, four times.

After she was finished, and had washed her mouth out with water, mouthwash, and water again, Jim went back to his task, finally getting her long hair up into a ponytail. She made faces in the mirror at Jim, while he brushed her curls onto less of a frizzy mess and into more tame, prettier version of her hair, which would be a complete and total mess by the time he picked her up after work ended.

With that done, they headed to Jim's neighbor, Ms. McCurdy.

+ststst+

Ms. McCurdy, Maggie Jay, to her friends, was only about ten years older than Jim, with dark red hair and vibrant green eyes. She had been with Jim since he had returned from New Orleans, and practically glued him to her side since he found out about his little girl growing rapidly inside his body. She was a nurse, but she worked opposite schedule of Jim as head nurse of the swing shift. She would watch Jo in the mornings, until she went to work at five, just a scant thirty minutes after Jim picked his daughter up.

Jim dropped Jo off at her apartment, only staying for a brief five minutes while Jo crawled onto her chair to watch the same cartoons she had seen at their place. Once he was sure that she wouldn't miss him leaving, he snuck back out, down the staircase, and out to the parking lot, where his old hovercar waited valiantly to take him to work.

He parked at the back of the building, next to his manager's car, and for just a few moments, he yet again took some time to himself. It was a morning routine now. He tended to need these seconds to ramp himself up to actually go in there. For as much as he liked his job, and he did, he could never get over the monotony of it, of Riverside in general.

His apartment was his only source of newness, a place that generally lacked routine. Joanna was fabulous when it came to spicing up life, and Ms. McCurdy came over sporadically to throw his evenings into chaos. Outside though, in the real world, he couldn't help feeling that there was nothing new. Everything in Riverside was as it always had been, with very few changes ever happening. The only thing new was the gossip and that too tended to cycle.

It was boring, and he hated it.

He hated that he had been here for so long, and that there was very little hope to ever escape. He detested the very idea of Jo spending her entire life here. Riverside had nothing to offer his little girl. She would never be accepted. She was too smart, too pretty, and worst of all she was way too much like Jim. His stigma was already carrying over to her, and he just couldn't stand that.

When he had actually sent her to a daycare center as a baby, she had been a fussy child. She didn't like anything they did, and nothing would sooth her until he got there. Somehow that meant that she would never be accepted and that they should all just ignore her. They didn't necessarily ignore her, of course, but he had come to pick her up and had overheard a conversation between two of the girls there, one telling the other to 'only check the Kirk girl about every hour or so.'

He rolled his eyes.

He took this time to amp himself up, not rile himself up. He took a deep breath and pushed his door open, entering in through the back door with his key.

"Honey, I'm home!" he called through the empty storeroom.

From one of the rows, his manager Marcus came out and glared at him from under his bushy brows. "You're late, Kirk."

"No, I'm not. I'm on time just like I always am," he flashed Marc a cocky smile as he went to the front to clock in.

Marc just rolled his eyes and disappeared into the row. Jim was on time, actually. He hadn't been late to this job since he had landed it two years ago. Marc was just like that, though. He gave all of his employees a hard time, and since Jim had been around the longest, he was prone to get a healthy portion of the attitude. From what Michy, Marc's wife, said, the more he liked someone the more unbearable he became.

Jim wasn't saying it was fun, but grouch was different to be around.

He unlocked the front by himself, and prepared for a day of doing little to nothing. They didn't have many customers at the moment, and the few that they did wouldn't need Jim to fix anything major. Most likely they would need Helen, their stereo and paint expert. Jim would just sit at the computer and play chess all day, until Marc came by and told him to do inventory or something equally as menial.

All run of the mill.

All horrifically routine.

Helen came in just then, yelling back at Marc, "I don't need your shit every morning, Marcus! Once a week is plenty!" She rolled her dark brown eyes and glared at Jim as he leaned back on the register. "What are you looking at, pretty boy?"

Helen did not like Jim. Not at all. They had had a fling just before he left for New Orleans…and well, it hadn't ended well. When he came back knocked up, she had made it her personal mission in life to make him feel like the lowest of all creatures. Not that he really held it against her. At the time, he kind of had felt like the lowest of all creatures, even when Maggie Jay was yelling at him for feeling like that. Now though, she was just mean to everything with a dick.

Jim sometimes wondered if he had done that to her, but couldn't find it in himself to really care. He had made it very clear that there would be no 'them' when they started screwing around. If she couldn't handle that then she should have told him 'no' four years ago, instead of harboring this unneeded hatred.

He smiled, just to piss her off more. "I was looking for the pterodactyl screeching in the store. Kinda shocked me to find out it was you."

She pulled a 'sad face' which really only made her look constipated. "Is that the best you got? Here you're always saying you're a genius, and you can't even make a decent insult." She tossed her long braided hair over her shoulder, before crossing her arms defiantly. "Honestly, Kirk, if you can't find something nice to say, be a good dog, and don't speak."

"If we're going by that rule, shouldn't you have a muzzle?"

"Try it, pretty boy!" she growled, tossing her hair over her shoulder again before she went back into the depths of the store, presumably to bitch at Marc for 'keeping that prick employed.'

Jim shrugged, turning back to the computer to do some quick checks on their inventory before he pulled up a game of chess.

+ststst+

Jim was working on his sixth game of chess when his monotony was broken. The front door slid open, and though he couldn't see who it was through all the shelves that were blocking his view, he heard the distinct giggle of his daughter, and the shuffling of her little feet as she ran around the shelves like the mechanic's shop was some sort of wonderland.

Marc came out from one of the aisles, looking around wildly. His bushy moustache wiggled under his nose as he pursed his lips, slowly stalking through the store for Joanna. "I hear that monster laughing," he said into the store, causing more giggles to erupt from Jo. The door slid open again and over one of the shelves he could see dark red hair coming closer to the register where Jim was always located.

Ms. McCurdy came into view just as Marc went to go looking for Joanna. Her green eyes focused on Marc for a moment, before going to the thick salt-and-pepper hair devouring his upper lip. They stayed like that for a few minutes, and Jim could see from his counter that Marc was forming a glare as Maggie Jay took a deep breath. "Your moustache looks very nice today, Marc. Did Michy groom it for you this morning?"

He glared at her, wholly unimpressed. His moustache had been a constant point of contention with at least half the women in Riverside. All of them wanted him to shave it off, and since he had kept it for well over six months, Maggie Jay had made it her business to comment on it every time she saw him. Mostly, they were subtle barbs, but sometimes she went as far as pulling on it and telling Marc it was almost time to euthanize the tribble.

"There really are days I want to cut the power to your braking systems." He shook his head and stalked off, reaching into his pocket for the lollipop he hid there just in case moments like these happened and Jo showed up at the store.

Maggie Jay tilted her head just a bit to the left, before she looked up to Jim. "Check my brakes before I leave, will you?"

He smiled and nodded. "What are you doing here?" he asked as she walked up to him in her normal, I'm-a-nurse-and-I need-to-be-everywhere-now way that she had.

She reached the counter with a disinterested look on her face, looking around presumably for Helen, whom she despised almost more that Jim did. "Jo wanted to see you, and I figured, since it was almost your lunch break, that it wouldn't hurt anything."

"Gimme fifteen minutes and I'll be ready to go," he said, minimizing his chess game and pulling up inventory…just in case someone came in while he was gone. Marc didn't like the simple task of minimizing one screen to pull up another. He was prone to get cranky and actually make Jim mop instead of the small little droids they had to sweep up the store, and Jim was expressly allergic to any physical labor that didn't involve a car.

She shrugged and played with one of the rearview mirror decorations that littered Jim's counter, one of the tentacle-looking monster-thingies that glowed when you smacked it against something. She twiddled with it for a second, before asking in that calm way she had, "Are you going to the bar tonight?"

He looked at her curiously. "No, you work, don't you? Hard to go to a bar with a two year old." He looked back at the screen, more for something to do, than the need to actually look at it. "Besides, I think I'm reaching the end of my bar-hopping days."

He had to be. He had Jo, and as much as he would like to maybe, one day meet someone willing to have a family with someone who already had a family, he sincerely doubted he would meet that person in a bar. He sincerely doubted he would meet that person in Riverside. Maybe if he moved and when Jo was a little older, he would start going out more, but he liked his alone time with her. Hell, he didn't even mind sharing it with Maggie Jay. He didn't think that he should disappear so randomly for a night when Jo was so young.

Maggie gave him a bland look, her thin lips disappearing as she pursed her lips. "I switched shifts with one of my nurses," she said sternly. "And you're only twenty-two, Jim. You need to get out further than work, or my apartment. You haven't gone out in a month, and I don't know when the last time you got laid was."

He looked at her in horror, wondering why the hell she had thought about things like that. But she just rolled her eyes, and pointed her finger at him. "Tonight is Starfleet night, remember?"

He gave a humorless snort. "With all the red people roaming Riverside lately, it's hard to forget."

"Yes, well, tonight is the night they're stopping over for a bit of relaxation and rest. Lots of new people, who don't know Jim Kirk, or who he is, or even what he did. They could help relieve some of your tension," she said wisely, folding her arms onto the counter to look up at him, as if daring him to argue.

"I'm not tense," he denied quickly.

"Whatever you say, Jim," she dismissed with a lazy shrug of her shoulder. "I'm watching Jo for the night. Just go to the bar, okay?"

He met her gaze, forcing a sigh out. He didn't want to argue with her, but he just didn't feel like it. He always went to the bar on Starfleet night, and he just…really didn't feel like it this year. He was content to stay at the apartments and bother Maggie and play with Jo. He didn't know how to explain that to her though. He knew he had been staying inside a lot these days, but was that so bad? He thought it was better than maintaining his title of slut and delinquent, especially for the sake of Jo.

Maggie Jay looked like she had already made up her mind, though, and would probably lock Jim out of her apartment until she knew he had gone out and done something.

He was about to begrudgingly give her his promise, when Helen came up to his side, a cold smile twisting her lips. Jim rolled his eyes, having been quite fine with ignoring her for the rest of his day. She apparently had other plans, and the only thing he could be thankful for was the fact the Jo was being entertained by Marc. "Who's going to the bar?" she asked.

"Eavesdropping is one of your less attractive qualities, Helen. Shouldn't you be painting death threats onto my car?" Maggie asked with mock-curiosity, her green eyes betraying her boredom and the sheer depth of disdain she held for Helen.

"You would be so lucky to have my art on your car," she snapped haughtily. She took a moment to compose herself, flicking her hair over her shoulder. Her dark brown eyes flicked between them, and she sighed with a false calm as she hoisted herself onto the counter. "So, Jimmy's going to the bar, huh? Gonna soil the name of Riverside for another year?"

"Your acidic attitude is your least attractive feature. Clamp it or I'll find a muzzle for it!" Maggie said just as quickly as Helen let the barb out of her mouth, and her vibrant green eyes narrowed dangerously on the other woman as if calculating the different ways she could kill her, and make it look like an accident. She was a nurse after all.

Jim was just struck by the irony that this was the second time someone had threatened to muzzle his coworker today.

"Shouldn't you let your pet fight his own battles, Ms. McCurdy?"

The women turned to have a staring contest, which he bet that Maggie Jay would win, only because the woman was made of pure dilithium and Helen was barely made of aluminum. He shook his head, determined not to get in the middle of the quarrel, even if it was over him. He just didn't feel like it. Didn't feel like involving himself in anything Helen brought up. She just wasn't worth it. Maggie could handle herself just as well with him as without him.

Marc came out from the depths of the store, Jo in one arm just then. He took one look at the scene, and more importantly at the fact the Helen was on his counter, which was a big no-no in Marc's code of conduct. "Hey! Get off my damn counter! Does this look like a jungle gym?" he yelled, startling Jo to the point that she stared at him with a frown, lollipop stick poking between her lips.

Helen jumped off the counter as if she had been burned, glaring at the three of them, probably convinced they were the entire reason the world suffered at all. Not that any of them cared; hell, Jim actually felt pretty smug about it.

He smiled at her obnoxiously, giving a light shrug. Then turning back to Jo, he said, "Hey, Jo-bear. Were you looking for me?"

Her blue eyes focused on him and she broke out into a large grin, displaying her orange-tinted teeth for him. "Daddy!" she yelled, wiggling from Marc's arms and running around the counter to Jim. He picked her up and pressed a kiss to her temple before he settled her on the counter by this computer console. She pulled her sucker out of her mouth and held it out for him to see. "Marc gave me sucker!"

From beside him, Jim heard Helen mutter, "How fucking_ sweet_," before she walked away, obviously feeling a little put out because Jo could be on the counter while she could not. At least that's what Jim was chocking it up to.

"That was nice of him," he said to Jo, while glancing up at his boss, who looked uncomfortable with being 'ratted out.' He looked back down to Jo. "Did you say 'thank you?'"

Manners were another thing they were having difficulties with. Jo didn't seem to think, as a pirate and all, that she should be made to use manners. Either that, or Jim really was a bad influence. Lord knew he still struggled to say thank you. He did try for Jo. He would like her to have some semblance of couth.

She nodded and stuck her lollipop back into her mouth, reaching out to him demandingly. Jim sighed and pulled her into his arm, looking at his boss again as he did so. "I'm going to lunch, Marc."

"Do the inventory first, Kirk," he said, moving to where Jim had been and frowning, presumably when he saw the minimized chess game.

"On it, Marc." He didn't even turn around to say it. He was already heading out the front door with Maggie Jay trailing idly behind him.

"Do it, or you're fired, Kirk."

"Impervious, Marc."

Jim and Maggie Jay heard mumblings but neither really picked up on what had been said by Jim's manager. Neither of them honestly cared either. Marc just liked to grump. It was part of his charm.

+ststst+

(still dancing)

InnocentGuilt


	2. Chapter 2

Jim arrived at Shipyard Bar way before anyone else did. Not surprising really. He entered around six, well before most of the normal patrons felt the need to keep with their monotonous routine. They didn't normally start trickling in until about seven or eight, so as of when Jim entered there were only about six people, including the odd off-worlder, who had the elongated jaw that resembled some sort of primate. His name was beyond impossible to pronounce, so most of the patrons had made up names for him.

Jim didn't even bother. Jim didn't talk to him that much, so a made-up name was all but pointless. If he wanted his attention, a polite tap on the shoulder was just as effective. He was, however, sitting on the stool next to the one Jim liked to occupy, having gone far enough in his younger years as to actually write his name at the bottom of the seat. That had sparked an interesting debate and subsequent fight. Apparently it was rude to etch your name into something and then push the person sitting on it off. At eighteen, Jim really hadn't cared, and he was meaner than the jackass who hadn't moved, even if he was smaller.

Jim sidled up to his seat and looked around behind the seemingly empty bar counter for a bartender.

The door to the backroom opened then, and Jim snapped his head up to see Johnny, a young man just three years or so older than he was, carrying a case of beer, presumably to stock in the chiller. When his eyes landed on Jim, a small frown worried at his brows.

"Jim!" he exclaimed, coming up behind the bar and clunking the case on to the counter. He leaned down next the box, close to Jim, and his green eyes sparked with curiosity, looking for good gossip like any good Riverside resident did. "Where you been, man? I thought that ravine had taken claim of your soul!"

Jim smiled at the almost fond memories the ravine brought up. It had been a long time since he and whoever he could normally scrape together went out to crash sight of his father's antique car. It had lost its appeal around the time Jim turned sixteen, and he had moved on to find better places to party, namely in almost anyone's bedroom, and out of the immediate reach of the cops. As far as he knew, a lot of the 'rebel' kids still went down there though. Still partied around the desolate, skeletal remains of a man's pride long since gone. Still gave the cops something to do in their spare time.

"I haven't been out there in_ years_, Johnny," he said with a chuckle a shake of his head. "No, I've been staying with Jo. Haven't had time to really come out and be sociable."

Johnny rolled his eyes, straightening up to begin stocking the chiller. "I don't know how you do it, Jimbo. I love my brats as much as the next man, but I'd go stir crazy if I stayed with them as much as you do with your girl."

He pulled a beer out, one that had already been chilled and passed it to Jim, who took it with a grateful nod. He didn't comment on how much time he spent with Jo, and he didn't comment on how little time Johnny spent with his three boys. He supposed still having an entire family went a long way in helping that. Johnny's wife, Livy, was a classical mom. Spent all her time at home watching their kids grow up while Johnny went out and had fun and refused responsibility for the 'brats,' as he called them.

Jim didn't have that, and if he did, he still didn't think he could be like Johnny. He was too crazy about Joanna. She was fun, and did cute things, and she reminded him so much of Bones that it just made this place seem lackluster.

Jim changed the subject smoothly. "You ready for the infestation of cadets swarming through this place?"

"Oh, ho ho!" Johnny laughed. "I've been ready for it since this time last year." A smile was eating at his handsome face as he went about busily stocking everything for the night ahead. "You know, the one night all those cadets are here, they spend enough credits to keep this place going for six months easy. Some just barely old enough to drink, some probably not old enough to drink, but what the hell do I care y'know? We were young too, once. We did the same things. As long as they're smart enough not to get caught…"

Jim tipped his bottle indulgently, not really caring to hear anything the other man had to say. He didn't care about this bar anymore. It had lost his appeal. He was only here thanks to Maggie Jay and her infinite wisdom that he needed to get out more, and this was the only place in all of Riverside he could actually go 'out' to. He didn't like eating by himself and he didn't want to go see any new thriller. As marginally okay as the company was turning out, he really didn't want it.

Johnny had been fun for a while. He was the cool older boy who didn't care if Jim went places with the older group his brother ran around with before he left. It had been nice to have someone who didn't care if the too smart, too mouthy eleven year old ran around with him, when most of Riverside told Jim point blank that they didn't want to see his face. He had made Jim feel welcome and it was nice, especially in a time ruled by Frank, Sam's anger, misplaced and not, and his mother, who just didn't fucking care.

After fifteen, when the dust had settled after Tarsus IV and he had been released into the custody of himself, Johnny wasn't the same, no one was the same to him, and he wasn't the same to them. He had heard their whispers, talking about the wild child before his mother sent him away and the feral heathen they had gotten back. It was no big secret that he hadn't meshed well into their society after his return. By the time he started sleeping around and fighting anything that breathed on him wrong, he was labeled 'lost cause.' When he started racking up a record at the courthouse, he was the foul of all their eyes, and he liked it that way.

He had his small group of acquaintances, like Johnny and at the time Helen, but they didn't hang out with him because they liked him. Helen liked his reputation, and Johnny liked the people Jim attracted. But even they lost any interest they had in him by the time he was eighteen. Women and some guys liked what he could do to them, or what they could do to him, but otherwise he was just a good source for rumors and casting judgment.

That hadn't changed in the last five years. He was still Riverside's 'fuck up resident,' that 'Kirk boy who couldn't do anything right.' Even after he had come back from New Orleans, and had slowed down tremendously, for a full year they had whispered about how abnormal he was, or how Karma was apparently catching up with him. Being a pregnant male had done nothing for his reputation. If anything, it made it worse.

Riverside hated him, and though the residents were sometimes nice to him, and were courteous enough not to bring up his misgivings while he was sitting right in front of them, he knew he wasn't really welcome. Johnny liked that he was out because it would mean good gossip that he could take home to his wife. Anyone else he came in contact with, anyone who wasn't wearing red tonight, they only wanted to see how right they were about him, even if they weren't. They wanted to spin tales and spruce up their pitiful monotonous lives.

Still, if he wanted to be let back into the apartments tonight, he needed to at least pretend he cared.

At least the alcohol would make it easier.

He took three deep pulls of his beer, feeling a bit of the tension wear away.

Maybe Maggie Jay had been right. Maybe he was tense. He didn't like to think about it, but he had been going full tilt at too many things lately. Full time dad, full time job, full time genius, full time outcast. It was a lot of preoccupations to have.

He all but inhaled the rest of the beer and set the bottle on the counter with a content sigh. He stared at it for a few seconds, considered doing the smart thing and not getting ahead of himself. However, as he looked up at Johnny, caught his eye and the glimmer of something smug hanging in there, he all but threw away his inhibitions. Maggie Jay was watching Jo for the night. He didn't have to work tomorrow. He didn't want to be here in the first place.

He may as well not remember it.

"Johnny, get me some vodka," he demanded, sliding his empty bottle away from him.

He knew he probably shouldn't. Vodka and he did not mix well. He and anything alcoholic didn't really mix well. There was no such thing as a calm drunk, but he tended to blow it all out of proportion. If he thought he was invincible and smart while sober, he was the fucking offspring of Superman and Da Vinci when he was drunk. His mouth got looser, and he didn't mind telling everyone_ exactly_ what he thought of them, their dumb damn dogs, and the stupid town they had right here in bum-fucked Iowa.

He was going to get in so much trouble. He acknowledged that as he took the first shot, pulling a small face at the burn. As long as he didn't get thrown in jail, though, he didn't think it'd be that bad. He didn't care about being thrown out of the bar. He had been thrown out of more important places. Hell, if he was kicked out, maybe Maggie would leave him the hell alone.

The second shot went down smooth, and he felt a smirk pulling at the corner of his lips.

Tonight was going to be so much fun. Too bad he had no intention of remembering it.

+ststst+

Johnny kept him from over doing it, the prick.

"Gotta pace yourself, Jimbo," he said as he put the vodka back under the table. "You at least gotta wait until all the others get here. They need to see you in all your infamous glory."

Jim had waved the bird at him lazily, now thoroughly relaxed. The alien next to his seat looked at him vaguely, following his hand gesture before he went back to his drink. He was clearly just as uninterested in Jim as the human was in him.

Jim bided his time by tearing the logo off his beer bottles and then the bottles that his silent companion racked up. Jim vaguely wondered if his species could get drunk, because this one looked fine and Jim had pulled the paper off at least eight bottles and those were just the ones the alien had had while Jim had been there.

Two hours later, everyone finally started trickling in, and Johnny started upping the shots he slid to Jim. By his sixth one for the night, he was hunched over the counter, one arm resting against it, while he looked around the bar. He wondered if he should go be social or let them come to him. He knew he was good-looking, there was no denying that. His build had returned nearly three weeks after Jo's birth. His eyes were some sort of magnet, and damn if his smile wasn't like some sort of beacon.

Now if only he could find it in him to smile at anyone.

He turned back to his beer, the chaser of champions and took another pull from it. Even with all the alcohol swimming through his system, he just wasn't quite feeling up to playing socialite. Johnny passed Jim another shot, and he knocked it back quickly, before staring off into space. It was getting dark outside, and glancing at the old style, neon clock on the wall, he could see it was nearing eight.

He had been tipsy way too long. It was time to get down to brass tacks. He called for three shots this time, downing them all quickly and almost too rapidly to notice the aftertaste. It hit him all at once, and suddenly the bar wasn't just an accessory. It was a very vital part of his standing ability. He took a deep breath and settled further onto his stool.

From the other side of the bar, Johnny laughed. "You may wanna take it easy, Jim. It's been a while since you drank this much."

Jim glared at him. "If I wanted a motherhen, I would call Maggie Jay."

The monkey-looking man gave him a glance before he finished his beer. Jim smiled genially at the alien man, who passed his empty bottle for him to fidget with. Johnny left him to mess with the wrapper, obviously having realized that it was pointless to argue with a drunken man, and more than that, a drunken Kirk. Jim was glad to see him go. His silent companion was so much more fun, especially with the cheap entertainment he kept giving Jim.

He was halfway through carefully removing the logo when he heard a woman's voice giving the most impressive order of drinks Jim had ever heard. Seriously, she must be drinking for an entire Starfleet class. He couldn't help but take interest immediately and sloshed himself over the counter.

"That's a lot of drinks for one woman," he said conversationally as he got a look at the most enticing looking woman he had seen in a_ very_ long time! Tall and limber, with the prettiest long black hair Jim had ever seen on any woman. She was stunning.

And she was not in the slightest bit interested in Jim.

She spared him a glance before turning to Johnny. "And a shot of Jack, straight up."

Jim couldn't help trying to charm her. He may be a little rusty but he didn't think he could lose the touch. And even if she wasn't interested, at least he actually talked to someone. No one could accuse him of not trying.

He offered to buy her shot, which was denied. They exchanged names, or more to the point, he gave her his name and coerced hers from her pretty lips. Uhura was a tough one, and he was enjoying the challenge. He liked that she didn't give into his charm. It gave her depth and a certain quality that he couldn't put his finger on. He liked that she gave him a reason to keep talking. From the looks of it, she didn't hate it too terribly either. He pushed himself, boldly and quickly, hoping that he didn't trip over himself, away from the counter and walked with the rest of his beer in a semi-reasonable manner to her side.

Uhura, from a place with no first names, put up with it at the very least, even quirking an interested brow when he stunned her with his brilliance. Or at least IQ higher than ninety. Her eyes focused on him for the first time in their short chat when he gave her the three important parts of xenolinguisitcs. Even though she gave him probably one of the worst blows to his ego since Helen had stumbled upon his pregnancy, she kind of looked to be enjoying herself in a sadistic sort of way and enjoying the way he took her insults.

It was kind of nice, despite his detestation of being called 'hick.' He would gladly take man-whore over that.

He felt like he was winding up again. He almost felt social and he was enjoying himself, with the help of the alcohol and the sassy Uhura. She was pretty and smart, and she laughed when he turned her insult into a joke, telling her that he didn't_ only_ sleep with farm animals. He was about to tell her that aside from his grandparents house he had never even seen farm animals, maybe strike up a normal conversation since she didn't seem interested in_ anything_ else, and really he was just a bit glad for that, even though Maggie Jay was right. He hadn't gotten laid in close to six months. He didn't feel the urge to at the moment, either. He would take her company quite happily.

Obviously, he was only meant to enjoy the company of pretty women in short burst though. Before he could even tell Uhura about himself or the fact that he honestly hated farm animals, a big, burly man with a balding head, slowly joined by even more big, burly men.

"This townie isn't bothering you, right?" the head honcho asked, seeming very concerned for Uhura, even though Jim was pretty sure she could take him down better than he and his hulks could. Jim hadn't been in a fight for a long time, but he bet the instincts never really went away.

Uhura, still laughing from Jim's reply to her insult, said, "Oh, beyond belief, but it's nothing I can't handle."

Jim wasn't positive, but he felt that that was a dismissal for the Brute Squad, and a strange offer for Jim to continue. He raised his brows at her, tilting his head in curiosity. "You could handle me?" he said cockily, alcohol working quickly to turn everything anyone said into sexual innuendo. "That's an invitation."

"Hey!" the man said, "You better mind your manners."

"Oh, relax, cupcake, it was a joke." Jim soothed, because it was. He meant the lovely Ms. Uhura no harm, and though he was kind of impressed by the man's do-gooder ways, he wanted the balding man and his posse to_ go away._ He was having fun, and they were spoiling it by playing Protector Cadets.

He turned back to Uhura, intent on apologizing if she had been in any way offended by him. He was a big boy and he could smooth things over if he had the right incentive, and feeling this okay with someone other than his daughter or Maggie Jay was definitely the right incentive. He could take a hint and get the men to leave him alone.

When he was grabbed roughly be the shoulder, though, his intent was obviously shot to hell. He stumbled around to face 'Cupcake' and his cakettes, his tension coming back all at once. He didn't like being manhandled. It reminded him of Frank and Tarsus and a little bit of hospitals and all three were not the best memories for him.

And then he was insulted. He called Jim 'farmboy,' which was even worse than 'hick,' and implied that he was too stupid to count how many men were more than willing to kick his ass. It shouldn't have surprised him. It wasn't like he had a stereotypical 'I'm a genius, hear me roar' look going for him, but was that really the first thing everyone thought about him? Today alone he had been called stupid seven times, and two of them by complete strangers.

He was irritated, to say the least. He forced a smirk, telling Cupcake, "Well, get some more guys and then it'll be an even fight." And then just because the alcohol was working wonders, he tapped the guy's cheeks rudely and demeaningly.

Both he and Uhura, who had been watching with slowly hardening eyes, turned back towards the bar, but before he could turn all the way around he saw the familiar tensing Cupcake displayed. The slight step back to gain better footing, pulling his arm back and tightening in his face were all very familiar signs to Jim. He had seen more of those movements in his life than he had seen smiles directed towards him.

Jim turned towards him. Why, he wasn't sure, because he knew that doing so would only land him a face full of fist, but his higher brain functions were obviously a little more impaired than he had originally assumed. Instead of ducking, he turned around so that his cheek could meet the full force of Cupcake's swing, sending Jim careening into the bar again.

That pain, too, was familiar, and felt his heart rate pick up instantly in a way it hadn't in years. He had stopped fighting the day he found out about Jo. He didn't have to worry about that now, though. Maggie Jay had a kit at home. She could fix him up quickly. Jo wouldn't have to see what he looked like after a fight.

From beside him, he heard Uhura tell the men, "Guys, stop it!" in an authoritative voice. He hated himself for what he was going to do to her. She was trying to be an adult, a real cadet and future Starfleet officer. She would be good at it, he vaguely thought. But he was going to have to destroy her efforts here. Egging them on was almost too much to resist.

Because he really wanted this fight now, probably more than he wanted anything else. He pushed himself off the counter and faced his attacker again, feeling a fond burning in his chest and an angry glare pulling at his features.

+ststst+

The loud whistling that had stopped the fight was probably for the better, but Jim couldn't help feel a little angry that it had happened as the adrenaline spike fizzled and sputtered out. He hadn't necessarily liked getting his face punched in, but he felt that he probably could have made a comeback and kept a pretty good position for at least a few more minutes.

That probably would have led to police, though, and he really didn't want to go to jail again. He had done well at avoiding his overnight visits for the past four years.

The pain was beginning to sneak more solidly into his consciousness. Instead of being a dull throb, it was now working its way back up to constant roar of discontent. He had taken a seat at one of the tables, tissue in each nostril to stop the bleeding of his most likely broken nose. He had a beer in his hand from Johnny, who had looked like he was going to burst with excitement.

"You did good, man!" he had said with what was supposed to be a friendly shoulder-shake, but came off to Jim as a little obnoxious. He had just been slammed down on a table and Johnny was shaking him like a ragdoll. He hadn't liked that, despite the fact he probably deserved a little more pain for his stupidity earlier.

He sipped at the beer lazily, no longer feeling drunk or buzzed. Everyone in the bar had cleared out as Pike had instructed, so he was the only one in the sitting area. He wondered if the fight had caused a decline in the sales Johnny had predicted, but couldn't bring himself to care. Johnny had wanted Jim in all of his infamous glory, and he had gotten it. Vaguely he realized that _Captain Pike_ was talking to Johnny about the mess that had been caused by the fight. Jim couldn't hear exactly what was being said, but he was sure he heard his name a few times, and maybe the mention of his father's.

When Pike came to sit by him, he wasn't even shocked. The older man relaxed in the seat opposite Jim, like they were old friends, or at the very least had known each other past the six seconds of Pike asking if he was okay, and Jim stupidly telling him that he whistled_ really_ loud. Behind them, Johnny started up the bar's tidybot, guiding it gently towards the messes left on the linoleum floor.

Jim picked up his beer again.

"You know I couldn't believe it when the bartender told me who you are," Pike said, finally breaking the silence.

For a moment, Jim considered turning around to glare at Johnny. He could only imagine what the man had said. His gossip was worse than any woman's in this entire town, and he had a habit of sharing it with anyone who would spare an ear. He liked telling stories about Jim, or the way Jim used to be. Jim refrained though, instead asking the captain exactly who he thought he was.

He didn't appreciate being told that he was his father's son. He wasn't anyone's son. His father was dead, and his mother had never been home. He hadn't gotten on with his step-father. He was practically an orphan. Or, more likely, a by-product of the lightning storm that had led to George Kirk's death. Jim was no one's child, except his own.

He finished his beer in two gulps, feeling the need for that buzz again. He called out for another beer, just as soon as his was emptied, before he listened half-heartedly to Pike tell him about how he had been on the Kelvin when her last mission occurred. How had admired George Kirk and the fact he didn't believe in no-win scenarios and it was a nice sentiment. It really was. But Pike wasn't saying that he had known his father.

He had only served on the Kelvin for his dissertation. They had been on the same ship, and for all Pike knew, George Kirk had been the biggest ass in the known galaxy. For all Pike knew, George Kirk could have had no other choice but to stay, maybe he had broken his leg when the vessel was hit. All Pike knew was that George Kirk was dead, and his demise had coincided with getting everyone off the ship. It would leave a big impression on those who were there, but they didn't have to grow up without him the way Jim and his brother had to.

George Kirk wasn't that great, not to Jim, and not to Sam, because he wasn't there, and maybe if he had been some things would have been different. It was awful to grow up without a father, but with a shadow of a mother, who may have loved them, but did nothing to show it, and a step-father who could never find anything to connect with them over so he made them work until the sun set and smacked them around a little when the whiskey pushed him overboard.

George Kirk may not have believed in no-win scenarios. He met one anyway, and Jim felt obliged to point that out, just as he always had before he took another drink of his beer, which Johnny had restocked him with.

Pike didn't even bat an eyelash at his cruel statement. He told Jim that he was there, and that could be defined as winning or something in similar terms. Jim didn't buy it. He was there, and he had Jo, and that was remarkable and wonderful and any word that even correlated with those two. The fact of the matter was though, he was stuck there for an indeterminable amount of time, and by proxy, he'd doomed his daughter to this purgatory, as well. He didn't define that as really being something to be proud of, and he couldn't find it in himself to feel proud of his father for winning something that probably shouldn't have been won.

Pike continued, his words droning and buzzing in Jim's head, who just wanted to finish his beer, see Maggie Jay, and then take his little girl home so that he could wrestle her into bed and try to catch some shut-eye himself. He didn't care for Pike's speech, or what the man was trying to get him to see, or what Starfleet had lost, or whatever. He hadn't even wanted to leave the apartment in the first place. His face was throbbing from the fight, which even though he enjoyed, in the light of waxing sobriety hadn't been his smartest move.

He wanted out of there, the bar, Riverside, Iowa, and he wanted out of there fast. Pike couldn't help him, though. He had to help himself, and even if it killed him he would help himself. He would get Jo out and they would go somewhere far away. Somewhere where the Kirk name didn't have legends or curses attached to them. They could start all over again, but for now Jim wanted to go back to the apartment, and dream of this on his own.

"Why are you talking to me, man?" he asked, shaking his head despairingly, a small depreciating smile working on his lips.

"Because I looked up your file while you were drooling on the floor," Pike answered firmly.

And that was just an awful image, because Jim was sure he actually had drooled on the floor. He was also pretty positive he had grabbed Uhura's breasts in an attempt to keep upright after one of the Cupcake squadron had hit him, and worse, he thought he may have smiled at her afterwards. It was a good thing all the cadets were clearing out tomorrow. He had enough people here to hate him; five more might just be the straws that broke his back.

He cast his eyes downward, refraining from thinking of his less admirable moments.

Pike took that as a sign to continue on with his tirade. "You're aptitude levels are off the chart, so what is it?"

"My daughter," Jim growled quietly at him, having had enough of this bullshit. "Didn't you read about her in my file too? I know she's in there. Doctors went haywire about her birth."

Pike stared at him, unmoved, and not for the first time in Jim's life…he felt a little unmoved as well. He was using Joanna as an excuse to stay in a place he hated more than it hated him. His comfort zone had been broken when he came back from New Orleans, physically aching at the loss of Bones, and finding out that he was carrying their daughter, despite the fact that he was male and thusly shouldn't have the parts to carry anything. It had terrified him, and he had been hiding behind his daughter as an excuse not to break that comfort zone any further.

It was shit, and now that it was in focus, he felt a renewed determination in his chest to get away. He didn't care what it took, but he would do anything to get Joanna and himself out of this hellhole.

"Enlist in Starfleet."

Except that.

+ststst+

Pike left shortly after that, leaving him with the time the shuttles took off for San Francisco and a dare that he could not only outdo his father, which he thought he already was just by living and having Jo, thanks, but do something more for himself, for Joanna. Jim wasn't going to take the offer. He knew that much already. Starfleet had no place for parents. He had seen what it had done to his mother. He didn't want that kind of relationship with Jo.

He wanted to be there with her, and watch her grow up. He wanted to be there when she cried, and when she smiled. He wanted to help her with her homework and threaten her first boyfriend. Starfleet could offer him an escape from Iowa, but it probably couldn't keep his little girl with him, and he was more desperate for that than he was for the air he breathed.

About an hour after his final beer, he said goodbye to Johnny and took himself home, driving probably more carefully than he had driven in a long time. He might not have felt the alcohol, but he knew it was there, lurking until he was unawares. It never caught up with him though. He made it to the apartment complex, just as if it was any other night, and he parked beside Maggie Jay's beat up hovercar.

He practically flew up the stairs, ignoring his aching muscles, desperate to grab Jo and hit the sheets for a deserved night's rest. For once he hoped that Bones would leave him alone for the night, so that maybe he could get more than five hours sleep, but he knew it wouldn't happen and he felt a little petty for wishing such a thing. He stepped up to Maggie Jay's door and almost punched in the code to enter, before he thought about how he looked.

If he just entered now, Jo would see him bloodied and bruised, and he didn't want that. He didn't even want the questions she would ask him about who had hurt him. He couldn't stand the sight of sympathy on anyone, let alone his innocent, little Jo-bear. Even though he knew that she probably wouldn't have cognitive memories of these years, he had no doubt that the impression would stay with her in some form. He wanted to keep that as far away as possible.

So he stepped away from Maggie Jay's apartment and entered his, stripping out of his bloodied shirt and replacing it with a new one. He washed his face in the bathroom, noting as he looked up into the mirror that it didn't do much good, but now at least there wasn't dried blood smeared across his face. He still looked…well, he looked like he had had his face beat on, but Jo probably wouldn't freak out as much about that as she would if she saw blood on him.

Sighing, he dried his face and headed back over to Maggie Jay's.

Punching in the access code, he listened to the grinding door as it slid open. There was something wrong in the door's system, and it caused the gears to grind when the door moved. Maggie had told the landlady, but she was pretty much useless, so Maggie had to get used to it. For once, he was glad it made so much noise. He stepped into the large living and dining area, and managed to rouse his friend's attention, while Jo continued to stare avidly at the holoscreen.

The nurse stood from her seat on the couch, coming towards him in that same hurried way she had displayed when she was visiting him at his work. She looked tired. Jim almost felt bad that he would be making her patch him up, but a small, bitter voice inside him thought that it was fair. She had made him go out after all. The larger part felt disappointed in himself. She had stayed up all day, watching Jo and offering him the chance to go out and have a bit of fun, and he was going to keep her up even longer, when she should be sleeping, so that she could fix him.

As she got closer, her features worked their way to horror. She saw his bruised face and her mouth dropped open. "You look like you were attacked by an angry gorilla!" she said in stage voice, conveying her disbelief, while refraining from gathering Jo's attention.

"Four, actually," he answered without humor.

She came within a foot of him, her eyes following her hands as they moved up to poke and prod his marred skin. She sighed, and stepped away from him, gesturing to her worn kitchen furniture. "Sit at the table. I'll get some hyposprays ready."

He did as he was told, while Maggie Jay went into her room to grab her medical kit. He watched his daughter, who still sat unaware that he had even entered. Her bright blue eyes watched the screen, her face near blank, but still concentrating on the characters. Every once in a while, she would jerk, as she had the tendency to lean towards the holoscreen when she was in the living room.

Slowly, he began to doubt his decision to decline Starfleet. He may hope to escape Riverside, but there was no doubt that without help, he would never make enough money at the mechanic shop to get them out. If he took Pike's offer, he could get them out, and he may not be there all the time for her, but at least then she wouldn't have to deal with the disgrace of being his daughter.

He felt conflicted, and when Maggie Jay came back with three hyposprays and a dermal regenerator, he unloaded it all onto her. She pressed all three hypos into his neck, each one accompanied with a small hiss or pitiful 'ow' from him. But after that, as she ran the dermal regenerator over his face and his ribs, he told her about his night, and the lovely Uhura, and the herd of Cupcakes, but mostly about Pike.

Pike, who had offered him freedom.

Pike, who had offered him a way out of Riverside.

Maggie Jay's eyes grew bigger and bigger and her hand slowed in running the regenerator over him. He wasn't sure what to think of her response. She never said a word, but he could tell that she wanted to, desperately. The regenerator slowly settled by her side, and she breathed heavily through her nose.

Finally, Jim told her, "He wanted me to enlist in Starfleet."

"What did you say?" she asked with bated interest. Her green eyes were practically glued to his, and he had the feeling if answered the wrong way then he would be getting a whooping.

He gave a half-hearted shrug, feeling his shoulder protest with the action. "I didn't say anything. I gave some barb about being low on recruiting quota."

"What?" she demanded. "Why?"

He was unsure of what to respond to that. He would think it would be rather obvious. She knew about his life. She knew about his mother, and how she was never around, how she still wasn't around even with her grandchild waiting without knowing to meet her. She knew how he felt about Starfleet. As the silence stretched on, though, she looked absolutely livid.

"You need to get out of here, Jim!" she proclaimed haughtily, like it was something he didn't know, or hadn't been trying to do so since Jo was born.

He glared at her angrily. "I can't just pack all my shit up and move. I don't even know what I would do in San Francisco! I don't have a place to live in, or have someone who can watch Jo! I don't have the money."

He didn't, either. He had a few hundred credits stacked up in a savings account, but it wasn't enough to move all their belongings to California, and it wouldn't be enough to make some sort of down payment on any place to live. He knew Starfleet offered room and board, but did they offer parent packages? Did they offer babysitters, good ones, and family suites? He didn't know about any of that. He would need a job too, which would take even more time away from Jo.

He couldn't go to Starfleet. Not in this fashion.

"Leave your belongings to me. We can go half and half on it," she said, excitedly, if still a bit upset that he hadn't agreed instantly, grabbing onto his hand and holding it tightly. "I know you've got a bit of credits stashed away. I'll call Marc, and the landlord. I'll send you're things, but you_ need to leave_. This place has nothing for you, and this Pike person is offering you an escape. So…_escape_!"

"Maggie…"

"Jim, I know that it's hard for you to just go with your impulsivity anymore. I do, and I understand your reasoning behind it. I'm so proud that you think of Jo so much," she said, clasping both of his hands in hers. "But you need to find that impulsive person inside you again. You need to let yourself breathe. Starfleet is the perfect opportunity to get out of Riverside. To start over again…for you and Jo!"

She smiled like she had never smiled before, radiant, genial and_ excited_!

"Go pack a bag for you and Jo, and get on that shuttle tomorrow morning. I'll drive you there. And I'll have your things to you by the end of the upcoming week. Just_ do it!_ Just go!"

She stared at him pleadingly, her green eyes begging more than her words ever could for him to take this path in life. He wanted to argue with her, but she had said almost exactly what he had wanted to hear. She told him everything his heart had been yelling for him to see. She was telling him to leave, and that was what he wanted. He wanted to run away from Iowa. He had to get away from Iowa!

He wanted to get out of Riverside, and Starfleet was his ticket.

He nodded slowly, feeling his heart race and the adrenaline spiking again, just like it had with the fight. He hadn't run in a long time, but it was time to start again.

+ststst+

End Note: I would like to point out that 'demeaningly' is not a word according to (pun) Word, but it is my opinion that if you add an 'ly' or 'ness,' anything can be an adverb. :) Also, the next chapter has the beautiful and wonderful Mr. McCoy!

(keep dancing)

InnocentGuilt


	3. Chapter 3

Maggie Jay drove them to the Shipyard early the next morning. It had taken a few trips. Jim kept insisting that he had left something of Joanna's at the apartments, which really irritated Maggie. He was sure she thought he was stalling, and maybe he was. There really were things that he had forgotten, though. He had been in such a mad rush to pack her clothes, barely managing to grab a few things for himself. He hadn't packed her favorite blanket, and she would need a snack for the trip.

After the fourth time Maggie had to turn the hovercar around, she had threatened him with bodily harm if he even breathed a word about the apartments again. Jim didn't doubt it at all. She was so desperate to get him out of Riverside. It would almost be insulting if he didn't know that she was doing it out of some weird maternal instinct for him. She had even gone as far as to call the Shipyard to make sure that the shuttle didn't take off until he and his daughter were there. She didn't want to risk the off chance that Jim would try and make them late on purpose, which was really,_ really_ smart of her.

He wasn't sure how she had commanded such a tall glass from a Starfleet employee, when she only worked at the local hospital, but Maggie Jay was one hell of a woman. He was pretty sure it had involved bribery and some form of dinner promise. Jim knew a few of the Shipyard crew knew Maggie Jay from the hospital. It wasn't a hard thing to imagine one had a crush on her.

As they came closer and closer to the Shipyard, the mammoth of the ship being built there, Starfleet's newest and almost shiny ship came into view, the_ U.S.S. Enterprise_. She was gorgeous, even halfway bare as she was. Jim had often thought about the ship being constructed not thirty minutes away from his house.

He knew a lot about constitution class ships from his readings, and had been more than a little shocked when it had been announced that this one would be built in the middle-of-nowhere, Iowa. It seemed a little surreal, even to Jim. He knew all the things that were going into making this lovely lady, and there were some things that he was pretty sure no one in Riverside had even heard of, but Starfleet was assured that Iowa was the perfect place. Lots of wide open spaces, Jim assumed sardonically.

He turned around in the passenger seat, seeing Jo wide awake next to their bags. She was holding one of her toys, a rendition of a sehlat that his mother had oh-so-sweetly sent for her second birthday. Nice gesture, but he had told Jo it was from Michy when he gave it to her. She and Marc were more her grandparents than Winona could ever be. Jo also had her favorite blanket with her, a dark blue quilt with starships, suns, and planets embroidered onto it.

She was making her sehlat dance to the music on the radio, her small arms jerking the toy around spasmodically. He smiled at that, before saying, "Jo, look out the window!"

She looked up at him briefly, looking out her window when Jim pointed. Her face against the artificial light cast off by the ship displayed her pure look of awe. Her mouth fell open and her eyes widened. Even her sehlat fell uselessly to her lap as she twisted in her car-seat to get a better look. She gasped loudly, and from the corner of his eyes, he could see Maggie Jay trying to look behind her seat to see Jo's face.

"Daddy, it's my ship!" she said, pressing her little finger against the window.

Jim lifted his brows at her, his grin expanding even further. "Your ship?"

She nodded exuberantly, her loose, brown curls bouncing around her shoulders. "Yeah, my ship," she repeated. "I'm a pirate…and that's my ship, and…and Sellit is my pilot."

Sellit was her sehlat. She couldn't quite pronounce the word correctly, though when she saw the word she knew what it was. She picked up her toy, and pressed his face against the window, telling Sellit, "Look, it's my ship!"

Maggie and Jim both chuckled at her, Jim returning to face the front as they continued speeding toward Jim and Jo's future.

Jim was still nervous about going, still unsure about the variables involved. He had looked up as much as he could after he had packed the night before. It hadn't been that helpful, really. The page had offered helpful tidbits about the different tracks, and specialized testing in case you didn't know where you wanted to go. It mentioned a few things about dorms and suites, but it never really mentioned if there were things for parents, or care for children. Jim suspected Starfleet tended to try and pull in the young ones more than people like him.

Pike had only snatched him up because of his brain and who his father was. He doubted every Starfleet recruiter did that. However, he hoped Starfleet had something to offer him and Jo, because the more he thought about it, the more he liked the idea of San Francisco. He didn't even mind the idea of Starfleet as long as he could find some posting that could keep Jo with him.

The farther Maggie Jay took him away from Riverside, the brighter this idea shined in his mind. His irritation and general dislike of Pike was waning. He still felt like the man was only after him because of who his father was, but he had looked at his file, and had seen his police file, and read about Joanna, and he had still told Jim that he could be an officer in four years. Told him he could have his own ship in eight years, too, but unless that ship let his little girl on board he seriously doubted he would take it.

The stars may have shined brightly for all of his life, and at one point he may have dreamed about being amongst them, but they could shine brightly from Earth, or a space station, or even a colony on some other planet. As long as he could keep Jo with him, the stars could shine from a distance, and he would never want for anything more.

He hoped that Pike wouldn't offer him something like this without considering his daughter. The captain had looked so unimpressed with him last night, when he had used Joanna as his reason not to leave Riverside, not to do something better with their lives. Surely, Pike must have known how important Jo was to him, and wouldn't have told him to enlist in Starfleet if he wouldn't be able to keep his little girl. She was his life.

As the Shipyard grew closer and closer, Jim looked back again to see Jo still staring at the ship with wonder in her eyes. He felt that same wonder, too, bubbling quietly amid all the other emotions that were threatening to consume him. The emotions making him want to ask Maggie again if this was a bad idea. It was still there though, twisting inside his chest with hope.

+ststst+

Maggie took them to the shuttle where Captain Pike was, having been directed by the man at the gate. The captain was standing directly in front the shuttle entrance, probably to greet and congratulate those boarding his vessel. She pulled the car up close to him, the employees moving out of their way with hardly any notice at all. When she parked she turned to him, her eyes serious, but glossing, and she looked like she wanted to cry.

"Next time I see you, you had best be wearing one of those ugly red suits, or so help me I will smack you from here to hell and back. Got it?" she asked and he knew the answer with out hesitation.

"Yeah, Maggie." He took a deep breath and looked out the windshield. Pike seemed to be staring straight at him, a small smirk pulling at his features. Jim couldn't help but smirk as well. Old dog looked so smug, like he had won the Cochrane Intergalactic Peace Award. Jim rolled his eyes, before he looked back at Maggie. "You gonna be okay without us?"

"Are you kidding?" she asked with a watery smile. "I may throw a party. Invite everyone over and then hold Marc down so Michy can shave that damnable moustache off."

He smiled too, reaching over to give her a quick hug before he exited that car and walked around to grab Jo. He pulled open the back door and untangled her from her car seat. Setting her on the ground with her blanket and sehlat behind him, he reached back inside. "Get out and hug Jo, Maggie Jay. It'll probably be a while before you see her again."

The nurse quickly jumped out of the car, as if she hadn't realized what sending them away from Iowa had really meant until he said that to her. As she bid her goodbye to Jo, he grabbed his duffle and Jo's bag before shutting the door. Maggie was kneeling on the ground with Jo, blanket, and sehlat pulled against her tightly, kissing her temple.

"You be good for your daddy, okay?" she told his daughter, brushing her hair behind her ear.

Jo nodded, looking concerned and confused. "Okay, Miss 'Curdy."

Jim smiled at her, even though she was focused on Maggie Jay at the time. He felt his own heartstrings pulling at leaving this woman, who had been more like a sister and mother to him than anyone else in his entire life. This was one drawback of leaving. Maggie Jay couldn't just pack up and leave like he could. She had to stay behind in Iowa.

She had more friends than he did to be sure, but that didn't make sending one off any easier.

She pulled herself to her feet again and gave him one final appraising look. She looked, for a moment, like she would give him another hug, but she must have decided against it. Instead she said "Call me when you can…or send some sort of missive. Let me know you're okay. I'll have your things there soon."

He nodded, waving when she got into the car. Jo waved too, her blanket and sehlat being held closely in one arm while she wiggled her arm wildly. He grabbed her hand slowly and turned towards the shuttle, where Pike was still waiting with a curious look on his face.

Jim cut off any awkward questions, not wanting to explain Maggie Jay to anyone, and not really feeling like Pike had the right to know. He strode forward, toward his future and escape, and he felt a smirk pulling at his lips. Four years to be an officer, Pike had said. Jim was smart, he was a genius. And he had incentive. He owed it to Joanna to build the best possible life for them.

"Four years?" he asked with an actual smile forming on his face. "I'll do it in three."

Pike smirked at him, looking down to the little girl in front of him, who was dragging her blanket on the ground. "Are you Joanna?" he asked kindly, kneeling down to her level as Maggie Jay had done earlier.

Jim briefly glanced behind him to see her hovercar still there, and her face looking at the scene worriedly. When he looked back, stomping his own anxiety back down, he could see his daughter nodding, looking up at Pike shyly through her eyelashes.

Pike nodded too. "I'm Christopher Pike, Joanna. Are you ready to go to Starfleet?" At her half-hearted shrug, the captain smiled. "You're going to have a lot of fun there, young lady. You better get excited. Are you excited?"

Slowly, she began nodding, but as Pike continued grinning at her, the speed of her head increased, and Jim for a moment swore she was going to give herself shaken-Jo-syndrome. She began beaming as well, holding Sellit to her chest tightly as if to contain herself from squealing with delight. Pike nodded again.

"Good." He looked up at Jim again. "Meet me after the shuttle lands, Kirk. I can get you started in the right direction."

Jim almost let out a sigh of relief, but instead he tilted his head, saying, "Thank you, sir."

He looked back at Maggie Jay's idle car and waved one last time.

After watching Maggie Jay drive away, he nudged Joanna towards the shuttle's entrance, helping her up the steps. He registered, just barely, as he kept his daughter from tripping over her blanket and keeping hold of their bags, that Pike's smug look was back. Jim allowed himself a small smile too, finally in the shuttle and feeling a little of his anxiety running out of him. Pike was obviously going to help him, and he obviously knew that Jo and he were a package deal.

Jim looked around briefly before he found a few free seats. He made towards them, but stopped just as quickly when he realized there was a low beam that he had nearly slammed his head into.

Jo looked up at him, confused, when he suddenly jerked them to a stop, looking like she wanted to shout, 'what the fuck?' She didn't though, and he shrugged at her, feeling a little ridiculous. Then, with her still looking up at him like he had tattooed 'silly' across his forehead, he ducked under the beam and steered them both to their seats, raising his brow when he saw Cupcake and his cakettes.

He thought about saying something to them, and just barely managed, pulling Joanna closer to his side, and watching their eyes widen as he herded her along. He rolled his eyes as he settled Jo in one of the seats and settled their bags under their chairs. He made sure to keep her bag more accessible, just in case she wanted the one of the fruits he had packed for her.

He sat down in his seat, taking the harness behind her and adjusting the straps to where they would hold her securely. He was so preoccupied with his task that he didn't notice the person coming towards them, though he was more than aware that he was getting stared at by various people, until she was practically right on top of them. He looked up sharply, Joanna only half strapped in and staring up at Uhura with cautious eyes. She met his gaze evenly, giving him a gracious smile before it travelled to Jo.

Jim was a little confused. By all rights, and Jim's own logic which dictated she should hate him after last night, she should be staying away from him. He had continued a fight, was almost positive that he had grabbed her chest, and had gotten her and all of her cadet buddies kicked out of the bar. If he were her, he would be just a little pissed.

She wasn't, though, or at the very least she was pretending not to be.

"She's adorable," she said, settling herself in the free seat next to Joanna. She smiled at Jo warmly, exuding calm and approachability. "How old is she?"

Jim looked between her and Jo, before going back to his mission of getting his daughter strapped in without trapping her blanket or her sehlat. "Ask her."

For a moment, she almost looked uncomfortable, but she covered it quickly, asking Jo, "How old are you, sweetheart?"

Jim resisted the urge to tell her that Jo was perfectly capable of understanding people when they didn't talk to her like an inept child. There was no need for Uhura to raise the octave of her voice, and she didn't need to smile like an idiot. Uhura was obviously comfortable around children, but she just had different operating skills around them, and Jim could let it slide for now. However, if Uhura continued to talk to Jo in the future, he would eventually disillusion her. He had seen too many children, five and above, who continuously talked in a baby voice and that just wouldn't do. Not with Jo.

Joanna bit her lip, ducking her head down a little while still looking up at the cadet. When she didn't speak for a few seconds, he gave her a gentle nudge. She was a little shy when it came to new people, though she warmed up to them quickly. Slowly, her left hand twitched, rising from its grasp on her stuffed sehlat to hold up two fingers.

"Two," she said quietly.

Jim smiled at her proudly, rearranging her blanket around her so that it didn't bunch uncomfortably. "How many months is that, Jo-bear?" he asked.

She looked up at him, but when he told her encouragingly to tell Miss Uhura how many months were in two years once more, she said, "Twinny-four, but I'm firty-two monts. Daddy says I'll be tree soon."

If possible, Jim's smile grew at that.

"That's right" he said. He caught Uhura's eye, caught the thinly veiled shock that stared at him, and for a moment he wondered exactly whose kid she thought he had been strapping into the seat beside him. Not only did he come off stupid, but apparently he looked like a kidnapper too. He scrunched his brows looking at her in askance as he reached behind him for his belt. She swallowed, and looked away from him for a moment before she smiled at his daughter again.

"That's really amazing. You're so smart, Miss Jo-bear."

Joanna nodded, having been told that several times by Jim and Maggie Jay. "I know."

Jim couldn't help the laugh that escaped him. His Joanna would have no self-esteem issues when she grew up. She was more self-assured than most teenagers he had met and she was only two. "Yeah, my Joanna is gonna be President of the Federation when she grows up, huh, baby?"

"Uh uh, I'm gonna be a…a pirate!" she exclaimed a smile spreading across her face finally as she squeezed her toy tightly to her chest. Her feet kicked wildly, seeing as her excitement had grown about being a pirate ever since she had seen 'her ship.'

Both of the adults laughed at her sweet enthusiasm, and her smile only grew at the positive attention. Her giggles joined their laughter, and Jim had enough of himself to realize that a few of the cadets around them were chuckling as well.

"Close enough," he told Jo, running his hand along her tresses. He cast his blue eyes up at Uhura, and saw that she was looking between them, trying to be inconspicuous but failing completely. His smile relaxed into a smirk. "I never did get that first name."

She pursed her lips, trying to repress the smile that threatened her features. Shaking her head, she left the seat she had taken to return to the one she had vacated earlier. Jim chuckled to himself, and checked Jo's restraints one more time, making sure she wouldn't flop around in case anything when south.

When it jostled her around she glared up at him, whining,_ "Daddy!_"

He jostled her a few more times just to see her cute pout. He gave her a smile when she batted his hand away, and as always her pout and glare both melted. A smile began forming on her lips, even as she folded her arms around her sehlat in her classic 'I'm mad, daddy!' look.

He stopped when a commotion broke out from the front of the shuttle, and he looked around to find where it was coming from. It was a man and a woman, and it looked as if it was coming from the direction of the bathroom. Most of the words were a garbled mess until finally the small, but sturdy ensign came out all but pulling the much bigger man behind her by his ear.

"Sir, you need a doctor!" she insisted haughtily, glaring up at the man and looking for all the world like she wanted to hit him.

The much bigger man barely let her finish her sentence, growling out, "I don't need a doctor. Dammit, I _am_ a doctor!"

Jim froze. He recognized that voice. Over the past three years he had dreamed of that voice, had remembered that voice. He knew it as if it had been fucking tattooed onto his heart. He tried to get a better look at the man's face. The structure was right, even under the layers of clothes, and he should know because he had mapped that body with his hands, lips, and mind. He couldn't get a good look at his face though; the man's head was tilted down to look at the woman snapping at him.

He looked down at Joanna, feeling a nervous shake beginning, and his stomach dropping out. He felt sick. He couldn't fucking believe it. There was no way Bones could be here. It was impossible. He was somewhere in the southeast, with his wife, and probably other children by now.

Oh, god…children!

He had their daughter here. There was no way Bones wouldn't know it was his daughter. Fuck, Joanna practically looked just like him. She had the same lips, same cheek structure, and their hair was the exact same color. He would know the second he saw her. There could never be a doubt in his mind. Bones would see Jim, see Joanna, and even with the rarity of male pregnancies, Bones would just_ know._

He swallowed nervously.

He had never prepared for a day like this. He had never expected to meet Bones again in his life. What was he going to say to him? How would he explain Joanna, or the fact that he had never contacted the man? He wasn't ready for this, mentally or physically. It had taken all of his reserves to actually get on the shuttle. To face not only a surprise meeting with, literally, the man of his dreams, but also the father of his daughter after three years of no communication.

The ensign had finally had enough. She yelled, "Sir, sit down, or else I'll make you sit down!"

Jim glanced around the shuttle, but to his mentality's dismay, the only open seat left was by Joanna, and Bones was heading straight for it. Jim almost felt the need to look away, like if Bones didn't see his face, then he wouldn't recognize him. He couldn't, though. He had to make sure he wasn't mistaken. He had to make sure this was actually his Bones, and not some look-alike, if that was at all possible. As the man came forward, his features became clearer, and though he looked like shit, with his wild hair and scruffy scowling face, it was definitely Bones, his Bones.

Jim could have sworn his heart stopped. He swallowed thickly, trying to whet his suddenly dry mouth. He felt like his shaking could be felt throughout the entire damn shuttle. What made it even worse was that Bones' argument with the woman had gathered the attention of some of the other cadets and now they were watching to see what other lovely and fun things the southern doctor did.

They were going to have an audience, and Jim wasn't keen on that idea.

Bones collapsed into his seat with a grumble, and Jo now turned her frowning face up to him, leaning over towards Jim for protection. He had enough of himself to grab her hand, offering comfort as much as he was leeching it from her.

He needed to be calm. He needed to be rational. He needed to do damage control before the damage even happened.

They would talk. Jesus, would they talk, and Bones would probably yell. Jim was prepared for that, but not here. Not in front of these people and not in front of Jo.

Bones looked around him as he pulled the straps of the shuttle seat over his shoulders. His eyes, the same murky green that had haunted Jim's dreams, glared at everyone, until they settled on the seat next to him, where Joanna was sitting and staring up at him cautious eyes. The small frown that worried between her brows was the mirror image of the one Bones adopted when he saw there was a child sitting next him.

Bones' gaze travelled over, up to Jim, and though there hadn't been a doubt in Jim's mind that he would be remembered, the instantaneous recognition the flared in Bones eyes was almost startling. He stared at Jim for what felt like eternity, and Jim wouldn't deny that he soaked up as much of Bones as he could in the scant seconds it really took. Then, he looked back down at Joanna.

Jim could see the wheels turning in the doctor's mind, realization, denial, disbelief, and something Jim wasn't entirely sure of, but it looked an awful lot like hope. It all came to him in maybe a half a second before Bones' face just shuttered. He went completely blank, save for a slight pursing of his lips and that ever present frown between his eyebrows.

"Not here," Jim said in a loud whisper, not proud to admit it, but he was begging for the other man to just hold on to that blank feeling for the next two hours. To just wait until they could get somewhere private. "Bones, not here."

"How old is she?" he asked with a calm that did not bode well for Jim.

He didn't do what he had done to Uhura. He answered for his daughter, quickly and quietly, staring into Bones eyes as if that could convey the plea better than actual words could. "She's almost three."

He could see the man doing math in his head. It wasn't hard to do. They had met in March of 2252, add nine months, plus three years, there could be no doubt in Bones' mind by now. "She's mine," he said faintly, turning away from the two of them, clearly taking deep breath.

Jim ignored the physical ache that move caused, knowing that what the doctor was feeling had to be a million times worse, and thousands of times stronger than the panic Jim was feeling. Jim didn't know what his ex…playmate was doing on a Starfleet shuttle, but he had a pretty good guess that it wasn't to find Jim and their daughter.

"Bones…" He almost reached out to comfort him, to rub his shoulder like he had down almost four years ago. He refrained, though, holding onto Jo's hand a little tighter as she hugged her sehlat and looked between them, wondering what was going on.

"Jesus, Kid," he said, thickly. He took a shuddering breath and leaned his head back, staring up at the ceiling until he must have realized that was a bad idea too. Jim wasn't sure, but he thought he may have heard Bones say something about aviophobia. Looking up at the ceiling of the craft he was terrified of, not helping. He groaned, before he turned back to Jim with a mixture of irritation and loss. "I may throw up on you."

He looked down at Joanna again, his eyes soaking her up, before he suddenly grabbed onto the restraints tightly and squeezed his eyes shut.

The shuttle was taking off, heading towards San Francisco and an entire new bottle of problems Jim would have to sort out other than Starfleet. He put those thoughts away, quickly, as he heard Joanna's laughter and giggling. She looked around wildly, unsure of what was going on, but knowing that they were moving. She felt it, and unlike her father, she was in love with the sensation. She clapped wildly, and her blue eyes glittered with excitement.

Jim could hear a few of the other cadets laughing at her young exuberance and excitement. However, he could only look between his daughter's bold-faced happiness, and the sliver of green eyes that stared at him. Bones' mouth was sealed shut, but in that small sliver of eye contact, Jim could see that all too familiar, yet all too imagined and dreamed-of look that said, 'You are in so much fucking trouble.'

Jim supposed he should be happy that Bones had to work so hard no to throw up. Their scene would at least be delayed until San Francisco…or until Bones had emptied his stomach contents. It was terrible Jim knew, but he really hoped the aviophobia was working full-force.

+ststst+

A/N: But look! Bones is there, and won't the next chapter be so much fun!

(hammertime!)

InnocentGuilt


	4. Chapter 4

The shuttle landed after two smooth hours of flying. Bones had kept his death grip on his strap the entire time, though, looking pale and as if he were two seconds away from carrying through on his promise and vomiting all over the floor. Jo had passed out about an hour into the flight, her head lolling towards her chest to rest against her toy.

Jim had tucked her blanket in, a habit he supposed. After that, he could hardly take his eyes off of Bones, had watched every emotion flicker over that pinched face. He still couldn't quite believe he was staring at him again, after so long and everything that had happened. It was quite possibly the hardest thing he had ever done, not reaching over and touching Bones; not making sure that the man who sat on the other side of his sleeping daughter was the man he had parted with in New Orleans.

Every once in a while, Bones would open his eyes just long enough to glance at Joanna with unfathomable eyes, before he looked up at Jim. Each time he met Jim's gaze a different emotion stared at him, anger, confusion, sadness, sometimes even longing. It was mostly anger and sadness, though. Jim met them as best he could, trying to convey…god, anything, anything at all. He knew he didn't succeed that well.

Jim was quite aware of the fact that nothing he said could ever properly explain all of this to Bones. He didn't even know where to begin trying. How could he even try to explain something this huge? Everything he had done had made sense to him. There had been no contact, because there had never been any contact information exchanged. No names had been exchanged in their three days together. Jim hadn't known here Bones lived, and the doctor hadn't known where he lived.

He had never tried to find Bones, though he had briefly considered it. Joanna had half of Bones' DNA and that would have narrowed the potential men. He knew Bones was a doctor from the southeast, and that he had travelled through hospital expenses to attend a medical seminar. He very well may have eventually found Bones, knowing all of those variables, even though it may have taken a year or two. He had decided not to try, though.

He had made the conscious and, at the time, very logical choice to raise Joanna on his own. He had made the choice to never tell Bones. It wasn't that he hadn't thought Bones would come through, or that Bones wouldn't want to have her, but he had been married. Bones had made the choice to go back to his wife and try to make things work with her. Jim hadn't wanted to help ruin the chances. He thought that if he ever found Bones, telling him about their daughter would destroy the doctor's marriage.

It had all made sense, but looking back on it, in the moments between when Bones would look at him with those hurt almost-green eyes, all of his reasons, all of his logic sounded hollow. He felt selfish, like he had hidden their daughter from the other man and that wasn't what he had intended.

However, in the light of seeing him again, he began to wonder what he would have done had they exchanged actual names or known where the other lived. He wondered about his own integrity. Whether, if he had had all of that information at his disposal, he would have told Bones about Joanna. There still would have been the fact that Bones was married, and he had tried to be an adult about their parting. He still didn't think he would have called.

It was a double-edge sword. On one side, he really had thought about the consequences, and had honestly held Bones' marriage at a higher priority. On the other side, he had withheld Bones' choice to know his child; he had made the decision to withhold that choice.

Because of these factors, he may as well sign himself up for a thorough tongue-lashing and possibly having the one person he had ever wanted to have a lasting relationship with hate him. This was going to be fantastic.

Jim helped untangle Jo from her seatbelt, though she had it almost all the way off by the time Jim had unclasped his own restraints. Even in her half asleep state, Jo was better at getting out of almost every sort of fastening. She waited for him in her seat, while he reached under to grab their bags.

He was more than aware that Bones was waiting for him, too, watching, probably glaring at Jim's back. When Jim came back up, he met Bones' stare, keeping quiet and refusing to move until everyone else had left the shuttle. When, finally, the last person had left, he took a deep breath.

"Look, I know what you must think of me," he tried.

Bones shook his head, vehemently. "You don' know sh-" he stopped, remembering Jo, who looked impatient to get up and move again. He swallowed the curse. "You don't know what I'm thinking."

He stared at their daughter, and Jo wiggled under the scrutiny. Jim held his tongue until he could think of something appropriate to say. He had known this conversation wouldn't be comfortable, but Christ, this was a lot more difficult than he thought it would be.

"What's her name?" he asked quietly, sadly. There was a soft snort. "Jesus, what's_ your_ name?"

"Her name's Joanna," he answered, feeling his heart contracting inside his chest as Bones seethed silently and just a little brokenly. He really hadn't meant it to come to this. "And I'm Jim Kirk."

"McCoy. Leonard McCoy."

Jim cracked a half-hearted smile. "I like 'Bones' better."

The doctor finally tore his gaze away from their daughter, flashing up to Jim. Before he could regret making a joke right in the middle of probably the most serious conversations he would ever have, Bones cracked just hint of a smile, longing in his eyes this time. "So do I, Jim," he said honestly. He scrubbed at his face tiredly, shoving one of his hands through his hair, making it look even wilder. "I really don't want to have this conversation on this death trap."

Jim nodded, but then remembered. "I've gotta meet Captain Pike."

"Jim, we_ have_ to talk!" he growled, causing Jo to look up at him with a small glare of her own. She didn't like it when people talked meanly.

"I know that, Bones!" he snapped back, momentarily forgetting that Bones didn't know he wasn't running away. He picked up Jo's blanket from her lap, folding it over his arm so she wouldn't trip over it on her way down the stairs. "Pike is helping me get some things settled. I need to talk to him about rooming, and daycare centers and I need to find out if there's some system for cadets who need employment. I promise we will talk, but…"

"I'll go with you," Bones cut in.

"Bones…" Jim was honestly at a loss of what to say, but Bones didn't need to follow him.

Bones swallowed, looking angry, tired, but more than that, ashamed. "Kid," he said, and though the nickname irked Jim now, it brought back a lot of good memories. "I walked away from you for a woman who just took the whole damn planet from me in a divorce I knew was coming, even then. And though I am…_really_ livid right now, I'm not letting you out of my sight. I made that mistake once." His eyes went back to Joanna, who was holding onto her sehlat with a pout on her face. "Look where that got me."

Jim blinked. "You're divorced?"

"As of about a week ago, give or take a few days." Bones eyes met his and some of the anger was back, but Jim was beginning to doubt who it was all directed towards. He didn't doubt that quite a bit of it went to him, but he wondered if it was all directed at him. "I left her about four months ago, though. She was sleeping with my best friend."

Jim snared the hateful remark he wanted to make about both his ex-wife and his best friend. Mostly he wanted to ask if this was a dream, because this was way too much to handle all at once. He was enlisting in Starfleet, Bones and he had been reunited in the simplest of terms, but beyond that, Bones was not only accepting this bomb of a meeting between him and his daughter, but he was single too. Jim's mind was reeling. There was too much to think about and consider.

He was almost relieved when Pike came out of the cockpit, slowing in his long stride when he saw the two of them still in their seat, Joanna waiting impatiently between them.

"Ride's over, kids. You'll have to get back in line if you want another one," he said with a small confused look on his face.

+ststst+

When Pike had said that he would get Jim started in the right direction, what he actually meant was 'I will give you neon lights to guide by.' He had taken them from the Academy's hangar bay, through endlessly winding halls in the administration offices, until they were at his plush office, seated in even nicer chairs, with Joanna on Jim's lap holding onto her toy and their bags on the floor beside him. Bones chose to stand, leaning against the old fashions hinged-oak door that had been shut after they entered.

Captain Pike personally handled his and Bones' registration forms, as well as their testing dates. Jim needed to find his 'niche' as Pike had called it, though the captain was almost positive that he would be in the Tactical track. He also thought Jim should test and see which classes he would automatically be able to clip out of his mandatory curriculum, since he had made it so clear he was getting out of the Academy in three years. Bones had to take the test to find out exactly where to place him in the regular Starfleet Medical track for human, as well as how extensive his knowledge of Xeno-anatomy and physiology was.

They were both scheduled for the following Monday to take all of their placement tests, but Pike had worked them both opposite each other. Jim would be taking his first placement test at nine, Bones would have his first at noon, Jim again at three, and Bones' last one would be at five. How he had worked it out that perfectly, Jim would never know, but he was pretty sure Christopher Pike was bordering on godhood at this Academy.

Jim had only briefly worried about the plan of action, but with one glance at Bones he knew that it would be no problem. Bones would gladly watch Joanna while he took his tests. When he looked at Pike the man gave him a discreet but professional glance that all but asked, 'you doubt my awesomeness?'

He worked out rooming for both quickly and efficiently in a manner nearly too good to be true. He had given Jim and Joanna a two room suite and Bones a single suite after a five minute vidcall to the Head of Housing. All he had given were extenuating circumstances for Jim, and told the woman on the other end that the doctor was well past needing a roommate, and since Pike had already checked and noticed that she still had about ten single-suites left in the medical dorms, it shouldn't be too much of a problem for McCoy to have one.

He had told them both that it would be best for them to take their placement tests before trying to enroll in any classes, and the same with either of them looking for a job. Depending on how high their scores were, and he had no doubt they would be phenomenal, the Academy could find them jobs that would automatically work around their schedules, some of which could be counted as electives.

The Academy didn't offer care centers as part of the package, but the student board always had postings for people willing to watch children for whoever the hell had them. And if that wasn't enough and Jim would prefer something more professional, Pike even gave him a listing of some of the close children's centers.

He had given them both a padd, with maps of the academy grounds, access to the student web-board, basics about San Francisco, and general information about the rules of the academy. He had also handed them Starfleet issue communicators, pre-programmed with his various contacts, the contact for their individual residential assistants as well as the Head of Housing, and information center.

The captain had thought of everything for them both, having recruited both of them, as Jim found out ten minutes into the meeting, and he had been pulling strings for both of them, Jim was positive. They were out of his office in two hours, with the promise their uniforms would be waiting for them on Monday, and that he would be their counselor for their time at Starfleet, or until he was given his ship, which, surprise, was the_ Enterprise._

When they were outside of the office, after Pike had told them to see him about their schedules on Tuesday, they stood for an awkward moment. Jim had Jo's hand in his, their bags thrown over his shoulder, while Bones had his hands stuffed into his coat pockets. They stared at each other for a drawn out moment, searching for a safe topic of conversation until they could have the one that really needed to be had.

When he could find nothing better to say, Jim adjusted the bags on his shoulder. "I'm going to go set our things down in our rooms and then find somewhere to take Jo for lunch. You, uh…you wanna join us," he asked, both hopeful and dreading Bones' answer.

The doctor hesitated for maybe a second, his face pinching into an almost scowl, before nodding. "Yeah, I'll meet you on the quad."

Jim nodded too, unsure of what to say, so he tugged Jo's hand and turned towards the exit that would be closest to where their suite would be located. He looked over his shoulder briefly, to see Bones taking the opposite direction, seeing as how his suite was located on the other side of campus. He looked tense. Jim could see that even under the baggy coat he had been wearing all day. He turned back around, heading more swiftly to their new home for the next three years.

Thirty minutes later, after entering into their suite and finding out that both his and Maggie Jay's apartment could easily fit into his 'new home,' and pulling out a jacket for Jo for the slight drizzle outside, they made it back to the quad. Bones was relatively easy to find, being the only person besides Jim and Joanna not wearing red.

He was facing away from them, so Jim called out to him. When Bones spun on his heal to look for him in the crowd, Jim was almost taken back three years to New Orleans. They had been in the French Quarter when a scene not unfamiliar to this one had happened. Jim had fallen behind to look at something one of the off-world vendors had been selling, and Bones had grown bored and went to look at something else. It had been crowded with earth-dwellers and aliens alike, and Jim had called out to him. Just like now, Bones had raised his hand to wave his exact location.

Jim shook himself of the nostalgia, picking up Jo so he could lengthen his strides. Bones had shaved, and combed his hair while he was at his dorm, and he looked a lot less crazed for it. He looked really damn good, actually. Put together, like he had…well, like he had_ most_ the time they were in Louisiana. The rest of the time he had looked debauched and heady.

Jim hitched Joanna more comfortably onto his hip. He really needed to stop thinking about Bones like that.

"How long have you been waiting?" he asked the doctor as soon as he was in hearing distance.

They started towards town together, Bones pulling out his padd to gather some more directions, even though it was fairly simple to leave the campus grounds.

"'Bout five minutes," he answered distractedly. "You know where you wanna eat?"

Jo answered quickly, leaning across Jim so that she could tell Bones, "I want mac'roni cheese."

He stared at her, before a small smile broke out on his lips. "Macaroni and cheese it is."

He looked at Jim fleetingly, his smile lingering, but the happiness that had been in his eyes combated against other things.

Jim looked away. "So, there's a hamburger place not too far away. Maybe about a block from the campus ground. Quick walk, maybe fifteen minutes."

He didn't have to look to know that Bones' signature eyebrow raise had been bestowed on him. They began walking together. Neither of them said a word and after about five minutes, Jo began babbling to liven up the silence. Jim was honestly glad for the noise, but he wasn't sure that it was helping his case with Bones. He could feel the stares he received from the other man, just as well as he had on the shuttle.

"And I have a ship…and I'm gonna be the…the captain, and Sellit is gonna be my pilot, and we're gonna fly_ all over space_. That's what pirates do; they fly over space in their ships, and eat lotsa fruit when they're hungry and fight dragons and play catch when they're bored…"

Jim smoothed her hair down, the water collected from the drizzle helping to keep it from frizzing up again. A smile began pulling at his lips as she continued to tell them what she was going to do as a pirate. He looked over to Bones, telling him, "She's going to be a pirate when she grows up. That's been her plan for the last four months now."

Bones gave a short nod of something caught painfully between amusement and heartache. "She'd be good at it."

He thought the doctor might say something about thieving hearts, or ensnaring the mind, but he didn't. He didn't have to. Jim saw it plainly in his eyes as he looked at Joanna with a love that had sprung up instantaneously and in no way was anything less than what Jim felt. It was a parent's love and that didn't need to emerge like other loves, it just did. It was immediate and without question.

Jim hefted her up again, not deterring Jo's ramblings which had moved on to her favorite show about a young Andorian who was friends with a human, Vulcan, and an Orion. Jim knew without a doubt that the show had several misgivings, but the message was good, and children weren't supposed to know the nature of the universe when they were barely three.

Another heft and he let out a small groan. "Okay, Jo-bear, you're getting heavy." He looked at Bones for a moment, still seeing the love that only parents had in their eyes. He asked, "You wanna carry her for a while? I'd let her walk, but she tends to get easily sidetracked. She picks up rocks and…"

"Yeah," Bones said readily. "Yeah, hand her here."

They did a small trade off, Bones handed Jim his padd, and Jim handed their daughter to him, telling her, "He's going to carry you. Try not to squirm too much." And for his warning, she squirmed just to spite him, he was sure.

He cast an apologetic smile to Bones, but the doctor was wholly unaware of it. He was totally and completely fascinated by Joanna. His murky green eyes trailed over her face, and he petted her dampening brown hair. A small smile began playing on the corners of his lips again.

"Hi there, little miss," he said with a mixture of emotions clouding and thickening his voice.

Jo didn't notice, she looked at him and gave him one of her smiles, her discontent with him from the shuttle having been wiped away by spending all of their morning together. "Hello," she greeted him, despite the fact they had been with each other for going on five hours. "Do you wanna be part of my pirate ship?" she asked.

Bones' smile was full now, radiant. "I would love nothin' more, Jo."

She smiled, and they began heading toward the hamburger place. Jim followed slightly behind them, watching with myriad of emotions welling up in his chest as Bones carried on a conversation with their daughter.

+ststst+

Lunch was a small affair. Joanna got her macaroni and cheese, and Jim and Bones both got hamburgers. They ate in relative silence, broken only by the conversations they had with Joanna. They tried a few broken conversations with each other, but the longer they waited to have the conversation that Bones was dying to have and Jim was trying not to get nauseous over, the more tense the air between them became.

When it came time to leave, Jim paid for the meal, and held the door open for Bones, who was once again carrying Jo, and there was some sort of unspoken agreement that they would be going back to Jim's suite for this conversation, which was probably a wise decision. Joanna had lost two hours from Iowa to California. Taking another nap would help her get accustomed to the change, and give him and Bones plenty of time to at least start hashing out the troubles between them.

At his suite, Jim took Jo from Bones, already half asleep on his shoulder and put her in her bed in her new room with her sehlat safe in her arms and her favorite blanket over her shoulders. He wasn't sure how that arrangement would work out, honestly. Jo had shared a room with him since the day she was born. For the moment, he thought he should try to get her accustomed to her own room, and he would work on himself later. He stayed with her until he knew she was down for her nap, and that she wouldn't hear them talking. Jo was curious to say the least and wouldn't sleep if she knew adults were conversing in the other room.

Then slowly, he made his way out to his living room, where Bones waited for him on the standard gray couch that Jim was sure every room came with. He didn't hesitate, even though he desperately wanted to. He had never really been hesitant, prone to delaying sure, but hesitant…

He cleared his throat as he stepped into the room, walking over to settle himself on the sturdy coffee table. Bones watched him approach with the same closed off expression he had given him just after he deduced who the other half of Joanna's DNA belonged to.

He started out simply, with a new approach to best explain himself, and not to abort any of Bones' temper. "I would like to say I would have called…"

Bones snorted derisively, a little coldly, like all the emotions he had had earlier were just kind of drained from him, leaving him hollow and bitter. Jim couldn't slight him that. He could only imagine how hard this would be for the doctor. "At least you're fucking honest."

"It's not that I didn't want you to know, or that I thought you wouldn't want her. But you had just gotten back with your wife and even if I had known who you really were, or where you lived…" Jim met his glare evenly, shaking his head. "I didn't want to run the chance of ruining what could have been a happy ending for you."

"So, you would have let me live my life never knowing I had a daughter?" he growled angrily, coming forward to lean his arms against his thighs. They were less than a foot away from each other, Bones' face pinched with anger.

"Yeah, I guess I would have." Jim knew how terrible that sounded, but he was going for honesty, he wasn't trying to make excuses for himself, he was done with that, at least when it came to his personal life, people he cared about. He did care about Bones, too. He had never gotten over him.

And he was going to lose him after today, all over again. He was prepared for that; he really was. No explanation he could give would fix this for Bones, no matter how much he wished it would. The best he could do was include Bones on their daughter's life now. He would give the explanations though, because Bones deserved to hear his reasoning. He deserved to hate Jim with logical motives.

"That's really shitty, Kid."

He let the name slide again.

"What would you have cared, Bones? You never would have known!" It was the truth. If he and Bones hadn't met again, if one of them had stayed home or if they had come at different times, Bones never would have been the wiser, and he would continue living. For as truthful as it was, though, it was the wrong thing to say at that moment. Bones' glower went supernova. Jim started over again. "I never expected in a million years to meet you again. I thought I was doing the right thing, the_ adult_ thing!"

"Well, you did meet me again."

As if he hadn't just been there for the last seven hours! He tried not to let the tone of voice get to him, the one that yet again insinuated his utter stupidity, but he couldn't. He could take the anger, and the hatred, but he was fucking tired of being called stupid.

"Am I hiding her from you now?" he asked, his irritation seeping out into his words. A glare of his own was beginning to pull at his features, but he couldn't rein it in. He knew this would be a difficult conversation, but why did Bones have to insult his intelligence? "I know that doesn't make up for these last two years, but can I, at least, get brownie points for_ not_ being an asshole about this entire situation?"

"I mean, because really, if we wanna get pissy about this entire chain of events, you_ did_ leave me!" Had Jim not been so irate he probably would have laughed at the incredulity of his statement. They were both acting like they had been in some committed relationship, like Bones had left, and just to spite him, Jim had hid their daughter from him, when in reality it had only been a three day fling and they had both known it, no matter how much they had wished they hadn't at the time.

He was angry, though, because it had meant something, and Bones still meant something to him, beyond having given him without a doubt the best gift of his life. He was angry because he was pinning this all on Jim, and he deserved a good portion of it, but he wasn't in this alone. "You went back to your wife, and I went back to Iowa. By the time I found out about Jo, we hadn't seen each other for a month and a half and silly me, I thought you and your wife had worked everything out, and that I was a distant memory. I thought I was doing you a favor."

"Some damn favor," he snarled, but for a moment it looked like it hadn't been directed at him.

"How was I supposed to know that? I thought everything had been patched up and you would be making babies with her in your perfect house complete with picket fucking fence."

"That shouldn't have mattered!" Bones said vehemently. "You should have considered_ me_ and Joanna! What the hell were you going to tell her?"

Jim shrugged, not understanding why it would have mattered. Obviously he wasn't going to tell her now. He answered though, "I don't know! I probably would have told her what my mother told me until I was old enough to understand. That her other father was gone. And when she was old enough I would have told her the truth. I was a slut who slept with some random guy for three days in New Orleans. Probably woulda thrown in an apology for never having the smarts to ask for his actual name."

"That's it? Really?" he asked, his eyes telling Jim exactly how lackluster he thought that was.

Jim threw his hands up into the air. "What else is there?"

"Maybe why you never fucking told me."

And they had come full circle. "I told you why! Why are we even discussing this?" he demanded. "You're here now. You know she's yours and I'm not going to disappear tomorrow. And even if I wanted to, you know my name; you could find me." He groaned in frustration and ran a hand through his short hair.

"Look, I'm sorry that my rationalization isn't good enough for you," he drawled, still feeling irritated, but more than that sad. "But it's all I have. Take it or leave it. Hate me for it, I'll understand, but know that it's the only fucking answer I can give you and that no matter how many times you ask that will be all I can tell you."

Something flickered underneath the anger, and then Bones' fury drained out, too. He leaned back on the couch, and rubbed at his eyes tiredly. "I don't hate you, Jim. I really don't. I'm mad and I'm confused…and I'm a little hungover," he admitted.

He took his hand away from his eyes, looking directly into Jim's electric blue gaze. The emotions were back, emotions besides the rage; sadness, confusion, longing. Jim swallowed against his quickly fading aggravation. "The rationalization isn't good enough," Bones continued, "but I can accept it."

Jim looked at him, with maybe a little bit of disbelief in his eyes. He had been prepared for Bones to leave, or at the very least not be willing to talk to him anymore. He had been thinking of the ways he could still arrange visits between him and Jo, while keeping a somewhat civil tongue with each other. He had just been ready for the heartache to sharpen. To know that he could see Bones, but he could never touch him again.

But that didn't sound like what Bones' wanted. Bones had accepted it, even if it wasn't good enough and that sounded a lot like…he didn't know what, but he was hopeful for it, no matter what it was.

Jim nodded, and finally looked down at the narrow patch of wood flooring between them. They sat in silence for several minutes, listening to the sound of each other breathing and their own adrenaline pulsing in their ears before it finally faded out. The quiet was tense, but not as much as it had been earlier. They had apparently hashed out what they needed to today, and it only took…Jim glanced at the chronometer. It only took about thirty-five minutes.

He would have to wake Jo in about twenty minutes, or he would never get her to sleep tonight. He was vaguely very pleased with both he and Bones for having never raised their voice. He supposed sitting in close proximity to one another had helped that, but still. He had expected just a little bit of hollering. None of his past flings and he had ever been able to get through an argument without screaming at each other, and the discussions they had yelled over had been much less important that the one he and Bones just finished.

"I'm going to have to wake Jo soon. Is there something else we need to talk about this afternoon?" he asked quietly, looking back up to see that Bones resting his head on the back of the couch. His eyes were closed, and though he was tense still, he almost looked comfortable with both of his arms sprawled out along the back as well.

He took a deep breath, asking as tiredly as Jim felt, "When was she born?"

Jim smiled a little at that. "December 14th," he answered, and when Bones looked up curiously, Jim knew he wanted more details. "She was seven pounds, nineteen inches long. Massive amounts of brown hair. I swear she was born with that head of hair…her full name is Joanna Lynn Kirk."

"That's perfect," he said, and he actually sounded like he meant it.

"She is. Light of my life." Jim said, sliding from the coffee table to one of the free cushions on the couch, gaining the other man's attention. He angled his body towards Bones, and when Bones had pulled himself up to a sitting position, Jim began talking again, "I'd like to get Jo settled in around here before we do anything. She's never moved before and I don't necessarily know how she'll adjust but if you'd like, we can set up meetings and maybe the first weekend of next month she can stay with you…?"

Bones stared at him for a long time, disbelief lingering in his eyes, like Jim had just offered him the world on a silver platter. "Really?" he asked in a hushed voice. "That's it? We just start setting up visitation?"

"Do you not want to?" Jim asked, a playful smile gracing his lips as Bones all but jumped back on his words.

"Of course I do!" he said automatically, when he saw Jim's smiling starting though, he rolled his eyes. "You're a prick!" he told him, in what would have been sincerity if Jim didn't remember that exact tone of voice haunting him from three years back. If the air between them hadn't still been a bit taut, Jim thought he may have come back with a dirty reply like he would have in Louisiana. As it was, he waited for the moment to pass, not at all surprised when Bones picked up where he had left off, "You're really just going to let me in to her life, just like that?"

Jim looked down at the space between them, reminding him, "I told you I wasn't going to be an asshole about this. She's your daughter, too. You deserve to see her."

Bones simply nodded again, slowly, unsurely, as if he still expected Jim to yell 'just joking!' He didn't though; instead he slapped Bones' leg resolutely, before hopping off of the cough. "I've gotta go wake up Jo," he said heading back towards her room. "I'm gonna have a small talk with her before we come back out, though, so it'll be a couple of minutes…" he paused, turning back to Bones' who had apparently been watching his retreat. Curiously, hopefully, he asked, "Can I assume you'll be sticking around for a few hours?"

Bones gave him a hint of a smile, still looking a little shell shocked. Jim felt a bit of it thrumming through him as well, that disbelief that things were really unraveling the way they were. He was trying to keep it together, though. He was going to keep it together. He was giving himself no other choice. He took the doctors almost-smile as a yes, and he went to their daughter's room, intent on telling her who Bones was.

He was unsurprised when Jo's only reaction to him telling her was to go climb into Bones lap, snuggling her head beneath his chin and telling him with all the genuineness only a toddler could convey, "I missed you, other daddy."

Even though they had never met each other, he didn't doubt that she had missed Bones, and when Bones wrapped his arms around her, and whispered the same thing into her wild, curly hair, Jim didn't doubt that it was possible to miss something you never had. He gave them a few moments to themselves, excusing himself to the bathroom to splash cold water on his face, and rein his emotions even further under control.

+ststst+

A/N: Much love to you all.

(pop, lock, and drop it)

InnocentGuilt


	5. Chapter 5

Bones stayed around for most of the evening on Saturday, keeping them company and generally following Jo around every time she wandered away. Jim thought it was kind of cute, the way he almost couldn't let her out of his sight, like he was afraid she was just an apparition. Joanna thrived under the attention, continually running to Bones so that they could play games. Now and then she would go to Jim, but he was old news by then. When she had been given the choice between him and Maggie Jay, Maggie Jay was the playmate. Jim was just there for 'look at me, daddy!' moments.

He wasn't bitter; it was just the way that toddlers worked. He was with her every day of every week. He was the disciplinary action, the guy who made her get dressed and in general boring ol' daddy. And he really liked watching his brown haired girl hop up on the coffee table and demand that Bones catch her before she fell, despite the fact she was standing in the middle of the table and was nowhere close to falling. Bones 'caught' her, too. He picked her up from the table with a stage gasp, telling her_ 'Don't fall, Jo. I would be sad!'_

He came around Sunday, as well, and they all went to a local market to grab some essentials, Bones all but taking notes on what Joanna liked to eat, what she was interested in other than being a space pirate, what she was allergic too. Jim almost laughed, but he managed to keep it to himself. He wanted to tell Bones to chill, that they had all the time in the world, but he refrained. Bones had missed two years of her life; it would be only natural for him to want to know everything there was about Jo.

After the 'shopping' trip, they had parted company, until Monday morning when Jim, complete in hideous red uniform, dropped Jo off at Bones' apartment, which had been a small amount of torture. Bones had answered his door with a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth, and only his cadet pants slung loosely on his hips. It had been awful. Jim swore he looked everywhere but at Bones.

No man should look that good in cadet reds, period.

They switched Joanna back and forth between them as they took their placement tests. Jim had enough of himself to notice that a few of the 'cakettes' were testing with him. After Bones' final test, he took Jo over to the other man's suite, and they stayed for dinner and Jim and Bones chatted about the safe things, how they thought they had done on their tests. What some of the perks were of some care centers and finally settling to try Sandcastles. The pros and cons of certain pediatricians. There were times Jim almost felt like they were a normal family on Monday night, but then it came time to take Jo back to his suite, and he realized they were barely comfortable with each other.

Tuesday came and Jim woke reaching for a hand that wasn't there after another dream of Bones and him, which did not help his problems at all, and the fact that it was three in the morning only made it worse. He groaned, irritated, with himself. He hadn't thought that the dreams had magically disappeared when Bones showed up in his life again, but, damn, the two nights he had been able to sleep seven entire hours had been wonderful. He rubbed at his eyes, staring at the dark ceiling, and refraining from looking around for Joanna. He had done that Sunday and Monday morning, just barely remembering that she had her own room before full blown panic set in.

Jim relaxed into the pillow, clenching his fists as if the rid them of the feeling of Bones' skin beneath his fingers, though it would do nothing to stop the noises that reverberated in his head, the gasps Bones had made, the pleas he called out to Jim as they…

Jim threw the standard issue covers away from him, kicking them down and off his legs. He swung his feet over the side of the bed, rubbing his face with his hands. He needed a shower. And maybe a long talk with Maggie Jay. She should be home by now. He wondered which was honestly more important. The wood that would probably be back the second he saw Bones, or the conversation with Maggie.

In the end he thought he probably should get the shower, if only because his erection was_ holy shit_ painful. He barely managed to check all the things he normally did, making sure Jo couldn't open the door, at the very least, but deciding to skip the cereal. It would be way too early for her to wake up. The cartoons would be put on hold for a few days, though he could probably pull up a couple of episodes on the computer screen, he hadn't quite taught her how to work the computer. He would work on that later though, if Maggie couldn't send his small holoscreen.

He showered quickly, using everything he knew, every single trigger Bones' had found with him. He washed it all down the drain in record time, washing his hair and body quickly, before he jumped out, ignoring towel and mirror for a pair of old sweats. Wandering out to the computer, he dialed in Maggie Jay's line. It would be about five fifteen there, she should be getting home by then.

Without hesitation, the line opened and showed her face, hardly tired; despite the fact she had probably been up for the last seventeen hours and had spent most of it on her shift at work. He never knew how she had managed to watch Jo, work, and sleep, but she did and he had always been thankful to her for that.

She scrubbed her hand through her hair, freshly let down from the bun she always wore it in at work. A smile broke out on her face when she saw him.

"Jim!" she said happily. "You never called. I thought you'd forgotten all about me when you got on that shuttle."

"How could I forget about you?" he asked, pulling a seat up to the computer so he could sit and chat comfortably. "You practically own my soul."

She nodded, doing something off screen momentarily as she continued said blandly, "I know, but that doesn't mean you wouldn't try to outrun the contract."

"No, just some complications came up." He thought back to Bones, and how it really wasn't so much of a complication as he had thought. If anything it almost made his life easier. He was easy to get along with, and since their one talk they had interacted well, almost perfectly. But that almost felt like the complication of the entire situation. Nothing ever went this well for Jim; it just wasn't the way.

Her sharp voice came across for him, startling him with the concern held there. He looked up into her harried eyes, refraining from laughing when she demanded, "What? What happened? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Jo's fine. It's just…" He wasn't sure how to continue. The complication was Bones, but it wasn't the man or his attitude. The man himself, aside from being completely acerbic and having terribly dry humor when he wasn't talking to Jo, was fine. It was just him being there, and not throwing a fit, and helping Jim in any way possible. It wasn't supposed be that simple.

"You're not allowed to come back." Maggie Jay glared at him, probably thinking that he was trying to find a way back to Iowa, which was so far from the actuality of this, it was pathetic. He was never going back to Iowa if he could get away with it. San Francisco had Starfleet and more importantly…

"I don't want to, Maggie," he reassured her, casting his gaze down to play with a loose thread in the tear of his sweatpants. He fingered it gently, twirling it almost reverently as he told her, "Bones is here."

There was a long pause, stunned and maybe a little confused, before trying the name on for size. "Bones?" Then it must have hit her who he was talking about, because then she just felt the need to wrap them both in the cloak of his name, asking incredulously,_ "Bones_? The Bones?"

"Yeah,_ the Bones_," he said with irritation marring his tone. "The Bones that I met in New Orleans, fucked around with for three days, and got knocked up by. That Bones. The only Bones I know!"

Another silence, lasting even longer than the first. Maggie Jay seemed unable to fully digest the information, which he couldn't blame. There were moments he hardly believed it. They sat there in quiet, Jim waiting semi-patiently for Maggie to say something brilliant that would somehow help him with his almost-predicament. All she could say though was, "Wow, does he know?"

Jim rolled his eyes, spinning in his chair once in a visual display of his frustration. "Are you kidding?" He snorted. "He sat by me in the shuttle. He saw me, he saw her…it was like putting together a three piece puzzle!"

"What happened?"

He explained how the day had gone. The shuttle ride, where Bones almost hadn't been able to hold his stomach contents down, and afterwards up to where Pike had come to kidnap them. He told her about the conversation, and how smoothly it had gone. He explained the last two days, where Bones had been nearly glued to Joanna, and had helped him with setting up some basic things that needed to be done for Joanna, including helping him pick the care center Joanna would be starting at later today. "It is so surreal. This shit doesn't happen in real life, especially not as easily as it did with us. Really, he just let it go, like, like…" he floundered for words.

Maggie Jay, ever helpful woman that she was turning out_ not_ to be, could only ask one thing.

"He's divorced?"

"Is that the only part you heard?"

"I heard it all," she defended herself, "but that's just the part that sticks."

"Really? Not the part where he's now seeing Joanna every day? Or the part where we're contemplating visitation? How about the part where he's back in my life at all?" he demanded, his voice rising in octave as each word escaped his lips. He was having a bit of a meltdown, and she was asking for clarification that Bones really was divorced?

"I realize that all of that would be quite shocking, and we'll get to that after we clarify once more…he's_ divorced_?" A look was beginning to form on her face, one that spoke of bad things for Jim's future, and he was honestly a little glad there was so much land between them for once. He hated that look. It had always spoken of blind dates, hospital visits, and once even a trip to the museum of twenty-second century sports equipment, though that had been to keep her from killing one of her dates to escape boredom, but still.

He stilled in his chair, looking at her warily. "I know that look. It's the same look you had when you wanted me to go to the hospital when I broke my collarbone. It's the look that says I am going to hate what you're about to say."

"I wasn't going to say anything," she denied, shrugging her shoulder and reaching for something off screen again.

He watched her fidget with whatever she was messing with, still sitting stiffly as he told her, "Bullshit."

"I just think it's interesting." She finally stopped fucking with whatever it had been. Her green eyes fluttered to him, asking with carefully portrayed boredom, "And he's been spending a lot of time with you?"

"He's been spending a lot of time with Jo. Look, let's focus on me for a second."

"I_ was_ focusing on you," she snapped. She ran her hand through her hair again, her thin lips disappearing as she pursed them. She thought he was being ridiculous. He had no doubt about it, but he thought he was being rather logical. Could they not deal with the fact that Bones was there at all before she went off half-cocked trying to get them back together?

"A fling I had three years ago has just showed up in my life less than four days ago. I told my daughter that he was her other father. We were discussing the pros and cons of child care centers. I feel a little overwhelmed here!" he told her, feeling the full weight of everything that had happened in less than a week pressing down on his chest while feeling relieved to finally get that off his chest to someone.

He had thought coming to Starfleet would be stress-inducing, with all the tests he would have to take, his impending physical, the classes…just for starters. There was so much more that just went into Starfleet than all of that, and fate had decided to hit him with Bones? Yeah, Starfleet was actually pretty simple. Paperwork by the shipload, he could handle. It was stressful, but he could do it. Leonard 'Bones' McCoy was something that he had no clue how to approach.

And he sincerely doubted that Maggie Jay would honestly be able to help. She was even more relationship-retarded than he was. Whereas he had never had a lasting relationship, she had had five that had ended with the simple fact that they didn't know what to do with her. She was crap at relationships, though it had never stopped her from at least trying, and it sure as hell never stopped her from trying to push him into them. Now that Bones was back, Jim was a little surprised she wasn't meddling even more pronouncedly than she was.

He would however like her to be a little more helpful than she was being.

"Why?" she asked, honestly confused.

Jim scoffed, throwing his hands up in the air. "What about any of that is not overwhelming?"

She mimicked him, her confusion quickly morphing to annoyance. She was probably getting tired, not that he would know. He had never really seen her tired; had never really seen her sleep for that matter. But she was only this childish with him on a number of occasions, and he had always chocked it up to being sleep-deprivation. Her voice, stained with that same exasperation, said, "The part where it all seems to be working perfectly."

"That's the overwhelming part." He nearly hollered, but aborted it at the last second. "It shouldn't be that perfect! He should be angry, and it should be awkward, and I feel as if I should feel more worried about leaving my daughter with a man that for all intents and purposes is a stranger."

She tried to come up with something to say, opening her mouth a few times before she shrugged, helplessly. "Maybe you should talk to him about it?"

Jim spun in his chair, shaking his head at her idea. "And tell him what?" he asked, catching her eye for a split second each time his chair went around. "That he's being too nice and it's creeping me out? Ask him to be more of a jackass?"

She actually laughed at that, and it was a nice sound, though he wished she had kept it to herself at the moment. "Maybe not in those terms, but actually speaking to him would be a good start."

His hand caught on the desk, halting his spinning. "I'm not going to talk to him about this. I'll deal with it."

She made a small unsurprised noise, her smile fading to a slight upturn of her lips. "The Jim-solution to everything."

"Works doesn't it?"

She rolled her eyes. Reaching one last time to mess with that_ thing_ again, she finally leaned back in her seat. "When do your classes start?" she asked.

Obviously, they weren't going to try to help Jim fix his problems. Apparently, they were going to move on, and leave Jim on his own.

He glared at her but answered, "We have orientation on Friday. The actual classes start Monday."

The rest of their time on the comm. was spent chatting about all the paperwork he had had to fill out, and the tests he had taken, which unsurprisingly he had come out in the top one percentile. She told him about her shift at the hospital, and the new doctor who had transferred from Ottumwa Regional Hospital, whom was very interested in Maggie Jay. When they signed off, Jim had barely accomplished anything, but he felt better for having spoken with his friend.

He really did miss her already. Next time he would have to try and call her when Jo was awake.

+ststst+

He went over to Pike's office after dropping Joanna off at Sandcastles, the local daycare center that he and Bones had decided to enroll Joanna in. It had great reviews, and when he had stopped there at seven to fill out paperwork and get his daughter settled, he had liked the establishment. It was clean and the teachers and caretakers had seemed very kind and attentive towards the kids. The young man he had talked to, well younger than most seeing as he was about the same age as Jim, had smiled at Joanna and said, after talking to her for a few minutes, that they would probably put her into on of the child education classes they had, since she knew numbers, letters, and how to basically read.

He really liked them, and Joanna hadn't seemed to mind being there after she discovered the lego-blocks. He was a little worried for her interactions with the other kids, since she had never really been around other children for an entire day. When he had taken her out to play in parks and things of such nature, there had been other kids, and the few places in Riverside that had children's playpens, but she had never been around them for any amount of time. The young man had said that wouldn't be a problem, but Jim was unsure.

He left her there though, with their promise that if anything happened they would call either he or Bones, or in case of extreme emergency, he had given them Pike's number, since he would be able to contact both he and Bones at any given time. He would have to talk to Pike about that, since it had kind of been spur of the moment.

He knocked on the old oak door, getting a gruff, but professional 'enter'. He turned the old-fashioned brass knob, pushing it open to see Pike hunching over a huge mug of what he could only assume coffee. His screen wasn't on, and no padds were on his desk. Just him in his comfortable looking office chair, and a giant mug of coffee. He looked up, his grey eyes meeting confused blue. He looked just as tired as the picture had painted before he moved.

"Mr. Kirk," he said somewhat pleasantly, reaching over to tap his computer on. "Please, come sit down. Do you need some coffee?" He looked at his coffee like it was sent directly to him by some god. Jim seriously believed that if he didn't have it, Pike would not be able to form coherent sentences.

Jim declined with a small wave of his hand, taking a seat in the same plush chair he had taken not five days ago. Pike looked around groggily, tapping a few things on his computer and pulling out a padd. He made idle chat, as he did so.

"I didn't expect you to be here so early," he said, and Jim could all but see the scowl that was forming on his face as the computer flashed the time at him. Obviously, Captain Pike took a few minutes to wake all the way up. As if to demonstrate this, he blinked rapidly a few times, as if to get his eyes accustomed to the feeling. "Where's Joanna? Is she with Doctor McCoy?"

"No," Jim said easily. "She's at daycare."

"Really, what daycare center did the two of you decide on?" he asked, taking a long sip from his mug.

The way he said it, the blasé way he had just asked as if he knew that he and Bones hadn't been separated, gave Jim pause. He knew he and Bones had been spending a lot of time together, but he hadn't thought it had been that obvious, at least not obvious for a busy captain like Pike to notice. He stared at Pike for a moment, a hesitant smirk forcing its way onto his lips, until Pike caught his confounded gaze.

"It's exceedingly obvious to anyone with two eyes, Mr. Kirk," Pike told him, looking as if he was resisting the urge to roll his eyes. "She looks so much like the two of you, and if the awkward reunion wasn't enough to clinch it for me, the way you two operated like an old married couple sure as hell did."

"Old married couple?" Jim snorted disbelievingly, still sitting stiff in his chair. He could not believe he was having this conversation with Pike, his counselor and kidnapper-by-default.

"The two of you had an entire conversation with your eyes Saturday morning. I don't know many people who can do that." Pike looked like he wanted to laugh at Jim's misfortune.

Jim was a little less than enthused and more than a little confused, trying to pinpoint the exact moment he and Bones had spoken to each other with only their eyes and coming up completely blank. He was inclined to believe that the captain was crazier than he had originally thought in Iowa. Not only did he drag fucked up kids with their perfect kids from their homes; nope, he imagined things too. Great, and Jim was stuck there, with Pike as his counselor until the end of his Academy days.

"When did the two of you originally meet?" he asked, leaning back in his chair.

"Uh," Jim began. "March, 2252. He and his wife were having a hard time. Shouldn't we be getting me enrolled?" he asked quickly, hoping to change the topic.

Pike waved his hand, his face twisting. "It's_ way_ too early for that yet. I can't even see what my computer is saying, let alone pull up your file. For now, let's just chat. I like getting to know my recruits." He leaned back in his chair, slouching down into it, damn near demanding it to make him more comfortable. "What went wrong…with Doctor McCoy?"

Jim was a little uncomfortable, but he tried not to let is show, mirroring Pike's slouch but taking it a step further by crossing his legs out in front of him. "Why do you want to know?" he asked with a casualness that was completely false, and from the looks of it Pike knew that.

"I'm curious, Mr. Kirk," he said with an easy smile, reassuring. "You seem like a likeable guy; wanna get to know you, and all that good bonding-type stuff."

"Couldn't start with my favorite color?" Jim asked sarcastically.

Pike raised his brows, amused. "How would that help us get to know each other? Does your favorite color play some significant roll in your life? This isn't a slumber party, Mr. Kirk."

"Jim," he cut in quickly, really tired of being called Mr. Kirk. He was quickly realizing that he hated a lot of names people called him.

Pike tilted his head in acquiescence. "Jim. I just want to get to know you. Anything you say to me will be confidential. Kept between us…like friends."

Jim considered him for a moment, his blue eyes mistrustful. He went to fiddle, but denied himself that urge. He didn't fiddle, hadn't fiddled, fidgeted, or squirmed since he was nineteen and Maggie Jay was staring him down in between the time it took her to look at his tests and decide that he was beyond extraordinary and bordering on phenomenal.

He had never really had someone pursue a friendship with him, especially not someone of Pike's caliber. Maggie Jay and he had just kind of been thrown together. She had been his neighbor, and his nurse, and once she discovered his pregnancy for him, he couldn't get her away no matter how hateful he was to her, and he_ had_ been_ hateful_. He hadn't taken well to the news of his pregnancy, hating almost anyone and everything except the child growing inside him. He hadn't had a friend who became his friend in a 'normal' way since he was seven.

But that was Iowa, and this was California. He was trying to start over.

So he settled for middle ground. "You first."

Pike smiled with a nod. He seemed proud for some reason that Jim didn't understand, but he let it go when Pike asked him, "What do you wanna know?"

Jim thought about it for a moment, thinking over everything Pike had said to him since they had known each other. It came to him quickly, and sharply. "You served on the_ Kelvin_ with my parents. Did you actually know them?"

Pike looked shocked for a moment, but recovered quickly, leaning forward in his seat. He seemed much more alert all of a sudden, and for a moment, Jim thought they might skip all of the 'let's get to know each other' chatter, and go straight to the enrollment, but Pike surprised him again by answering his question.

"I knew your father quite well," he started. When Jim pulled a face, thinking of how he and Bones knew each other_ quite well_, Pike rolled his eyes. "Not like that, Jim. We were friends. He was a year ahead of me in the Academy, and in the same track. He was going for tactical; I went for piloting. A lot of our classes overlapped, though, and he took longer at the Academy than most because of how much time he spent lollygagging through the course protocols." He smiled fondly. "He took twelve classes that I always swore he would never need. Dabbled in some of the sciences and operations classes."

Pike regaled him with some choice stories about his father, things no one else had ever been able to tell him. His mother and his grandparents had only been able to tell him the wonderful things about George Kirk, and though this was no different, Pike added a certain realness to him. He added a fun side, an angry side, and even a hesitant side, instead of a larger-than-life portrayal that his grandparents told him, or a better-than-you-could-ever-hope-to-be edge that his mother always seemed to have when he asked. It was easy to tell they had actually been friends, which made a lot of what Pike had told him in Shipyard Bar seem less like bullshit and more like he actually believed in Jim, believed he could do better than his father.

It was nice, and when Pike told the story about how 'Georgie' had conned two people into getting into a fight so that he could win a bet, Jim actually laughed. That was something that his mother had failed to mention, something Grandma Kirk hadn't even known about, he was sure. It finally felt like his father was real, instead of a ghost that haunted people.

When Pike was done, he was standing, leaning against the wall, a smile on his face, as well. Jim wondered how often he was able to talk about his old friend, his best friend from the sounds of it. Pike had told him how he hadn't known Winona that well, having only met her on a few occasions. Usually, George had visited him alone, holing up in Pike's room for an evening, or 'dragging' Pike out to bar, or even going shopping. 'Georgie had this thing with shoes' Pike laughed as he told him. 'Made most women seem look like amateurs.' Winona had almost never been there, and probably hadn't kept in contact with Pike

"Now, your turn, Jim," Pike said, with an open face.

It was another hour before they even got to Jim's schedule, but Jim felt better for it. Captain Pike as a friend was a pretty amazing thing. He honestly hadn't expected that man to listen to him talk about his and Bones' three-day tryst. He didn't tell Pike about his problem now, didn't feel comfortable enough for it, but just being able to talk to someone new…someone who wanted to listen for more than medical reasons as Maggie Jay had the few times he had told her…it was fun.

It was only because of Pike's next appointment that he told Jim that they should start on his classes, which as it turned out, would be half second-year courses, and half bullshit courses that were absolutely required on pain of Starfleet death.

He was told to come back anytime he needed to talk, and that he would be helping Pike teach hand to hand combat, as well as helping some admiral-professor-guy teach relativistic physics…which was really nothing to shake a stick at.

+ststst+

After Jim's talk with Pike, he had gone over to the Academy's library, looking for something to fill the time while Jo was at daycare and Bones was off doing whatever he did when Joanna wasn't around. After looking through the archives on the computer's memory banks, he had found what would properly hold his attention. Starfleet's rules and protocols. It would be a good idea to get a head-start on the rules and regulations Starfleet operated with, knowing that they would come in handy one day. He uploaded the entire file onto his padd, pleasantly surprised when the computer didn't take twenty minutes to load the extensive collection of 'do not do, or else'.

He had taken his padd over to the seating area. There were very few people there, just a few of the staff, and few cadets that were getting ahead on the status quo as Jim was. It was quiet, most importantly. Jim wiled away his afternoon there, stuck between reading his choice of study, and thinking about Jo and Bones, and how and what they were doing. When he finally couldn't take the seats anymore, stiff and unforgiving, he meandered out heading towards his dorm. It was four already; he had spent most of the day in that chair, and at four-thirty he would have to go get Joanna, but if he was fast enough he may be able to go and drop his padd off and grab a drink before walking over there.

"Jim!"

He spun around instantly, hiding his almost-panic by smiling brilliantly. His plan was obviously going to be shot to hell. Bones walked toward him, briefcase in one hand and waving the other idly, just in case Jim needed any help spotting him. "Bones!" he called, waiting for the other man to catch up with him. "How's it going?"

Bones didn't answer, almost never did when it came to his personal life. Instead he asked, "How was dropping Joanna off at Sandcastles?"

"She seemed pretty okay with it," he said with a shrug. "I had to stay for a few minutes with her, but the blocks eventually pushed me out of the picture. I guess we'll see how she does there."

"You worried?" Bones began walking towards the Academy exit, obviously having decided that they should go get her right that second. It wasn't a hurried pace, like they had to rescue her from the fowl demons of the daycare, but more leisurely. He looked like he actually wanted to talk to Jim for more than their allotted time between Joanna-callings.

Jim kept pace easily, his smile slipping from his face. He was worried. He wouldn't deny that. Jo was precious to him and if she didn't enjoy going to daycare he didn't know what he'd do. Sandcastles was one of the better qualified centers within price range and distance.

"She hasn't been with many other kids. She played with a few at the parks in Riverside, but she's never spent an entire day surrounded by them."

"Jo didn't go to daycare in Iowa?" He looked perplexed and a little concerned. "I thought you worked at a mechanics shop?"

So he had paid attention to what he had said.

Jim nodded. "I did. She stayed with my friend for the day."

Bones made a small gesture of understanding, and they were plunged into silence, lengthy but not awkward. They walked side by side, Jim trying to keep an acceptable distance between them, almost desperate not to be reminded of what Bones smelled like beyond his dream. Bones didn't make it easy though. He walked close enough that their knuckles brushed and every once in a while Jim would catch a tantalizing scent in the air.

He cleared his throat. "You don't have to walk with me to get Jo. We were gonna head over to your place anyway. Was there something you needed me for?"

The doctor shrugged. "Not necessarily. I just thought that with Jo at daycare we could have a talk."

"About what?"

"Well," he started. "You've been acting kinda weird."

Jim resisted the serious urge to smack himself. Instead, he put on a smile and asked teasingly, "How would you know what weird is for me?"

He almost instantly regretted it as Bones gave him a look of exasperation. For a moment, he thought New Orleans might be brought into the forefront, further than it had been Saturday afternoon. However, Bones just shook his head, looking perturbed and a little sad as he said, "I don't really. You just…seemed to be more comfortable in your skin three years ago."

"I'm comfortable in my skin!"

"Oh, really?" he asked dryly. "Then what's with the awkward dance you've been doing around me? One moment you're completely relaxed; the next you look like you're ready to bolt."

"I'm not leaving, Bones." When the doctor didn't say anything, Jim reiterated. "Promise."

He thought Bones would have been pleased with that. He had promised he wouldn't leave. Bones wouldn't have to worry about missing Jo. Suddenly, though, Bones grabbed his arm and brought them to a halt, turning them to where they were facing each other. "Do I make you uncomfortable?" he asked in little over a whisper.

"No! No…" Jim said immediately, trying to meet the other's sizzling gaze. A heartbeat later he amended, trying to keep the honestly that he had set up three days ago without divulging his soul. "A little. I mean don't you find this all…crazy?"

He looked at Bones imploringly, trying to get him to understand without him_ actually_ understanding. He didn't need to know how Jim's feelings lingered for him. He seemed perfectly content with remaining amicable and talking about Jo. Jim wouldn't get in the way of that. He liked having this working relationship. He liked not having to stress over what would happen if something went south. He could take this, could even be okay with it as long as Bones didn't keep pulling stunts like this.

Seriously, they were almost chest to chest. Jim could easily feel the warmth that pulsated off Bones' body and their breath was intermingling. It felt like a prelude to…

He snapped himself away from those thoughts as Bones answered, "Starfleet? A little. Our counselor seems a little-"

Jim shook his head a little, his face scrunching with frustration. "I mean us! Bones, I never expected to meet you again! Now you're here and I'm…I'm at a loss. Aren't you?"

Bones stared at him for a long time, his brows furrowing together and a frown pulling at his lips. His hand slipped down Jim's arm, almost in a caress, before it rested by his side. "I'm pleased as punch to see you again, Jim."

He honestly sounded confused as to why Jim didn't get that. It also looked beyond his ability to properly explain it to him, which Jim didn't mind at all. Things would be simpler if they could keep whatever feelings he had and whatever feelings Bones may or may not have behind barriers. They really shouldn't even still retain feelings for each other. 'They' had been a long time ago. They had only been 'they' for three days, before parting ways three years ago. There shouldn't be feelings, and Bones should still be furious with him.

He was reminded of his conversation with Maggie Jay earlier today, and how he wasn't going to talk to Bones about his freaky niceness, but that just had to be asked.

"Three days ago, you were pissed because I didn't tell you about Jo," Jim said, not angry or upset, but just wondering_ why_ Bones couldn't just stay mad at him for a little while longer and make_ sense._

The other man sighed, giving Jim a slight roll of the eyes. "You're more than making up for that. It's hard to stay mad at you, when you just let me into her life the way you did, the way you do. I'm upset that I missed so much of her life, but you're letting me be here now, without me having to fight or anything. It's been a long time since I've had that." Jim almost swore he wanted to say, 'not since you.' He didn't, though, which Jim was both disappointed by and happy for. He could only deal with one problem at a time and he was juggling two or three at the moment. He didn't want Bones to still harbor feelings for him. Jim's resolve would probably crumble. "Is that why you've been acting weird? You thought I was still angry?"

Just the opposite, but Jim didn't want to get into that now. So he smiled and nodded, knowing both looked stiff but hoping the Bones would leave it be. "Yeah, Bones. Thanks for clearing that up."

He clapped the doctor on the shoulder, and began walking again, resuming towards Jo's daycare, which was only about a block away now. Bones took a moment to himself, probably recollecting his cool. Jim didn't look behind him, only giving Bones a small smile when he fell back into step.

When they reached the center, Jo was instantly calling out for them. "Daddy! Papa!"

Bones made a small face, seemingly not fond of 'Papa' but there weren't many other choices available. 'Other daddy' just wouldn't be acceptable for any length of time. Way too damn confusing. She scrambled up from the table she had been sitting at with her toy sehlat, her braided hair a mess just as it always was at day's end. She ran up to Jim to hug first before throwing herself into Bones. She nuzzled his shoulder momentarily, smiling jubilantly when she pulled away.

"'m a kitty!" she exclaimed, her smile wider than the universe in that one moment.

He and Bones shared a brief look before chuckling at her. Bones stroked her mussed braid, like one would with a cat, telling her with a smile, "You make a pretty kitty, too."

An older woman came out of the woodwork seemingly, smiling at them as she realized who they were. "You must be the Kirks," she said happily, reaching out her hand for Jim's and then Bones'.

"Actually," Jim tried to correct her, but the woman just ran over his attempts to speak.

"I'm Abigail Locke. Joanna's afternoon teacher," she introduced, her brown eyes glittering with merriment. "I just wanted to tell you how absolutely thrilling your daughter is to have in class with me. So bright. It's simple to see that the two of you are attentive to her. Her reading level is amazing. I…"

Jo interrupted her this time, yanking on Jim's hand. "I read a book 'bout kitties, daddy! There was a white one, and a black one, and a gray one, and then there was one that was black, and orange, and white, and they were all friends…"

He smiled at her, casting Bones a small look to see if he was following along as well. He was a little shocked to see Bones watching him as well, and for a moment time was frozen between them. It was a point of contention, comfort, familiarity, and just a little bit of longing, and surprisingly Bones was the one to break it, casting his green eyes back to Jo. "Jo-bear, we're talking with Ms. Locke. Can you tell us in a second?"

Her eyes widened marginally as she threw her hands over her mouth, a physical gesture that she would wait patiently for her parents to finish their conversation…as long as it was a short one.

Ms. Locke smiled proudly at them, her elderly face wrinkling easily from years of laughter. She looked between them for a moment, before continuing. "I just wanted to tell you how brilliant your daughter is. She's a real treat to have in class, with the most impeccable manners. She seemed a bit hesitant to interact with the other kids, but once a young boy asked about her toy, she had no problem opening up. Such a delight."

Jim smiled at her appreciatively, but it was shockingly Bones who reached out verbally with his appreciation, telling Ms. Locke, "Thank you, ma'am."

She nodded and bid them good evening. Bones gathered up Jo's things, slipping her backpack over her shoulders before handing her Sellit. As they exited through the front door, Jo handed Jim her toy to carry along with his padd, figuring Bones couldn't hang on to the toy and his brief case. Then, after Jim had placed the toy over his arm, she grabbed both of their hands, looking between the two of them as she launched into the story about the 'kitties.'

Both listened intently, asking questions and commenting where she took the time to breathe, but Jim couldn't help noticing that Bones hadn't objected to being called a 'Kirk.' He also didn't fail to realize that Bones would glance at him, a look caught on his face somewhere between amusement and yearning.

Jim was mortified to realize he had been doing the same thing to Bones, as well.

+ststst+

A/N: Much love to you all.

(shake your tail feathers)

InnocentGuilt


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: You probably won't like me after this chapter. I just have a feeling.

+ststst+

Orientation was easily the most boring five hours Jim had ever lived through, and he had grown up in Iowa, for God's sake. The speaker_ droned_ for the entire time, not even breathing, Jim was sure. She talked about everything that Pike had already discussed with them, from food policies, to TA opportunities. Jim had almost been reduced to tears when suddenly his padd had lit up.

Bones had sent him a message, though on the screen it was addressed from_ McCoy, L. H._ to_ Kirk, J.T._

He had asked if Jim knew how to check his personal messages, which was what the speaker had been discussing at great length with too many damn words that were not needed. Jim had snorted at the time, looking over to Bones with an amused smile. The doctor had looked less than enthused as the speaker went on and on, not even having the decency to act like she cared. Jim had sent a message back with the words, 'wuah wuah wuah.'

He was actually a little more than pleased when Bones had given a small snort of amusement, picking up on the joke as easily as Jim remembered him doing. He vaguely remembered that that was what had held his interest in Bones down in Louisiana…aside from the great sex. Bones had understood his sense of humor, archaic though it may have been. It had been a startling change of pace and Jim had relished it.

They messaged each other back and forth throughout the entire thing, even getting bored enough to start a three or four thousand games of tic-tac-toe and a thousand games of hangman. That had been the only thing that got Jim through. It was so easy and comfortable that he almost forgot the awkward situation that was suspended between them, though the awkwardness was somewhat subsiding.

Bones had not really backed off, but it seemed to Jim as if he was trying to make the air less oppressive. He continued to hang around Jim, and he continued to ask about Joanna, but he also spoke to Jim more, which logically should freak Jim out, considering he had nearly had a meltdown about Bones being so nice to him. However, after the conversation they had on Tuesday, though it hadn't cleared everything up, it had explained why Bones was being so kind and forgiving. It had helped him calm down, in ever the slightest of ways. While they still didn't bring up New Orleans, Jim found it a bit easier to just breathe around the doctor.

He could see them being friends now, with relative ease. Jim thought if they could keep this going then they wouldn't have to worry about any conflicts in the future. They could continue in this, sharing their daughter while carrying on with their lives. Jim could handle that. He could make himself be okay with that. The few moments they shared, while completely mind-numbingly painful in their nostalgic value, could be kept under wraps and maybe even diminish with enough time. Now that Bones was here, Jim thought he may be able to properly say goodbye to their memories.

By the time Orientation had ended, Jim had squashed all of his reticent feelings into the back of his mind, standing, stretching and making ready to literally_ run_ away from that damn auditorium. He was ready to continue reading on the rules and regulations of Starfleet, maybe hang out with Bones for a bit before they went to pick up Joanna, as had become their tradition in the past three days their daughter had been at Sandcastles.

His plan was ruined, as was becoming a habit here at Starfleet, when an instructor stepped up to the podium and asked for the first year cadets to gather in the cafeteria for a meet and greet. Jim nearly deflated. He looked over at Bones, who was scowling quite ferociously at the professor, and asked, "We're not technically first years, are we? I mean…we're both taking a fair amount of second year classes."

The doctor's scowl did not diminish. "If we were that damn lucky, Pike woulda let us skip this entire assembly. Can you imagine what he'll do to us if we don't go to the luncheon?"

Pike had become somewhat of a menace in Bones' eyes. He respected the captain well enough, but Bones thought he was completely around the bend. Jim didn't know what had happened in their appointment together, but it had left the doctor making snide comments about Pike for the past three days. All the information Jim had gotten from Bones was that he too was going to be a teacher's assistant, as well as working a shift or two a week at the medical center, and that he was also starting out with half second year and one third year class. Beyond that it had just been grumbles.

Jim sighed, watching as Bones hefted himself up from his seat. "Maybe we can eat and leave. Think that'll go over well?"

Bones raised an eyebrow, telling him flatly, "Like a snowball in hell."

Thirty minutes later found them in a line that easily wrapped around the large cafeteria twice. They had been some of the last ones to arrive, so naturally they were somewhere in wraparound two, not that they cared. Bones had decided to go on a verbal rant about how completely ridiculous the Orientation was, and how completely useless the speaker had been, and seriously, why the hell had they needed to be told to be considerate of other cultures. They were in Starfleet; if someone didn't like the other species, they probably shouldn't have enlisted in Starfleet.

Jim listened to it with a fond, indulgent smile, and just a few snorts. These rants were nothing new to him. Bones had made it a hobby to bitch about everything even in New Orleans. Jim would bet money Bones had entered the world complaining.

A few of the other cadets around them were not so calm about it. They kept sneaking Bones a few glances, and just judging by the way they moved back a little, they thought Bones had serious issues. A few looks directed at Jim relayed the message that they thought he was just as crazy for not moving away. He ignored them all, enjoying the naturalness that exuded the air between him and his friend. They didn't have to understand Bones, because in that instance, all that mattered was that Jim did.

They grabbed their plates and loaded their food onto it, and by the time they were at a relatively empty table, Bones was bitching about the lack of 'good' food to be found at this stupid shindig. The other two people at the table, a lovely young woman, whom Jim smiled at, and a young man, both stared at them with wide eyes as Bones continued to rant between his bites of food. As soon as they were done, they left quickly, and Jim noticed that when they did, Bones ranting went down considerably.

Jim nearly laughed. Ranting like a crazed lunatic was obviously Bones' people-repellant and it worked like a charm. He turned to the doctor, a small smirk in place.

"You're 'meeting and greeting' needs a little work, Bones," he said, reaching over idly with his fork to steal a tomato that had been pushed off to the side of sandwich Bones had been eating.

"They can make me attend; they can't make me participate," he said, watching curiously as Jim took the fruit. "I thought you didn't like tomatoes?"

Jim glanced at him, slicing the red fruit into manageable bites. He hadn't like tomatoes, not when he and Bones had been in New Orleans. He had actually gone through extreme measures to make sure nothing he ate had tomatoes hidden somewhere in them. But… He gave a half-hearted shrug. "Kinda changed my mind when I was carrying Jo. I went through this phase where I ate nothing but tomatoes and salt. It stuck even after she was born."

He popped a tomato slice in his mouth. "These aren't as fresh as I like them, but for a function this large, I'll take what I can get," he said around his bite, smiling when Bones rolled his eyes at his poor manners. He usually reined it in for Jo, but here and now, he just couldn't find it within himself to care.

He didn't want to be at this stupid thing any more than Bones did, and they couldn't escape, because Jim was sure he had seen an ominous flash of Christopher Pike not too far off. Jim estimated that they only had a minute or two left to themselves and their demolished plates before Pike hauled them off to meet with all the other people who looked much happier to be there. Jim was beginning to suspect that maybe Bones had reason to believe Pike was a menace, but part of him appreciated the captain and his evil genius.

As if he had heard Jim's thoughts and internal count down, Pike showed up exactly a minute later, smiling down at them in a way that promised no good outcome for them. "Jim, Doctor McCoy, I'm glad you two could make it," he said with a tone that told them clearly that he was happier that he didn't have to punish them in his own sneaky way for not attending. "You look about done, why don't you come and meet the teachers you'll be assisting."

Later Jim would realize that Pike was not only an evil genius, but an evil, tactical genius. There was no end to the people he introduced them to on their way to 'find' the professors they would be working with. All of them were admirals or captains. He didn't bother to introduce them to any other cadets, only big-wigs, people who would be helpful to know when they furthered their careers at Starfleet. He used their names and their genius in their own specialized fields to get them both talking in a semi-polite manner, and he smiled proudly each time an admiral or captain stated their awe that Starfleet had found these two brilliant men.

Jim and Bones both smiled appropriately; while Bones would scowl at Pike the instant he thought no one would see him. By the time Pike brought Bones to Lieutenant Felding, Jim thought Bones may really reach out and strangle the next higher-up who said 'well done, son.' Pike continued on with Jim in tow, smile still firmly intact.

Jim shook his head, his own smile crawling across his face. "Bones may kill you. You know that, right?"

He was rewarded with an abrupt burst of laughter. "Not until he outranks me, and I don't see that happening for a while." Pike drew them through the thick crowd, heading to the very furthest corner of the room, where a few admirals sat at a table and for a moment, Jim thought maybe Bones had gotten lucky being ditched with Felding, but Pike just stood next to the table, asking, "Admiral Archer, can I have a minute, sir?"

The man he was talking to, relatively tall with slate gray hair and bored eyes, lit up immediately. "Yes, Captain!" he said quickly, standing up a little too fast. He cast a look to the other admirals trying to look formal and regretful. "Gentlemen, ma'am" he said to the only female admiral at the table. "If you'll excuse me."

He didn't wait for their platitudes, simply began walking away, Pike and Jim following just as swiftly as he was walking until they were well out of ear shot. Archer looked back over to the table, trying to seem inconspicuous. They were watching him with bemusement written on their faces, so Archer didn't lose the formal stance he seemed caught in and neither did Pike. However, when the admiral spoke, the informality of it was almost enough to make Jim do a double take.

"Thanks, Chris. A few more moments alone with them and their discussion over 'The Prime Directive', and it's very likely that I would have gone brain dead," he said with relief flooding his voice.

Pike smirked. "I do what I can, Jon."

Another glance thrown at the table Archer had just left to see that they had gone to their pre-programmed boredom and Archer let himself relax a little. He looked over to Jim curiously, before looking back to the captain. "Introduce me to your friend?"

Pike looked a little uneasy for a moment, but he covered it quickly, straightening up again as he said, "This is actually your TA, Cadet James Kirk."

Jim reached out his hand, expecting Archer to act like all the other higher-ups did. He didn't. He just glared at Pike, his relief clearly being eclipsed by his irritation. "I told you, I don't want a damn TA, Chris. I'm getting old, but I'm not losing my mind!" he snapped.

Jim let his hand fall back to his side.

Pike rolled his eyes long-sufferingly. "I never said you were losing your mind, Jon. Stop being such a drama-queen. You have two-hundred and fifty students enrolled in your Relativistic Physics class, the highest it's ever been, and you still insist on doing three damn essays per semester. Cadet Kirk can read five-hundred words per minute, and already knows your material like the back of his hand."

"If he's so smart, why doesn't he help Lieutenant Commander Wilkerson in his class? God knows the man needs all the help he can get!" Archer's glare worsened at Wilkerson's name; like he was easily the foul of the universe and Archer would gladly feed him to an alien monster and not even feel guilty about it.

Pike snorted. "Are you kidding? Honestly, Jon. That man would have Cadet Kirk brought up on charges of being smarter than he is within the first three days. His material is outdated. I don't know why the academy still allows him to teach here!" the captain said vehemently. "No, Cadet Kirk, here, would do better with you, and you could use the help. You're not even supposed to have more than a hundred and seventy-five students. The Academy is making an exception for you, and you could use the help."

Jim spoke up quickly, before the other man could start talking. "I'm still here," he said matter-of-factly. "And I kinda feel like I'm being sold into slavery."

Pike actually looked a little embarrassed, but Archer looked as if he had just seen Jim for the first time. He cracked a crooked smile at him, and then his eyes started glittering in a way too similar to Pike's. Before Jim knew it he was being pelted with questions pertaining to relativistic physics, physics in general, and transporting equations. It was a little crazed, but Jim kept up with it, having spent an entire summer fascinated with transporters and how they worked.

It went on for twenty minutes and with each minute that passed Archer looked a little more impressed and Pike's smug smile from the Riverside Shipyard crept further onto his features. Finally, Archer stopped hurling questions at him, regarded him for a second, sizing him up. Jim stared right back, a little defiant after the way he had been ignored and cast off earlier.

"This is a very important question, Cadet," Archer said. "It will decide your fate."

Jim almost snorted. Archer was acting like this would end Jim's life if he didn't get to assist him in his teaching. He refrained, though Pike didn't. Pike rolled his eyes so hard his head moved with the motion.

"Do you like beagles?"

That clenched it. Everyone who knew Pike had lost their goddamn mind. Jim was going to fit in here just fine.

"I liked Snoopy well enough," Jim said cheekily. "I'm sure a real life version of him can't be bad."

Archer and Pike both paused for a second before bursting into laughter. Jim smiled hesitantly along with them, feeling like he had just passed some secret test that he didn't even know about.

"I like this one!" Archer crowed, his face displaying his merriment for the world to see. A few of the cadets around them looked on curiously to see what was happening. They leaned closer, trying to find out what was going on. They were paid no mind. "I'm keeping him. I swear, Chris, I'm going to keep this man."

He patted Jim's shoulder, giving it a friendly, welcoming shake as he worked off the last of his laughter.

"Who's keeping who?"

Jim turned his head slightly, to see Bones coming up to them from the crowd. He smiled in welcome, and Bones lifted a brow in askance.

"I think I've just been adopted by Admiral Archer," Jim answered, waving his hand toward the man who was still smiling. "Admiral, this is my friend, Doctor Leonard McCoy."

A strange expression came over Bones at the introduction, like he had just caught his foot in a bear-trap, but he extended his hand, saying pleasantly enough, "Admiral, pleasure to meet you."

Archer actually took Bones' hand, giving it a brief but firm shake. "Likewise, Doctor."

Pike apparently thought that they had met and greeted enough people, because for the rest of the time, they stood in that loose circle talking and getting to know each other. Bones apparently liked Felding well enough, telling Pike, 'At least you didn't stick me with a complete idiot.' Archer had laughed at that, slapping the captain on the back and telling him, 'damn, you picked well this semester.' He then asked the doctor where he was from, apparently having had an old friend who had an accent not dissimilar to Bones'.

They actually had a bit of fun, Bones scowl lessoned and Jim felt relaxed for the first time in a week, probably in years. He honestly felt like he belonged there, at Starfleet, making cracks about admirals he didn't know in person, but had read enough of to know they weren't exactly up to snuff. Archer and Pike seemed intrigued with his knowledge of the admiralty, but all Jim had to do was remind them that Winona had been in Starfleet, and that he had all but breathed Federation rumors and news during his childhood.

Archer took a real liking to Bones, as well, who couldn't seem to refrain from grouching about anything that came to mind. Jim was sure he was trying to get them to leave as he had with the other cadets, but these men were just as crazy as Jim was, and they thought his acerbic attitude was hilarious. By the end of it, Archer had managed to get the doctor to crack a smile by doing the worst impersonation of him the world had ever seen.

Jim was almost sad to see the luncheon end, but Archer said he'd be seeing him Monday, bright and early, and Pike said the same for Tuesday. They both bid farewell to Bones, with threats that they would see him around. Then they dispersed and the two cadets decided to go to the library to look up a few things for their upcoming classes before they picked up their daughter.

+ststst+

Joanna was running up to the door with a smile on her face. Bones had randomly decided that they should pick up dinner on the way home, and the thought of more macaroni and cheese had her excited to get home. She stopped short, when she saw three boxes piled just outside the door. Her bright, blue eyes lit up, and her mouth fell open as she touched both of her little hands to them.

"Boxes!" she proclaimed, looking at all three of them with open wonderment. She looked back to Jim and Bones, who were coming up behind her at a much more leisurely pace, Jim holding their bag of take out, and Bones holding onto Sellit and Jo's backpack. "Daddy!" she said. "I got boxes!"

Jim knew they were from Maggie Jay, having promised to send some of his things when he left last week. He walked up to the first one, which had the addresses typed up on adhesive paper, seeing the last name McCurdy typed curtly on the sender's line. He smiled, before he reached up to punch in his access code.

"We sure did, Jo-bear," he said with a smile. He brushed his hand over her hair, left loose today and tangled like mad. "Let's set our stuff down and then Papa and I will come back for them, 'kay?" It still felt weird to call Bones 'papa,' and the doctor still made faces when called that. However, he felt it was beneficial to Jo, less confusing than calling him by his name. He didn't know what the deal was with 'papa' for Bones, but unless he could find a better epithet to use, that was what he was going by.

She looked up at him with a blank face, stating again, "I got boxes!"

"I know. Don't worry; we'll come back for them. But you have macaroni and cheese, remember?"

She clapped her hands together, remembering her first love above all else. "Cheese!" she yelled as she hopped, literally hopped into the suite. He glanced back at Bones, who had a smile on his face again as their daughter bounced around like a bunny.

"You don't mind helping me, right?" Jim asked, feeling oddly guilty for volunteering Bones for a handyman job.

Bones looked at him, smile still on his face. "No, I don't mind."

Jim nodded, and entered into the apartment, Bones right behind him. They went to the kitchenette and Bones set Sellit and the backpack down in the corner of the entrance while Jim set Jo up with her meal, which consisted of a grilled cheese and ham sandwich as well as the macaroni. Joanna would not be lacking in calcium when she grew older. She was addicted to dairy products and apples. Then he and Bones went out to gather the boxes, setting them down on the couch in the living room.

Jim decided his dinner could wait, pulling the tape off the first box quickly. He knew at least one box would be clothing, air sealed so that Maggie Jay could fit as much as possible into one box. But the others were a mystery. One would probably be the pad to his holoscreen, but other than that, he didn't know what the hell she had decided he and Jo couldn't live without.

Bones sat on the coffee table, watching with barely hidden curiosity. His interest was mirrored almost precisely in Jo, who watched 'her boxes' with an intensity no two year old should have. He knew she wasn't really interested in the contents of the boxes, just with what she could do with the boxes afterwards. She was already building forts in her mind, he was sure.

As he expected the first box was nothing but air-vacuumed bags of clothing, both his and Joanna's, and a few toys thrown in for good measure. He dumped them all out onto the couch, putting the empty box down on the floor.

"Clothes?" Bones asked, picking up one of the flat, plastic-wrapped bundles of clothing.

"Toys, too," Jim said distractedly, already pulling the tape off of the second box.

Bones stood up this time, no longer able to contain his curiosity. Jim cast a hesitant look up to him, suddenly feeling as if he was reopening his life before the doctor's eyes. He cast it aside quickly. Bones knew what had been the last three years of his life. A pregnancy and little girl. That pretty much covered the bases. He pointed to the last one.

"You can help, if you want," he offered, hoping beyond hope that he wouldn't regret this.

Bones didn't need to be told twice, he opened the third box, pulling out the pad for Jim's holoscreen, rolled up tightly for travel, and setting it behind him on the coffee table. The next thing he pulled out was a small larger padd. He paused, looking down at it with confusion marring his features. Jim hesitated in pulling out his few paper books.

"What is it, Bones?" he asked, stepping closer.

Bones peeled something off the screen of the padd, showing it to Jim, a frown worrying between his brows.

_Make sure Bones gets this_.

That's what the note said, and Jim felt another three o'clock call coming on, full of curses and death threats. The almost comfortable air they had been sitting in suddenly became tense. Jim swallowed, his mouth and throat suddenly dry. What the hell was that woman doing?

Bones turned on the padd, pulling out the stylus from its slot. "This McCurdy knows I'm here?" he asked in a neutral tone, tapping the stylus against the touch-screen.

"Yeah," Jim rasped, looking over at Jo, who still watched them intently. "I told her Monday."

"You talked about me?" Hope again, and Jim almost wanted to hate Bones for it; really wanted to kill Maggie Jay for causing it. Jim had just thought that maybe Bones would be okay with a simple friendship, and she was pulling this shit!

Jim shrugged. "You are Jo's father. I needed to let the people back home know that we met again." When Bones didn't even glance up, Jim got nervous. He stepped closer, wondering just what Maggie had sent that would cause Bones to be so enamored with that padd. "What is it?" he asked.

Bones moved the holoscreen to the floor, and took a seat, leaving enough room for Jim to join him. "They're pictures," he said, still staring at the screen.

Jim thought he meant that Maggie had sent pictures of Joanna when she was a baby, but as Jim sat and looked over Bones' shoulder, he saw not their daughter, but himself. He was three years younger and sleeping on Maggie Jay's overstuffed couch, one arm thrown over his eyes, and the other resting on his stomach, which at the was only expanded enough to where his t-shirts were just a bit snug.

Four months pregnant, if he had to hazard a guess.

Jim's eyes widened at the picture, and he couldn't help but exclaim, "that bitch!" At the bizarre look he got from Bones, he continued. "She told me she deleted those damn pictures!"

"Joanna's in the kitchen," Bones reminded him quietly, his hazel eyes switching between the picture and Jim. "Why did you want to get rid of these?" he asked, almost sadly.

Jim sighed, glaring at the picture. Bones clicked to the next one, and Jim was in his old apartment, sitting at his old table reading a book. His stomach was larger than in the last one, he could tell easily through the loose sweater than hadn't been loose enough. Six months pregnant in that one.

He shook his head, "I hate having my picture taken. I try to get out of them as much as possible."

The next picture was close to the previous one. Jim had just caught her snapping that picture of him and was flipping both Maggie Jay and the camera the bird.

Bones chuckled at that. "I never woulda pegged you for bein' camera shy, Jim," he said, his accent coming out a bit more, resembling the Bones he had known in Louisiana more than the Bones he knew now, in California. "You were always kinda the center of the party in New Orleans."

Jim shook his head, too distracted by hating Maggie Jay's guts to notice that Bones had brought up New Orleans. "I've always hated getting my picture taken. Even when I was a kid."

He was happy when the next one was of Jo, still at the hospital and asleep in her crib. Her mop of curly brown hair was messed up, even then and she had both of her tiny hands up by her head. He smiled at the picture, looking up at Bones with a fond expression still on his face. "She was about sixteen hours old in that picture. Maggie Jay had just gotten off her shift and she snapped three million pictures of Joanna while she slept. Most of these next ones will probably be of her sleeping."

"I don't mind," he said, clicking over to the next picture, which as Jim had thought, was of Jo still asleep and ignorant to the world around her. When Bones spoke again, his voice was full of emotions and it almost sounded like he was choking on them. "She's even more beautiful than I imagined."

Jim looked up at the man beside him, sadness and regret tugging at his heart as he saw the glossiness of Bones eyes. He couldn't imagine looking at his baby through pictures the way Bones was. Jim had been there, staring at his daughter in real life, touching her soft skin, and picking her up every so often to hold her while she slept, to feed her. He couldn't imagine having to look at her and not know what she felt like, what sounds she made.

"I'm sorry," he told Bones for the first time since they had re-met, since Bones had discovered their creation.

Bones looked up at him with an unfathomable expression, his eyes still bright with un-fallen tears. He took a deep breath, before shocking Jim by reaching for his hand, holding it tightly but not painfully, as if he just needed the reminder that Jim was really there. When he spoke again, Jim was even more floored by the words the slipped through his lips in barely more than a whisper. "So am I."

Jim didn't know what the hell Bones had to be sorry about, but he found he couldn't ask. His words trapped in his throat, he could only stare at Bones with remorseful blue eyes, hating the fact that Bones met his gaze with forgiveness. God, Jim would never be this calm, never be so forgiving. He would never have been able to forgive Bones if their roles had been reversed. He almost wanted to ask Bones how he could be okay with all of this, even if Jim was trying to make up for it.

"This isn't all on you, Jim," Bones said, his voice still quiet. He glanced down at their hands. "I should never have gone back to Georgia. I should have…"

Jim gave his hand a gentle squeeze, gathering Bones' attention. "It's probably better that you did. At least this way we have the chance of being friends."

The words tumbled out of his mouth, and they sounded weak, even to his ears. Jim rapidly understood what had caused Bones to make that pained expression when he had introduced him to Admiral Archer. 'Friend.' In the light of Bones' confession it felt stale and lackluster. It was the best he could offer, though. He wouldn't risk Bones hating him for a few months of happiness. It just wouldn't be worth it in the end. At least this way, he could always see Bones, could laugh with him, and watch their daughter grow with him even if he wasn't_ with_ him.

It would be better this way. He could learn to live with it and Bones would wake up one day and realize that he only wanted whatever he wanted because Jim was the father of his child. It was natural to want a working relationship with the person who gave birth to his daughter, and Jim didn't slight him that. But he would get over it. Bones would move on in a month or two, because though the three days had been exceptional, and this week hadn't been the worst in the world, Jim was no catch. Bones could do better than him.

"Friends," Bones repeated. "That's all you want?"

Jim almost wanted to stand up, to put some distance between them, but his mind wasn't sending the proper signals. His feet stayed immobile on the wood flooring, not moving to take him across the room. He didn't even let go of Bones' hand. He couldn't even nod, though he knew he should. He should say yes, that was all he wanted.

It wasn't true, though. It was what they_ needed_. They needed to just stay friends, and forget that New Orleans was ever something special to them. But Jim_ wanted_ what Bones was trying to offer him.

He stayed still, hand still in Bones,' watching as Bones leaned towards him, green eyes holding his blue easily. The distance between them reduced, and Jim's lips parted against his power. He could feel Bones' breath against his face, warm and mingling with his own shortened breathing. Their eyes were still open, still watching the other, still taking in all the feelings that reflected the swirling emotions in their chests.

Jim should have leaned back; he knew he should. He had an entire list of why this was a bad idea, why they shouldn't be doing this. He had dreamed of this though, dreamed of this man and his kisses and his hands for three and a half long years. His conscience screamed 'no' at him over and over, but his subconscious told him to lean forward, to close that ever diminishing gap, that it would be okay just this once.

Joanna hopped out of her chair, her feet hitting the floor with an audible 'thud,' startling them both. Jim jerked away, all of himself coming under the control of his mind and more importantly the logical side, the side that was right. Christ, how long had she been watching them? He had nearly forgotten she was there at all; he had been so wrapped up in Bones, in lingering feelings they shouldn't even fucking have.

He looked over to their daughter, who was running towards them, and more importantly the empty box on the floor. "My box!" she giggled happily as she tipped it over and crawled inside it. "Daddy! Papa! I got a box!"

"I see that, Jo-bear." "Looks like fun, baby."

The spoke at the same time, giving her platitudes as she tipped the box over on top of herself, curling up as small as possible so that she could fit all the way under it. Jim looked back to the man beside him, his feelings still welling inside his chest, but firmly in control of himself.

"Just friends," Jim said again, barely firmer than the first time, but that little bit more resolve made it sound as if he meant it.

Bones met his gaze evenly, his face neutral save for his clenching jaw and his eyes that showed just as much emotion as Jim felt. He nodded, short and swift, as if someone had just pushed his head forward against his will. He kept his mouth shut, visibly trying not to argue against Jim's decision.

"Thank you," Jim said, standing again to continue going through the rest of the two boxes still on his couch. Bones stayed on the coffee table for a few minutes longer, before he picked up the holoscreen pad, asking gruffly, as if they hadn't just nearly kissed, which wall Jim wanted to hang it from.

Jim hated him a little for that, too, for pretending that they were fine when they weren't. He hated himself even more for being too cowardly to bring it up himself. He had never had a problem speaking his mind, never faltered to bring up a conversation that needed to be had. He didn't know why Bones affected him so badly. He just knew that he wanted Bones to stay in Jo's life and in his.

+ststst+

(let's do the time warp again)

InnocentGuilt


	7. Chapter 7

By the time Bones had gone home Friday night, Jim was prepared never to speak to Maggie Jay again. He had never been one to enforce the silent treatment on anyone, but he thought in such circumstances he would be silent until she called him, at the very least. It wasn't that anything had worsened during the night, but it was tense, worse than tense actually. It was almost oppressive. The air between them crackled with pent up frustration and anger, and though he knew Maggie hadn't intended for that to happen, had she not stuck her nose in his business they would still be close to okay.

Even Joanna seemed to notice; only asking for their participation in her games a few times, preferring her boxes and imagination to the stilted atmosphere of the real world. He knew that she could tell something was wrong. Putting her to bed for the last three nights had been even more of a challenge than usual. Sunday, she had even wet her overnight pull-ups, something she hadn't done since a few days before leaving Iowa. Now and then over the weekend, when Jim and Bones were together, he would see her luminous blue eyes staring up at them, practically demanding to know, 'what the hell is going on here?'

Jim's dreams had been nowhere close to helpful, either.

_Bones ran his hands over his stomach, lingering over silver-white lines and the thin scar just below his navel. Fingers traced gingerly, outlining and memorizing each line that had never been there before. His breath followed after his fingers, as his almost-green eyes stared up at him with a concentration unmatched by anyone else in the world. _

_Lips next, dragging along every mark. His breath hitched in his throat, not aroused but just overwhelmed. No one had showed his body so much appreciation. His heart beat faster in his chest, his hands gripping Bones' shoulders in intervals, holding on tightly when moist breath ghosted over his stomach, loosening when he pulled away. He couldn't turn away from Bones, couldn't move at all. He was completely captivated, surrendering to the devotion clouding that hazel gaze. _

_The first dip of Bones' tongue into his navel sent sparks through him. He could not control his body; couldn't control the way he arched against Bones' lips. He was almost helpless, writhing as Bones' nipped at his stomach. His hand carted through short brown hair, vividly feeling the softness of it, remembering how it felt before, in New Orleans._

_Slowly, Bones lowered his head, hot air breezing along Joanna's scar. He reached to lowest point of Jim's Caesarean scar, before pressing the flat of his tongue to the healed over skin. A small noise escaped his mouth as he pushed Bones off of him, pressing the older man into the mattress…_

He awoke on Monday to the sound of the computer blaring heart-stopping alarms throughout the suite. It was the first time Jim had needed it to wake him up since Joanna has started daycare. He quickly called for it to end, pulling himself out of his bed quickly to check on his daughter. The dream still preyed heavily on his mind, taunting him and pulling him further into his own self-doubt. He couldn't listen to it though. He couldn't be swayed. He had made up his mind.

He entered Joanna's room to see her rubbing her eyes with her small hands. He smiled at her, ordering computer to turn the lights on to sixty percent. Her fists came up over her eyes and she turned away from the light, her face twisting violently. He went to the edge of her bed, pulling her up from the sheets, into his lap, easily. He tucked her head under his chin, feeling older than his twenty-two years.

He almost couldn't believe that this was the first day of classes. He had been preparing for this day for the last week, but having it on him right now, he felt out of place.

Joanna's hands curled into his shirt, nuzzling into his neck. He held her tightly, while inconspicuously checking her overnights. She had wet them again. Jim sighed, pressing a kiss to her head before he set her on her feet. For a few moments, they stared at each other. Then, Jim ran his hand over her mess of lightly curled brown hair.

"C'mon, Jo-bear. Let's get ready for the day," he said, finally standing and reaching over to her standard Starfleet dresser to pluck out a pair of pull-ups. She had actual underwear in there, but in the light of the weekend, he thought it was better to get the disposables. As of yet, she had always been prompt in telling Jim when she needed the bathroom, but at the daycare, he thought it would be better to dress her in and send her with a few pull-ups.

He took her to the bathroom, following after her to throw the soiled overnights into the thrash recycler. He dressed her easily, though she demanded that she wanted to wear a dress. Jim knew it was supposed to be chilly that day so he bargained and bargained with her. Finally, he dressed her in a skirt and leggings, with a sweater on top. She wasn't happy about it, but she didn't throw herself on the ground, so he saw that as a win.

While she watched her show, the one with the four children from different planets, he locked and secured the only door to make sure she didn't leave as he went to take a quick shower. After he had dressed in the cadet reds, he exited the bathroom. She was no longer at the table. Her milk and cereal gone and she sat impossibly close to the holoscreen. Every so often, she would reach for a character, or she would still scream 'go' at the top of her lungs.

Jim waited until the show was over before he took her to Sandcastles.

+ststst+

After dropping Jo off at daycare and talking to the instructor for a while, he headed back to the Academy. Bones still loomed on his mind, but Jim was determined not to let it take over him until the day was over. He had enough on his plate without constantly worrying about how he was going to clear the air, and he was going to clear it again, there was no doubt about it.

He entered into one of the several large buildings, knowing it was the one he needed after studying the map for a few short moments this morning before he left. The halls were still relatively empty, with just a few teachers roaming the hall. He supposed most the students were still eating or generally lazing in their dorms until they had to leave. Jim wondered if they would even be allowed into the class before the posted time it started. He had heard that some Universities and especially some professors were like that.

He drew closer to Archer's classroom, as his TA class was the first thing he had on Mondays, expecting the door to be shut. He should have known a little better. The door was open, inviting all who passed to enter. More importantly, he heard voices already, indecipherable at first, but as he drew closer they became crisp. By the time he was actually hovering in the doorway, he knew the Pike and Archer were already arguing about something again. Jim was quickly beginning understand that that was pretty much all they did.

"Get your ass outta my seat!" Archer demanded, standing behind his chair and glaring down at the top of Pike's head. "I just got it precisely how I wanted it and you're messing with all the buttons. Shouldn't you be harassing someone else?"

For a second, Jim didn't think the captain would respond. He sat in the chair the same way he did in his own, as if commanding it to make him more comfortable, that same large mug in his hands. He almost looked asleep. If Jim hadn't heard his voice just seconds, he would swear the man was taking a post-sleep nap. Pike was severely anti-morning.

When he did answer, his words were slow and quiet with a dreamy quality to them. "You know, I ask myself that about you every time you show up at my house. Consider this payback. You have no life outside work. I have no life inside work."

The glare worsened, before Archer walked over to his desk and grabbed a padd. He turned back to Pike, smacking him on the shoulder with each word he spoke. "Get. Out. Of. My. Seat."

Pike startled, his eyes flying open, but he still managed not to spill his huge cup of coffee. He stared up at the other man groggily and with the beginnings of a put-upon look on his face. "That's below the belt, Jon."

He got out of the seat, though, instead leaning against the desk. The admiral took his chair with a huff, still glaring at him. Jim wondered how long he could stand in the doorway before one of them took notice. They seemed pretty wrapped up in their system of early-morning bitchery. He bet he could stand there until class started and they would be none the wiser.

"So's saying I have no life outside work! I have a life. I've got Porthos." He gestured into the corner of the room, where Jim noticed for the first time a little beagle was lying on a pillow. At his name, the dog perked its head up, but just as quickly settled it down again on the pillow. Pike looked so jealous of that dog.

"When's the last time you had a_ date_?" Pike retorted, still looking like he wanted to snatch Porthos' pillow and make use of it himself.

Archer grinned. "I could ask you the same question."

"I have an excuse."

"Yeah?" he asked, lifting his eyebrows in askance. "Let me here it. I may need to use it next time you ask me out."

"Sorry, Admiral, you can't use mine," Pike told him with an amused grin. "I'm leaving in three years. It would behoove me not to get into any sort of emotional attachment when I'll just be breaking it off. Starfleet grounded your ass."

Archer leaned back in his chair, staring up at Pike with a small frown. "You make me sound like a wayward eleven year old."

"If the shoe fits…"

Archer blew Pike a raspberry, and Jim actually chuckled at that, before stepping completely into the room. Both men looked over in his direction. Pike greeted him with a wave and a small smile, but not much else, while Archer said, "Stuff it, here comes the red."

He smiled, but his face scrunched with confusion. "The Red?" he asked. "You make me sound like some cheesy, dictatorial authority figure."

"With you hanging around him," Archer said with a nod towards Pike, "it's only a matter of time."

Pike didn't even grace that statement with acknowledgement; he just took a sip from his coffee cup. Then, completely ignoring the admiral, and physically showing that he was going to ignore him, he turned his back to Archer and asked Jim how his weekend was.

Jim didn't go into any of the details. He covered it with a simple, "okay," even if he knew he was lying. Neither Pike nor Archer seemed to catch him. Jim walked over to the first tier of tables and pulled a chair out from behind it.

"This is my chair," he said as he settled in it.

Archer raised his brows. "Want me to find you a pen so you can write your name on it?" he asked, cattily. He was probably still just a little bitter about having a TA, even if he had decided to keep Jim.

"Don't tempt me," Jim warned, with a small smile pulling at his features. "I've done it before."

He really shouldn't have been surprised when Archer opened one of his drawers and pulled out a permanent marker. Jim laughed as he held it out towards him, but took it. He got out of his seat, and tipped it over, writing on the bottom of it, 'Jim's chair' and 'Don't touch.' He had a satisfied grin on his face when he returned the chair's legs to the floor. He tossed the marker back to Archer, before he looked at Pike.

The captain rolled his eyes with a sigh, pushing off from the desk. "I gotta get outta here before these childish frivolities affect my brain." He gave them both one final look, his eyes settling on Jim. "Have a good first day," he said. "Try to keep Jon in line."

"Hey!" Archer protested.

Jim's grin only grew and he waved his goodbye to Pike. The captain exited the large room, practically breathing in the scent of the coffee to keep him awake as he passed by a few cadets who were entering. Jim watched them with interest, while Archer leaned back in his chair, beginning to adopt a look that matched Pike's 'I'm going to be very evil very soon, and a lot of people aren't going to like it' face. Jim honestly felt pity for these poor fools. He had a feeling Archer was one evil sonofabitch when it came to teaching, and judging from the look on his face, he enjoyed every second of it.

Two hundred and fifty students filed in quickly. Jim even recognized one of them as a cakette from Shipyard Bar. Surprise, surprise, the cakette recognized him, too, sending him a bewildered look as Jim continued to sit at the front of the large auditorium-style classroom with Archer. By eight o'clock, Archer looked up at the chronometer and at eight o' one he kicked his feet up onto the desk.

"Computer, shut and lock door."

The door slid shut, and in the mostly quiet room it sounded ominous. Jim even saw a few students squirm uncomfortably.

Archer smiled giddily.

"Welcome to my torture chamber," he called out to the cadets.

Jim was just going to love this class.

+ststst+

Jim was in the cafeteria sitting at a table alone. His food was pushed away from him, and he had a padd on the table, skimming through some pages for one of his classes. Most of the morning classes were ridiculously easy, even those meant for second year cadets. He knew he would barely even have to look at most of the chapters, but he thought it would be good to at least look at the suggested readings.

Mainly he was just trying to distract himself. He still hadn't figured out a way to bring up the conversation that he needed to have with Bones. He knew it had to be done, but he just…really wanted it to dissipate on its own. He didn't want to have to explain himself, and he knew if they started talking it would all come tumbling out of his mouth. Bones didn't need to know how badly Jim wanted him; it would only confuse the situation and would completely undo Jim's resolve for friendship only.

He needed to find a way to quickly resolve the situation, while keeping the friends only demand intact.

He sighed, pressing the page-over icon on his padd. There was no way he would be able to figure out what to say. He had no clue how even approach this situation.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when a tray settled across from him. He looked up quickly to see Bones taking the chair to his left.

"Hey," Jim greeted him quietly. Bones cast his eyes to Jim quickly, before he settled them on his food again, pushing it around with a mild look of disgust on him face. Jim watched him for a moment, before asking the safest question he could think of. "You enjoying your classes?"

Bones stabbed at a piece of broccoli. "Is that a rhetorical question?"

Jim stared at him blankly for a moment, trying to decipher if he should take the irritation in Bones' voice as being directed at him or at the vegetables that had been overcooked. Perhaps it was directed at his classes, his teachers, or maybe just Starfleet in general. Bones really had no limit to what could irritate him. Jim rubbed his forehead, feeling a tension headache coming on.

He took a deep breath, taking a plunge, and hoping for a positive outcome. "Come on, Bones. I wanna know how your day was."

Bones dropped his fork onto his plate before leveling Jim with a glare. Apparently a good majority of his irritation was with Jim. Even more apparent, he was done biting his tongue. "Why?" he asked, and Jim knew damn well he wasn't asking why he wanted to know about his day.

"Don't do this here," Jim demanded. The headache was worsening. He looked around at the people who still occupied the cafeteria. They were mostly minding their own business, but Jim knew that if they continued this here more people would become interested. He really didn't want to become the entertainment of the afternoon.

Bones glared at him, his features tight with anger. "Where the hell do you want to do this then? On the quad?" Jim didn't answer, just met the doctor's gaze with a calm he didn't really feel. Bones' lips tightened as he continued glowering at Jim. "I just want to know why."

Jim stared at him for a moment, wondering what to say. Bones wanted to know why, but he couldn't really explain it. They just couldn't. Bones would leave. Bones would hate Jim. Jim would fuck everything up. It was just easier this way, and he really wished the doctor could just understand that. He was impressed that Bones had held his tongue for so long, but Jesus, why couldn't Bones have just…not lingered on him? Why did he have to like the idea of 'them' so much?

Jim rubbed his hand against the back of his neck, saying as gently as he could, "We can't just pick up where we left off, Bones. It doesn't work like that."

"Well, no shit. You think I haven't thought of that?" he asked incredulously. He leaned over the table closer to Jim, making this argument just as personal as all the previous ones had been. Up close, breaking barriers, generally portraying a comfort with him that he shouldn't have.

Jim wanted to physically push him away, wanted him out of his space. He couldn't do that, though. He didn't know why they were being so adult about this entire thing, but the fact of the matter was that they were. Jim could only sit there, feeling his head pound while staring at Bones tiredly. "Then what the fuck do you want from me?"

"I want you to at least consider it."

"I have," Jim snapped. "I considered it, and I'm asking to just stay friends. Why is that so wrong?"

"Because I'm not stupid, Jim. You don't wanna be 'just friends.' You've been making googly eyes at me just as much as I have at you."

"I don't make googly eyes," he said, affronted at that statement, which was honestly ridiculous considering what else had been stated.

A lingering silence hovered around them for a few moments, in which time Jim stared at Bones' untouched plate of food and the fork that had been thrown down into it. He noticed his padd had automatically turned to sleep mode. But he couldn't find anything else to say. He didn't even want to try to find something else to say, not here and not now. When nothing was forthcoming from Jim, Bones leaned back with what Jim could only equate as a huff. "I can tell that you don't want to stay the way we are. I can see it. I'm not blind."

"I never accused you of it," he said blandly, still looking at the messy fork.

"Why are you being like this?"

"It's complicated."

Silence again, coupled with Bones' eyes burning holes into his skin. Jim's head was pounding, and he wished it would go away so he could explain this better, without short answers that were vague and unhelpful to their situation. He didn't mean to be like this. He would have liked to give some type of meaningful answer, truthful or not. He didn't care at the moment. He just wanted this to just go away!

"Well, it better get uncomplicated," Bones said quietly. Jim looked up to him finally, and he could see the almost-green of his eyes focusing on him with relentless intent. The doctor opened his mouth, and by the set of his face he meant business. "I'll let you have your 'just friends' kick for now, but there had better be a damn good reason for it. You've made it clear that you're not leaving. I think I should make it clear too. I'm not going anywhere, and unless you have a damn good reason, I'm not going to settle for this melodramatic bullshit. I've spent every night dreaming about you; wasted hours fantasizing about you; lost_ countless_ moments just _wondering_ about you. For three years, you were the good memory that got me through bad times. And now you're right within arms' reach, and you have everything I ever dreamed of…"

He faltered and Jim almost laughed at the fact that he could say everything that Jim needed hear, all of the cheesiest most romantic shit that Jim had never wished to hear yet always hope he would, and he still looked so pissed off. It was so classically Bones that it was almost heart-stopping.

"I've got to go to class," Jim said, standing up quickly. "I'll see you when we pick Jo up."

Bones deflated, almost looking defeated as he pushed his tray away from him. Jim wanted to tell him it would be okay, but until he could sit down, and stop running, it mostly likely wouldn't be. Jim thought it was strange that he was the one leaving, when he had been the one who wanted to have this conversation. He felt guilty about it, too. Bones was trying, and all he did was block.

+ststst+

His last class of the day was Intergalactic Ethics and he knew just by reading the texts that it was going to be the most boring class in the history of all classes designed. He hadn't even entered the auditorium, but he knew he was going to hate it.

As he did enter the classroom, he paused to look around for a seat. A lot of cadets were already there. He hadn't had a lot of time to get from his last class to this one so he was about two minutes from being late. From where he was looking, seats were scarce. Perhaps if he sat in the very back of the room he would be able to procure a seat with relative ease, but he usually like sitting between rows three and eight.

He continued looking, aware that some of the cadets were staring at him as he stood blankly at the front of the class. He didn't care, though. He had been observed by what he had considered more important people. His eye caught that of a pretty brunette with dark brown eyes. She almost reminded him of Helen in appearance, but she smiled at him too kindly, maybe a little flirtatiously. However, she didn't have a seat available by her so he quickly moved on.

He had almost resigned himself to looking further back for a seat, when all of the sudden, "Kirk!"

His head snapped around, as did several others, for the source of the voice. A hand shot into the air to hail his attention, beautiful shade of cocoa, and he wouldn't have needed to see her face to know her as Uhura. She had the most beautiful hands, well, aside from Bones'. He started for her, sitting on the far side of the room from where he was and up about six rows.

She had a free chair open beside her, which Jim found a little odd for how pretty she was. He would figure every guy and a lot of the females would be flocking around her and vying for her hard-to-obtain attention. As he hopped up the steps to the sixth row, she moved over a seat, getting a bizarre look from the man beside her, as if shocked that she was sparing Jim any attention.

"Hey," he said as he took the seat she had just vacated. "Thanks."

Her smile wasn't radiant, but it had amusement underneath the small upturn of her lips. "Don't mention it," she said as she tapped her padd to life. "I couldn't bear to watch you stand up there with that lost look any longer."

"Very sweet of you, Miss Uhura," he said, feeling his own amused grin playing at his lips. "Here I thought you actually wanted my company."

She looked up at him and raised her brow. "No, I just have a bleeding heart."

Without thinking he told her cheekily, "I know a doctor who could fix that for you."

He paused. He would be meeting up with Bones soon, and most likely he would have redoubled his efforts to crack Jim. He seemed to be the persevering type, the kind that didn't hold back until they got what they wanted, whether it be an understanding of the human body or an understanding of Jim's cracked mind. Jim knew he was going to be coming back though. His small, heartfelt, but angry speech had reassured him that, at least until he lost hope, Bones was going to be there, perhaps relentlessly.

Jim wasn't sure he was ready for that, or would be ready for that, but he sure as hell wasn't ready for Uhura to size him up, and say with calculated tact and coyness, "Your husband?"

Had Jim had a drink at hand he would have spit it out and that would have just sucked because there was a Tellarite seated in front of them, and they weren't the cuddliest people to begin with. He looked at her, stunned. "My what?"

She rolled her eyes. "That's what I thought." When he continued staring at her, his mouth open, his brows drawn down in complete confusion, she continued. "The man you've been running around with for the past week," she explained. "Rumor has it that the two of you are married and that Joanna is your daughter. I knew it wasn't true."

"No, we're not married," Jim said, feeling that tension headache coming back. Having that Locke woman at Sandcastles think he and Bones were married was one thing. She was old, eccentric, and they had yet to even bother to correct her. Having the entirety of the Academy cadets thinking they were married…Jim was going to need so much ibuprofen before the semester was over.

Uhura nodded. "I had figu…wait." Her eyes narrowed on him in what he would easily consider a dangerous way in the future. She lowered her voice to what hardly even qualified as a whisper; it was so quiet. Jim actually had to lean in to make out what she said. "You mean she really is both of yours?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I thought that would be obvious. Jo looks so much like him."

"Any kid can look like they belong to the people standing next to them if you look hard enough."

"Well, in this case, she looks like him because she is his." He flicked his eyes forward, when the door slid open but they went back to Uhura when she made a small noise of confusion, which Jim classified as a squeak.

"How…?" she began to ask.

"I'll explain it later," he said with a sigh. "Teacher's here."

Uhura immediately snapped upright and turned to face the front.

Jim's day just kept getting better and better. He really hoped this headache left him alone before he picked Jo up, which reminded him that he was meeting Bones after this class. Uhura probably wouldn't be that patient to get the nitty-gritty details of his and Bones' affair after lecture ended. He wondered if he could delay the onslaught of questions until tomorrow or something. Maybe they could meet for lunch and he could satisfy her curiosity then.

Just because the angry heathen gods hated him, Intergalactic Ethics really was the most boring class ever.

+ststst+

Jim had been able to beg Uhura off rather easily. He only had to bring up picking up Jo from the daycare and she had bent, while looking seriously unhappy about it. Apparently, just because one seemed incredibly proper, did not mean one was above a good gossip story. He doubted she would really spread it around, but that didn't make her any less of a gossip. She had asked if they could meet for lunch tomorrow, and though Jim had been unsure if Bones would be joining him, at all, any more, ever again after this afternoon, he had said it would be fine.

His headache hadn't dissipated, as he had hoped it would, but it wasn't killing him. He felt like he could take Jo home without worrying that all he would be able to do would be lounging on the couch for the night. The few times he had done that in the past, he had felt guilty for it when Jo looked at him with big, pitiful eyes, wondering why he didn't want to play with her. With any luck his headache would stay down, and he wouldn't have to do that to her this evening.

He walked out to the middle of the quad, looking around the milling cadets for a surly, southern doctor who was sure to be wearing the darkest scowl this side of the Mississippi. His blue eyes scanned for a minute, two. He was genuinely startled when a hand rested on his shoulder, tensing, before he realized that it was his surly, southern doctor, indeed with said dark scowl on his face. He glared at every cadet around them and even at a few of the instructors, with a passion that made Jim think that he hadn't had the best day, and he had been an intricate part in making it that terrible.

He let himself be guided through throngs of cadets until they were in the throngs of civilians, heading away from the Academy. Jim stepped away from Bones, but kept close to him. Bones frowned at him for a moment, before taking a deep breath. "Will you at least try to explain it to me?"

Jim thought about where to start, all the places he could go with his explanation, what Bones would be mostly likely to respond to. He couldn't think of anything proper to say, though. He wanted to keep his personal issues to himself, but he didn't want to pretend like he could read Bones like a book and say that the doctor would just grow bored with him. He couldn't see the future; he knew that. They had just as much chance of making it in whatever type of relationship Bones wanted to pursue as they did of falling apart. It just wasn't a chance he wanted to take.

"Look," he started and stopped just a quickly. He glanced around them and the slightly crowded sidewalk they were traversing. He grabbed Bones' hand, and pulled them to a stop. He wanted to look Bones in the eye when he said this. "I don't deny that I still harbor feelings for you. In three days, you completely turned my life around, and not just because of what I got to take home with me. You actually cared, and up to that point I hadn't had a lot of that."

A small smile stole across his lips, before it faded. "But we're two completely different people now, and as great as it is that Jo has both of her parents, we just might not be compatible. I think it would be best if we just…_ stayed_ like we are, because we're pretty awesome like this. Don't you think?"

He forced his smile to stay after that, like he was trying to force Bones to believe that what he was saying was real.

The doctor stared at him for a long moment, his eyes practically boring into Jim's soul, looking for a give, and dammit, Jim needed to learn how to lie to that man. He already knew he had been caught in his own explanation. Bones shook his head slightly, saying, "If you know we both still have feelings for each other, then why would you want to stay friends? We may be different than how we were before, I understand that, but I already told you that I understand it won't be just like New Orleans. You're not making any sense, Jim."

He looked down at the ground. This was not working to his favor. Bones was out-logic-ing his logic and it really sucked! He sighed, his mind working rapidly.

Then it came to him. "Will you wait until the end of the semester?" he asked suddenly. The end of the semester was three months away. By then Bones should run his course with whatever it was he was feeling. He would realize that Jim wasn't worth the effort. They would be friends, and it would all be okay. If he could just get Bones to wait, to stop wanting him before they ever entered into a relationship, it would be okay!

Bones wasn't following, which was fine. He wasn't supposed to understand. He was just supposed to agree. "What?" he asked incredulously.

"Will you wait until the end of the semester for me?" Jim asked again, gently touching one of his hands to Bones' chest, loving and hating the warmth that lay beneath the red shirt. It was hard not to just take his words back, to just say to hell with all of this. But he couldn't. It would be better this way. He nodded at Bones, reassuringly. "You're right, we should try, but…I'm not myself right now. This is a lot to deal with. I want to get used to the idea of just_ you_ before I try to get used to the idea of _with you."_

Bones stared at him, and beneath Jim's hand, beneath his shirt and warmth, his heart picked up pace, like it used to when Jim bit down on the juncture of his neck and shoulder. Bones gave him a short nod, a small smile forming on his lips. "Yeah. I'll wait as long as you need me to."

He brought his hand up to Jim's and gave it a content squeeze. "I'm not going anywhere," he said again.

Their hands slipped down to their sides, and Jim nodded to him. "Well," he said with false relaxation. "Now, that that's taken care of, will you tell me about your day?"

Bones shook his head, rolling his eyes, but slowly explained about his basic Xeno-Anatomy and Physiology class as they continued towards Sandcastles. Jim liked that they were talking again, even if it felt kind of wrong to give Bones what felt like false hope. Not that it would really matter, Bones would forget about him by the time semester ended. No, what really felt wrong to Jim was giving himself false hope.

+ststst+

A/N: I honestly have nothing good to say here. I wish I had a little doodle section so I could give you a butterfly smile-y or something, but I don't so…you're on your own. Imagine me saying something witty.

InnocentGuilt


	8. Chapter 8

Jim and Bones were sitting with Joanna at a small café just outside the Academy grounds, eating lunch on the rare occasion that Bones could join him and Joanna for this mealtime.

Uhura had told him about it on Tuesday when they had sat together at lunch. Bones as it turned out wouldn't be able to join Jim for lunch on Tuesdays, Thursdays, or Fridays, and as luck would have it Uhura had the same basic schedule as he did, not with the same classes of course. The different tracks only overlapped on a few classes, perhaps ten in total from what Jim had been reading. However, just as in most high schools there were different lunches. On Mondays and Wednesdays, Jim and Bones shared the second wave of lunch, while Uhura had third wave. The other three days, Jim and Uhura shared the first wave, while the doctor had fourth wave.

Uhura, while often seeming unimpressed with him for several different reasons that mainly revolved around the amount of attention he received from most of the female cadets, seemed relieved to have his company. In the past week, he had come to realize that though many people would gladly talk to Uhura, she too seemed a little shunned. The other cadets in her track, and many from the other tracks, were intimidated by her cunning and natural ease in linguistics, and well they should be.

Uhura, he quickly realized, was a freaking genius when it came to languages. In fact, about half of the times anyone had interrupted them at lunch had been to ask Uhura about something they didn't understand in Klingon, Romulan, or Orion. Not only that, but she was really outspoken. She had no problem putting someone in their place, having done it to Jim a few times already, though Jim had only grinned cockily at her the way he had in Shipyard Bar. Put those two with her looks, and Jim could see why a lot of the other cadets would be hesitant to be around her.

He just thought she was really fun. Even when she was going into lecture mode, and tended to insult him just a little bit, she was so full of life, so different from everyone in Iowa, and maybe just a little like Bones. Most of the time, she was kind enough. She saved him a seat in their shared class and at lunch. She introduced him to the few almost-friends she had, and when he told her the story of he and Bones, she took a vested interest in how they were doing now. She even went as far as to ask how Bones and Jo were when asking how he was, knowing they spent most of their time together after Thursday.

Jo's squeals interrupted his musings about his new, if totally unexpected, friend. He looked over to her, to see that Bones was stalking her with a baby carrot, carefully moving it across the table towards her. She was leaning away from Bones, almost all the way out of her seat. It almost looked like she was going to fall right out of it.

"Papa! Make it stop!" she yelled, leaning further and further away from Bones, towards Jim.

Bones caught his eyes, a small smile on face, as he suddenly jerked the carrot back and popped it in his mouth. Jim smiled, looking back at Jo. "Papa made it all better, Jo-bear. It's okay."

She looked up to him. "I's okay now?" The sounds of crunching caught her attention. She quickly looked up to Bones, watching him swallowing, before looked at the remaining carrots warily. She made a cry of fear before she scrambled from her seat and into Jim's lap. "They're gonna get me, daddy! Don't let them get me!"

He put his arms around her, holding her closely to his chest and sending Bones a look over her French-braided hair as if to say, 'see what you've started?' Bones shrugged but quickly tucked his carrots into his napkin while Jo turned her face into Jim's chest. He twisted the napkin up and placed in on the far side away from his plate.

Jim bounced Joanna lightly. "Hey, don't worry. Papa got rid of the carrots. They're not going to get you."

He wondered how long it would be before she ate carrots again without having to sit in his lap. He kissed the crown of her head then hoisted her over back into her abandoned chair. She looked over at the plate again, and then at the napkin beside it, probably knowing that the carrots were wrapped inside. However, her logic dictated that if she could not see them, then obviously she was safe from them. She picked up one of her chicken bites and put it in her mouth, chewing happily with a smile.

She still wet her pull-ups, but it was on and off now, like a fifty-percent chance. Jim counted it as a win. She went to bed a little easier, staying up far later than she should, but he got her down at eleven instead of midnight on Wednesday and Thursday. She also had begun asking for their assistance in her games a little more, which was much better. Jim had missed being part of her fantasies, even if he was only substituting for an imaginary person.

When her attention was on her food again, Jim returned his attention to Bones again. Before his musing, and Jo's little terror, they had been talking about their classes, and Bones had been bitching about how it was like he was in college again. He didn't like that so many of his classmates seemed so uncaring about the material they were learning, more interested in parties and gossip. He also wasn't too keen on the fact that he was now the 'old man.' It had prompted some interesting questions, such as:

"What were you like in college? You went to Mississippi University, right? That's high class stuff from what I've heard," Jim said, leaning back in his chair.

Bones rolled his eyes. "Picture me now…only younger," he said.

"Oh, come on!" Jim said was a smile begging onto his face. "You can't tell me that you didn't party."

The doctor just nodded. "I went to a few parties, but I was usually the guy holding heads over the toilet bowl, or making sure the idiot in the tub didn't drown while he sobered up as quickly as possible so that he wasn't caught by his RA when he went back to his dorm. I did not set out to get hammered."

Jim's smile faded. He sized up his friend, wondering if he had ever just cut loose…well, aside from New Orleans. "So, what were you like as a kid?"

Bones seemed to be in deep thought for a moment or two, before he shook his head with a put-upon sigh. "I don't know. It was too long ago."

"You aren't_ that_ old," Jim said with a snort.

"Papa's old," Joanna spoke up around her chicken bite. She was nodding very seriously, looking at Bones with a sad look in her eye, like that was quite possibly the most depressing thing she had ever realized.

He started laughing while Bones looked at her with a betrayed look on his face. "Thanks, baby," he said dryly. Joanna would understand sarcasm within the next two months if he kept this up. He shook his head, before turning his bemused look on Jim, who still sat in his seat chuckling. Jim didn't even try to hush his laughter as Bones said dismally, "After that I don't think I should be forced to explain my childhood to anyone. Don't wanna be a burden to the young-uns."

Jim's laughter increased in volume, and just because he was laughing, Joanna started giggling too. Some of the other patrons were looking at them curiously, but none of them could be forced to care. Bones was even smiling a little.

He was glad that they were back to this point. While it wasn't perfect, and there were still more than their fair share of awkward moments, it was much more comfortable than where they had been last weekend. They could hang out just like this; Bones having been pacified about where their relationship stood made it easier to just chat. He liked this, and he thought that he could continue to.

+ststst+

Maggie Jay called him around Wednesday, just after he and Bones had picked Joanna up. They were both laughing at something Joanna had said, and Jim would admit that he had been staring at the way Bones' laugh lines enhanced his features. Then all of a sudden, his computer was flashing the alert that he had an incoming call. He knew without looking at the screen that it would display the name 'Maggie McCurdy.'

Bones' laughter died out as his did, and he stared at the screen with interest before his eyes landed on Jim, expectantly waiting for him to answer the call. The truth of the matter though was he wasn't sure he wanted to answer the call. He had told himself that he would answer if she was the one who called him, but he was still just a little pissed for sending Bones those pictures and basically meddling in his life. He also didn't want to have this conversation in front of Bones.

For a moment, the three of them stood in an awkward silence only broken by the pinging coming from the computer.

"You gonna answer that?" Bones asked, his look morphing into something that almost qualified as amused. Why he would be getting enjoyment out of the fact that Jim was not answering the call, Jim didn't quite understand, but it was better than getting angry about it, like a few of Jim's flings had when he refused to answer his calls in front of them.

Jim sighed. "I'm really not sure I want to," he said honestly. He looked back at the screen, getting irritated by the pinging. Of all the times she chose to call, it would be now.

After a moment of just staring at the call screen, Bones brushed passed him, saying resolutely, "I'll answer it."

"What?" Jim cried, reaching out at grabbing at Bones' arm. "No!"

He planted his feet, slowing Bones in his path to the computer, but not stopping him completely. They were both pretty evenly matched in height and muscle, Bones being just a touch broader at the shoulders. They both kind of struggled in a ridiculous cha-cha, two steps forward, and two steps back.

Jim really didn't want Bones to answer. He was unsure of how that entire meeting would go down, and more importantly he was terrified of what Maggie Jay would say. He loved the woman dearly, but she knew him better than anyone else, and, if in the right mood, would divulge it all with a treacherously happy smile on her face. Throw in the fact that this was Bones, and she was obviously making plans to get them back together, seeing the doctor could be a disaster waiting to happen.

And of course, there was the fact that he just didn't want to talk to her right now.

Bones was wearing a small smile, though, and his brow was pulling towards his hairline. He was determined to talk to her, and Jim suspected he may have been enjoying the struggle just a little. He gave a sharp tug combined with a step back, and Jim was pulled into him. Chest to chest, Jim grabbed Bones' wrists, trying to keep them from reaching the button even as they spun around in circles.

Jo's delighted squeals and the incessant beeping of the call line were loud, but he was able to hear Bones easily, hear the way he slipped back into that southern accent like he knew it was Jim's weakness. "I wanna thank her for sending me the pictures," he placated.

Jim still pinned between Bones and the computer console, told him "Call her from your place", keeping a firm grip on Bones' wrists.

Bones actually gave a short burst of laughter, moving his hands around in ways that could not be normal for a human being. He turned his hands around and grabbed onto Jim's wrists, using his grip on Jim to try wiggling out of his bind. "I don't have her number."

"I'll give it to you," he compromised, quickly losing his grasp on Bones. Man, that fucker was good.

The line was still blaring just behind Jim. Maggie Jay was a persistent woman; that was for sure. Bones freed his hands finally, and just as he went for to accept Jim grabbed him by his biceps, holding him just far enough away from the button.

Bones sighed, but his small grin was still there. "What if she doesn't answer 'cos it's a strange number?" he asked, looking at Jim with expectant hazel-green eyes.

"I'll tell her you're calling," he said with a nod. He realized for the first time that he wore a smile as well. His adrenaline was pumping through his system, and he was enjoying the proximity of their bodies, the sheer fun they were having with this struggle. Jo still laughed in the background, over the sounds of their struggling and the incoming call. He glanced at her to see her standing where they had left her, Sellit held closely to her chest, as if to contain her excitement.

Bones tested his grip while he was distracted, leaning his upper body into his effort. "You've have to accept her phone conversation to do that."

The doctor shifted, letting Jim readjust as well, and oh, God! That was a bad idea! Their bodies realigned and Jim thought that explosions were set off behind his eyes.

"Bones!" Jim moaned, and it sounded painful even to his ears. Bones took what was probably the smallest step known to the universe, removing his hips from Jim's. When their eyes met, Jim knew the excitement in Bones' eyes was mirrored in his. They were still standing relatively close, maybe two inches between them. Jim released Bones' arms and rested on his hands on the console behind him, leaning back on them.

They stood there for a moment in total silence. Jim had almost thought that Maggie Jay had given up. Jo still held her toy sehlat close to her chest but she had dipped her chin to rest on its teddy-bear like head. She stared up at them through her long, dark lashes, expecting them to jump back into play. Jim looked back to Bones, who regarded him in carefully, probably trying to anticipate whether or not Jim would react the way he had a week and a half ago.

Jim however just smiled triumphantly. He had stopped the dreaded meeting between Maggie and Bones. He would be spared until a later date, and he didn't even have to talk to her today. The air still felt light around them, just super-charged. They could get around that, though. Jim blamed it on the moment, on the enjoyment they had taken from horsing around.

His smile vanished, though, when the computer started pinging again. She was relentless! Jim's hand covered the accept button, trying to keep Bones from reaching it. "Thank her later," he told the doctor

"Why? Ya'll be having a fight or something?" he asked, his brow rising again.

Jim shrugged. "Undeclared."

"What over?"

"Unimportant."

"Fine," Bones said with a sigh, backing away from Jim. Jim hesitated for a moment, before he too moved away from the console. And that was probably the dumbest move ever! Bones moved fast, and accepted the call, saying, "Just want to say thank you."

Maggie Jay's face appeared on the screen, her sharp green eyes, automatically flying to Bones as she heard his voice. A little confused, and conveying that in her normal, brisk way, she said elegantly, not at all, "You're welcome. Now, who're you?"

"Miss 'Curdy!" Jo hollered when she heard Maggie's voice, she ran over to the screen, and the woman on the other side was momentarily preoccupied.

Bones looked over at Jim with a vaguely apologetic look. "Sorry."

Jim shook his head. He really wanted to be angry, and part of him was really irritated, but it was done now. He would try to take this with some grace.

He returned his attention to their daughter just as she yelled, "I caught a frog t'day!"

Maggie Jay's thin eyebrows shot to her hairline in an exaggerated show of shock. "Oh…do you still have it?" she asked, maybe just a little worried.

Jo shook her head wildly, her lopsided pigtails whipping wildly. "Uh uh. Mister 'Xander told me let it go."

"Its better that way, sweetheart," she placated. She grinned at the little girl, asking, "Let me talk to daddy?"

"Sure!" Jo said easily, taking her and Sellit away from the computer to play with her mostly dilapidated boxes. Jim would be throwing those out soon. Just to make sure she kept her attention occupied, he turned on the holoscreen, cartoons immediately springing forth before her vision.

"So…" Maggie Jay drew out the word, looking between them as Jim returned to her field of vision. "What kind of present did you bring me, Jim, and does he have anything to do with the fact you have neglected me for the last week and a half?"

Jim smiled at her thinly, "Ah, Maggie Jay, I wasn't neglecting you. I was ignoring you. And this…" He turned to the doctor standing silently behind him, "is Bones."

Her eyes lit up dangerously, and an evil smile lit up her face. He dreaded the idea of her ever meeting Pike and Archer. The universe would implode from sheer maniacal devastation. "Bones?" she said. "_The_ Bones?"

Jim felt a sense of déjà vu.

"Leonard McCoy." Bones reintroduced, his southern charm on full. "Pleasure to make your acquaintance, and thank you for the pictures."

"Oh, you're more than welcome for the pictures," she purred, glancing at Jim with a look that promised she would not be apologizing for the fact that she sent the pictures and he could get over than right now. Then, still staring at Jim, she said, "And you and I, doctor, are going to be more than acquaintances."

Yep, it was a good thing she was in Iowa. Otherwise, he might have been moved to murder.

He glared at her with all the petulance he had learned from his daughter, but remained silent. Her smile turned fond, before it disappeared altogether. She looked back to Bones, who had been looking back and forth between them curiously. "So, tell me about yourself," she demanded. "Jim was incredibly vague when it came to the details."

Briefly he wondered if she had done this with all the people she had set him up on blind dates with, but he didn't want to know. He tuned in to Bones, listening as he gave Jim's friend everything she wanted to know from him. Thankfully Maggie Jay kept it mostly clean and inane…at least for this vid conference.

+ststst+

Bones didn't have actual classes on Fridays. He worked a shift at the Academy's medical center, helping the other doctors teach the interns the basics of human surgery. As he advanced though this track, he would start interning every other night to learn more about xenosurgery. However, that probably wouldn't begin until their second year. Pike didn't want to overload him.

Such a sweet man.

Because of this shift at the medical center, Bones had sent Jim a message around lunch, while he had been chatting amicably with Uhura about the languages she knew and how they were related, saying that he would be staying late because everyone he worked with was an idiot! Bones' words not his.

He laughed out loud at that, picturing Bones' face as he glared at the padd. Uhura looked over, reading the message from her seat. Her brows crinkled and she looked up at Jim with curiosity. "I didn't think someone could have a job for less than a month and already hate_ everyone_ there."

Jim smirked. "You don't know the sheer awesomeness that is Bones' irritation. You are a young padawan in comparison to him."

She leveled herself back into her seat with, and he would never admit this to her, a huff. "I'm not sure what to be more insulted about. The fact that I have been equated to an outdated movie, or the fact that you think I'm irritated."

Jim smiled. "Aren't you? Irritated, that is. You only smile when it's at my emotional expense."

Uhura glared at him. "I smile a lot, thank you. Just because you're not funny…"

Jim interrupted her. "See? My emotional expense."

It was almost against her will, but there was a turn at the corner of her lips. Jim's grin expanded. He grabbed a few apple slices off his plate and leaned back in his seat.

"So, what are you doing after classes?" he asked, curiously.

She shrugged, moving the remnants of her food around on her own plate. Her almost-smile faded. "I don't know. My roommate is going out for some study group. Might just stay in the dorm and enjoy the silence."

She didn't sound thrilled about that. He could tell that she wouldn't enjoy the silence, probably because it was too silent when her roommate was there. He had met her roommate a few times. An austere looking woman called Elyria, who honestly made Klingons look cuddly. It was obvious that there was some contention between the two of them. Uhura for all of her privacy and tight-lipped demeanor didn't like complete strangers. She would have liked to have someone who cared at least a little.

His heart went out to her. He had lived a lot of his life the way she had. Nineteen long years of being alone even when he had people around him made it easy to see when others were feeling just as lonely as he was. It had to be even harder for Uhura, who had lived all of her life with friends and family. She was used to having love and affection. He couldn't, in good conscience, leave her alone for the night. He had to at least offer.

"Oh…we can't have that," he said with a generous smile. "Wanna come pick up Jo with me? Usually go with Bones, but as his associates are idiots apparently…"

He was happy when she smiled, giving him a slight nod. "Yeah, that'd be nice. Joanna is such a cute little girl." She gave her food one final stab before she pushed it away; leveling him with that same look she had given him in Shipyard Bar when she had called him a 'hick.' "It's kind of a miracle considering who her father is."

He laughed. "You are a worse blow to my ego than Bones is!"

+ststst+

By the time Bones entered Jim's apartment at nine that night, Uhura was sitting on the couch teaching Jo how to say different words in archaic Romulan dialect, which was smoother than the two modern ones and only used by the aristocrats. Jim had finally broken her of her need to talk with a baby-voice about two hours ago, after several 'you realize she will one day grow up to be like us' moments.

Uhura had also French-braided Jo's curls, and decided that being called 'U-hor-a' sounded way too close to 'whore' and that for now, Jo could just call her 'Aiya' which was apparently 'star' in Vulcan. He gleaned that it did have something to do with her name, but she wasn't any more forthcoming than that.

When Bones stepped in, Jim was at the computer console reading up for one of his classes. Jo was settled in Uhura's lap, and they were watching cartoons together. More to the point Jo was watching cartoons and babbling incessantly, while Uhura was undoubtedly wondering why Jim would ever let her watch such shows. She had the beginnings of an eye-twitch last time Jim had looked back at them.

"What's going on here?" Bones asked as he entered the living room. He put down his medical kit by the door, next to Jo's book bag, looking around curiously.

"Just hanging out," Jim said distractedly, paging over to continue his search for something relevant to his class.

Uhura looked up, as if broken from a trance as Jo yelled, "Papa!" She hopped off the couch and ran towards Bones. The doctor crouched down and picked her up as she collided into his chest, wrapping her little arms around his neck.

"Hey, princess," he said with a grunt as he stood upright. His eyes landed on Uhura, who smiled up at Bones graciously.

"Hi," she said, standing from the couch and gliding over with her hand outstretched. "I'm Uhura. I'm a friend of Kirk's."

Jo tapped Bones' shoulder, saying when she had his attention, "She's my Aiya."

"Really?" he said with a smile. He took Uhura's hand, giving a firm shake. "Nice to meet you, ma'am. Leonard McCoy."

Jim finally had enough of his researching. He closed down the link to his computer, standing with a tall stretch. "Did you eat?" he asked as he rubbed his eyes.

"Yeah, got something on my break," Bones said, ushering Uhura back into the living room and onto the couch. He tossed Jo on after her and she gave a shriek of joy.

"Fly again?" she asked, standing on the couch. Bones smiled and did as she asked, chucking her onto the couch.

After the fourth time, Bones smiled ruefully. "No more flying, baby. Papa's tired."

Jo made a noise of protest, looking to be starting one of her whining moments, as she was prone to do when she started getting tired. Jim cut her off, quickly. He didn't want her to start that when Uhura was over. Maybe after a few more visits, but for now, Uhura was having a good time and he didn't want Jo to start crying. "Jo, don't do that."

She quieted instantly at his tone, but hopped off the couch to play with the few toys she had brought into the living room for Uhura to observe. Jim took his seat closer to the couch where Bones was settling himself an entire cushion away from Jim's friend.

"So what did the idiots do to make you stay so late?" he asked.

Bones groaned. "I don't even want to think about it," he said with a sigh. "I can't believe that half of these people are in Medical Track. They know nothing." He looked over to Uhura, his brows scrunching. "What track are you in?"

She looked shocked that she had been addressed, but recovered quickly. "I'm in Operations. I'm going in for linguistics."

"That sounds interesting. How do you know Jim?"

Jim met Uhura's gaze for a brief moment before she was off. She told Bones exactly how she and Jim had met, in excruciating detail that had Bones glancing at him disbelievingly every so often. Jim said nothing, just closing his eyes tightly when she confirmed that, yes; he did in fact grab her breasts. Uhura was laughing at the memory, which sort of shocked Jim considering he had been positive that she would hate him for it after the fact. Bones even looked amused, if a little concerned for Jim.

"And you just randomly came over to Jim's apartment after that spectacular meeting?" Bones asked skeptically.

Jim interrupted before she could ruin his image anymore. "We have a class together, and she actually came up to me on the shuttle."

Bones made an understanding face, even though Jim was sure he was still just as worried for both of their sanity. Jim smiled at him from his place in the computer chair, going for calming and probably failing.

Uhura stayed for another hour and a half, chatting with Bones and Jim, while Jo mostly watched her show or randomly started handing all of her toys to one of the adults. It was pretty comfortable, and it was really a nice change of pace to the way the last two weeks had gone. It was fine and he thought if it always went like this it would be okay.

He knew it wouldn't. Just because he was fine with the way he and Bones were now didn't mean he always would be. He knew he would have bad days, but as long as they were outnumbered by good days, it was going to be fine. He held tightly to that belief. He really had no other choice.

After Uhura left, Bones stayed until Jo was put down for bed, which was mostly easy. She kept saying she wasn't tired as she tried crawling out from under the covers. It took Jim reading to her before she finally succumbed to sleep. When that was done and the lights were out, he and Bones chatted amicably for a while, before the doctor left as well, leaving Jim in his quiet suite, which seemed devoid of life with the adults gone and his daughter in bed.

+ststst+

(i like to move it, move it)

_InnocentGuilt_


	9. Chapter 9

Jim woke up Sunday a couple weeks later at three in the morning reaching lazily for a hand that wasn't there. Coming in contact with his own t-shirt, he groggily opened his eyes, looking for the source of what had woken him. He hadn't been dreaming, at least not any of the usual dreams that ended with him waking up. It had been nice, still about Bones, but more feelings than images, more comfort than passion. Those weren't the type of dreams that woke him up.

He blinked into the night, trying to become accustomed to the darkness that surrounded him. Slowly the small outline of Joanna came into view and from the moonlight that slipped from the curtains on his windows he could see two luminous eyes peering at him unblinkingly. Some part of him registered that that was really creepy, but most of him, the dad-part of him, sat up slowly.

"What's wrong, Jo-bear?" he asked, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

She dipped her head shyly, speaking in little more than a mumbled whisper, "Sellit had a nightmare."

His lips quirked up at that. Whenever she had nightmares it was always Sellit who she blamed it on. It was one of the cuter things that she had always done. He pulled her, with the toy sehlat in her arms, on the bed next to him, asking, "Really? What did Sellit have a nightmare about?"

"The dinosaurs were chasing me." She looked up at him with bright, frightened eyes, a silent question lingering in her blue irises.

Jim rubbed his thumb across her soft cheek, unsurprised when it was wet, but still sympathetic towards the irregular plights that could take over his little girl's dreams. "Wanna sleep in my room tonight, Jo?" he asked.

She nodded rapidly, scrambling further away from the edge to settle into the pillow that Jim had just been using. She put Sellit under the blanket beside her, and then looked back to Jim, expectantly. He lay back down next to her, waiting as she quickly unsettled all the work she had done earlier to get the pillow perfect, so that she could snuggle into his t-shirt.

"Comfy?" he asked, letting his eyes slip shut.

She nodded rapidly, and for a few moments they were silent. Jim thought Jo was drifting off into sleep, and he wasn't far behind her. His breathing was evening out, and with his daughter's weight resting on him, he knew it would be deep sleep. However, Joanna spoke again, still just as quietly as earlier. "Daddy?"

"Hmm…?"

"Why doesn't papa stay the night with us too?"

His eyes snapped open immediately, and he looked down at her head, wild from when she had gone to bed with it wet. He tried to think about a good answer for her, one she would understand and that wouldn't upset her. He couldn't think of anything, though. Everything seemed too complicated to get into right now, so he just wrapped his arm around her shoulders and told her, "Ask me tomorrow, Jo-bear. Its sleep time for little pirates."

Within the next ten minutes Joanna was sleeping comfortably, but Jim only stared up at the ceiling. He knew it was his decision, but over the past few weeks it had become very apparent that he was just torturing himself. Just being friends with Bones was quite possibly the most painful thing he had ever experienced. He thought maybe he could do it, that Bones would somehow begin to lessen his visible attraction towards him.

The last two weeks had been … wonderful. Bones had been perfect, even when Joanna had thrown the biggest fit known to man about not being able to see her show one night a week ago. He had been a little freaked out at first; having never experienced the full-blown fit-throwing rage of a toddler, but after Jim had showed him how to handle her and what not to do, he had been fine. Jim should probably thank whatever lucky stars were out there that they had the same views on discipline or it could have been a little tenser.

More importantly, Bones' attraction hadn't lessened, at all, which was putting a real wrench in Jim's plan. Bones wasn't going to be settling for friendship alone in two and a half months. In fact, he was making it pretty obvious he was only just making it through Jim's waiting period.

Jim snapped his eyes shut. It was way too early to be thinking about this shit.

+ststst+

Jim was in the middle of Archer's class, doodling ships on a blank padd screen. Archer was going on about some equation that Jim had memorized when he was seventeen. Most of the students seemed a little lost, though. They all stared at Archer with scrunched up faces of confusion, their mouths hanging open and their styluses scribbling furiously away at their padds, making side-notes and corrections to the text they had downloaded.

Jim noticed that his cakette was doing well enough, only pulling faces every now and then, but mostly seeming to comprehend what Archer was babbling about. Jim was kind of proud of that for some reason. Gave the brainless, macho man stereotype a bit more depth and fleshing out. He almost felt the need to actually learn his name instead of calling him 'cakette,' but thus far it was only a passing fancy.

He startled a little when something rubbed against his leg, rolling his eyes when he saw Porthos sniffing around. The dog was really smart, but each time class was held was like a new experience for Porthos. He would jump off of his pillow and start sniffing the large floor before the tiered seating structure, and sometimes even wander up the seating structure to the girl who always brought breakfast with her to class. He mostly did that part so she would give him food, because apparently she was a sucker for the puppy eyes.

He reached down and rubbed the long, floppy ears for a second, enjoying the softness between his finger tips, but Porthos grew bored quickly. He wandered over to his master, who walked around like he was performing on stage. Archer ignored him mostly, save for stepping over and around him, while the canine trailed in his wake.

When it became apparent that he was being ignored in favor of giving the lecture, Porthos barked. A few of the students who had been scribbling on their padds furiously jumped at the noise that reverberated around the auditorium. Archer just looked down at the dog, reaching down to pat his head, before returning his attention to the class.

"Make sure you get that in your notes, too," he said. "There will be extensive essays over his additions in the next test." It wouldn't have surprised Jim if Archer actually managed to fit that into his test. The man was insane. "And…"

He paused again as his own padd trilled on the desk, alerting him that he had a message. Archer rolled his eyes and ambled over to the device, reading the message with what Jim swore was a 'Jesus, Chris.' He gave a longsuffering sigh, turning to Jim with a mild glare; as he often did when interrupted in class. For a man who had claimed he was keeping Jim, he often seemed very unimpressed that the cadet was there. "Kirk, go see Captain Pike."

"What?" Jim asked, wondering what the hell Pike would want with him when he knew he was in the middle of class.

"See Pike! Get out of here. Put your seat in the corner. Meander your way to Captain Dictator's office…" He stopped, looking thoughtful for a moment, before Porthos barked again. He frowned down at his precious beagle before demanding, "And take Porthos with you."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Jim Kirk, dog-walker at your service" he griped as he moved his chair, the one with his name under it, into the corner where it rested when he wasn't in the auditorium. Then he went over to Archer's desk, pulling out a drawer, which held all sorts of random and irrelevant goodies, including Porthos' leash. "Come on, your highness. Let's go see the captain."

Archer smiled at him, patting Porthos' back as he walked by.

The walked took twice as long as it normally would have, due to the fact that Porthos sniffed every tree within his sight and urinated on at least half of those. By the time he got to the heavy wood door, Jim swore he was going to hack into Archer's computer and fuck with his presentation for payback. He felt the need to use a Bones-ism and rant about how he was a TA, not a damn doggy-sitter. He knocked twice.

He was more than a little surprised when the door was yanked open and a Pike-hand grabbed him by the front of his reds, yanking him in. He almost thought that he was about to be black-bagged, but then he heard a scratchy but exuberant, "Daddy!"

He froze and looked down at Joanna who was walking towards him looking all sorts of pathetic. When she was at his side she thrust her hands up into the air demandingly, completely ignoring Porthos, a strange occurrence indeed. He picked her up immediately before he looked at Pike who was scrutinizing him something fierce. "What is she doing here?" he asked the captain.

"I was going to ask you that as well," Pike said, his gaze demanding. "I got a call from Sandcastles saying that Joanna Kirk was sick and that neither of her parents could be reached."

Jim pulled Joanna away from the shoulder she had snuggled into, checking her for the fever that warmed her forehead and cheeks. She hadn't had that this morning, he didn't think, but he hadn't expressly checked. She had seemed fine, acting her normal cheerful self. When he heard that Pike had received the call, he paused. "What?" he asked, reaching for his communicator, before he realized that it had died on the way to Relativistic Physics. He also remembered that he had forgotten to tell Pike he would be called if both he and Bones were out of communication. "Oh! Yeah, about that…I put you on the contact list."

"Really?" he asked sarcastically. "I hadn't figured that out yet."

"I meant to tell you when I did it. But I think that was the day we started…"

Pike raised his hand to stop the cadet. "Jim, I don't wanna hear it. What's done is done, but I'm a little old-fashioned. I need warning about the fact that I may end up watching a toddler. Asking would have been nice too, but I'm beginning to understand that you don't really ask for much, so I'll take what I can get."

He didn't sound angry so much as frustrated, which was completely understandable. Jim really should have remembered to tell him.

Shaking his head, he told Pike seriously, "I'm sorry. I'll take her home now."

Pike's attention sharpened on him. "Don't do that," he demanded. "You have classes."

He was confused. Pike had called him out to yell at him, and then send him back to class? Well, actually, now that he thought about it that was a very Pike thing to do. Jim sighed, "Look, I'll return Muttley here, and then take her back. It's no big deal."

Pike looked down at Porthos, obviously having only just realized that Jim was playing slave to a canine. He rolled his eyes. "Jon is such an ass," he said, but apologized when Joanna turned her head to look at him curiously. Pike shook his head. "I called you out to ask if there was anything I needed to know about the sick-y. Do you have medicine for her, or should I go get some from one of the admirals? When does she eat? Does she have a set nap time?"

Jim's brows flew up at Pike asked these questions. "You're going to watch her?" he asked incredulously. He looked down at Jo and then back to him, apprehension clear on his face.

He shrugged. "I got nothing better to do, and she's a charming young lady."

"Have you ever watched kids before?"

"My sister's. Don't worry. I'm not gonna feed her to a lion." The smile on his face was calming, and Jim slowly nodded and began answering the questions he had been asked earlier. By the time he was done, and Pike was holding his arms out, Joanna was mostly asleep on his shoulder, and Porthos had wound the leash around his legs two times.

Jim jostled his daughter a little, pulling her to semi-consciousness. "Jo, you're gonna spend the day with Captain Pike, okay?"

She nodded groggily. "Okay, daddy."

He nodded at her with a small smile before handing her over to Pike. He cradled her in his arms and took her over to the small couch that was against the wall beside his desk. Jim watched as he put one of the couch pillows under her head. When she was asleep again, and Jim had unraveled the leash from his legs, he asked, "Did you call for Bones?"

"Yeah, but they're apparently having a test."

"I'll tell him when he gets out," he offered. "Come on, Snoopy. Let's get you back to your actual slave."

He heard Pike chuckling as he led Porthos out of the office.

+ststst+

He was waiting outside Bones' classroom when he got out. While he was waiting, he spoke to a pretty, young blonde who was balancing both exploratory science and medical science tracks. Apparently the test had been pretty simple but tedious. Christine, as he learned her name, worked with Bones at the medical unit on Fridays, and though his bedside manner needed some work, she liked him well enough.

She left to go to her next class, an exploratory lecture class about the connection between viruses across the known universe. It sounded fascinating, if absolutely disgusting. As she was walking away, Bones exited the class, turning his communicator on. He paused when he caught sight of Jim leaning against the wall outside.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" he asked as he walked up to him. He shut the communicator and put it in his pocket, without checking it for messages. "Thought you were TA-ing with Archer."

Jim shook his head. "Jo's sick. Thought I'd come tell you before your next class."

Bones' expression morphed to concern. "She's sick? Where is she?"

He looked around as if expecting her to come out of the woodwork. Jim felt a smirk taking his lips. "Pike's watching her so we don't have to miss classes."

His attention snapped back to Jim, eyes narrowing, and he asked incredulously, "She's with_ Pike?_"

Ah, the animosity for the captain had not waned. Good to know, however, it was sorely inconvenient at this moment in time.

"Don't worry. He promised he wouldn't feed her to the lions," he said lightly, trying not to further the irritation Pike seemed to command with Bones. It didn't work; not in the slightest. If anything, a scowl darkened Bones' features. Jim sighed. "What is your problem with him?"

"I don't have a problem," Bones denied gruffly.

Jim gave a humorless snort. "Bullshit. If you didn't have a problem, you wouldn't be protesting so much. Pike offered so we wouldn't have to miss classes. I thought you'd be happy about that."

Bones cast a glance around, aware of all the cadets that were milling around. A few threw them curious glances, because according to Uhura he and Bones were number three in the gossip ratings, right after the new Russian genius and the highly questionable substance being tested in Science Lab Eight. Mostly, the fellow cadets left them alone, too busy trying to get from point A to point B to really notice them. Bones sighed, though, as if they were the center of the hallway attention and told him, "I don't want to talk about this right here."

"Okay, you wanna go out on the quad?" Jim asked, only feeling a little smug that he could use that on Bones the way the doctor had on him in the mess hall. Bones glared at him, obviously not so impressed with that little turn around. Jim gave him a cocky smirk, deciding to drop the Pike-thing for now. He reached out, without thought, and rubbed Bones' arm, saying, "I'll see you at lunch."

+ststst+

At the day's end, he lounged next to Uhura in Intergalactic Ethics, not really paying attention to the professor, instead choosing to consider the day. He had kept his padd on all day, sending random messages to Pike to ask about Jo. Mostly she seemed to be okay, she spent her time between sleeping and 'pestering' the captain, according the messages he had received. She still had a fever, according to the last message Pike had sent, but she had been having an imaginary conversation to the 'stuffed seal with legs.'

Jim had already made an appointment with her new pediatrician for the following morning.

Jim had forwarded most of the messages to Bones, who after their half-way argument that morning had been fine to ignore most things that had to do with Pike. Jim would really pay to know what made Bones so pissy about Pike, but until it became a real problem he would leave it alone. Some people just rubbed others the wrong way.

Still, it irked.

From beside him, Uhura hissed, "You're pouting."

He jerked back to himself in order to favor her with an irritated glare. He didn't know why she had suddenly decided to comment. Usually she was silent throughout Intergalactic Ethics, even though she was clearly just as bored as Jim was. She wasn't even looking at him! "I'm not pouting!" he whispered back, intent on keeping the instructor unaware of this small conversation.

She passed him a glance, giving a small but derisive snort. "Please. If your lower lip stuck out any further, birds would perch on it."

"I'm concentrating," he said, intent on returning to his padd where he had closed down the message from Pike, pulling up Starfleet Protocols and Regulations, and more importantly ignoring the woman next to him.

Uhura was apparently very comfortable with the politics and workings of the Vulcan government, because she continued on with the conversation, despite the fact that in normal circumstances she would have just rolled her eyes and left him alone. "You have never concentrated in Intergalactic Ethics."

"I'm not thinking about Intergalactic Ethics," he told her, holding his padd up to show her his current studies. She glanced at it, read a few lines then nodded, pacified.

They were silent for a few moments, Uhura mostly paying attention to their instructor, and Jim not even pretending to pay attention. He had slumped further into his seat next to her, practically sprawled out and about three inches from kicking the Tellarite in the tier in front of him. He was careful not to actually make contact with him, though. He had made that mistake once about the second week into the semester, and though Glaf made an effort not to bring it up, the Tellarite had demanded a public apology for an hour after it had happened. God bless Uhura for coming up with a suitable 'treaty' between the two of them.

Speaking of her…

"Will you suck your lip in?" she demanded more than asked. "You're worse than Joanna."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Out of all of my 'irritating' traits, that's the one you focus on?"

"It makes you look pathetic."

"Does the wounded puppy look turn you on or something?" he asked her with a teasing leer.

She was unimpressed. "You're not cute," she told him with a tempered glare.

"I am_ hot_."

A disbelieving snort escaped her almost without consent. She turned away from him with a small shake of her head, asking, "Why does Len put up with you?"

It was uncanny how the people of his life always knew the precise question to ask him about Bones, the ones that would set off his internal monologue which he had effectively been ignoring for a week or so.

He smiled thinly at her, tapping the page over button on his padd idly. "That, my dear nameless Uhura, is the subject of great debate."

She looked at him curiously, her head tilting to the side as if she had been given a particularly perplexing Klingon word to decipher and told to link it to a Romulan word of similar meaning. With a wave of his hand, he brushed her off, returning to his reading. She didn't need to bother herself with him or his internal musings. She was a great friend, but he had enough people to 'share' in his quandary with Bones. He liked Uhura just as she was. She dealt with how he acted, not who he was, and he liked it that way.

+ststst+

Jim and Bones met after Intergalactic Ethics let out and together they made their way over to Pike's office. They were silent, but it wasn't horrifically uncomfortable. Bones was obviously still not thrilled about the fact that their daughter had stayed with Pike, but he kept most of his bitching to himself.

Jim stole a few glances at the doctor on the way over, his mind swirling with Uhura's question. She had meant it in jest, probably with an undercurrent of sincerity, but seeing as she put up with him too, he couldn't be _that_ much of a nuisance. Bones, however, well, he wasn't just putting up with Jim. He was waiting, patiently and obviously, with unwavering feelings.

It was nice, if totally irritating.

It was nice because well…hell, who didn't want to be cared about like that. Jim could be alone, did well alone, actually. In Iowa, he had spent most of his time alone, and when Maggie Jay and Joanna had come along it had soothed a lot of the loneliness, but it didn't cure it all. They made him content, and Joanna sparkled in his life the way no one ever could. She was the light of his life, but it wasn't quite the same.

And whereas he had been fine to live the single-parent life in Iowa, and maybe just a little desperate not to make the same mistakes his mother had, Bones being here made him want to reconsider, which sucked.

He didn't want to reconsider, because it would only end up backfiring in the most glorious way ever! He didn't like to be Johnny Raincloud or anything, but he and Bones…there were just too many variables. Too many things to doubt about each other and what they felt. Jim could name a hundred things just off the top of his head that made him doubt if Bones wanted him for him, or if he wanted him for Joanna. Not to mention what Bones' problems could be. The man had only been divorced for a little over a month. He had only found out about their daughter…

Jim just didn't want to deal with it. Not really, and he could only hope that with the next two months, he would find a solution to this problem.

As it was, for the moment as they closed in on Pike's door, Jim was content to just put it on back burner again. He turned to Bones, putting his hand on the doctor's shoulder to bring him to a halt just a few paces away from the office.

"I'm not gonna have to muzzle you when we go in there, right?" he asked semi-seriously.

Bones looked shocked for a moment, before a scowl took over his face. "You haven't needed one yet, have you?"

Jim hated that he took that just a little dirtier than he should have. He quickly quashed those thoughts, instead giving Bones a warning look. This time when he reached the door, he opened without knocking, and thank God he did, because the sight that met him was_ priceless!_

Their daughter was sitting on the ground with her knees tucked up under her with Archer's dog six seconds from knocking her over. Her sehlat 'sat' next to her, and not only Pike, but Archer too, sat to complete the loose circle, each holding one hand palm-up in the air, while the other pretended to hold a teacup. It was awesome and Jim, quick as a flash, pulled out his padd to snap a quick picture of it before they realized what he was doing.

Blackmail…thy name is imaginary tea party.

"Kirk! Don't you knock?" Archer demanded as both he and Pike turned around to glare at the man now naming and saving the picture he had taken. Jim took great delight in the fact that neither of them attempted to get up from the ground.

Joanna snapped her head up, her blue eyes a little dilated from the medicine, but her smile was radiant as Bones herded Jim further into the increasingly cramped office. "Daddy! Papa!" she yelled with her voice still scratchy. She pulled herself out from under Porthos and galloped over to them, with the dog in tow. She paused for a moment, looking between them for a moment before she decided Jim would do for the moment. She lifted her hands into the air, demanding, "Daddy, up!"

He did as she ordered; making a mental note that when she wasn't sick they would have to start working on the new bossy-pants attitude.

Jim checked her temperature, noting that she was still a little warm, just not as warm as she'd been earlier. "How are you feeling, Jo-bear?"

"Okay. I played with the doggy. His name is Poor Thos." The name was audibly broken in two words for her to pronounce it properly. "Can we get a doggy?" she asked, her face serious and tilted at a downward angle so her eyes appeared even bigger.

"No, Jo, we aren't allowed to have puppies at home." It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the complete truth. He just would have to pay a pet fee and he really didn't want to deal with that.

For a moment, he thought that she might start whining, and possibly break out the waterworks. Her little lips pursed for a moment, and she stared at him, testing his mettle. When he had passed, she nodded solemnly. "Can we stay and play with Poor Thos, then?"

Jim didn't have a problem with it, but Bones' crankiness was practically attacking his back. He pretended to consider it, well aware of everyone's eyes on him, but just because he was feeling particularly obnoxious, and okay, maybe a little frustrated with Bones, he told her, "Ask papa, sweetheart."

Jim turned just in time to see Bones give him a 'gee, thanks' look before he put on his expectant look for Joanna's question.

"Papa, can I play with Poor Thos?" she asked him, her voice extra sweet as if she knew exactly how to get to the doctor.

Bones glanced at Jim with a promise of vengeance that only made Jim smile at him. Then, with a put-upon sigh, he said, "I guess."

Jo smiled and clapped excitedly then wiggled happily so Jim would put her down. Porthos hopped up on his hind legs, but never actually touched her or threatened to knock her over. Joanna put her hand on his snout and gently pushed all four of his legs to the ground with a firm, "Down."

Both Pike and Archer smiled at that, looking so proud of themselves. Jim could only imagine that they had taught her that reaction. Looking back at Bones as their daughter led the dog back to where she had been sitting before they entered, he nodded over to the empty seat that had been pushed against the wall to make more room for teatime.

"She wasn't too much trouble, I take it," Jim said as they gingerly stepped around the mess that had been made.

Pike shook his head. "No, the only trouble I had was with Jon. I can only handle one child at a time."

Archer glared.

The captain smiled at him innocently. "Jo was a little angel, though. We had a lot of fun today, didn't we?" he asked the little girl.

She nodded enthusiastically. Jim wasn't entirely sure she knew what she was agreeing to, she was so wrapped up in the beagle, but Pike smiled like she had just paid him the best compliment in the universe. When Jim glanced at Bones, it looked like he was three seconds away from spontaneous combustion. He sighed, reaching over while the older men were distracted by Joanna's adorableness. He tapped the doctor's arm, sending him a meaningful look when he had his attention.

Bones sighed, but lost the scowl, turning his attention towards their daughter as she patted the dog jerkily.

They spent about an hour in Pike's office, chatting. Well, Jim chatted with Pike, and Bones mostly spoke to Archer, seeming fine to ignore the captain unless he was spoken to first. Joanna, in the rare instances she grew bored with Porthos, meandered around the room, sitting in each man's lap for a time before she returned to either Sellit or the beagle. Jim thought Bones' face might turn inside out when Jo sat in Pike's lap, but he managed to keep his tongue behind his teeth.

Jim really had to work out why Bones didn't like Pike. It had to be something for him to keep making those faces.

It was a nice visit. Jim was still happy when they decided to head back to Bones' suite, though, and Bones seemed relieved as well. He lost all traces of his sour look and even offered to take Jo to the pediatrician the next morning. Jim thought about declining the offer, but in the end agreed. Bones would be taking her for the weekend soon. He should probably get accustomed to having their daughter alone.

Jim should also probably think of something to do with his suite to himself. He really wasn't used to being alone for so long any more.

He was going to go stir crazy.

+ststst+

A/N: I'm so pleased with this chapter. You have no idea, and I hope you're just as happy with it.

(pirouette)

InnocentGuilt


	10. Chapter 10

The cold that had taken Joanna was gone within the second day. Pike had watched her then too, much to Bones' dismay. By Friday, she was ready to go back to Sandcastles, hyper and happy. They would be going to Bones' suite after they picked her up, and Jim would be coming home alone. She seemed excited about the change of pace, though Jim was kind of dreading it. Jim and Bones had spent most of Thursday discussing the arrangements.

Bones had been concerned that she didn't have a bed at his place, but Jim had been quick to assure him that Jo would be happy to share a bed, or most likely would fall asleep on the couch. Both were comfortable enough for her, and Jim didn't think the doctor was some sort of terrible parent for having yet to purchase even one of those inflate-a-beds that his aunt and uncle had bought for him on Tarsus IV, which despite the initial hesitance had really been beyond comfortable. Bones hadn't had the finances for it yet. Between sending his ex-wife, the wench, half of his credits for alimony and paying for the basic necessities that came from just living, it was hard to get some of the more expensive things.

She would be staying with him from Friday night until Sunday night, and though Bones had made it clear that he was more than welcome to stay, lord knew he spent most of his free time with him anyway, Jim thought he would only visit for a few hours each day. That way Joanna would become accustomed to heeding Bones without looking at Jim first.

He was relaying this in basic details to Uhura when one of the cakettes, the one from Archer's Relativistic Physics class, wandered up to their table of two, looking a little apprehensive and a lot like he was swallowing a healthy amount of pride. Jim watched him curiously out of the corner of his eye, but as Uhura had her back to the man, she didn't notice his approach and continued telling Jim how he didn't have to worry about Joanna or Bones; they were both wonderful, after all. It wasn't until she took a pause to take a sip from her drink when the cakette…Harrigan, that was his name, cleared his throat.

Jim turned his full attention to the man, the one who had had him on the table in Shipyard Bar, trying to beat his nose even with the rest of his face. "Yes?" he asked pleasantly.

Uhura turned around; her gaze narrowing when she saw him there, and Harrigan had the good sense to look a little intimidated. He fidgeted for a moment, before straightening. "May I sit?" he asked.

Uhura looked a split second from denying him, but Jim spoke quickly. "Go for it, Harrigan. Lots of room."

She spun around to face him with a wild look in her eye, clearly conveying the warning that if he started a fight here, she would be the one flattening his face. Jim didn't doubt that he could move her to such violence.

The cakette took a seat a little stiffly, sitting board straight, and glancing between them. Jim gave him a simile of a smile before he returned his attention to Uhura. "You remember Harrigan? He was at the bar with us in Iowa."

Her lips pursed in response, as a steady unimpressed stare took over her face for a moment, before she forcefully relaxed. She turned to Harrigan, producing her hand just as stiffly as the cakette sat. When Harrigan took it hesitantly, she nodded. "Uhura. Pleasure to meet you_ again_."

Her tone told everyone at the table that 'again' had best mean 'better.' Jim smiled at her understandingly, while Harrigan jerked his head up and down once. "Please, Uhura, call me Henry."

"Henry!" Jim crowed, trying to dispel some of the tension, even though it was amusing to watch a hulking man be stared down by someone literally a third his size. He was just relatively sure the cakette had something on his mind and Jim didn't necessarily want to spend the rest of his lunch wave in this awkward power play…mainly because he already knew who the winner would be. "Henry! See, Uhura? He has a first name."

"Don't start with me, Kirk," she warned, her dark gaze narrowing on him irritably.

He shrugged. "Just saying…" She did not care what he was 'just saying.' That much was apparent in the way the intensity of her look magnified. He took a sip of his drink to give himself a brief moment of collection. When he set the glass down, he asked Harrigan, "So, what brings you to our humble corner of the world?"

The large man cleared his throat. "I, uh…" He took a deep breath. He looked around the room behind Jim, and just basically not_ at_ Jim, still trying to swallow that pride. "I was wondering if you were available for tutoring."

Of all the ways he had been expecting this conversation to go, that was not one of them.

He glanced at his friend beside him to see her confused face, but quickly he returned his attention to the man who looked like he was regretting his decision to come over and ask. Now, Jim wouldn't deny it, a little vengeance was always nice, but the man was working to bury the hatchet. How could he, in good conscience, deny him that? He shrugged, feigning nonchalance. "Sure thing. Anything in specific you need help with or…?"

Henry, yeah, that name sucked. Jim would have to find a new one soon. The only thing that kept him from outright making up names for Uhura was because A) he was pretty sure she would disembowel him, and though that did sound fun, he really liked his guts intact and B) Joanna already called her Aiya, and he kind of liked that. She would slip up eventually. He would find out. It was just a matter of when.

Anyway, Henry began describing some of the things he was sketchy on. Mostly it was minor things, a few theories that didn't have to do with the 'physics' part of Relativistic Physics. He was apparently pretty solid when it came to physics; the hard numbers that couldn't lead him astray were in his bloodstream, as Henry so poetically put it. Jim could help him out with it. Everything he needed help with was fairly simple once one wrapped the mind around the smaller things and built up from it.

They set up a vague time on Thursdays for Jim to meet him in the library, and then Henry was off, bolting away like he had just been freed from a Cardassian prison before the death sentence had been enacted. Jim kind of smiled at that, and Uhura even looked impressed with the way a man like Harrigan could bolt like lightning. She turned her attention to him with an amused quirk of her lips.

"For all of your annoying habits," she said kindly. "You're not half bad."

He smiled at her, having taken a real shine to that compliment. And coming from Uhura, it really was a compliment. It took his mind off of the nagging loneliness he already felt creeping up on him at the thought of having his suite to himself all night and most of the weekend. He knew he should probably take advantage of it, but the fact was he really wasn't sure what to do with it. He and Archer had split the first of the three essays in half, so Jim had one-hundred and twenty-five essays, each totaling five thousand words. It would kill a couple hours, but there was no way it would take up his entire weekend.

Maybe he'd just find a bar like he always did when Maggie Jay had stolen Jo away from him for a night. This was San Francisco, there had to be a few dozen he could choose from.

Uhura kicked him under the lunch table, popping a piece of chicken into her mouth innocently as she looked him over. "You're pouting."

He didn't even deny it.

+ststst+

Jim had Joanna all bundled up and ready to go by the time Bones finally escaped his shift, which had been steady increasing the number of hours Bones stayed. He had her quilt with the embroidered starships and planets hung over one arm, and her overnight bag stuffed absolutely full of anything she might need on that same shoulder. He knew he would be seeing her tomorrow, but it felt like he had to pack everything possible just to be safe.

Joanna waited patiently on her chair at the table, her little legs swinging back and forth in the air as she made her sehlat do a dance for her, while Jim did a double-check of the suite to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything. He had pull-ups, in case of emergency, though for the last week and a half she had done well, and he had switched her mostly to regular underwear. He had a nightgown and pajamas, because sometimes she was fickle. Bones already had a lot of the foods she liked, as well as the anti-tangles shampoo that she liked.

If there was anything else, it could wait until tomorrow.

"Come on, Jo-bear," he called out to her, reaching his hand for her to take. "Let's go see papa."

"Okay!" she said, hopping out of her seat with an audible 'thud.' "We'll go see papa!"

She ran up to him, her curls loose of the bun he put it in that morning and swirling wildly around her as she came to a halt by his side. She reached up and put her small hand in his palm, her face alight with excitement.

On the way over, Jim tried to explain to her, as well as he could, that she would be staying with Bones, but it would be okay. Mostly she just kind of looked at him like he was the dumbest person in the known universe and he was working on expanding that to the unknown universe as well. He finally gave up on it, decided that she would probably be fine. She had fallen asleep at Maggie Jay's a few times, though she had never spent an entire weekend away from him. Sure he would be visiting, but it just wasn't the same and Jim felt some apprehension about that.

He wondered momentarily if they should have gradually worked her up to this. Why he hadn't thought of this earlier, he didn't know, but it was eating at him now. He knew they would probably be okay without him hovering in the background ready to pounce if needed. Bones had proven himself more than capable of parenting without the help of Jim, and Jo was a very good girl. Nothing would happen; he knew that. It still didn't ease the anxiety.

He tapped in the code to Bones' suite, not even bothering to warn Bones that he was about to enter. Honestly, he had called to tell Jim he was ready whenever they were. As always the suite was clean. The desk was a little cluttered, but all in all, it was like he had a maid in comparison to Jim's place.

Bones was sitting on his couch with a padd held in his hand. In this little kitchenette, a smell of take out wafted towards them. Chinese, if Jim had to guess. Joanna had already eaten dinner, but Bones had said he would stop and get dinner for Jim and himself on the way back, so Jim had waited.

When Bones looked up, his brows furrowed. "Good God, man!" he exclaimed, looking over the bag Jim had over his shoulder. "Did you pack her entire room?"

He shrugged. "I left the bed."

"I suppose I should be glad about that." Bones scooted off of the couch to balance on the balls of his feet. Joanna, automatically knowing what Bones was doing, shot from Jim's side and into the doctors arms, sehlat and all. The smile on both of their faces was radiant and Jim couldn't help the small grin that stole across his lips as well. Slowly, he stepped further into the apartment, moving towards the food, because, holy God! It was already seven thirty and he hadn't eaten anything for eight hours except a piece of cheese that he had 'napped from Jo's plate.

He was used to starving, don't get him wrong. Tarsus taught it like the best. He was even prone to forgetting to eat breakfast or lunch. However, knowing he was getting food and having it be two and a half hours away from when he was watching his little girl eat was almost worse than torture. The Chinese food was history, and Bones would have to join him soon or there would be nothing left.

As he made his plate, he listened to Jo and Bones' conversation, which was mostly Joanna talking about the dandelions they had walked by on the way over and how they were pretty and yellow, and 'I was gonna pick some, but…we had to see you.' At least she didn't blame it on him. He hadn't particularly been paying attention, but he was pretty sure she hadn't made any attempts to stop and pick Bones' dandelions. Not that if she had he would have let her. Dandelions were not his idea of suitable flowers, and on top of that he was allergic to them.

Bones nodded at all the appropriate places, not understanding why they were talking about dandelions but accepting it nonetheless. Jim took a seat on the couch, behind the two of them, listening in at all the twists and turns that the conversation took. Joanna eventually ventured off into how Sellit liked flowers, all flowers, any flower and they wanted to go to the park and make a necklace out of daisies.

Bones smiled at that, still kneeling before her. "Okay, sweetheart. We'll go to the park tomorrow."

Jo most likely wouldn't remember that in the morning. Two year olds were very in the moment. They didn't really plan for future events, only for what they wanted now. The thought was nice, though, and Joanna agreed to it, even if she wouldn't remember.

After that, Bones turned on his own holoscreen for her, switching it to some cartoonish program that the doctor hated and Jim found marginally amusing, while always managing to bring peals of laughter out of their daughter.

He trudged off into the kitchen, rolling his eyes at Jim, who already had half of his plate empty. "Did you hear the rumor that we're married?" he asked, almost hesitantly and just a little too nonchalantly. He was also carefully looking down at the food he was dishing onto the plate.

Jim snorted. "Yeah, last month. I'm blaming it on Pike."

Wrong thing to say! He cursed himself as he saw Bones tense. "Pike?" The doctor asked with carefully controlled temper. "What does he have to do with any of this?"

He shrugged, trying to play it off. "He was just the first one who mentioned that we acted like an old married couple. No big deal."

He stabbed at the chicken with faux interest, scooting some of the mushrooms over to the side. He could practically feel Bones' gaze on him, and he had no idea whether or not it was due to anger or something else, perhaps hope…

"Pike really said that?" Bones asked after a few moments of awkward silence.

Jim nodded his confirmation, setting his plate down on the coffee table. He spared a quick glance to Joanna, who yet again was about three seconds away from becoming part of the holographic characters she was watching. "Jo, back up."

She stumbled back maybe three inches, so he would have to tell her again, but Bones spoke up again, moving from the counter over to the couch to sit beside him. "What'd you say to that? I figured that woulda bothered you."

"No. There are worse things that could be said about us. Trust me."

Jim cast a quick look over at Bones to find him staring with a calculating look on his face. Something akin to regret lingered in his hazel-green eyes, though Jim didn't have the slightest clue why. He wondered what he could possibly have done to put that look in the other man's eye. He thought that had actually been the safe thing to say, but apparently he could fuck up even when he was really trying to keep thing happy.

He sighed. "Hey, I'm gonna get outta here while Jo's not paying attention."

The calculation quickly faded into confusion as Jim stood up and snuck to the kitchenette to put his plate in the recycler. As he slowly crept towards the door, Bones jumped into action, setting his plate on the coffee table and following him to the door.

"What? You only just got here!" he exclaimed as they neared the door and were firmly away from Joanna's path of attention. Jim turned around to face him, feeling a little bad about the fact that he was just eating and leaving, but not really wanting to make this worse. Not that that plan was going that great. If he stayed it got worse, if he left Bones would get upset and it would get worse.

"I know, Bones. But I thought I'd let you and Joanna have the night to yourself," he said rationally, because really that was kind of his plan. He had planned on leaving after an hour or so. Okay, he had only been there fifteen minutes but it had become apparent that tonight it would not be an easy one. "I'm sorry to eat and run, but it's easier when she's not paying attention."

"No, stay," Bones demanded, and he was sorely tempted to take him up on that offer, but it would be easier if he left now. He opened his mouth to say so, when Bones lifted his hand, resting strong fingers against Jim's neck. "Jim…please, stay."

He didn't lean into the touch, though it was a really close thing. Instead he smiled, making it as comforting as possible. "It'll be easier for me to sneak away while she's not paying attention."

"Jim," he sighed, slowly dropping his hand. It looked like it physically pained him to do so.

Jim sighed again, reaching out to take Bones' hand in his. "I'll be back tomorrow. I'm just gonna grade those essays for Archer tonight. I'll spend more time with you tomorrow." He put on that same smile; the one he hoped was half as comforting as he thought it was. "Swear."

Bones didn't look pacified, but he nodded, yet again letting Jim have his space.

+ststst+

He finished grading his half of the essay by ten thirty. Most of them were pretty good, as he would expect. Starfleet didn't let just anyone take these classes; he figured they had to understand at least a little. Their grammar was mostly atrocious, but he couldn't write properly to save his life, and Archer said as long as the premise of the essay was right it didn't matter about the grammar.

He stood from his desk with a tall stretch. He couldn't believe he had actually finished them all in one sitting. Pike hadn't exaggerated when he said Jim could read fast, but Jim was also feeling a little restless. He kept thinking about Bones and Joanna and what they were doing. He wondered if they were enjoying themselves, or if Joanna had gotten into a funk.

The only thing he had in the way of knowing how the evening was going was a voice recording of his daughter telling Bones that they were going to order a counterattack against the carrots of the world. She hadn't said it in so many words, of course, but that was the gist of it. He could hear her plain as day, how serious she was about this defensive, as well as Bones' hushed laughter and encouragements for her to continue. Jim had been chuckling away as he continued marking the essays while listening in.

That had been about an hour and a half ago though. As he wandered around his quiet suite his thoughts turned to the all consuming silence weighing down on him. He had kept the holoscreen on for the first hour, but it had been even more distracting than the lack of noise. He thought about dialing up some music, but that didn't sound appealing either. He had absolutely nothing to keep his mind off of everything that was clawing at him; every thing about Bones that he wished would suddenly become easier.

He paced the room thinking over his options with the doctor. There weren't many that he could think of doing with a clean conscience. He thought about prolonging the idea of their 'relationship' until Bones gave up, but with the way things were going he didn't see that happening. He would break long before Bones would, the persistent bastard. He thought he was stubborn, but he was beginning to realize he had nothing on southern doctors.

He also considered just bold-face lying, just telling Bones that he didn't want a relationship. Bones would be mad, but it would be better than just stringing him along. There was no way Jim would ever be ready for this relationship, no matter how much he wanted it. If Bones didn't stop loving him on his own, Jim would do something to fuck it up. He had a pretty good history of that. If it wasn't his personality in general, his long list of mental hang-ups would surely drive him away.

He just couldn't do it.

A soft pinging from his computer caught his attention, and thinking it was from Bones he rushed over to see what the problem was. It was from Maggie Jay, though, which was odd in itself. She should be at work now. He told the computer to accept the call, and Maggie's face graced the screen, wild red hair and piercing green eyes steadying him just a little.

"Maggie Jay," he said with a small smile. "What are you doing home?"

She smiled back at him. "I asked for the night off. I had a date. You remember those, right?"

He snorted. "Yeah, vaguely. Didn't they always end with me bitching at you for setting me up on them in the first place?" he asked pleasantly. When she shrugged, he shook his head, taking a seat in the chair behind him. "So, tell me about him. Who is he? What does he do? How did he manage to woo you into a date? More importantly, did you fuck him?"

She rolled her eyes. "That would be the more important question."

His shoulder hitched upward as he said, "I haven't been laid in seven months. I have to live vicariously through you. Now…?"

"You remember that doctor I told you about? The one from Ottumwa Regional?" she asked. When he nodded, she smiled beatifically and continued. "Well, he's been talking to me steadily for this last month, flirting…"

"I lied when I told you I wanted to hear about him. Did you sleep with him?"

"No."

It was probably a testament of how ridiculously pathetic his life was that he was let down by that. He deflated a little in his seat, leaning his head on the back of his seat. He was surprised when the conversation didn't pick up. He picked his head up to see her staring at him the way a hawk looks at its prey. Her gaze narrowed dangerously on him, her lips disappeared.

"You know why you're always so sad?" she asked suddenly, deadly serious.

He rolled his eyes theatrically. "I'm not sad."

"You wanna pull the other leg? This one's getting a bit long. You've been sad for three fucking years. You've just convinced yourself that you're happy to make life seem less gray. Don't get me wrong; you eclipse your sadness with joy, pleasure, and awe-inspiring pride when it comes to Joanna. Doesn't take away from the fact that, underneath it all, you are not happy."

He really hated the nonchalant way she delivered that entire spiel, like he was one of her case studies. He also hated the fact that she was right. He thought he did a pretty good job of keeping it to himself, but she had been his friend for years, and no one could always keep up such a massive lie. He had his good day, and his okay days, but he had more than his fair share of bad days. He wasn't depressed by any stretch of the imagination, but the melancholy did tend to permeate just under the surface.

He rubbed at his head, feeling a small pressure building behind his eyes. "Y'know…I'm pretty sure the Academy has shrinks if I want to be analyzed."

"Oh, but none of them know you like I do. No one knows you like I do. And that's sad, because you have a man, less than a mile away, who would kill to know you half as well." The way she said that made him wonder if they had been talking behind his back. Jim hadn't given either the other's number, but they were both very smart people. He didn't doubt they could find each other.

"I really don't want to hear this," he said quietly, not even bothering to look her in the eye.

Her steely voice answered him, the one he had always associated with her nurse's tone. "Well, I wouldn't suggest hanging up. I have connections and bad things will happen if you do. Sit back, get comfy, and take this like a grown up."

Jim rubbed his forehead, the small pulse slowly pounding its way to a full blown headache. Again he was reminded of the fact that everyone in his life was just able to pull the thoughts that he tried to bury. He was honestly getting frustrated at the way they threw his problems back at him and even more frustrated that he had no way to block them.

He closed his eyes, reaching for the edge of his desk to propel himself around in the chair. He didn't know whether it was in hopes of getting her to shut up, or if it was to feel less attached, but either way Maggie Jay did continue.

"I understand that you didn't have the easiest life," she started but just as quickly backtracked. "Actually, no…I don't understand. No one could understand what you have been through. But I can understand why you are so reluctant to believe good things can happen to you. Really, your life has only given you one gift, one, to make up for the shit storm that has rained down on you. The ridiculous thing is that you don't strive for more."

He stopped his chair with a jerk that didn't help his headache in the slightest but he was on edge and his headache hardly mattered anymore. "Jo's enough," he bit out at her, a glare coming over his face as he finally looked at her.

"I'm not saying she isn't," she pacified. "What I am saying is that enough doesn't have to be all. Joanna makes it worth while. She makes you content, makes you laugh. All children should do that. Children should be the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just saying its okay to_ want more_. It's not wrong to want some water to go with that light."

"You don't know…"

"Probably not," Maggie cut in quickly, a look on her face that practically screamed she was going to hate saying what she said next, and he would probably hate it right along with her. "But I can guess. You're punishing yourself for your mother's mistakes and misgivings."

Yeah, he really did hate hearing that. His face pinched tightly and he reached forward to disconnect the call saying, "Bye, Maggie."

She yelled in protest for him, but the call was already ended. For a moment he sat in his chair, a headache pounding in his temples. The suite was too quiet, and as he looked at the clock he saw it was nearing midnight. There wasn't much for him to do, though he really was sorely tempted to go over to Bones' and check up on how things were. The thought was fleeting. He wasn't going to go over there tonight, not after that conversation.

He wanted to go somewhere, though. He didn't want to stay in the suite and wallow in his own misery. The computer pinged, alerting him that Maggie was calling him back, but he ignored it. He shot out of his chair, grabbing his jacket and heading anywhere that wasn't his rooms.

+ststst+

(everybody was kung fu fighting)

…it's sorta like dancing…only deadly…

InnocentGuilt


	11. Chapter 11

Jim walked into the first bar he found, about forty minutes away from the Academy. It was dingy and quiet and honestly looked where criminals went to forget the fact that they were wanted dead for a few hours. It wouldn't have been his first pick normally, but at this point in time he didn't care. He wanted about a fifth of vodka to drown out Maggie Jay's accusations, a gallon of rum to get Bones' hurt look out of his mind, and an ocean of whisky just to forget his own name and all the shit that came with it.

He didn't make eye contact with any of the other patrons as he shoved his way through the old-fashioned metal hinged door. He just moved up to the bar, calling for six shots of vodka for starters. The bartender, a surly looking woman with untamed masses of black frizz, set them up without ever speaking a word to him. He appreciated that right now. The total anonymity and disregard for anyone else that permeated the bar was practically a god-send at this moment.

He couldn't believe Maggie! Of all the things she could have said he thought that may have been the worst. He wasn't trying to make up for anything his mother may or may not have done. He was trying to learn from her example or lack thereof, but that didn't mean he was trying to make up for her shortcomings. He was sure a lot of people thought that, but he was just trying to do what was right for everyone. He was trying to make it easier for him, Joanna, and for Bones.

The fact that Jim was steering clear of Bones didn't mean he was trying to keep from making his mother's mistake of marrying any guy who smiled at her. He wasn't like that. He was just trying to make this work the best way he could. It may not make him full of sunshine in the end, but it would make it bearable. What was wrong with wanting that?

Then again another part of him asked what was wrong with giving it a shot? He wasn't clairvoyant he knew that. He couldn't see the future. He was looking for the worst outcome and planning for it accordingly. Some part of him wondered if he tried, if it wouldn't pay off. It wasn't the first time he had thought about that, not even close. It was just seventy-five percent of the time he ruled that it wasn't worth the risk.

He took a shot to drown the thought, then another just for good measure.

He wasn't here to think. He was here to disband the ability to think. Jim slumped a little in his seat, the alcohol already working to loosen the tension of his headache and the coiled muscles in his back. His face was still tight with a frown, but he figured it just helped him blend in. This place didn't exactly scream 'smile!'

He reached for another shot, aware enough of his surroundings to realize a few people had begun moving around. He figured they were getting ready to leave, probably to drink in solitude instead of…in solitude while in public. That didn't make sense, and the fact that he knew that meant he should take that shot quickly.

When he had the shot glass back on the counter and had his hand reaching for the fourth, he felt someone enter his personal zone. The muscles that had released seized again, but the headache still stayed below his level of tolerance, thankfully. He didn't bother to turn around. He didn't know what this person wanted, but he wasn't going to strike up conversation. He wanted to be left alone.

As he took a sip of his fourth shot, a heavy hand settled on his shoulder in what was decidedly not a friendly manner. He felt his hackles rising at the offending appendage, but he made the very strong effort to ignore it. He didn't need a fight. He didn't feel like he had the energy for it. He tried to shrug it off of him, but the person behind him spoke with a sneer clear in his voice.

"What are you doing here?" the man behind him asked.

"Leave me alone, man," Jim demanded without turning around. He stared into the clear liquid in the dirty shot glass, as if that would somehow get the stranger to go away, and maybe better yet, solve the rest of his damn problems. It was unlikely, but it felt better than letting himself get riled up.

The barstool next to him was occupied now, and it hadn't been a second ago. A woman about Maggie Jay's age sat there, long, black hair braided over her shoulder and her green tank-top proclaiming 'Earth.' She looked at him with near-colorless blue eyes that were settled into a nasty glare that morphed her entire face into an ugly visage. "What?" she asked coldly. "You too good to talk to us? You, in your snazzy red suit, you only talk to other alien loving assholes?"

"I'm just trying to drink." He brought the rest of his fourth drink to his lips but the woman slapped it out of his hands. It flew over the bar, where the surly bartender had already disappeared from, and shattered against the floor. That did not help the situation at all. Jim literally took a deep breath to reel in the reaction to lash out at the two of them.

Her glare really didn't help her features, which would be pretty, Jim noticed, and the satisfied smirk that came across her full lips clashed terribly. "Why don't you go drink with your other alien scum? You'd be more welcome there."

"Seriously?" He snorted derisively. "Shit." It figured he would stumble across two xenophobes in his Starfleet cadet reds. It figured that he would stumble across them at all. Really? Did Karma just staple a 'kick me' sign to his back? He hadn't even thought about what he was wearing when he went out. He hadn't changed after he picked up Joanna, or when he graded. Honestly, he hadn't thought it would backfire on him. Who would have? He sighed, tiredly. He didn't want to deal with this shit. "Look, I'm just gonna finish my drinks and then I'll leave."

The hand on his shoulder tightened painfully, hauling him around to finally look at the man that had been hovering ominously over his shoulder. It kind of pissed Jim off that he would have been good looking, too, had it not been for the way his face was twisted. He was a little shorter than Jim, light blond hair and brown eyes. Why were such beautiful people trying to ruin his evening? Shouldn't there be a law against that?

"You don't deserve to drink in our bar," the man said, his voice smooth if threatening. "You don't even deserve to breathe our air, you alien hugging piece of shit. You're a traitor to Earth."

Jim rolled his eyes. What the hell? It wasn't like he had anything special planned for his night, anyway. "And I had been of the impression xenophobia went extinct with the turn of the twenty-fourth century," he muttered under his breath reaching for the fifth shot of vodka. He should probably stop, considering he_ knew_ this wasn't going to end well, but he had fought worse odds. Hell, only a month ago he had faced down four gorillas on significantly more than four shots.

Bones had Joanna for the weekend, and Jim figured there had to be some free clinic that would patch him up without needing his entire medical history or feeling compelled to alert Starfleet about his act of delinquency. If the man wanted a fight, he'd get one. He had a few qualms with fighting the woman, but in several previous fights the female friend of the man or men fighting usually stayed in the corner and cheered while throwing projectiles just to make it difficult.

"Do you have something you want to say to us?" the woman asked from behind him.

"Yeah, your new wave Nazi-ism is in poor taste," he said with a smug grin to the man. He shoved the other away from him as he stood up, still steady, though his vision wobbled momentarily. The man stumbled back with a glare, but Jim only smirked at him. "I'd love to stay and shoot the shit with you lovely excuses for human beings, but I think I'll take you up on your offer to drink with some of my own kind."

Where the hell the woman had grabbed the bottle from was a mystery to Jim, but he barely caught sight of her with it before the thick brown glass collided with the side of his skull. And very clearly and distinctly, just as the pain kicked in but before the darkness claimed him, he thought:_ fucking figures._

+ststst+

Waking up in a hospital was not exactly a new experience for Jim. His name and the word 'hospital' used to be synonymous. However, it had been a year and a half since his last visit, and that had only been because one of the hovercars he had been working on in Riverside had practically electrocuted him. Still, no matter how many times he had woken up in a hospital, it never made it any more relaxing.

He slowly opened his eyes, his lids feeling like they were leaded, and took in the pallid room surrounding him, as well as the horrifically loud beeping from the biobed. He felt his brows furrow almost without his consent. He closed his eyes again, trying to get more of his bearings.

First thing's first, what the hell had he done to warrant a trip to the hospital?

Vague memories filtered into his consciousness, his less than stellar conversation with Maggie Jay, running out of his suite, the bar. The thought he remembered two pretty people and the fact that they hadn't liked him for some reason or another. Other than that…

His obvious deduction was that he had been bashed over the head. Lovely.

Second matter of curiosity, how long had he been there?

"About eight hours," a very familiar voice answered him.

His brows furrowed deeper. God was apparently in the room with him. That couldn't be a good thing.

"Not God, Jim, though I do run a close second." He heard confident steps coming toward him, and he managed to open his eyes to see Pike staring down at him with concern written over his face. "You realize you talk to yourself when you're drugged up to the gills?" he asked, a small smile turning the corners of his lips.

Jim started to take a deep breath, but he aborted the actions when his right-side ribs gave a painful twinge. He winced, and took a shorter breath, telling Pike, "I hadn't been aware. Usually there are no creepily hovering men around to comment on the matter."

His voice sounded parched even to his own ears but he didn't care to get a drink. He didn't think he would be staying awake long. He knew whatever drugs had been pumped into him hadn't fully worn off and though he could probably fight it if he wanted to he really didn't want to. His head hurt and his ribs ached. He must have really pissed off the pretty people, which was sad, because he was pretty too. All pretty people should get along naturally.

He moaned in protest to his own thoughts. Yeah, the meds still had a good hold on him.

He tried to readjust himself but his ribs gave very angry protest, and to top it all off his left wrist felt like it had just been stabbed. Pike pushed him down by his shoulder, saying soothingly, "Easy, there, Jim. You shouldn't be moving yet."

The response was automatic, and without thought. "Whatever, dad. I can't sleep on my back."

Pike's smile was soft, if a little indulgent. "Alright, son," he said with more emotion than Jim was coherent to understand. He gently grabbed hold of Jim's right shoulder, helping him onto his left side while keeping him from hurting himself. When Jim was comfortably settled on his side and his hands were well out of the way of being further injured, Pike asked, "Comfy?"

"Mostly," he answered with a sigh. He was falling asleep quickly, or more to the point the drugs were claiming him quickly. Still, he needed to know some things and clear a few more up. He forced his eyes to stay open, even though it was harder than almost anything else he had ever done, excluding going in for his C-section, but he had been knocked out shortly after that, so he barely remembered the anxiety.

He cleared his throat, quietly, calling Pike's attention to him. Bones needed to know that he wouldn't be showing up this afternoon. He needed Pike to tell Bones that something had come up, and he wouldn't be able to make it. He trusted the other man to come up with something plausible, just as long as he didn't tell the doctor he was in the hospital or that he had gone to a bar the night before. "Bones has Joanna…" he started, but the captain cut him off gently.

"No, actually, Jon has Joanna."

With sleep knocking at his door, that sentence made no sense to him. "Wha…? Why?"

"Doctor McCoy is in the medical center now," Pike explained. "There was a complication with your medication, so I ordered him to take over."

That computed, and he felt a rush of nerves take over him, waking him up just a little more. "You did what?" he asked breathlessly. "Why would you…"

"Jim, calm down." Pike was looking at his readings, which were slightly elevated. Jim didn't think it was anything to worry about at the moment. It wasn't like he was going to have a heart attack, not unless Pike confirmed what Jim suspected was not a joke.

He didn't know why it was a bad thing for Bones to know that he had left yesterday night, but it didn't make him feel better, that was for sure. He didn't want Bones to think any less of him for this, to think that he would pawn off his daughter just to go bar-hopping. That was just what he needed. "Bones is here? Why is he here?"

"I told you, Jim. You had a reaction to a medication. I ordered Doctor McCoy to take over." Pike was looking at him worriedly and more than a little confused. It was clear he didn't understand the problem, and Jim wasn't asking him to. He didn't want anyone to understand the problem.

Jim closed his eyes tightly, willing this moment to be a bad dream. He was unsurprised when the drugs came to take him over again. It had been hovering ever since he woke up, and though he still felt the panic, the weightless feeling that assaulted him as he closed his eyes was too good to let go.

The last thing he heard before he fell under again was the door sliding open and the dulcet tones of Bones filling his mind.

+ststst+

Jim woke clearly and with a visible start the second time, reaching for the hand resting on his stomach. He was more than shocked when there was actually a hand to grasp. He was sleeping on his back again, probably having been moved to his original position after he dropped back under the influence of the drugs. And there, resting on his stomach was a hand more familiar to him than his own. He followed the appendage, up the arm to Bones' form.

His chair was drawn close to Jim and he leaned forward in it to rest his free arm and head on the bed. He was asleep, though probably just barely judging by the completely uncomfortable way he was folded. Jim studied him silently for a few moments. His face was turned away from Jim, so only his mussed brown hair was visible to him. His shoulders were tense and his breathing was a little uneven. Jim rubbed his thumb against tanned knuckles, enjoying this moment while he could.

He relaxed as much as he could into the biobed, listening to the irritating beep of the monitors. In this moment it was almost easy to give into the part of him that just said 'cave already!' It was quiet and comfortable, even though Bones was totally unaware of it. It reminded him of New Orleans, although he hadn't been in a hospital and Bones had usually been in bed with him. However, Jim had usually woken before Bones, and he had always held Bones' hand to his body, taking in the creature comfort of having someone wrapped around him.

It was really nice to just have this moment, and it would probably go a long way in his memories. It would probably go a long way in both helping Jim be okay with this 'just friends' sentence he had imposed on himself as well as making it even more difficult.

He really needed out of this crisis. It was really beginning to make his brain hurt. He loved Bones, and he was pretty sure Bones loved him, and they both loved Joanna, but one day Bones wouldn't love Jim, and that would just fuck up the entire dynamic of everything…and why was he thinking like this? That thought had more run-ons than any of the essays he had graded yesterday.

Oh, fuck, the drugs had obviously yet to dissipate.

He just barely refrained from jerking away when Bones closed his fingers securely around Jim's.

"You know," the doctor started groggily, his accent thicker and working even more to drive Jim crazy. "When you said you'd spend more time with me today, I had assumed it would be in my suite, not at a hospital."

He picked his head up off the bed, and his normally tamed hair was sticking up in all sorts of bizarre angles, just like when he had woken in New Orleans. He turned his hazel eyes towards Jim and it was more than apparent that he hadn't received much sleep over the night. Now instead of being reminded of New Orleans, Jim was reminded of the way Bones had been on the shuttle ride, all messed up and barely sane.

Hard to believe that was only a month ago. He felt like he had lived three lifetimes since then.

"This wasn't exactly what I had in mind, either, Bones," he said, reaching out to fix the other's hair. He sighed, noting that though his ribs still protested it wasn't as violently as it had been when he had first awoken. That had to be a good sign. "When the hell can I get out of here?"

"Probably another two hours or so," Bones said, leaning back in his seat, taking his hand away from Jim. He rubbed his eye tiredly, proving to Jim it hadn't been a steady night for him. "They broke four of your ribs and completely obliterated your wrist. That alone would have kept you in here for a while. Then to add insult to injury you apparently stumbled across the only illiterate doctor in this entire city. The one damn anesthetic you're allergic to and the dumbass chose that one for you."

Jim hummed in acknowledgement, his eyes trailing over Bones' tired and rumpled form.

A small smile flicked onto his lips when Bones raised a brow. Then a scowl took over his features, not necessarily angry but waspish, definitely. "Y' know you take nearly being killed a whole lot better than most people would."

"I'm still here," Jim said with an aborted shrug. He didn't necessarily want to tell Bones that this was really no where close to a near death experience in his book. It was irritating, he wouldn't deny that. But he was okay and in one piece. He was honestly more perturbed about his healing wrist and tender ribs than the mess up on anesthetic. Lord knew with his list of allergies it was easy to overlook something every once in a while. He gave Bones a small simile of a smile, saying, "Obviously it wasn't that serious, or you are just that good."

"Let's not test the theory," the doctor growled. He shook his head wearily, before pressing it into his hand. Quietly he asked, almost as if he didn't want to really know, "What were you doing out there anyway?"

Jim took a deep breath, feeling his ribs give a throb of protest. He didn't want to bring up Maggie Jay or anything related to that entire conversation, but he didn't want to sound like a jackass either. "Ran out of things to do at the suite. Thought I'd see what San Francisco night life had to offer." He tried cracking a humorous smile. "Apparently I drew the wrong lot last night."

Bones didn't find it that funny. In fact, he looked like he didn't find it that believable either and that made Jim want to fidget. The way Bones just stared at him, stared through his lies like he always did. Jim couldn't even make a retreat. The drugs in his system had worn completely off, yes, but he didn't have any doubt that Bones could subdue him before he even made it out the door. Ribs at less than full capacity had the tendency to slow him down. The fact that Bones was now watching him like a hawk made him well aware that even with healed ribs he wouldn't make it far without a struggle.

Jim cleared his throat, giving Bones a glance before trying to haul himself into a more suitable position. If he was going to be stared at he wanted to at least be in some semblance of an upright position, not on his back. He felt out of sorts enough without having to take this conversation lying down.

He only lifted himself up about a centimeter before Bones was out of his seat, hovering over him and grumping, "Damnit, Jim! Don't move. Your wrist isn't fully healed."

"I'm uncomfortable." He told himself he didn't whine, but he knew he did. He really hated hospitals. He really hated this situation. And he really hated that this was going to head into dangerous territory and soon. He couldn't help it if he droned just a little bit.

"Then let me help. I'm your doctor. That's what I'm supposed to do," Bones said as if talking to Joanna, instead of a twenty-two year old man. In a manner similar to Pike, but with more expertise, he helped Jim maneuver into an upright position. When he was done, he gently picked up Jim's wrist, and reached for his tri-corder. Quickly and efficiently, he examined Jim's wrist. Focusing on the readout, or at the very least, using it as an excuse not to look directly at Jim, he asked, "Why didn't you come back over…if you were bored?"

Bones wasn't buying his excuse, and probably would believe any of Jim's other excuses, he knew that. However, it didn't stop the fact that Jim did not want to bring up Maggie Jay. He didn't really want to talk about anything from last night.

"It was midnight. Thought you'd be asleep."

The doctor cast his hazel eyes up to Jim with a look that clearly said '_that _is the best you could come up with?' Jim didn't deny that it needed a bit of work. Bones shook his head, irritated and well within his right to be so. "Well, I wasn't. Hell, at that time Joanna wasn't even sleeping."

He knew that, or he had been pretty sure of it. Their daughter was a night owl in the biggest way, but still he just said, "Oh."

There were a few moments of awkward silence, in which Jim stared avidly at the evil white walls of his room, and Bones gingerly added pressure to his wrist. It stung but he figured one more round under the osteo-generator and he wouldn't even be able to tell it had been broken in the first place.

"What really happened?" Bones demanded, setting Jim's wrist on the biobed. He looked up, his eyes portraying his determination.

He shrugged. "Nothing, really."

The doctor pursed his lips, tearing his eyes away from Jim to look around the room and basically not at him. He looked like he was going to back off, like he always did, but then again, Jim thought, there was only so much a man could take. Bones had apparently reached his limit.

"Damnit, Jim!" he shouted after a moment, a glare taking over his face when he returned his gaze to Jim. He was forced to stop staring at the wall and actually look at Bones, his eyes a little wide. "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Stop!" he ordered. "Just…stop. You know exactly what you're doing! You're pushing me away and its confusing the hell out of me. I had thought, when you said you wanted to get used to being around me again before we started anything that you would actually_ want_ to be around me. But for the last month you've been so back and forth about everything. You push me away if I ask something about you. You run at the slightest chance of anything even bordering on intimate. Hell, yesterday you left because I looked at you! Now, if you don't want a relationship with me, fine! Just tell me."

His last admission looked like it was a corporeal punch to the gut, and Jim felt like a heel for making Bones think that. He had wanted Bones to forget about him, had been preparing himself for when it happened. When it hadn't, Jim hadn't known what to do. He knew he had been pushing away; he was aware of that. He didn't think it would hurt Bones like this, though. The doctor looked miserable.

Jim swallowed a painful lump that was working its way up his throat.

"It's…" It was now or never. This was it, an ultimatum. Tell Bones he was right and it would all be over. They would carry on the rest of time as just friends and sitting close but never touching, some part always wondering. Tell him he was wrong and they dashed the thought of just friends ever happening. Bones would lose faith in him and move on and Jim would be heartbroken. He had to choose quickly, and he had to choose correctly.

"It's complicated." Déjà vu. "I do, but I don't. I want what we had in New Orleans and I want you, but I'm scared shitless of what will happen. I know I go back and forth, but it's only because I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop."

Bones sighed, looking at him deploringly as if willing him to see reason. "Jim, I've told you. I'm not angry at you. I'm beginning to doubt I ever really was…"

"I know." He took a deep breath, feeling a very physical pain as he forced himself to continue, but it wasn't nearly as painful as the look on Bones' face. That honest, open want that condemned him, unknowingly, for being the biggest jerk in the history of the universe. "I just worry that your feelings are a manifestation of your love for Jo and the want to give her a complete family."

Bones looked like he honestly couldn't believe what assaulted his ears. His face blanked for a moment, like it had on the shuttle, but just as quickly it morphed into sheer incredulity. "Christ, Jim!" he groaned in frustration. "I'm not doing this just because she's mine. You could have found her under a cabbage, and I would show just as much interest."

Jim shook his head. "You don't know that for sure."

"I_ know_ what I'm feeling," Bones growled. He leaned over Jim, his hands on either side of Jim's hips. Dropping his head close, his eyes boring into blue, he said in little over a whisper, though that didn't help to detract from the firmness of the statement, "I am falling more and more in love with you as each day passes and you are being an asshole about it."

Jim's eyes widened and his heart thundered in his chest. He hadn't been prepared for this admission. He had expected almost anything else but that confession. The lump was starting back in his throat making it harder to breathe. He opened his mouth, hoping something would come out, something that would help, but in the end it only helped in making him look like a fish, his lips flapping open and shut.

The door slid open, to reveal Uhura. "Am I interrupting something?" she asked upon seeing them.

"No." "Yes."

Jim looked up at Bones; shocked that the doctor had been the one to answer 'no.' Bones met his eye briefly then stepped away. "No, ma'am. This is an ongoing discussion. It'll keep for a while longer." He gave Jim a sad backwards glance, before putting on a small smile for Uhura. "I've gotta go fetch the osteo-generator for his wrist, anyway. Make sure he doesn't do a handstand or something equally as foolhardy."

Then he exited the room, leaving Uhura and Jim staring after him, one confused and the other terrified that he had hammered the last nail into his own coffin. Slowly, Uhura turned to face him, but he couldn't bring himself to look at her just yet. He was watching the door avidly. He had never been the one left after one of their discussions. He had always been the one leaving. He knew Bones had only gone to retrieve the generator, but it still felt…

It felt like he was sinking.

"Are you okay, Kirk?" Uhura asked as she came to stand by the bed.

He answered without taking his eyes away from the door, wondering idly if this was how Bones always felt - if Bones would just stare after him and hope he would return instead of scampering off to hide until he could get a better hold on himself.

"I'm fine," he said reflexively, like he had to the nurse who asked about his broken nose and black eye when he was ten, or on the shuttle that took him away from Tarsus IV, or even to Maggie the first month after he found out about Joanna. His eyes didn't leave the door, even knowing Bones was coming back. He had to see Bones do it. He had to see Bones come back.

Two minutes seemed to last an eternity, but that was about how long it took for Bones to grab the generator and return. When he did and saw them both staring at him, a small scowl stole across his face. "I did say I was coming back!"

He didn't quite stomp, though it looked like it took a goodly amount of effort not to, over to Jim's side, excusing himself past Uhura with a polite, "'scuse me, darlin'." Then, laying Jim's hand on the biobed, he ran the machine four times over the rapidly healing bone.

"How'd you find out Jim was here, Uhura?" Bones asked to break the silence that had permeated the room ever since his outburst.

Jim, who had been watching Bones the entire time, though the doctor had yet to actually look at him again, turned to his friend. She had taken a seat in the chair Bones had vacated, and she left her hair down, much in the same style she had it in at Shipyard Bar. She watched the two of them with concern evident in her features, although she quickly masked it when she saw Jim looking.

"My roommate mentioned a cadet had been assaulted last night at a bar in the bad side of town. I checked a few things, followed the story, and was_ completely_ unsurprised to see it was Kirk," she gave him that same unimpressed look she had given him at the bar so many weeks ago. He found it hard not to smile cockily at her.

Bones grunted his acknowledgement, before quickly flicking his eyes towards Jim. "Rotate your wrist clockwise and then counterclockwise twice," he ordered quietly.

Whatever smile Jim had was gone at the sullen tone of Bones' voice. He did what he was told, moving his hand this way and that, waving his fingers, and folding his hand down towards his arm as Bones commanded, keeping up a conversation with Uhura as he watched the doctor fervently ignore his gaze. When he was done with Jim's wrist, he did a quick check on the ribs the two xenophobes had broken, and a diagnostic to make sure there were no repercussions from being given the wrong anesthetic.

Then he left again, telling them he was going to fill out Jim's release forms and bring them back in just a few short minutes.

Jim wished he knew what to say to make this all okay again.

+ststst+

A/N: I'm just gonna smile and wave.

(take one step forward…now one step back…one step forward…and now we're cha-chaing)

InnocentGuilt


	12. Chapter 12

When Bones went to get the paperwork ready for Jim to be signed out, Uhura had looked at him with a completely new look he had never seen or imagined she possessed in her expansive arsenal of expressions. It was soft, understanding and completely unlike the glare she had settled on him when she told him how she came upon his visit to the hospital. She stood from her chair elegantly, all smooth and flowing, coming to stand by his bedside.

And then, just because she was a contradiction in terms, she pinched his arm…_ hard!_

Jim jerked, which really didn't make him happy because osteo-generator or not, his muscles were still tender and his nerves were still healing and the contraction of muscles that had occurred made him aware just why he should never be incapacitated for a fight again. He grabbed his arm away from her, literally holding it across his body as if he could protect it from further attack by doing so. Glaring up at her, he said, "I'm injured already. I don't need more bruises from you."

"It wasn't intended to bruise," she said matter-of-factly. She crossed her arms, shaking her head at him exasperatedly. "You're pouting and you have no reason to."

Jim was so confused. "Broken bones no longer qualify as a reason to pout?"

She sighed with a shake of her head, her hair, which she had left loose, swinging gently with the motion. "You're not pouting because of broken bones, Kirk. Why don't you just let him in?"

His face fell slack, even as his heart tightened. "You too?" he asked, with a marginal hint of disbelief in his tone.

"What?" she asked, her features matching her tone in its confusion. He sometimes forgot the he left her out of the loop. Come to think of it he left everyone out of the loop.

It wasn't that he meant to, not to the level that he obviously was managing to do so. He just…not to sound morose, but he never really had anyone to talk to. He never really had anyone to share secrets with, and he never had a connection of people like he had growing here in San Francisco. He never had someone to give his secrets to, so it was fairly easy to keep them to himself. Maggie Jay knew him so well due to a constant companionship over three years - it was hard _not_ to know someone well after that long. He was unaccustomed to opening up after just one month, though, to sharing secrets just because people cared and they_ really_ wanted to know.

He was unused to Bones, and the idea that Bones wanted him as much as he wanted Bones. Of course, he had known Bones wanted him, but Jim hadn't believed it was to the extent that it was. He hadn't wanted to believe that he was the one who was doing wrong. He wanted to save everyone pain in the long run, but was it honestly worth it if everyone was in even more pain now? Was it really worth it if his and Bones' feelings for each other never waned and they lived the rest of their lives like this because Jim was afraid of a day he could never know was coming.

"I don't even know what I'm doing anymore," he muttered to himself, pressing his uninjured hand to his face.

"Well, that makes two of us. You have passed pouting and gone straight to brooding now," Uhura said with exasperation. She patted his leg forcefully and vaguely he wondered if she did anything gently, anything at all. He took his hand away from his face and dropped it over his stomach to glare at her, which, for the record, went unnoticed as she sat down on the bed next to his knees. "Look, I've been watching the two of you…"

"Who knew you were a voyeur?" he interjected.

Her glare didn't go unheeded. As she shot it at him, he clamped his lips in silent apology. "Linguistics isn't only about the spoken word, Kirk. I watch people as well, it's what I do." She paused as if to gather her thoughts. "Look, Kirk, I know other people's views aren't always important, but you should_ see_ the way you look at each other. You should see how_ happy_ you look when he's talking to you and how_ longing_ he looks when you re-direct a conversation away from what he wants to hear about you. I don't know what your hang ups are, Kirk…but it's always worth the effort to try."

He listened to her with the conflicting feeling of his heart sinking and rising simultaneously. She grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze. "You think too hard about these things."

He wanted to ask her how she knew, but he supposed after a month and a half of being his friend, it was hard not to notice these things. He hadn't exactly been the easiest person to live with or even know; he knew that. It had probably been really easy for a woman like Uhura to pinpoint what the discontent between Jim and Bones had been.

He sighed, looking down at his newly sewn wrist, the precision that Bones had probably put into it, because he just wasn't one to slack on such things. He was probably like that with most things, including relationships. He scoffed as he thought about how Bones had stayed in a marriage he knew was ending even three years before it ended. Again, though, that was a double-edged sword. If he had stayed in a relationship he knew was ending, what was to say Bones wouldn't stay with Jim…just because…

He felt another tug on his hand and he looked up to Uhura, who watched him with a patient gaze that was almost like Maggie Jay's, yet still…somehow more earnest. He smiled at her, feeling pretty confident in its sincerity, though he knew it was fake.

"I can't help it," he told her with a helpless shrug. "You have a kid, and everything is so much more serious than it was. It isn't just my life I'm fucking with; its Joanna's too. It's hard to make concrete decisions when it's not just your life in the balance."

She stared at him for moments on end, calculating and weighing. Finally she took a deep breath. "Then you shouldn't be in Starfleet. Every decision you make isn't just for yourself when it comes to the work we'll be doing. Even yeomans make decisions that could affect the crew of wherever they're stationed. If you can't make a decision for two people, you can't be expected to make the choice for hundreds."

She stood up, then, from his biobed, giving his hand one final squeeze. She left the room, her gait calm and serene as if she had just solved his damn problems for him. Perhaps she had. If he couldn't fix a simple problem like this, he was no good for the Federation. For being a genius, he was pretty damn useless.

Well, he wasn't about to drop out of Starfleet. He had to learn to take the initiative. Small steps first. Coming here in the first place, though he knew that his mind had been made up with the help of others, had been the first small step. Letting Bones back into his life, though a little larger, had been the second. With two small steps under his belt, he felt it was a good time to move into middle steps.

He had to make this decision now. He had the evidence, though most of it was circumstantial.

Maggie Jay was right. Uhura was right. He thought, maybe, women in general were just meant to be right. But he had to learn how to get his impulsivity back. He had to take this leap. It would hurt and he would doubt, but he could do it.

+ststst+

Bones had called a cab for them, because although Archer's house was only about four blocks away, with newly healed ribs…

Jim wasn't going to be walking that.

So they stepped out into the hovercab, old and rickety though it was. Bones had been quiet since he had found Jim alone in the room. He hadn't even asked where Uhura had gone, just returned Jim's cadet reds to him as well as the few things he had had in his pocket at the time, including his surprisingly still-intact communicator.

As they settled into the back seat, sinking down into the old memory foam that really wasn't even worth its weight in salt, Jim gently started talking, asking about Joanna to get the ball rolling. He had nothing but the utmost faith in the captain and admiral's ability to watch their daughter, but Joanna wasn't always predictable.

"Was Joanna okay when you left her with Archer?" he asked Bones after telling the bored looking alien creature that Jim had just forgotten the nationality of where to take them. A resolute nod, and the alien's long finger reached out to put up the partition between them before putting in the coordinates.

Being an older make of hovercab, it took a few seconds for the Plexiglas to separate them from the driver completely, and Bones waited for it to erect and lock completely. For a moment, Jim thought it was a new form of punishment being enacted against him, and though he didn't think it was undeserved, he had thought Bones had terrible timing for this and was about to tell him as much, when they heard the gentle click of the partition. Then Bones nodded.

"Yeah," he said, looking out the window as they merged into the late Saturday afternoon traffic next to the civilian hospital Jim had spent his night in. He looked a little worried as the hovercar swerved suddenly and quickly and the cabdriver quickly brought them up to speed. His hazel eyes, drought with emotions Jim would be able to identify if he had looked Jim in the eye at all in the last hour, were focused on the other cars as they zoomed by and around them. "Yeah, she was excited to see the damn dog."

Jim smiled at that. She and Porthos were two peas in a pod, both out to cause as much mayhem as their little bodies would allow. "She probably didn't get to sleep until three or four, then."

It seemed like it shouldn't be possible for a little girl to stay up that late, but if she had proper motivation, mainly a dog, he could see her staying up all night without a problem. There had been a few nights up in Iowa where she hadn't slept simply because Jim hadn't, and he had tried everything, including letting her sleep in his lap. He probably would have resorted to putting a little alcohol in her juice if he had had any handy at the time.

"No, she was very energetic when the captain called. I couldn't get her to lie down to save my life and it was one thirty by then." He shook his head, a small smile curling at his lips, but just as suddenly it disappeared. The scowl was back, as he said, "Pike was pretty fucking excited to see how ragged she had run Archer when he left."

Jim was going to label that sneer 'The Pike Sneer.' He may or may not add 'of doom' later, but for now he rolled his eyes. "He's not that bad, y'know."

"Yeah, I'm sure you don't think so," he growled and his hand began tapping irately against his knee.

This was not how Jim thought this cab ride was going to go, but he would deal. He didn't exactly know how he thought this conversation would go, but they would get there eventually.

"Seriously, Bones, what don't you like about him?" he asked curiously, trying to turn in his seat to look at Bones directly. The old memory foam was stiff and unforgiving and muscles protested his movement vehemently. He rolled his eyes and fell back into his previous position, probably coming off as a petulant child, but willing to blame it on the backseat.

He couldn't turn towards Bones and the doctor was stubbornly looking out the window, his jaw twitching, and his eyes watching the other hovercars around them.

"You want me to share?" he asked derisively, still not looking at Jim. "That's rich."

He deserved that. He didn't deny it. He swallowed thickly, very clearly telling himself to 'just share, Jim. Share; it's what you're teaching Jo to do.' He stared at Bones for a moment, his heart hammering in his chest again, just like it had when Bones had confessed that he was falling more and more in love with him. He told himself to just do it. Take the leap, and deal with the fallout while moving forward.

"Bones," he said a little too loudly in the silence of the cab. The doctor snapped his attention over to him with a small glare that did nothing for the nervous flutter in his stomach. He felt the slight tremor he had experienced on the shuttle take over his body. He met Bones' gaze, stealing himself to just get it over with, to just get it out there. "You want me to share? Okay. I'm a mess. I am a fucked up package wrapped in problem paper with an issue bow on top! I don't know how to be what you want."

Not exactly what his plan had been, but Christ, he was scared and the first thing that came to his mind whenever he thought about 'relationships' was just how fucked he was. He was exactly as he had described himself, and if Bones really wanted to get to know him, that was going to have to be one of the first things he understood thoroughly. If Bones wanted to take not only Joanna but Jim too back into his life, he was going to have to realize…

Bones' glare intensified. "There is no_ being_ what I want, Jim. You just fucking_ are_ what I want. Christ, what can I do to convince you? You think I haven't noticed you have problems? Trust me; your actions haven't exactly screamed fields of sunflower happiness. But you're acting like I don't have my own issues, as well. Neither of us is perfect! We can try to work through them, though, if you let yourself…"

"I don't want to regret this…and I don't want you to regret me."

"You have no idea how slim a chance there is of that happening."

Jim believed him. For this one moment in time, Jim believed Bones totally and completely. His heart was still pounding and there was still a fine tremor coursing through his muscles, but he had made up his mind. He was going to do this.

He reached out his hand quickly, decisively grabbing onto Bones' and threading their fingers together.

"Okay."

"What?" Bones asked, his eyes going impossibly wide as they switched between Jim's face and their interlocked hands. His brows fell in confusion as Jim carefully maneuvered closer, pressing them thigh to thigh and then closer still.

"Okay," Jim repeated, reaching out for Bones and nearly breathing a sigh of relief when his fingers found the doctor's pulse beating just as rapidly as his own. Bones wasn't completely sure of this either. They couldn't be sure of this, but they_ did_ need to try.

They could do this.

_Jim_ could do this.

His hand wove through soft, dark hair, staring into hazel eyes that still looked just a little hesitant. Jim wondered if this is what he had looked like the first time they had tried this, unsure and more than a little conflicted. A small smile flashed across his lips before he yanked Bones toward him, feeling the doctor finally react by clasping on to his upper arm.

Jim brushed against soft lips that were obviously kept hydrated and unsurprisingly, though they took a moment, his lips were met. One slide, two, of lips against each other, and Jim all but said fuck the ribs, surging forward, his tongue lapping against the seam of Bones' mouth before bringing the man's upper lip between his teeth. Honestly, the doctor tasted like hospital and not enough sleep, but this kiss was still like everything and nothing like he remembered, cautious at first but quickly morphing into the way they had always been at their core, intense.

Their hands flew all over the place, grasping at hair and clothing, and if one hand went beneath someone's shirt, well that wasn't really new for them…just kind of forgotten. Jim just let himself be washed away. His heart still hammering as Bones crawled onto his lap as if physically trying to make sure Jim didn't run anywhere else ever again, Jim very carefully, very calculatingly, told his brain to just shut up for these next few minutes.

_Just feel…_

He felt, alright. He felt everything he had dreamed of and everything he remembered; hands on his skin and skin beneath his hands; chests against each other and groins grinding in a familiar rhythm. And then he felt the way the cab slowed down and a very indignant grumble starting in Bones' chest working its way up his throat and out his lips to scatter against the skin of Jim's jaw. Bones seemed to remember himself as the hovercab came to complete halt, and more importantly, that though Jim was young and more than up for_ anything_ Bones had to offer, he had just had his ribs and wrist sewn back together. The doctor's return to his own body was immediate. He checked against muscles and rubbed soothing at skin as if Jim had_ actually_ been _aware _that something had been wrong with them for the past few minutes.

"Are you okay?" Bones asked, sitting mostly in his seat, but still with one leg hooked over Jim's and his arms and hands suddenly everywhere like an octopus, making sure no damage had been done.

Jim smiled at that, his own hands running over any inch of skin or mutilated uniform—he had dressed in a white t-shirt and cadet red trousers—that he could reach. "'M fine, Bones. Don't worry."

It wasn't totally the truth. God knew his heart was still beating rapidly and the tremor in his hands had yet to dissipate. However, he had taken the leap. He had shared…body and mind, and it felt kind of relieving - while still somehow managing to feel like he had jumped into a vat of boiling oil. His skin felt like it had burned off, exposing all of his insides to the doctor, but morbid as it was, the cool air against exposed nerves was kind of intriguing. He didn't feel like the world had dropped out from beneath his feet and he definitely counted that as a win.

Eyebrows fallen with concern, a small frown seriously working his forehead, Bones muttered, "Don't worry, he says…"

And though that sounded like New Orleans, some part of it was reassuring. Continuity, he thought. They had loved each other for three years without ever having seen another. Just think of all the ways they could love each other when they were in front of, living with, and breathing beside one another.

There would be bad times; Jim knew that. There would be bad times, hard times, trying times, but there would be good times, too.

There would be great times; he told himself. Maybe those times would make the fallout worth it.

+ststst+

They stumbled out of the cab, the alien driver looking bored and apathetic, as if two Terran males hadn't been all but molesting each other in the back seat. Bones had paid the fare, pressing his thumb to the identification pad, and for a moment as the rickety, old, yellow hovercar drove off they were completely at a loss for what to do. They had kissed…well, made out really, and Jim was pretty sure that he had given in to the idea that they could at the very least try to make this work. Apparently, outside the cab this was a completely different reality.

They stood at the end of Archer's drive shifting through various awkward poses. Jim had his hands on his hips; Bones had his arms folded over his chest. Bones had his fists pressed into his pockets; Jim rubbed at the back of his neck. Jim almost thought that this should feel more…oh, he didn't know, normal, but it was definitely just a little awkward and not for the fact that they weren't supposed to be doing this or that they didn't know how to pick back up again.

Jim was pretty sure they knew exactly where to pick back up again, and that was what caused the stir between them. Jim had gone without sex for seven months, near eight, and God only knew how long Bones had gone without. He was almost positive that they were both pretty sure what the other wanted to happen.

Bones scoffed, suddenly, with a small shake of his head. Pulling one hand out of his pocket he tugged on Jim's jacket, he said, "Come on, Jim. Let's go grab Jo before Pike ruins her forever."

Though said with a marginal amount less disdain than previously when speaking of the captain, Jim had had enough. "Hold up, there," he said as the other man shifted to walk away. "What is the deal with you and Pike?"

Bones' scowl loosened a little, but he looked around at mostly anything but Jim. His answer, however, remained unknown. A small smirk took Jim's features and he put his hands back on his hips, determined to wait for the doctor's answer. In retaliation, Bones crossed his arms across his chest again, still looking in the general direction of not-Jim. They entered into a battle of wills, seeing which on could out-stubborn the other, even though they knew it would be a fifty-fifty shot.

Finally, Jim continued, "I'm content to wait here all afternoon."

"It's nothing. It's just…it's stupid…" Bones muttered, finally deciding to focus on a tree settled in the median of the road. Jim wasn't sure but he though a blush may have been creeping up his cheeks, staining them a delicious shade of red in the fading sunlight. It was a good look on the doctor; made him seem younger.

Jim's heart beat dangerously in his chest, apprehension and excitement probably slamming his circulatory system into overdrive. He almost fidgeted, but denied himself that habit. Instead, he took a deep breath and plowed on.

"Come on, Bones. I doubt it can be_ that_ stupid. I mean seriously, look what I just spent the last month doing." He smiled, trying for light-hearted rather than self-deprecating or self-pitying. It seemed to do the trick, when Bones looked up at him from under thick dusting of eyelashes.

"He seems…very fond of you." It literally sounded like someone had pulled the confession out of him and that he had tried very hard to keep his teeth clamped against the words. The red of his cheeks intensified as did the scowl, because the doctor was aware that he was blushing and he probably didn't like it.

"Oh!" Jim said immediately, horror widening his eyes. He had never really thought of that, had never even entertained the idea of that notion. That was just…wow, that was just ... Pike was good looking and all, but no! No, Pike was…Pike was…"No, I don't think that's anything you need to worry about," Jim finally said, still trying to deduce exactly what Pike was.

"I wouldn't be too sure. He sure dotes on you an awful lot," he retorted with a grimace.

"Hey, I'm his dead friend's son."

That was a pretty crass way to put it, but he was still trying to figure out why Pike and, hell, Archer had been so nice to him ever since his arrival. It wasn't just because of George Kirk. Jim didn't even know if Archer had known his father. Pike had made it clear that it wasn't his father's image that had caught his attention, and Jim never got the feeling that George's image was what held his attention. He was just like…he vaguely remembered the drug induced conversation between Pike and himself. Jim had called him 'dad,' though it had been kind of sarcastic, but he kind of felt that fit.

Pike was beginning to feel like what Jim had always imagined his father would have been like, had he lived.

"Are you going to keep the glaring down to a minimal?" Jim asked, hoping that he had assuaged Bones' fear, or, at least, diverted it.

He looked shocked; that was for sure, his head finally picked up to look at Jim. It wasn't because his father was dead. Jim remembered telling him that in New Orleans. So it was logical to deduce his surprise was over being told that Jim's dead father had known Pike.

However at the glaring comment, the astounded look melted into agitation. "I'll consider it," he grumped, taking Jim by the sleeve of his jacket to pull him up the short drive to Archer's large, cushy-looking house.

The house, itself, looked rather modern, made out of brick, with those nifty windows that shaded as the sun's rays waxed and waned. The doors, though, were antique, with a doorknob and a bolt-lock. Jim stared at it for a moment, wondering what it was with the antique doors. Pike had one for his office, and Archer had one at his house. They were so old-fashioned and really kind of ugly, though Jim supposed it was a good security measure.

No one could pick doorknobs and keylocks anymore. Anyone you met could probably hack a security code, but locks…those were a thing of ancient past. Jim could still pick them, though. Hell, his house had been almost one hundred percent antique doors and Frank hadn't been above locking them with Jim still inside that room. As he got older and stronger, kicking the door open usually proved to be the easier method, but when going for stealth, he could pick the old locks.

He reached out to press the alert system, when Bones stopped him this time. Jim momentarily thought that they would never actually get to the 'picking Joanna up' part of this visit if they kept this up with each other. He turned to ask Bones what was up now, but he found his mouth otherwise occupied by soft lips and an amazingly hot tongue teasing at his lower lip.

Jim definitely liked this part of giving in.

He tangled his hand in Bones' hair, mussing it further than he had in the hovercab, and angling the kiss how he pleased before delving his tongue between the doctor's lips, tasting the man once again. Fast paced and possessive, Bones pulled him closer by his shoulder and hip until they were flush against each other. Jim felt the rush of excitement similar to what he had felt in the cab flood through him as their hips lined up.

And then the goddamn door opened reminding Jim exactly of where they were.

He and Bones pulled away from each other at near the same moment, though Bones gave an almost-chase after his lips as he started to pull back, maintaining the pressure of skin lying against skin for a second longer. Their grips on each other loosened considerably and Jim took a full, admittedly painful step away from the doctor as they both turned to see Pike standing there with what could have been irritation if he hadn't looked so damn pleased and amused.

Without saying a word, the captain turned away and returned to the depths of Archer's house, leaving them standing on the small porch. Jim turned to Bones, snorting when he saw the smug gaze watching Pike's retreat into the house.

"Feel better?" Jim asked as he stepped through the doorway.

Bones almost looked like he might smile as he said, "Can't deny that I really kinda do."

They followed the trail Pike had taken just seconds before them and entered into a large living room that was scattered with papers and padds and actual crayons. It looked like a hurricane had blown through, but Pike - stepping over a still Archer, who lay apparently dead on the ground as Bones and Jim entered the danger zone - stepped through it like it was nothing, even pausing to run his hand over Joanna's head as he passed her. She was obviously the eye of the storm, judging by the way she had an entire stack of papers in front of her and four and a half million broken crayons scattered around her little legs.

"Dear God," Bones breathed behind him, looking at the mess that Joanna had made of the admiral's living room. He had never seen the sheer destruction their daughter could inspire when given paper, mainly because Jim never had actual paper for her to use. He let her color on his padd, but he as a rule, never had paper for this exact reason.

Jim thought about agreeing with him just for the sake of pretending to be a good person who couldn't believe their child had created such a mess, but Pike, now sitting on the couch with Porthos cuddled up in his lap and changing the channel on the holoscreen while Jo wasn't looking, didn't seem to care. Jim would help clean up before they left, but for the moment, the mess wasn't what caught Jim's attention.

He returned his vision to the corpse on the floor. "Did you kill Archer?" he asked Pike.

That was when Joanna realized he was there. Her head shot up and around to the doorway and a shrill shriek erupted from her mouth, startling most everyone in the room, including Porthos, who barked, with its pitch and volume alone, and nearly causing Archer to jump out of his skin asking, "What is it?"

"Daddy!" Joanna hollered, standing up quickly and breaking her broken crayons even further. "Popsicle!"

Jim cast Bones an incredulous look as she ran over to them as fast as her little legs would waddle towards them. The doctor only sent him a self-conscious shrug before Jim bent down to pick her up, firmly ignoring his muscles' protests as he scooped her up off the floor.

"Daddy," she said again, burying her head under his chin, looping her arms around his neck. He nuzzled his cheek against the top of her messy brown curls, his eyes turning to Bones to continue giving him curious stares.

"Hey, Jo-bear," he said pressing a kiss into her hair. He stepped into the mess, his daughter still in his arms and Bones following closely behind them as if afraid of a misstep.

Archer slowly, very slowly, pulled himself off the floor and fell into a large, fluffy seat, covering his eyes with his palm. "Thank God you're here," he breathed.

Jim took a seat at the other end of the sofa and Bones took his seat on the arm of it, watching how Joanna burrowed further into the comfort of Jim's arms and probably looked up at Bones with her big wide eyes. Pike, still flipping through channels and petting a quieted Porthos, told the admiral, "They're just staying for dinner, Jon. Then they'll have to leave again." He paused for a moment, his lips curling into a cruel, cruel smile. "They're gonna leave Joanna with us again tonight."

There were three stunned 'what's from the crowd and the smile grew to near maniacal. "Yeah, they're gonna have fun-times tonight. Can't have fun-times with a child sleeping in the next room."

Jim didn't deny that that actually sounded like a pretty fabulous idea and glancing at Bones, he wasn't opposed to it either. They looked back to Pike who gave them a sly wink before Archer moaned from behind them. "I don't have the stamina for this."

Pike rolled his eyes, smirk still on his features. "Jon, if you can stare down an angry Vulcan woman, you can deal with a toddler for another night. Just think of what it'll do for the cadets' morale."

"The cadets should consider what they're doing to my morale. I'm exhausted," he whined.

"You've been dirtside too long, old man."

"Because I like sleep!"

Porthos moaned, dropping his head heavily onto Pike's leg. Joanna turned to look at him curiously, but had yet to wiggle out of Jim's grasp to go play with the dog. Jim was kind of glad for that. He wanted to hold her as long as she let him after being away from her for so long and apparently before being away from her for so long, again.

Pike scoffed, rubbing the dog's ear for a moment as he muttered, "And he says I'm addicted to sleep."

Jim smirked. "Nah, you're just allergic to morning."

Everyone except Pike laughed.

Joanna after fifteen minutes of being in his lap had decided she no longer needed his love and reassurance of life and crawled into Bones' lap for a few minutes, until her attention was none-too-shockingly called away by Porthos. Dinner showed up about an hour later, by which time Archer had fully awoken and gained some pleasantness. They ate in the living room after rearranging Joanna's scribbles. Bones wasn't quite so glary, though it didn't completely halt - not that Jim had expected it to.

Joanna, by the time Jim and Bones were preparing to leave again for the night, had declared Pike to be 'grampa' and Archer to be 'meany,' which had caused them all giggles for several different reasons. Jim had headed towards the room Archer said Joanna had 'pretended to sleep in' to check that she would be okay for another night visit. He had no doubt that she would be fine. Hell, he had packed enough for her to move in for a week, but it was better safe that sorry. Sellit lay on the bed, apparently forgotten for the first time in eons, and probably due to the dog in the living room. Her blanket was twisted together with a green microfiber blanket.

She looked to be all set. She had enough clothes and pull ups and she wasn't uncomfortable with the men playing host to her. They seemed to be able to keep her fed, and at least Archer had been able to control her attempts at destroying anything important, thus earning him the name 'meany.'

When he came back into the living room, Bones was standing with a few of Joanna's scribbles in his hand, most of the others missing from the floor. He had probably cleaned up a little for Archer and Pike.

Joanna was sitting on the couch, her eyes wide and mouth hanging open as she fought to stay awake. According to Archer, she hadn't gone to sleep until four and had woken when Pike arrived at ten thirty that morning. She hadn't taken a nap either, which meant she was probably losing the battle against sleep. The admiral had taken Pike's place on the sofa, and Pike leaning against the back of Archer's previous seat.

Jim waved at them, trying not to gain Joanna's attention as they left, just in case she started crying. He and Bones would be back to pick her up at ten tomorrow morning.

+ststst+

They had contained themselves for the cab ride back to the Academy and hadn't even so much as groped each other as they ran quickly across the grassy lawn, or through Jim's suite building, Jim's injuries and aches forgotten as Bones smiled lustfully at him. The moment the door slid shut behind them, however, and the security locks had been enabled, Jim pulled the doctor out of his t-shirt and all but slammed him into the nearest wall, attacking his lips and jaw with kisses meant to brand.

Bones was divesting him just as quickly. His leather jacket slapped against the floor with a heavy 'thud' and his cadet jacket was soon to follow. His own undershirt was a little harder to coerce off of him, seeing as his hands didn't want to leave Bones' warm skin and his lips were near glued to Bones' pulse point. The doctor got managed to shove it up to his armpits before he dragged well-kept nails down parallel to Jim's spine causing him to involuntarily thrust his hips against Bones.'

Simultaneous groans of pleasure were pulled from their lips and their eyes met in the lowered lights that Jim had left going last night and today. A feral smile pulled at Jim's lips and Bones managed to yank Jim free of the shirt, throwing it somewhere into the kitchenette, where they soon followed behind it as they pushed and shoved one another into the room.

Bones collided against the table; grabbing it for his own support as well as so the table wouldn't go anywhere. Jim already had his trousers undone, hands shoved down the back of them to knead Bones' ass and he worked hot, open-mouth kisses against tan, muscled chest. Bones' heavy breathing was nearly music to his ears and the short gasp he was awarded when was divine.

Jim removed his hands from Bones' pants as he dropped to his knees, his eyes watching the doctor as he pushed down his red pants that had no business looking as good as they did on Bones' ass. There was a minor problem when they got to the boots, but with the look Bones sent him, it was judged unimportant.

Neither of them took long the first time. It had been so long since their last sexual escapade and even longer since they had each other and that was the more important part. It had been_ so long_ since they had had each other. The excitement that this was who they had been dreaming of for nearly four years made it hard to hold back. Bones came gripping the table so hard his knuckles were white after only a few minutes and Jim not long after him, holding on to the edge of the seat and promising he would disinfect the entire kitchen tomorrow.

They had then taken a few moments to grab their clothes off the entryway and kitchen floor before Jim found canola oil on his counter, left out from the last time he had cooked. They had quickly taken everything to Jim's bedroom, dropping already forgotten clothing on the floor and kicking shoes and the rest of their clothing off. Holy God, Jim almost hadn't remembered how much Bones liked to ride him, or more importantly how good he was at it. Memories came back full force as he watched Bones above him and it was better than heaven to know that he had this man back again.

He didn't even consider what it would be like if they ended, only held tighter to Bones, his hands running over still tan skin and kissing as they moved together in a familiar rhythm that should have left them long ago.

Both spent and gasping recovery in Jim's bed, Jim started letting out small breathy laughs. Fuck, he felt good. He felt better than good, really. He felt amazing. Bones still lay on top of him, having yet to move onto the bed. His head was buried in Jim's shoulder, his breathing just as uneven as Jim's was. He seemed unwilling to let even centimeters come between them.

Gentle kisses pressed against his neck, and one of the doctor's hands slowly came up to massage the skin behind Jim's ear. "Laughter isn't appropriate right now, Jim," Bones said, amusement clear in his voice even Jim couldn't see his face.

"Whatever you say…" Jim's laughter doubled as what Joanna had called Bones earlier came back again. "Popsicle."

Bones bit him for that one, though it tickled more than anything else. Jim hunched his shoulder up to get Bones to stop, still chuckling as Bones growled, "It's better than 'papa.'"

Trying to contain his elated laughter and failing somewhat miserably, he brought his hands up to play along the broad expanse of Bones' shoulder blades, dancing and twirling designs under a cooling sheen of sweat and into warm, tan skin. "Where the hell did you come up with that?"

"From a play my mom took me too as a kid," he answered, finally lifting his head away from Jim's shoulder and reluctantly pulled himself away from Jim, causing them both to make noises of protest.

A silent few moments, in which Bones licked his way into Jim's mouth. His hands flattened against the doctor's back, rubbing firmly and pulling them flush as their lips and tongues danced a familiar tango.

The other shoe would drop. He knew that.

The other shoe always dropped, but for now, this was fucking awesome.

+ststst+

A/N: Ha! *smiles*

(hey macarena!)

InnocentGuilt


	13. Chapter 13

Jim was surprised when he woke up grabbing for Bones' hand that his hand was actually there to be grasped. The night seemed so hazy, so surreal, that he could hardly believe it hadn't been a dream. As he interlocked his fingers through the hand resting on his stomach though, he realized he hadn't dreamed it all up. He was with Bones in his bed, lying completely nude and sated…or well mostly sated. He still felt the pressing morning urge resting just inches below their laced hands.

The only thing missing was the even, but usually loud breathing shuffling the hairs on the back of his neck. Jim's brows crinkled. That was one of the most memorable things about waking up next to someone, Bones in particular. He craned his head around; trying to make sure the doctor was resting behind him.

"Oh, good. You're up," Bones said, readjusting their joined hands. It came off as more of a caress and Jim felt a shiver roll up his spine as he turned over from his side to his back. Bones was lying on his side, and in the early morning haze filtering through the window in Jim's room, his eyes blinked slowly as though he really didn't want to be awake, despite making it sound like he had been waiting for Jim to join him in consciousness.

Jim felt his lips curling into a small, content smile as Bones left his hand behind on his stomach to readjust, propping his head up in one palm. Jim took in all of the doctor's form, from his face, to his broad tan chest lightly covered with dark hair, all the way down to where the sheets drooped down over the curve of his sharp hips, barely covering the man's morning erection. His eyes flickered back up to Bones' hazel eyes, murky brown in the dim light of morning, and his smile grew. "I don't know a breathing man who isn't first thing in the morning," he replied lewdly.

The doctor gave a contented half smile, one brow hitching ever so slightly upward. He replaced his hand to Jim's stomach, stroking over the skin riddled with silver lines, his thumb deliberately tracing Joanna's scar. He smirked a little when Jim's lithe muscles contracted beneath the touch. "Mm, not what I was talking about, but that is also a good thing," he said, hand sliding further down under the sheet and blanket.

Jim at one point would have been able to keep up the conversation, even under Bones' ministrations, having always enjoyed frivolous things he could bring up during sex. It was still so new, though; still a novelty after so long without it. He only wanted to give himself over to the ministrations of skilled surgeon's hands, breathing in the moment before he lost his passiveness.

He grabbed Bones' hand, maneuvering them both around until Jim was straddling the doctor's hips, grasping both strong hands above Bones' head with his own. He smiled at Bones' slightly affronted mostly aroused expression, aligning their hips and grinding. That took the partially offended look right off Bones' face, giving completely over to lust as Jim set a steady pace. When his head fell back against the pillow, eyes dark and hooded as he watched Jim watching him and the expressions that took over his face, Jim leaned down latching his teeth into the junction of Bones' neck and shoulder.

Hands still trapped, and struggling half-heartedly against Jim's weight, Bones could do little more than groan, his hips trying to buck. Jim smiled against tanned skin, loving the gasping breaths that Bones exhaled against his hair.

The sunlight became more prominent and Jim's bedroom window accounted for it, transition film already muting the sun's rays. Jim released his grip on Bones' wrists, his movements growing more frenzied. The doctor's hands flew to his skin, taking hold of Jim's shoulders and holding on until they had both released, making another mess of themselves, not that either of them gave a damn.

Jim wasn't sure how he managed to do it, but he kept from collapsing over Bones, bracing himself against broad shoulders to watch Bones' face relax, his eyes slowly focusing as his breathing evened. He looked really relaxed, like ridiculously relaxed, the kind that only happened after orgasm…a really good orgasm if Jim did say so himself. What he looked like was really good! He looked amazing.

Jim slid to the side and off of Bones, mirroring their positions of earlier in the morning by resting his head in his palm and staring at Bones' mussed form with a_ fully_ content smile on his face, especially has his eyes landed on Bones' wild hair. It sort of reminded him of Jo's hair first thing in the morning, though her hair malfunctions were due to sleep, rather than sleep and uh…well…moving on, quickly.

He physically scrunched his face at that. It was completely innocent, though! Their hair matched perfectly in tone and for the most part texture and in early morning moments with their hair totally defying gravity apparently.

All of a sudden he wondered how crazy Joanna was driving Archer and if Pike was running his bitchy commentary on it. He also briefly wondered why Pike was staying at Archer's house. It hadn't struck him yesterday what with being so caught up in the prospect of 'fun times' with Bones that he hadn't noticed when Pike said that he and Bones would be leaving Joanna with 'them,' plural and with no input from Archer despite the fact that it was his house.

He was also rather surprised that he had managed to sleep so soundly without his daughter there. Back when he had been in Iowa, it had been like pulling teeth to let his daughter out of his sight for an entire night. He liked knowing that she was in the house, and he liked knowing that he would be there if she needed him. But Pike had all but said, 'I got this' and Jim had been off like a shot, trusting a crazy man and his partner-in-crime to watch his daughter and running off with Bones to have fabulous sex.

He wondered if that was some kind of cosmic premonition that he really did belong in San Francisco.

"Jim?"

He came back to the present at Bones' concerned tone to see his now focused murky green eyes staring up at him. "Do you think Pike and Archer are together?" he asked, because hell, he had only finished having sex_ maybe_ five minutes ago and though his brain was quick to do a lot of things after orgasm, connecting his filter to his brain was not one of them.

The doctor was silent for a moment, staring at Jim as if to say, 'yes, this is the man I'm sleeping with, and yes he did just ask that question…fucking win.' Then he let out a soft, breathy laugh of disbelief, shaking his head mostly likely at Jim's randomness. "We gotta work on your pillow talk, Jim. Last night it was laughter, this morning it's the relationship between Pike and Archer? You really know how to slaughter the afterglow."

Jim shrugged. "I've never done pillow talk."

"I remember," Bones grumped, but Jim could hear the underlying affection tinged with the smallest hint of regret. "But can you make an attempt to keep talk in the bed…oh, I dunno, not about them?"

He rolled his eyes. "Sorry. What d'you want to talk about then?"

Jim had a pretty good idea that he should have put parameters on the conversation choices, especially as Bones became still, regarding Jim as if he might bolt at any moment. "Well, you said you were a problem package yesterday in the cab. What made you say that?"

"I said _fucked up_ package wrapped in problem_ paper_." Like it really fucking made a difference. He shook his head, flopping down on his back with a heavy sigh. Where the hell did he start? There were a lot of things that made him say that. A lot of things that were honestly way too massive to just chat about. He turned his head towards Bones, asking, "Are you sure you don't just wanna take a shower?"

The doctor gave him a ridiculously patient look.

He swallowed thickly, unwilling to divulge his entire life to Bones just yet. He would tell him_ something._ After all, the key to a successful relationship was talking, or so Maggie Jay had told him three million times. It was probably the reason neither of them had been able to keep anyone around them. They just didn't talk. Still looking at Bones, he decided that this relationship wouldn't fail due to lack of sharing. Perhaps a lack of other things, y'know, the other biggies, like lack of ability to cohabitate, lack of ability to share feelings, something like that. But he could talk. He could tell Bones.

Jim took a deep breath and pressed on. "I don't know what I'm doing here. I've never been in a real relationship, and I've never had a stable relationship exemplified in my life. I mean the closest _normal_ relationship I think I've ever witnessed was between my old boss and his wife, and I say that loosely based off the fact that they see each other on a regular schedule more than anything else. I mean seriously, my mother-"

"Easy, Jim. Easy," Bones said reaching for Jim's hand. He hadn't realized but his voice had quickly become frantic and bordering hysterical. Jim blinked. "You're getting worked up and it's not even seven. It's a miracle you don't have blood-pressure problems." Bones shook his head, and started muttering nonsense into the silence that took over the room. It really was nonsense, too, because this close Jim hoped he would have been able to make out what the man was saying if they were actually words.

Despite this display of mental ineptness portrayed by his once again lover, Jim felt slightly calmed by the grouse about blood-pressure. Still Bones underneath it all, unruffled by anything Jim threw at him, just as he had been the previous month and a half. It was nice to have that continuity, to have that unyielding understanding. Jim felt the muscles that had tightened release just as suddenly.

Finally, he shook his head and a small frown pressed his brows downward. His hand around Jim's tightened as he said, "It doesn't matter if you've never been in a relationship before. Every relationship is different. You have to learn with each new one, so really we're learning how to be together with each other. Okay?"

"You're just saying that to make me feel better," Jim said, smiling as if to play it off as a joke.

"Only partially," Bones replied, letting Jim get away with his dodge. A moment where he considered Jim quietly, curiously, as well as with a myriad of emotions too hard to categorize in the dimmed room, and then he commanded, "Come on. Let's get that shower you were talking about."

Then Bones crawled out from the sheets and hopped off of the bed, taking Jim's hand and partially dragging him to the bathroom so that they could ready for the day.

+ststst+

They showered quickly, or what Jim would have considered quickly seeing as they were still lingering over each other's bodies, kissing and groping more than actually cleaning. Once they were finished, they set about cleaning their messes in the bedroom and kitchen. Bones gathered the sheets from the bed, refit it with fresh sheets just as drab and white as the previous ones, while Jim all but bleached the kitchen table and chairs.

He almost couldn't believe they had done that, not that he regretted it, but damn. Higher brain-function obviously lost to sperm retention syndrome and unresolved sexual tension. Those were basically the only parts of the suite that needed their attention so after they finished those tasks and had sent their clothing off to the laundry department, and Jim had been sent off on a mission to go procure clothing from Bones' suite; they wandered out into the city to scrounge for breakfast.

Ironically enough they ended up at the small at the small café that Uhura had mentioned to him so many weeks ago, the one where Jo had discovered her fear of carrots. They had never been there without Joanna, and he could think of very few moments when they had been _alone_, without Jo and the chatter of other cadets milling around them. Surprisingly it was…it was just as simple.

It was so easy to just be with Bones again, so similar to New Orleans now that Jim was willing to let their natural ease flow between them, but still different, new, and just a little trepid. Jim could still feel his doubts hovering close to his conscious. However, Bones had hardly changed in his demeanor. It wasn't like Jim had given in and they had turned into lovesick puppies. It was like all the other good times they had shared with their daughter and before in Louisiana.

The doctor didn't try to hold his hand, and he didn't give Jim moon eyes, and Jim didn't do that to Bones, though he wouldn't deny that he had moments where he would just stare off and let the realization that_ they_ were actually happening wash over him. They were just them, only a little easier. Apparently having a band around certain parts of their instinctive relationship had strained everything between them. Now it just was. The silence was comfortable and the conversations were even more so. Okay, so they stayed on mostly safe topics, but they did have one about future sexual escapades and the need for condoms and regular lube that did not come out of the kitchen.

That had been an interesting conversation turned hilariously awkward. The waiter, a lovely off-worlder with a slight violet tinge to her skin with snow-white hair, had stumbled in just as Jim had offered the idea of flavored lube. The poor woman had turned a delicate shade of indigo, set down their plates and run away as quickly as her two legs would carry her. He hadn't really meant to, but Jim had laughed at the scenario, while Bones glared at him.

By the time they left the little café, heading towards Archer's house after a quick comm. to make sure everyone was up and prepared for their 'invasion' as Archer had yelled from the background, it was close to nine. They decided to walk the distance to Archer's to give themselves just that little while longer to themselves. It would be a good long walk, they would probably end up haling a cab after so long, but for the moment they were content to enjoy the cool October air.

"So," Jim began; one hand in his jeans while the other swung loosely at his side to brush against Bones' every so often. "Are you still getting territorial urges when Pike is brought up or was your passive aggressive claim over me yesterday enough to quash that?"

The doctor snorted. "Passive aggressive? I was goin' for full on belligerence." He caught Jim's fingers for a moment, giving a gentle squeeze before releasing them with a sigh. "As for the 'territorial urges,' as you so eloquently put it, I doubt those'll be going away in any hurry." When Jim opened his mouth to speak, he quickly cut him off. "I'm not saying there'll be reason for 'em, but feelings like that don't just die overnight. And if you want my opinion, they're not completely undeserved. It may just be me, but he does seem pretty sweet on you."

"It is just you," Jim assured him, thinking back to yesterday and the startling revelation that Pike and Archer may not have the friendship of epic bitchery so much as a relationship of epic bitchery. Pike had seemed pretty cozy dictating Archer's life from the comfort of the admiral's couch. "I am almost eighty percent positive that he and Archer have something going on."

"Your point being?"

"My point being," Jim said with emphasis, "that I don't think Pike would go for a lowly cadet when he had an admiral to boss around. Way more status points."

The doctor shook his head. "The sad thing is I'm pretty sure you believe that."

Jim shrugged. "Well, that and the entire being the son of his dead friend thing. I'm pretty sure I'm out of his scope. He's like a father to me. I mean, Jo even equates him to her grandfather. Jo's perception of people hardly ever leads me astray."

He then thought back to the night not so long ago when she had asked why Bones didn't stay with them. At the time he had been at a loss for an answer to give her, and now he had the remedy to her question. Bones probably would be staying with them for the foreseeable future, up until the semester ended if Jim didn't manage to totally and completely fuck it up. Hell, maybe all the way up to summer if he had any luck at all. That would be a nice span.

It would be worth it.

Jim was sharply brought back to the present when he was shoved into an alleyway and pressed against the smooth cement wall. His eyes widened momentarily before lips pressed against his. Being caught unaware did nothing to slow his response. He tilted his head, parting his lips as the doctor's tongue swept against them. The slow slide of saliva-slicked muscles in his mouth was mind-numbing and without a doubt welcome.

He grabbed the zips of Bones' jacket, holding on tightly as the doctor raised his hands to cart through his hair, one massaging lightly on the base of his skull. Jim made a noise of approval, releasing his grip on Bones' jacket in favor of wrapping his arms around his waist, pulling Bones closer and soaking in all the warmth he could possibly manage. When that was not enough, he hitched the back of Bones' shirt, pressing his hands into skin, scrabbling to rememorize the way all of the muscles flexed and released beneath his palms.

Bones pulled away slowly, but Jim hadn't had enough. He continued pressing kissed along the doctor's stubbled jaw line, down his neck, asking mildly between each skim of his lips against tanned skin, "Not that I mind-" his blunt nails unwittingly bit into Bones' skin, dragging a sinfully delicious hiss from the older man's lips. "But what caused this awesome make out session in the alley way?"

One hand still buried in Jim's hair tightened ever so slightly, still pleasurable while bordering on pain. "You got that wild look in your eye," he explained, his tone alive with satisfaction and fragmented undertones of frustration; frustration at Jim, he surmised, not the situation in general.

Jim didn't quite understand what 'the look' was, and conveyed such with a simple yet efficient, "huh?"

Bones turned his face into Jim's brushing their lips again, soothing as if to counteract what he was going to say, sooth Jim before he ever felt ruffled. "That look…" he said softly into the skin of Jim's cheek. "Its always followed by a hasty retreat. Figured I'd give you something to occupy your mind with 'til it passed."

Jim pulled back, meeting the doctor's eyes evenly, seeing his own apprehension from minutes ago reflected back at him. He was terrified that Bones would leave him, and wouldn't you know it? Bones was terrified Jim would leave him. He felt a sort of disbelief that this man could think that_ Jim_ would be the one to leave, but he also remembered what Bones had said in the taxi yesterday. Jim wasn't the only one with problems.

Bones may have stayed with his wife until the desperate end, and he may have filed the divorce papers, but his wife had left him emotionally years ago. Jim wasn't the only one sticking his neck out on the line for a memory. He needed to remember that.

He flattened his hands against Bones' back, running as much of the doctor's spine as the offending shirt would allow. The apprehension eased a little, but not all the way. Jim continued the massage and put on his best smile, shocked when it felt natural and not forced. "That's really good tactics, Bones. Have you considered the command track at all?"

Apprehension, gone. Eyebrow, reaching for the hairline.

Jim shrugged, innocently, extracting himself from Bones' clothing. "Just a question."

Bones just shook his head, releasing Jim as well. "Come on," he commanded gruffly. "Let's go hail a cab."

The cab they flagged down was newer than yesterday's, and the seats were made of the newer gel rather than memory foam. It was much easier to move around in. The driver was human this time, looking all of twelve and for all Jim knew, he actually was. Kids could get a lot of things if they knew people in low enough places and knew the proper things to say when it was needed.

Jim gave the young man the address, and he tilted his oversized hat that did nothing for making him look older. Then the plexiglass partition went up in what felt like a blink, much faster than the older cab. With a quick glance over his shoulder, he took off into traffic with one rev of the electrical engine.

Bones was not enthused.

"Christ! What the hell is he trying to do?" he yelled as the cabbie weaved through traffic at breakneck speeds. "Are we in the Risa 6000? He can slow down! This isn't a race."

Jim just shrugged. "Just put your seatbelt on, Bones. At least, with him driving like this we'll get to Archer's in good time."

"Or not at all."

Jim looked over to the doctor after strapping himself into the comfortable seat. He looked nervous. Not nearly as nervous as he had on the shuttle ride. He strapped himself in just as Jim had, but didn't grasp at the restraint. He just looked tense, like he would prefer to tell the kid to slow the fuck down and perhaps brush up on the uses of side-view mirrors.

Jim tried not to look too amused.

+ststst+

They entered Archer's house on their own, both the captain and the admiral having been too lazy to come to the door themselves. When they wandered into the living room Joanna was standing in front of Archer's holoscreen, watching one of the older detective shows that Jim's step-father had liked to watch when he was a kid. Pike and Archer were on the couch, though with an entire cushion between them. Pike was looking at something on his padd, while Archer stared at the screen with a lot less enthusiasm than Joanna had.

Jim smiled at the scene, before he crouched down on one knee. "Jo-bear, is that a good show?"

She turned towards him, her curly brown hair tangled and knotted, flying around her face. A smile broke across her lips and she squealed, "Daddy!" She then ran towards him, toddling on her little legs that were still clad in her night clothes, and plowed into his arms.

He stood up, pressing a loud kiss to her hair. "Did you have a good time?" he asked her.

She nodded and launched into a story about her morning with 'grampa' and 'Mis'er Meany.'

Bones snorted when she called Archer that. Turning to the admiral, he said, "You've been promoted."

Archer, still staring at the television screen like his brains were slowly being sucked out, shook his head slowly. "I promoted myself," he said distractedly. "I figured as admiral I had the prerogative."

After listening to Jo's story, he handed her off to Bones, refraining from chuckling when she called him 'popsicle.' He wandered over to the chair left open and took a seat. He waved his hand in front of Archer's eyes, impressed when there was absolutely no response. Pike saw him out of the corner of his eye and set down his padd to reach for the remote. The captain switched the channel over to the news which caused Archer to visibly start.

"Welcome back, space man," Pike said with a smirk. "Did you make it out of the Sol Quadrant or did you get stopped by freight patrol?"

The admiral's displeased look was rival to Bones'. He glared at Pike for close to a full minute, before he quickly and decisively turned away from him, as if telling the captain without words that he would not be speaking to him for the next indeterminable amount of time. He turned to the two cadets in his room and asked as if he was requesting about the weather, "How were 'fun times' last night? Was it worth the torture I went through?"

Surprisingly, it was Bones who answered with a smug smirk on his face. "It was fantastic. All three times."

And as a testament to the type of crowd Jim now immersed himself in, Archer didn't even flinch. He just groused, "Better have been. Your child is a terror."

He had been sure that they were crazy, but each day made him realize they were crazier than he had originally anticipated. The look on Pike's face all but told him that he knew what Jim was thinking. Then suddenly Pike's face morphed into shock, then quickly into irritation. He reached down between his thigh and the couch and came back up with a collar with a beagle hanging tiredly from it.

He resettled the dog mostly onto his lap, telling it, "We have to work on your sleeping habits, mutt." Then he sighed, resting his hand on top of the dog's head. "Don't let him fool you. He enjoyed the hell out of Joanna's company."

Archer, still not looking back, retorted, "Don't let _him_ fool you. He's full of shit."

"We have a human recorder in the room," Bones said from behind Jim's chair. "You didn't talk like this the entire time she was here, did you?"

The doctor set Joanna down on the ground and she hopped over to Pike and Porthos to pet the dog. Jim watched her for a moment before looking up at Bones, who had leaned over to rest his arms against the back of his chair. He looked at Archer, somewhat pleading with them to tell him that he hadn't cursed around their two-year-old daughter all night and morning.

"No," Pike said pulling Joanna up on the empty cushion beside him. "I made Jon walk the dog when he threw temper tantrums."

"It was only fair considering I made him walk the kid when he threw his."

Jim laughed at them, asking through cackles, "Did someone switch your coffee to decaf?"

Pike re-shuffled himself on the couch, adjusting both the dog and the child that cased him. Then with a dissatisfied air about him, he said, "Jon doesn't keep coffee in his house."

Archer rolled his eyes. "You know I don't! You've been coming over here for years and I have never kept coffee. I can't have it anymore. I'm sorry I have ulcers, you overgrown brat."

Unsurprisingly, Pike grabbed one of the couch pillows and threw it at the back of the admiral's head.

Jim shook his head at the two of them. Then he looked up to Bones, mouthing, 'see?' The doctor nodded, his brows scrunching as he watched the two glare at each other. Then Joanna suddenly spoke up, telling Pike very seriously, "No throwing in th' house, grampa!"

Both the captain's brows rose, before wry smile broke out on his face. "I'm sorry, Joanna. I won't do it again." Then glancing up at Archer, he told her, "But Mr. Meany deserved it."

Archer turned to retaliate, but before he could say anything, Jim popped up out of his seat. "Okay!" he said loudly. "It's time to give you two some alone time." He was almost convinced this was due to some sort of denied sexual activities more than coffee, but he wasn't going to voice that now. He walked over to his little girl and pulled her from the couch, telling her, "Say goodbye to the grumpy old men, Jo-bear."

"Buh-bye!" she said waving her fingers at the two of them.

He went to the room she had stayed in, Bones following close behind him, and found the room in much the same state it had been in the day before. Jim changed Joanna out of her pajamas and into more suitable clothing, despite her feeble protest that, no, daddy, she didn't want to wear the purple jacket she wanted to wear Sellit's jacket—y'know, the one Sellit didn't have. Bones gathered up the blanket and toys behind him, then took the discarded pajamas and refit everything into her bag, all the while snickering at Joanna's protests.

Then they snuck out, only catching a glimpse of Archer hooking Porthos to his leash and Pike sitting on the couch looking the picture of the disgruntled significant other.

+ststst+

It was just like every other day, leading to a night like every other night. They took Jo to a local park for about an hour and a half and they took turns pushing Jo in a swing made specifically for toddlers, before helping her up to steps to the slide that she went down about three million times. After, they went to lunch then back to Jim's suite, where they lay Joanna down for her nap.

The nap was only about a half hour long, in which time they just talked about whatever came to mind, which was mostly Bones talking about what he remembered as a kid. Jim volunteered some information about his childhood, skirting around the desolate details, and talking about one of the few times his mother had been home and more importantly interested in her two boys, when she had taken the two of them to a water park in Ceder Rapids. Some bitter part of him thought that she had only taken them their in hopes that they would drown, but he kept that bitterness to himself.

Bones' childhood had mostly consisted of horses and trips to the hospital with his dad, who had apparently died not two months before he filed for a divorce from Jocelyn. Jim tried to give his apologies, but Bones had moved on before Jim could voice them, telling him about the time he had shanghaied the entire nurse staff in his search for his father, while his father had been looking for him and the nurses. It had been a very circular and ineffectual game of hide-and-go-seek where everyone was seeking and no one was really hiding.

When Joanna woke up from her nap they played games with her and watched some of her cartoons with her for a while. Then Bones and Jim both worked on some of the work they had, reading mostly, but writing down a few notes to the side of the texts. Somehow, it was easier to work on his homework and assigned reading when there was more than just him there.

In the past, he had only done schoolwork when it was just himself and Joanna, that one time with Uhura excluded. It had always been a hassle, too, but now it was almost the easiest thing in the world to do. Jo watched her cartoons, and when she wanted one of their attentions they switched between who would play with her, or get her juice and who would continue studying.

And Jim for the first time in probably six months decided to try getting Joanna to lay down for bed at ten. He picked her up and headed for the bathroom at nine-thirty for her bath and nightly ritual of brushing her teeth, all of which she did with minimal whining. She protested when he put her wet curls into a braid for bed, but that was only because it tugged her tangles when he ran her brush through them.

Then he carried her back into the living room and plopped her down on Bones' lap.

"Say goodnight to popsicle, Jo," he said with a snicker at the name Bones had awarded himself with.

Bones gave him an irritated look, saying, "You can stop that any time now."

"I know," Jim said happily, actually happy for the first time in he didn't know how long. He was really happy, all the way down to his core. He smiled at Bones to lessen the barb, nodding to their little drowned-rat of a daughter.

Bones kissed her cheek, and hugged her when she put her little arms around his neck. "Night, baby," he told her. Jim expected him to hand her back over, but instead he stood from his seat on the couch, telling Jim, "I'll put her to bed."

He nodded, and pressed a kiss to Joanna's forehead, giving her his own wishes of good sleep and a quiet command that she be good for 'popsicle.' He even refrained from chuckling at the epithet. When Bones disappeared into the rooms, Jim looked around, momentarily considering staring at his Battlefield Tactics test for a while longer, but he dismissed it. Instead, he meandered over to the computer station that had been sleeping for the past two days.

He was sure that Maggie Jay had called him three million times over the course of the weekend, but he hadn't cared to actually confirm his suspicion. He was still kind of stung by her accusation. It had faded considerably after waking up in the hospital, but he wasn't ready to talk to her just yet. The thought he would call her on Tuesday or Wednesday, when he had had just a few more days to let the steam cool off, but she needed to know that he wasn't cutting off their connection.

So, taking a deep breath, he walked over to the computer station and pulled up the comm. station. He was unsurprised to see that he had missed six calls from her, a little surprised to see that she had left no voice messages for him. He closed down that station, pulling up a blank screen for him to write her a letter. The missive was short, three sentences that basically told her that he was fine, that their friendship would be fine, and that he just needed a few more days.

He signed it, 'with love, Jim,' figuring that was appropriate and knowing that she would be soothed more by that than the message he had intended for her.

He sent it quickly, shutting the window afterward.

Wandering away from the console, he decided to see how Bones was fairing with Jo. He leaned against the doorjamb, able to see Jo's tired eyes drifting closed as Bones read to her from his position on the floor about space-pirates and treasure. The doctor had substituted the main character's name for hers, and probably changed the name of the ship if the name _USS Sellit_ was anything to go by, but she seemed to like it because she wasn't protesting. Even further she was fast asleep by the time Bones finished the story.

They both stayed stationary for a few minutes, Bones watching Joanna and Jim watching the both of them. Bones reached out to touch their daughter's soft cheek, running his thumb across her brow, and Jim smiled, stuffing his hands into his jeans pockets. Jim felt his heart melting just a little when Bones leaned over a pressed another kiss to her forehead, whispering something Jim couldn't and didn't need to hear. He had a pretty good guess as to what was being said.

Bones stood from the floor, turning to exit the room and realizing Jim's presence for the first time with a start. One of his hands moved from his side as if to clutch his heart, but with an expressive eye-roll and a sigh of relief he let it drop back down to his side.

"Dammit, Jim," he said, voice barely above a whisper. "Don't sneak up on people like that."

He set the padd he had been reading from on Joanna's dresser on his way to the door, still shaking his head at the both of them. Jim didn't move from his position as Bones moved closer, just took in all of Bones, from his tamed hair to his socked feet. He looked comfortable, like he belonged there, in Jim's suite. He smiled ruefully at that thought, because that was how the doctor had looked for the last month and a half; Jim just hadn't seen it.

He found himself wishing, close to desperately in that one moment, that Bones would always look that, because part of him wasn't sure if he could take it if Bones left again.

"Hey." Bones stood just in front of him, eyes leveled on him curiously. "You okay?"

Jim met his eyes, smile that had turned pained falling from his face. "You're…uh, you're staying here tonight, right?" he asked, hoping he didn't come off as clingy, but really not ready to let Bones out of his sight just yet.

The doctor regarded him for maybe have a second, concern flickering over his features and lingering in his hazel eyes. He nodded, quietly commanding Joanna's lights off before pushing Jim back into his bedroom.

That was where it parted from being like every other night. Jim brushed his lips against Bones', needing the reassurance that he had this, that he wasn't dreaming this. When he pulled away, the sensation still dancing over his skin, he smiled again, content once more.

"We have to wear clothes tonight," he told Bones, his tone teasing and just a little remorseful. He really had liked the naked part of their slumber the previous night. But while Joanna wasn't prone to nightmares, it was best not risk it.

They stripped down to boxers and t-shirt and clambered into bed together, Jim leaving his worries on the floor with his jeans as Bones kissed the back of his neck and rested his hand beneath Jim's t-shirt on his stomach.

+ststst+

(okay now what you're gonna do is you're gonna dance…only you're gonna do it from ten stories in the air)

InnocentGuilt


	14. Chapter 14

Monday shuffled around with something new waiting for Jim and Bones on their padds. Apparently - as it was explained in the message received - after a few weeks of classes, cadets were expected to start putting their knowledge into 'practical' situations. Obviously, they didn't start out with simulations. That would be like throwing an infant out in the ocean and hoping it learned how to swim sometime before it drowned. So, instead, they got word problems…goodie.

Each specific question was designed specifically for a track, and not just the track but the field of study particular to the cadet. As Jim was specifically specializing in tactical, his question had to do with a typical scenario whether he should choose plan A or plan B should cliché situation between a Federation ship and Orion war ship crossing paths arise, and please be sure to include the reasoning. If the look on Bones' face was anything to go by when he found his scenario was anything to go by, his question wasn't much better.

Jim had tossed his padd away from him. Cadets had the day to formulate their answers, though Jim didn't see how it could possibly take the entire day. His answer was half formulated in his mind already. If it hadn't been for the fact that he only had another fifteen minutes alone with Bones before he woke Joanna and another fifteen minutes after that until Bones left for his first class of the day, he might have thought about answering it there and then.

As it was he was more interested in feeding his little girl and talking to Bones for the thirty minutes they had before they parted ways. Joanna, Jim noticed, was visibly more exuberant when she realized that Bones was there again. Jim had actually had to shut the bathroom door to get her to brush her teeth, and he barely managed her curly hair, which had actually been inherited from his runaway mother. After she was ready for the day, she followed Bones around, even going so far as to ignore her show.

Bones hadn't minded in the slightest. He held an early morning conversation with her, asking her to repeat her alphabet with an enthusiastic smile on his face. Jo had known her alphabet for a few months now, probably about six, and knew the sounds each letter made. Jim supposed it just never got old, listening to a toddler recite the alphabet. He certainly couldn't keep his own smile from smothering his face when she ran half the letters together into some made up word.

Joanna had been quite upset when Bones had to leave back to his dorms to dress before heading off to his classes. She had run up to the door after it had swished closed, crying for 'popsicle' to come back. Jim had felt bad for his little girl, but he couldn't help the small chuckles that had erupted from his lips when she kept moaning and staring at the door with fat tears running down her cheeks as he assured her that she would see him later.

He smirked to himself as he entered into his last class of the day, his most boring class of the day, Intergalactic Ethics. His only consolation was that he was indeed being seeing Bones afterwards and that Uhura would probably be waiting to assess him. He stepped in through the doorway, looking immediately for his… he felt firm enough in their odd bitching to call her his friend…so yes, his friend.

Uhura was at their normal seating, speaking with the Tellarite that normally sat in front of Jim in his home language. She seemed to be enjoying the conversation, an air of contentment settling around her. Jim loped up to his seat at the end of the row, sliding into it with a contented sigh, even as Glaf gave him a dirty look. He was still unforgiven for that one time he had accidentally kicked the Tellarite in the back of the head.

He turned to Uhura with a pleasant smile as she regarded him curiously.

"You're still here," she said pleasantly.

He shrugged. "Sorry to disappoint. I know you were looking forward to the boredom that would have assaulted you had I dropped out."

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, my life would be in ruins without you here to irritate me constantly."

"And yet you were the one who sought me out at the hospital," he said with a smug smile. "C'mon, Uhura, you like me a little bit. You can say it."

A reluctant smile tugged at her features as she turned to face the front of the classroom, where their professor would be joining them in less than two minutes. "I wouldn't go that far, Kirk."

Not out loud maybe, but Jim was feeling pretty wanted since the previous Saturday. He let her have her way, his smug smirk still on his face as he too turned towards the classroom's front. The instructor entered in through her own private entrance attached to her office and began the boring class in much the same way she always did, a boring introduction to the chapters they would be going over. Jim pulled out his padd from his pocket and pulled up his 'Scenario of the Day' problem, as he had decided to call it.

He was a little upset that it didn't take more than thirty minutes to answer, but before he could pout, he received a message from_ Uhura, N. N._ He glanced beside him to see her scrolling through her own padd, actually paying attention to what the professor was saying and making random notes off in the margin of the page she had pulled up. She was, pretty much, pretending like she hadn't just sent him a message over their padds.

He opened the message, distantly taking some satisfaction over the fact that this was the first time they had contacted each other outside verbal communication and even more satisfaction over the fact that she had been the one to send it.

The message asked simply whether or not he had made amends with 'Len.'

He hunkered down into his seat, trying not to smile at the fact that, yes, yes he had and that she was curious enough to ask.

He replied with,_ 'So, your first name starts with N?'_

He had to refrain from snickering when she made a noise of disgust, slapping her padd down on their table. She turned to him with promises of torture flickering in her eyes. He only smiled, no longer smug, but secretive as he gave her a small nod in acknowledgement to her original question. He was surprised when a small smile took her lips as well, and she nodded, before turning her attention back to the teacher.

Obviously, that was all she needed to know.

+ststst+

The next day, after another morning spent with Bones in his company, Jim hung back after his advanced hand-to-hand class with Pike. He had a good thirty minutes until he had to be at his next class and fully planned to spend it harassing his counselor. That was what he did most Tuesdays and Thursdays after their class had finished, though Jim didn't always pester the older man. Actually, most times, Pike regaled him with stories of anything he could think of, from his previous second-in-command, who was apparently beyond being a no-nonsense-woman and closing in on being tyrannically in control, to his time at the Academy with George, and once even a story of how he and the admiral had met.

Today, though, Jim was definitely hassling the captain. After the weekend and the pissy argument the captain and Archer had almost had, Jim just couldn't let it go. He wanted to know if Archer and Pike were seeing each other, and more importantly, how they managed to keep it so under wraps. It had never even crossed his mind to consider the two of them as an item. After all, the second conversation he had ever heard between the two, they had asked why the other wasn't dating. They hadn't seemed to like each other in a way other than platonically.

Jim hummed thoughtfully as they took a seat on the green padded floor. Supposedly they were supposed to be cleaning up, but usually they just flopped down wherever they had been standing when Pike dismissed the other cadets. Alright, well, Jim flopped; Pike folded himself neatly, because he was, quote, old, end quote.

Pike settled on the floor a few feet away from him, his legs folded and his elbows resting on his knees. He raised his eyebrows toward Jim at the hum he had made, curiosity evident in his eyes as he regarded Jim. "Something on your mind, Jim?" he asked.

Jim regarded him, his mind working to figure the chances of him getting the answer from Pike by blunt inquisition. Somehow, they didn't figure that well. Pike wasn't necessarily secretive. The man practically made all of his plans and thoughts and memories available to him, but his personal life, dates and family members, aside from his sister, had never been brought up. Jim honestly wasn't sure how the captain would respond to this probing. Perhaps a roundabout approach would work best.

So, Jim started talking about the class that he helped Pike with. He talked about some of the students that were having problems and the students that were doing really well, and the students that were doing really well but still having problems. Pike looked like he was on to Jim's game, but he spoke with him easily. Slowly but surely, Jim built them up to personal life, telling the captain about how he and Bones were fairing with their relationship, new as it may be. Then, Jim, feeling that he had buttered Pike up, asked, "So what's going on between you and Archer?"

Pike must have been expecting something like this, because his eyes, which had been narrowed throughout their conversation, suddenly widened with understanding. His lips pursed, and he just shook his head. "You know, I'm a little surprised it took you this long to ask."

Jim shrugged. "I was a little too self-absorbed to notice the goings-on of others earlier."

He was man enough to admit that. He wasn't necessarily proud of it, but he knew he had been focusing on himself and how he was going to get Bones to not love him. Now he was fine with letting it come naturally, if it came at all, and he did still have to remind himself that their relationship was not doomed from the start. Hell, Bones made it pretty damn clear that he wasn't going to be letting go of Jim, made it clear that he was scared of losing him. They had a marginally good chance of sticking it through…

He smiled encouragingly to Pike. "So…ya gonna tell me?"

The captain rolled his eyes. "Jon and I…" he paused as if thinking of the best way to describe them. "We're_ kind of_ seeing each other." Another pause, then he nodded to himself, content that that was the best way to describe his relationship with the admiral.

"Kind of?" Jim asked after a moment. He understood the premise. Maggie Jay had 'kind of' seen a few men over the course of their friendship, but when she had said it, it had implied that she was having sex with the guy and other than that she tended to forget that they even had names. Somehow, Jim wasn't seeing that kind of relationship between Pike and Archer.

The captain readjusted, leaning back on his hands and regarding Jim curiously. "Is there a particular reason you want to know the details of my admittedly not-so-romantic life? Shouldn't you be focusing more on your new relationship with Dr. McCoy?"

"I can multitask," Jim said offhandedly.

Pike sighed. "Well, what do you want to know?"

He lay down on the floor mats, making himself as comfortable as possible, like Joanna getting ready for a bedtime story. He smiled up at Pike, resting his hands behind his head. "Explain all that you can in the next fifteen minutes," he requested in the form of a demand.

The captain, for a moment, looked like he was sad that Jim didn't have a pillow to rest on, namely because that meant there was no pillow with which to suffocate him. However, he resisted the urge to just strangle him with bare hands. Instead, he gave Jim the basics of their 'friendship with benefits,' which in Jim's opinion was actually just a relationship without chains. Jim had known they were hard pressed to be seen without the other, just from general sightings of the two of them around the campus, but it went beyond that to spending a few nights a week with each other, usually at Pike's house that way the captain could have his coffee. Jim did not ask about their sexual relationship. There were some things that he didn't need to be scarred by.

The only thing that the populous at large would consider 'unorthodox' was the fact that when Pike was off planet they 'saw' other people. Jim didn't know about anyone else…well, he knew of at least one or two other people who had the same opinion as him, but that sounded pretty reasonable. After all, off world missions tended to span anywhere from six months to five years. It would be unfair to ask someone to go that long without, though Jim apparently could go six months without, but five years? That was pushing it.

"So, basically," Jim said, as he pushed himself off of the green flooring, readying to go to his next class. "You_ are_ in a relationship with Archer, it's just modified to the careers the two of you have?"

Pike, hoisting himself up and looking every bit like he needed a walker, nodded. "I guess you could say that." Dusting himself off, he regarded Jim patiently. "Has your curiosity been appeased?"

He nodded happily.

The captain smirked. "Good. Now get to class. Story time's over."

It was times like this that Jim sometimes found himself wondering how he went from a family of two, to a growing family close to totaling six in only a month and a half.

+ststst+

Later that same day, Jim sent Bones off to gather Joanna from Sandcastles, and returned to his suite, slowly filling with Bones' clothes and padds, to call Maggie Jay. It had been five days since he had last spoken to her, his message aside. She hadn't returned a message afterward, letting Jim have his space. He figured they had gone long enough without talking. He was still a little irritated, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it had been before and not enough to keep him from talking to her. So, he entered her computer console's contact number, and took his seat.

He only waited maybe fifteen seconds before her face filled the screen, her red hair up in a sloppy bun and a large t-shirt hanging off her frame. She looked tired, and Jim thought maybe for the first time in their long friendship that he had woken her. When she saw him, her green eyes, bleary with sleep, cleared instantly, and a small smile graced her face. "Jim," she said happily.

He smiled back. "Hey, Maggie."

"Where were you all weekend?" she asked, worry filling her eyes.

He sighed, rubbing his forehead with the palm of his hand. Then with a small, breathy laugh, he told her, "You're not going to believe this."

Her already thin lips disappeared when she heard that. She tilted her head to the side, physically signaling him to expound on why she wouldn't believe his story. Jim didn't hesitate in jumping into the story, knowing they wouldn't have long before they were joined by Bones and their daughter. He told her about going to the bar and the xenophobes that had attacked him. He skimmed over the damage they had done, telling her that he had ended up in the hospital for observation, and he sure as hell didn't tell her about the doctor that had screwed up his medication, nearly killing him in the process.

He left out the part about Uhura, but told her about Bones' and his conversation and implied assertion that they were seeing each other again, watching in delight as she pieced the clues together and that same maniacal smile took over her face. She listened quietly, her facial features showing all that she had to say, from her unhappiness with the doctors to her excitement that he and Bones were back together.

"Wow," she said, leaning back in her own chair. "That really is…" A burst of laughter escaped her lips. "That could only happen to you Jim."

Jim nodded along to her laughter, his smile still on his lips. He didn't ask for her to apologize. Hell, he couldn't apologize half the time and he admitted that she had only been trying to help, even though there was a big difference between tough love and shoving someone in front of an emotional train. Talking to her now, he felt most of his irritation drain away from him. They were back to being themselves again, and it was easy to just_ let go_ of her transgressions.

"So, where are they now?" she asked, looking around in the small area she could see behind him as if they had just faded into the woodwork.

"Oh, Bones is picking up Jo from daycare. They should be here in another ten minutes or so," he said after a quick glance at the chronometer. He was already planning on keeping her on the line so that Joanna could talk to her for a while. In the mean time, he inquired as to how she was doing with her new doctor friend.

"Oh, Nick's fine," she replied with a small sigh that denoted that_ she_ was unsurprisingly getting bored with_ him._ "Apparently, he wasn't prepared to deal with my moodiness this weekend. You know, I've never actually been in an argument with you that I couldn't just pester you into liking me again. It did bad things to me, Jim. Bad things."

He scoffed. "I never stopped liking you, Maggie Jay. I just…I wasn't ready to talk to you." He shrugged, somewhat apologetically, but mostly in a way that stated that was just how it went. "And if he can't deal with you when you're moody, he probably shouldn't be following you around at all. Your mood-swings, predictable as they might be, still aren't pretty when they do occur."

She laughed. "And you would know, you poor, tortured man. I don't know how you managed me for three years."

"I think I was actually the worse one to be around," he replied with a smile. "And you're still better than Winona."

Rolling her eyes, her lips disappeared once more. "Everyone is better than Winona," she told him, her eyes settling on him with meaning and just the slightest glimmer of guilt. And that was her apology, all they would ever say on the matter again.

Jim nodded, and she mimicked him, understanding passing between the two of them.

Then, Maggie Jay shifted the conversation again. "Speaking of Kirks, your brother called me on Saturday. You forgot to tell him you had moved. I checked your old console and you have a message and two transmissions from him."

Jim's brows shot up. "That's a lot of attempted contacts," he said with amazement. "I talked to him back in July."

Jim and Sam only talked every three to four months, having little to nothing in common, but unwilling to lose that last person of blood relation. Their grandparents were dead, and Winona was just as good as. Even though their visual transmissions were sometimes stilted, and their messages to each other were short, they were all they had left of their family, all they claimed to have left of their family.

She nodded. "Yes, for his birthday. He told me."

"Well, what did he want?"

"For me to tell you to call him as soon as possible."

Jim rolled his eyes. "I know you read my messages. What's this about?"

She had the good graces to look affronted. "I don't_ always_ read your mail. You don't rule my every breathing thought." She paused at his skeptical look. Then with a grudging tone in her voice, she gave in and admitted that she_ had_ gone through his messages after Sam had called. "He's getting married apparently. He wanted to tell you the date so that you and Joanna could come and everyone would have a chance to meet properly. He's getting married in spring sometime. You should still call him and let him know your new contact information."

"Yeah, I'll do that, Maggie Jay," he said, momentarily distracted by the idea that_ Sam_, his brother, was getting married, had found someone who could put up with him long enough to decide to get married. Not that Sam was a bad guy, but he tended to have even worse antisocial tendencies than Jim had, and he didn't have a kid to use as an excuse. He was bordering on being a hermit, preferring to study his science texts and journals rather than even go shopping.

When last Jim had talked to him in July, he was ungodly thin and looked unkempt. He had made no mention of having met a woman or even having left the house in the previous two weeks before the call had been made. Where the hell had he met a woman and why had she decided to put up with that?

The door opened off to Jim's right, allowing the sound of his eagerly chattering Joanna and placating Bones to reach his ears and by proxy, Maggie Jay's.

"…but th' ball was'n th' boy's it was…it was th' doggie's and th' doggie was sad when th' boy took it 'way…" Joanna was talking quickly and her words were running together, which was probably why Bones could only manage an 'uh huh' every so often.

He heard Joanna's bag as well as the unmistakable sound of Bones' heavier medical kit being settled just next to it.

"Jim, we're home," Bones called, just over the unceasing chatter of their daughter. Some part of Jim worried that Bones was already calling his suite home, despite knowing he probably called it that for Joanna. It worried him because he liked the sound of it, liked hearing Bones say that.

He left it for another time, choosing instead to call out for Joanna. "Jo-bear, Ms. McCurdy is on the screen."

The story stopped instantaneously and small, but loud footsteps thundered the short distance from the door around the small partition between the entrance and the living area. She ran up to him, crawling into his lap to look at the woman on the computer screen, yelling, "Ms. 'Curdy!"

Jim held her loosely, his hand steadying her as she wiggled around, looking just moments away from tumbling onto the floor. Bones paid her a salutation, giving her a pleasant enough smile and a friendly wave. He nodded to Jim as well, before he moved off into the bedroom they were currently sharing to change from his red over-shirt into a t-shirt, which, as Jim had discovered, was usually the first thing he did when he was 'finished' with the day. Jim was pretty sure he had smiled in welcome, but with his brother hovering at the back of his mind, he wasn't sure.

+ststst+

Wednesday he sent his brother a message with his new coordinates and contact information. He also asked Sam not to call just yet. That he would call a little later in the month after a few, admittedly, made up problems died down. Mainly, he just wanted some time to think before they spoke. He didn't know why he had to think so hard over any of this.

Yes, Sam was getting married, but that was no sin. Lots of people got married every day, and his brother should, by no means, be excluded just because he was a little withdrawn. Even the length of time within which Jim estimated they had been dating was better than some. He had heard stories of people who had married after only having known each other for six hours. He supposed Sam had the capacity to woo someone in just a week. Jim was almost sure it was a Kirk charm.

However, Maggie Jay had said that Sam wanted to meet, and that was what Jim deduced was really the problem of all of this. He hadn't seen his brother since he was fifteen. For that brief week before he had demanded that he was fine, Tarsus hadn't ruined him, and that Sam could go back to wherever it was that he had run off to when he had run away a year beforehand. Now, of course, he knew that Sam had gone to New York, where he had lived for close to nine years now. He wasn't sure what to do with the idea Sam wanted to see him, really_ see_ him now that they were both somewhat stable.

Jim had been fine to live the rest of their lives as they had been doing; only contacting each other every four months. He thought they were doing well, just like that. They never argued. When they spoke there was always something new to speak of, even if they hadn't always spoken that well to each other. Jim had been quite fine to just go on like that, but he couldn't in good conscience turn down Sam's request to attend his wedding, not without feeling exactly like their mother. And he_ did_ want to meet his brother's significant other, make sure she was good for him.

He sighed rubbing his hand over his face. He felt his newest tension headache pulsing behind his eyes, having started Wednesday and progressed all the way into Thursday. It was damn near taking on migraine proportions and his only thanks were due to the fact that the day was nearly over.

He sat on the couch, trying his best to keep the symptoms to himself as Bones put their daughter to bed for the night. Ten o'clock again for the third night running, Jim was pleased to note. Perhaps by the end of the semester they could have her on a regular toddler's schedule and have her to bed by eight. He didn't hold his breath, but it was a nice thought. Jim also hoped that by the semester end he could get her to eat a carrot again.

In his hand, he held a padd containing all of Harrigan's notes and problems. They had met for his tutoring, as scheduled, in the library around five. Bones had once again been sent to gather Joanna and had been alone with her for most of the night. Jim was trying to pinpoint a lot of the errors that Henry had made to better get a grasp on what he would have to approach and more importantly_ how_ he would approach them.

He was only now getting to this due to the fact that most of their short hour in the library had been spent with Jim chatting and Henry slowly adding in his own tidbits of information. Towards the end, the cakette had enough ease to bring up Jim's previous weekend, apparently having gained respect for Jim adequate to offer his service should anyone ever try to pull that shit again. Jim was, to say the least, flattered, but when he spoke of such flattery, the cakette only said it would be too difficult to find a new tutor. Jim was beginning to think that he couldn't talk to people who weren't verbally abusive towards him.

He sighed again, squeezing his eyes shut as the ache gave a particularly sharp throb and tilting his head back to rest against the back of the couch. His headache was getting so bad he had almost been reduced to lying down in bed the second he came through the door, but the moment he had seen Joanna running toward him he just couldn't bear to do that. So, instead, he had suffered in silence, playing a few rounds of hide-and-go-seek with her, where she was always hiding and he was seeking while Bones did some work for the professor he was TAing with.

He heard Bones, before he settled down on the couch beside him. The holoscreen, which had been blaring as background_ screeching_ while Jim was looking over Henry's notes, was switched off and Jim just barely managed to peel his eyelids up again. What met his sight was the concerned gaze of Bones, mixed with irritation.

"You have these headaches often?" he asked gruffly.

Jim swallowed, looking away from the doctor, who of course would have known that he had a headache; why had he even pretended? The ceiling was too bright, sterile white and glaring artificial light at him. Shaking his head dismissively, he answered, "It's nothing, Bones. It'll go away when I sleep."

"You slept yesterday and it's still here."

Well, shit! Caught again.

He closed his eyes against the glare of the white ceiling tiles. "Don't worry about it. They're just tension headaches. I get them when I'm feeling stressed."

He wasn't surprised when Bones grabbed the padd out of his hand, tossing it gently onto the coffee table or when the lights were dimmed to thirty percent. He was surprised when he was bodily pulled from his position against the couch and turned to relax against Bones' chest, warm and inviting even through layers of their shirts. He felt Bones' warm fingers press against his temples, massaging lightly. Jim groaned, caught somewhere between pain and relief and all but melted against the doctor.

He felt Bones exhale against his ear. "What's got you so stressed, Jim?"

For probably the first time ever in his entire life, Jim didn't hesitate to open up about his life. He cleared his throat, eyes still shut and told Bones slowly, "I have a brother and he's getting married. Rub harder."

The pressure on his temples increased marginally. "I fail to see the stressor in this. Care to explain?"

"He wants me to go to the wedding and I haven't seen him since I was fifteen."

A few minutes passed where Bones just continued to massage his scalp and it was nice. Jim almost felt the need to fall asleep, but he knew they weren't finished just yet.

"Fifteen," the doctor said after their long pause. "That's eight years you haven't seen each other. Any particular reason?"

Drifting in a comfortable haze, Jim didn't care to really answer, but he didn't care to really lie. "It's a long story, Bones. We just…we had a rocky childhood. Lotsa shit just…just_ happened._ We've never really recovered from it all." He cleared his throat. "Can we talk about it another night?"

"Sure, Jim."

Jim felt his headache releasing after so long of Bones' ministrations, but he couldn't refrain from wiggling just a little. He smirked a Bones' breathing hitched. "Y'know," he said a little smugly. "I've heard sex is a great way to relieve headaches."

His teeth caught the curve of Jim's ear in a playful nip. "You think you can be quiet?"

Jim laughed, but stood from the couch, turning to see Bones looking up at him with a quirked brow.

"I think I have the right incentive," Jim said quietly, pulling the doctor from the couch and tugging them chest to chest. Grasping the back of Bones' head, he brought their lips together, slowly dragging them toward their bedroom.

+ststst+

(i hope you dance)

InnocentGuilt


	15. Chapter 15

Jim came home the following Friday, Joanna in his arms. She chattered happily to him, telling him about her castle she had built, and how she was going to be the king. Jim had tried to tell her that female rulers were generally referred to as queens or empresses, but she didn't take any notice. She told him about her castle and how she would have pretty clothes and throw pretty balls. Apparently, daycare was giving her more frilly girls to play with and she felt the need to imitate.

"So, you're not gonna be a pirate anymore?" he asked as the door whished shut behind him. Not that he didn't appreciate her effort to become king of whatever it was she wanted rule over, but being a pirate was generally cooler. Lots more action, much less politics.

She looked up at him with her sweet eyes and smile frozen on her face. She nodded, her curly brown ponytail bouncing. "Yeah, daddy. I'm gonna be a…a…King-Pirate."

He laughed lightly. "King-Pirate Joanna. Y'know, it has a nice ring to it."

He set her down on the floor, giving her cheek a little pinch and then sending her into the living room. She turned on their holoscreen while he wandered into his room, intent on ditching his cadet jacket for the day in favor of just lounging about in his worn t-shirt. It hadn't been a hard day, per se, just…shit, it seemed to drag on forever. He didn't necessarily know what it was about that specific day; usually he was content to just listen to the din around him and the drone of his instructors.

He smiled at the wholly rumpled bed and the accents in his room that definitely didn't belong to him. Day after day, there was marginally less surprise when he woke to find Bones curled possessively around him. The novelty hadn't worn off of course. Each morning he woke to that warm grasp, and he still held Bones to him as well. He felt just a little of himself become more comfortable in believing that this could work each time Bones referred to Jim's suite as home.

That wasn't to say it was all rainbows - Jim would be a little freaked out if it were. Ever since Jim had told him about Sam's marriage, Bones had been pressing for his background information. The doctor wanted to know what was up between Jim and his hermit of a brother, what caused such a long, silent period between their last face to face meeting and present time. Some of it was easy to explain, his absent mother and waste-of-molecules step-father. Some of it…some of it he would rather not, Tarsus IV springing instantly to mind. It wasn't that he thought Bones would treat him differently, and he would if only a little bit, but mostly to do with the fact that even after eight years, Jim hadn't recovered from it - had only learned to cope with it.

Still, he let Bones probe, and in between sidestepping and actually explaining and expounding bits and pieces of his life, Jim had gotten just as much information about Bones' family. He learned a little more about his father and mother. The doctor didn't talk much about his father's death, only hinting briefly that David McCoy had requested medically assisted suicide. His mother had died way back, as Bones had said, when he was thirteen. She had been older, forty-five when she had Bones, and had a heart malfunction that she had never taken care of properly, not even when she married David, and her heart had just failed one night.

It was a hard give and take and sometimes they fell off to sleep with a discomfited silence hovering around them. When morning broke through the windows, though, they always left their nighttime conversations for the night ahead, where after a day to regroup, they were ready to carry on.

Jim heard a clatter in the living area. He carelessly threw his jacket in the general direction of nowhere to go see what Joanna was up to, calling as he went, "Jo, what are you doing?"

Her instantaneous and near innocent reply was, "Nothin'!"

Jim didn't believe it for a second and as she came into his view, staring with wide eyes at a pile of padds, which had been on his desk and were now_ mysteriously_ on the floor. He gave her a stern look. "Joanna, what were you doing around daddy's console?"

She shrugged, her little hands tugging at the hem of her sweater. She didn't look up at him directly, but instead up from under her long, dark lashes. She mumbled, even worse than she did when she was tired. She thought she was in trouble. Jim gave her a gentle shake to get her attention. "Look at me when you talk, Jo-bear. Your shoes don't need to know why you were at my console. They were there."

She huffed but did as he said, pushing her fly-away hair away from her face, she looked up at him with a pouty face that was more his than Bones' and told him slowly and clearly, "Miss 'Curdy was flashing. I wan'ed to talk to her."

It took Jim a few seconds to comprehend what that meant, but eventually it came to him. His console must have signaled an incoming transmission while he was in his room. Joanna must have been trying to press the accept button when the padds fell. Jim sighed quietly. "Next time come get me, okay?"

Joanna nodded and he gave her a gentle scoot back towards the holoscreen. She didn't go so easily. She ground her feet against the wood flooring, her petulance coming out with her bottom lip. "I wanna talk to Miss 'Curdy!"

"You will," Jim said with another shove, but she crossed her arms at him giving him a look that was so Bones it was almost ridiculous. "We're gonna have to talk to popsicle about this look, little miss," he said, suppressing a smile.

Her stare mixed petulance with confusion but she still didn't move. Jim looked around for a moment finally zeroing in on one of his padds, one obviously older and a little banged up. It was one of his from Iowa and if it was on his desk it was probably something to do with starships or shuttle schematics, hell possibly even his downloaded files on Relativistic Physics. However, since it was from Iowa, it was likely to have an application for coloring pages. Joanna loved coloring pages.

He snatched the padd from the pile and pulled up the application with flourish. He presented it to her, compromising, "Color this for Ms. McCurdy and then we'll call her, okay?"

That would give him enough time to decipher if it had actually been Maggie Jay or one of his professors.

She stared at him for another long moment, weighing her options like the little genius she was, before she took the padd and climbed up on the couch. Jim watched her as she fumbled momentarily with the stylus, then as she tapped the color she wanted to begin with and began scribbling across the screen. Certain that she was occupied with her coloring he turned back to the mess of collapsed padds, sorting them into manageable piles between his collection and Bones'. Finally, he turned his computer console and pulled up his missed transmissions.

It wasn't an identification number he recognized. It was from a Laurent, Aurelan. Ph. D. He didn't know who she was, and had certainly never met a woman from Oregon. Vaguely he thought that Helen right about now would be commenting on the fact that he had never remembered the name of any woman in his life, but he did. He remembered them all, some of them more hazily than others but he always knew their name. Aurelan was definitely not one that sprung up in his memory.

There was no recorded message waiting for him, which the Academy offered for the cadets, though not for all other consoles. Older computers had applications one could download so that callers could leave recorded messages, but otherwise only voice recordings could be left.

Jim decided to ignore it, double checking the time. It would be about seven in Iowa, and Maggie may be at work, but since moving to California he was never exactly sure when she was working. She had been switching schedules so often, for dates, and for coworkers, and just because, hell, she just didn't feel like fucking working on a Monday that it was hard to keep up with her. He tried her anyway, estimating that he only had maybe another five minutes before Jo pestered him into it.

She answered after a minute and Jim noticed immediately an oddity. She was not even dressed. She had a robe on. Maggie Jay was very odd sometimes, but she was normal in her clothing standards. Adding to this confusion, her hair was dry and she didn't look like she had been ready to enter the shower. She looked bedraggled as well. Jim's mind went to dirty places.

"Did I interrupt something?" he asked with a lewd grin.

She gave him a dirty look, one that said he would toast in the fires of hell the next time they were in person. His grin instantly faded. Had she been in the midst of something sexual or even a little bit pleasurable, she would have wasted no time in sharing with him. She may have drawn it out a little, but a full glare…something was wrong, passing oddity and going straight to problem.

"Maggie?" he asked.

She waved a hand at him dismissively. "It's nothing, Jim," she said with a hoarse voice. The hand she had waved at him struggled through her tangled red hair. "It's just been a rough few days." She cleared her throat, her eyes glancing toward Joanna, a meaning hidden well within her gaze. "Michy was asking about you earlier today. She wants to know when she gets her calls."

Jim was concerned. "Hold that thought, Maggie," he told her as he went away from the console and over to Joanna. "Hey, Jo-bear?" She looked up at him. "Will you go into your room for a few minutes? I need to talk to Ms. McCurdy in private for a few minutes."

She nodded without hesitation, as opposed to the few minutes beforehand when she had been stubborn as a mule. She took her padd and stylus and hopped off the couch with a small 'oomph.' As she passed the screen, she waved excitedly at the woman who had helped in her caretaking for near all her life.

When she was safely in her room, Jim programmed some music to play for her in an attempt to keep her attention occupied. With that done, he turned back to his friend. "Does this have anything to do with that doctor guy you were seeing?"

Maggie Jay gave a harsh laugh. "Oh, Jim. No, it has nothing to do with Nick."

A few seconds. "Then what is it?"

She sat down at her seat, putting both of her elbows on her desk and resting her head so heavily in her hands that her cheeks all but eclipsed her eyes. "My life is desolate."

Jim tried to keep it together, but in the end he couldn't. A small chortle escaped his lips, and he didn't even try to cover it up. Her face and her sentence and combined and_ oh my God!_ "What?" he asked through his amused laughter. She was glaring at him, but he could hardly care. If he had done that to her she would have been out of her chair by now.

"Well, it's true!" she said haughtily. "Life is so boring here!"

"Maggie! It's been that way since its first laws were written. What kinda shell have you been living in?" he asked, astonishment not too far out of his tone.

"Apparently yours!" she yelled at the screen. "Ever since I moved to Riverside all those years ago my life was lived through the joy of hearing your stories the next time I saw you."

He couldn't believe he had to send Joanna to her room for this. This was not a problem…well, not the problem he had imagined. She was lonely and it was understandable, but the way she had carried on he would have thought her world was ending. He sighed, trying not to play this disproportionately "Maggie…"

"I'm moving," she said abruptly. "I'm moving to California. I never realized how awful it was to be away from family. I'll be there before the Spring. I just have to get a few things in order and then I'll be over in no time."

"You did just hear what you said right?" Jim asked, looking at her with a hint of disbelief hovering in his voice. "Are you sure you're not jumping the gun, just a bit? You're just…experiencing empty nest syndrome or something."

She scoffed. "Oh bullshit! I'm bored as hell and I don't want to be here. The fact that you happen to be in California is just a bonus."

He shook his head. "Why don't you think on that for a week or so?" he suggested.

"I thought about it all damn day, Jim. I've made up my mind. I'll be there by Joanna's birthday, okay?"

He didn't even argue with her. He just laughed. "You wanna talk to Jo? She was all excited to talk to you earlier. She even colored you a picture."

Her eyes lit up, and Jim didn't doubt that she would be in California soon.

+ststst+

The Aurelan Laurent woman called again several times over the next week. Jim had ignored them steadily as most of the time the transmissions came at times when he just could not take them. They usually came while he was in classes or just before getting home with Joanna and Bones. Even over the weekend, this person had called when they were out for something or another. With November crawling steadily towards them, they each had more and more to do at the Academy with both their own essays, and essays they graded for the teacher they were assisting. She had called a few times while they were at the library, juggling studying, grading, and keeping Joanna from wandering off too far. On Sunday, she had called while they were at a park.

Bones had noticed this caller, having forwarded his calls over to Jim's suite when he missed three of Professor Felding's -the man he was TAing with - calls. He briefly inquired about it to Jim, but after Jim explained that he had no clue who she was and honestly expected her to have the wrong coordinates the doctor dropped it from the discussion pallet. Instead, he grew steadily annoyed with the caller. He wanted to send her a transmission or a message explaining that she had the wrong number. Jim only said he'd tell her when and if she called at a time he was available to answer.

Bones sighed from behind him as he pulled Joanna's jacket onto her arms. "Seriously, Jim. This woman must have called fifty times in the last week. Are you sure you shouldn't just put her out of her misery? What if there's an emergency and she's tryin' to get a hold of a family member?" He crossed his arms over his chest, sending the console a frustrated grimace. "Are you sure she isn't from one of your classes?"

Jim shrugged. It was Thursday and they were getting ready for the day. Bones was already prepared, leaving in little less than ten minutes. Jim had decided to drop Joanna off early so they could walk some amount of the quad together. "I suppose she could be, but if she wanted a date that badly she should just come up to me in person." He pulled a cute, little, purple hat over Joanna's ears and braided pigtails. She'd probably pull it off at some point, unable to stand the itch on her hairline. But if he could keep it on her while she was outside he'd be a happy camper. When he turned around Bones had turned his glare to him.

"Your attempt at humor has suffered a horrible, gruesome death, Jim," he said blandly.

"It's suffered worse." He turned around to see Joanna pulling her little cap down over her eyes, tilting her head up to see the two of them. Jim gave her a tap on the head, mild irritation at her messing up her hair so early in the day. He stood up from the floor, scooping Jo up as he did to let her watch some more of her cartoons before they left. When she was firmly engrossed in her show, he wandered over to the doctor with a happy smile on his lips. "Y'know, Bones, I kinda think you're jealous."

"I kinda think you're cocky," Bones retorted with an amused roll of his eyes. "Your swollen ego could probably do with a hypospray or two."

"It's your fault."

"I have nothin' to do with your inflated ego, Jim."

Okay, he really didn't. Jim had always been cocky, had never really stopped. He tried not to overdo it around Joanna, and he had been way over his head with Bones, but the cockiness was there. He supposed he was finally feeling like himself again that he could joke with and tease Bones and not feel like the world was going to fall down on top of him.

Bones raised his eyebrow at him, arms still crossed over his chest. "Are you gonna call this lady back?" he asked tossing his head back towards Jim's console.

"Sure. I'll call her back over the weekend," Jim said to appease him. "But if she asks for a date…" He put his hands up implying that it was out of his hands.

Bones sighed, but leaned in for a quick kiss, before he grabbed his jacket. "Come on. Let's get out of here. Jo-bear, come here, sweetheart. We gotta go."

Joanna came running over to them, though her eyes stayed on the holoscreen until the very last second. Jim thought about going to turn it off but the holoscreen was programmed to turn off after a few hours on the weekdays. So, Bones holding Joanna and her bag in his hand, they went out into the morning air. Jim had already forgotten about Aurelan Laurent, Ph. D.

+ststst+

That night, he was coming back from tutoring Henry, whom he had began calling Eight half way through the session because, really, Henry was a horrible name. That and the cakette had briefly mentioned that he was the youngest of eight children They had gone over the weak spots Jim had found in his notes and his equations the previous week and Jim was pleased that Eight had taken to Jim's new technique and approach to the notes quicker than either of them had expected. He still stumbled to be sure, but all in all he was doing much better than before.

In between explaining, while Eight had been reworking the problems and pouring over some of his other notes, Jim got him to open up about his life a little. Jim had poked fun when the cakette had told him that he was from Alaska of all places, and Eight took it well, much better than Jim would have expected him to. Of course, being the youngest of eight children it did make sense to Jim. It also made sense why he was such a scrapper. Honestly, of the four cakettes, it had really only been Eight who had gotten a good hold of him.

Jim shook his head, a small smile on his face.

He never expected to love San Francisco so much and he really hadn't expected the city to be so kind to him either. People he had started off on the wrong foot with took to him well, Uhura, Eight…okay, those were the only two, but it was better than it had been in Iowa, where if they didn't hate him to his face then they hated him behind his back. Not to mention, he was talking to and sleeping with Bones again. It still sometimes surprised him how quickly life could change. It sure as hell shocked him how one decision had made everything else so much better.

He just hoped it stayed that way.

The errant thought flittered through his mind, but it was easy enough to quell. He was about to step inside his suite where Bones and Joanna were waiting and, hopefully, something to eat. He had been so busy today that he hadn't eaten lunch. He jogged up the stairwell and over to his door, smile still intact as he keyed in his code.

The sound that met him was that of his little girl's evening cartoons. That was not uninvited, however, he heard Bones just on the other side of the partition making halted conversation with…_ someone_. His face crumpling in confusion and curiosity he quickly stepped into the living area to find Bones sitting at the computer desk. He looked uncomfortable, apprehensive; his left hand squeezed his right compulsively.

"Hey, Jim."

He whipped his head up to the computer console for the first time. "Sam…what are you…I mean," his gaze flicked between his brother and Bones, and he put on a smile, more for himself than anyone else. "How are you doing?"

His brother was still thin, painfully so, looking gaunt and like he hadn't received any sleep in weeks, but he also seemed as if he had kept up with himself a little better. He was clean-shaven, though with a moustache over his lip that almost immediately made him think of his old boss, Marc. His longer hair was brushed and pulled back, not wild and tangled as it had been for his birthday. He looked rather acceptable and honestly Jim wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. He was used to seeing Sam look ragged; this was just a shock to his eyes.

"I'm doing pretty good, Jim," Sam answered and he kept himself in character by his inability to smile as well as the inability to completely meet Jim's eyes. His accent held more of his time in New York than Iowa these days, but his bad Standard was purely him. "So, uh, how you been? You didn't return my calls."

"You called?"

Bones spoke up from his position in the seat still looking just as uncomfortable as when Jim first entered. "Dr. Aurelan Laurent is his fiancé, Jim."

"Oh!" he said with no small amount of surprise. "Sorry, Sam. I thought you were still in New York. How long have you been in Oregon?"

Sam looked upwards toward his ceiling, which Jim for the first time noticed wasn't actually Sam's ceiling. The room behind his brother was completely foreign to Jim's eyes, possessing none of the clutter that had always occupied Sam's apartment. It wasn't necessarily neat, but compared to what Jim used to seeing it was almost sterile.

"Oh, I've been in Portland for, like…a week, I think? Maybe two?" It wouldn't surprise Jim if Sam didn't actually know how long he had been in Oregon. Science was always on his mind; there wasn't much room for anything else. "I sent a message to your padd. Didn't you read it?"

"Sam, are you sure you actually sent me a message?" Jim asked skeptically.

He wasted no time answering. "No. No, not entirely. I should really make a habit of 'To-do' lists."

There was a drawn out pause in which the three of them just kind of looked at random objects that caught their attention. Jim fixated on Bones' hands, left hand still reflexively grasping his right in a tight grip before releasing. Out of the corner of his eye, Joanna stood too close to the holoscreen projection, but he didn't call her on it, not yet at least.

"Your uh, your…Leonard was telling me about San Francisco," Sam struggled out, uncertain what to call Bones, almost as much as Jim was. "What d'ya think of it? How d'ya like being in," he took a deep breath, "in Starfleet? Does Joanna like it?"

Jim shrugged, feeling a niggling in his chest. Sam, if it was possible, hated Starfleet more than Jim had. He hated that their mother had been more enamored with her career than her children and that she hadn't even returned when Jim finally made it back from Tarsus IV. It was easy to see that Sam wasn't necessarily thrilled that Jim had ended up there, and that some minute part of him worried that Jim would suddenly somehow morph into Winona.

"It's not that bad. So, far everything is working out well. Joanna is having a grand time. She's in daycare at a local center so she's been making a lot of friends." Jim wasn't sure if that was a satisfying answer for his brother, but it was the best he could do. He didn't think any amount of explanation would be good enough for Sam and really he didn't want to try. Instead, he re-routed the conversation. "How long have you and your fiancé known each other? I don't remember you talking about her in our last call."

"We've known each other for…" he searched around the room as if that would help him remember, as if he could see the memory files in his brain. Jim should have known better than to ask that question. "You know I really wish she was here. She's so much better than I am with dates. Erm, I think it was August we met in. Yeah, that sounds right. The trees looked like those old copper pennies Grandpa Kirk used to collect from the shuttlecraft view."

Jim nodded, leaning against the back of the computer chair. Bones looked up at him, his look something torn between begging to escape the awkwardness Jim was sure they were exuding, and like he wouldn't be ripped from that chair if he was paid. Without thinking he gave the doctor's ear a tug.

When he turned back to Sam, his brother was looking at Jim uncomfortably. Jim cleared his throat. "Okay, so where'd you guys meet?"

That he had no problem answering. Sam forgot a lot of things - time, mediocre things, telling people he had just packed up and moved - but he didn't forget where he had been. "We met at a seminar in Manhattan. It was over universal botany. The speaker was presenting a new hybrid between…" He went on about something poisonous found on a Class M planet crossed with some verbenas plant here on earth and how it made a tincture that strengthened the immune system to the point where it was almost impossible to even catch a cold. He used a lot of fancy words and the actual botanical names of the plants involved. Jim kept up really well, he always did, but some of the processes used when directly over his head, though Bones looked like he was with Sam all the way.

Apparently, Aurelan and he had sat together and she was an herbal pharmacologist or something like that and had been especially interested in the tincture it could make and they had debated over whether it had to be ingested or if they could engineer the mixture to be made into a hypospray injection. It really sounded super boring but Jim kept that to himself. If Sam was excited about anything other than science Jim probably would have had a seizure.

As it was he nearly had one anyway when Sam said that before moving to Portland he and Aurelan hadn't seen each other for two months. That was to say their time together had totaled maybe a week beforehand and the two weeks Sam had been in Oregon.

"You moved clear across the_ country_ for a girl you knew for a week?" Jim was impressed…and a little worried for his brother. "Wow, Sam…that…that's…"

"She wants to come down and meet you two weeks from now," Sam interjected, finally looking Jim in the eye with anxiety written all over his thin face.

Jim could practically feel his entire body freeze.

+ststst+

Jim sighed as Bones shuffled under the blankets after him. They were going to bed early. Well, originally it was just Jim going to bed early. He laid Joanna down, read her a story and when she was still awake after the story, looking up at him with big, awake, blue eyes, he set some soft, melodic music on for her. It had drained him. He was already drained from his conversation with Sam, but it had just tipped it all over. He had returned to the living area, where Bones had been straightening some things up and probably forming some plan of attack or something. After mauling him and maybe kissing some of the life out of him, he had just gone to bed.

It had almost been a shock when Bones entered the room after him, shucking his uniform down to his underwear and crawling in after Jim. The doctor had turned Jim over onto his back, curled around him and rested his head against Jim's chest, draping one arm loosely around Jim's waist. Jim felt a small smile curve his lips again and brought his hand up to run through the doctor's dark hair.

In the comfortable dark of the room accented by soft orange light and bathed in the soft beat of the music in the suite, they breathed comfortably. He could tell that Bones wanted to talk, and he would stay awake for it despite the fact that he wanted nothing more than to sleep until Joanna's birthday. He knew they should talk; they should talk about a lot of things before Sam arrived, because Sam had no problem with bringing up Tarsus every now and then, randomly. Bones should probably know about it before his brother started drilling him to make sure he didn't have post traumatic stress disorder.

He wouldn't bring that up tonight; it had been stressful enough without that. It would be better if they did that earlier in the afternoon. Jim thought that maybe they could do that next weekend. Perhaps they would leave Joanna with Pike and Archer for a night and Jim would just tell Bones and whatever happened, happened.

"Sam seems nice enough," Bones said quietly between the musical chords. It sounded awkward. Bones probably hadn't been too enthused with him; more to the point hadn't known what to do with Sam. Not a lot of people did.

Jim shrugged as best he could with a full grown man resting on top of him. "Yeah. He's not half bad."

"Has he always been so…" Bones trailed off unsure how to categorize Sam. Jim didn't make him try.

"Flighty?" He asked before shaking his head. "No. Well… not as bad. He's always had a one-track mind, always forgot about minute things like brushing his hair, turning his shirt right-side out, things like that. He grew into insomnia, though, so it's gotten worse. Can't really blame him for not telling me he moved, though, I hadn't told him I was in California. In that, we are pretty much identical."

There was a long pause, and Jim really, seriously toyed with the idea of falling asleep. Bones was a comfortable weight on his chest; Jo's music was soothing. He was almost under when Bones started speaking again.

"How do you feel about him coming to visit?"

Jim swallowed, ran his hand across Bones' neck. "Like my stomach is about to drop out." Mostly for the fact that Jim didn't want to have to talk about things that he_ would_ have to talk about. He didn't say that. He gave a soft laugh. "Y'know, I'm more nervous to see him again than to meet his fiancé."

"You don't seem especially pleased about that either."

"They've only known each other for two and a half months, had only really dated in person for three weeks…" Jim trailed off, knowing he sounded hypocritical.

Bones apparently thought so, as well. He pushed himself to his elbows, looking up at Jim from under his lashes. It was kind of creepy; in the half-light of the room his eyes gleamed from shadowed hollows. Most unnerving, so Jim chose, instead, to focus on his lips, heart-shaped and speaking words that made Jim melt. "I knew you for three days and spent the next three years idling over your memory."

"_We're_ not the norm, Bones. What happened between us in New Orleans and what's happening now doesn't happen for everyone. And on top of that_ we_ are not rushing out to get married." Jim sighed, dropping his head onto his pillow to stare up at the shadowed ceiling tiles. "I guess I'm worried he's not thinking this all the way through."

"I think that's a sound worry, Jim, but they'll be here in two weeks." Bones scooted up until they were eye level, which was still creepy, but the proximity eased it a little. "Why don't ya wait to meet her? She could be perfectly matched for him."

Jim didn't argue. Bones could be right. Hell, when Jim was panicking, he tended to lose arguments close to all the time. Aurelan was probably a wonderful person, and she could very well be the perfect person for Sam.

Bones settled in beside him, still pressed against him and sharing his warmth.

Jim cleared his throat. "You don't have to-"

Actually, Jim didn't have to; didn't even have to finish his sentence. Bones cut him off sharply, demanding, "Shut up, Jim. I'm going."

He inhaled, exhaled slowly. Bones' hand strayed to his stomach, signaling that it was now officially time for sleep. They didn't immediately drop off, of course. Each stared into some distant corner of the orange-tinted darkness, breaths even and measured, keeping pace with the music in the background.

+ststst+

(waltz with me)

InnocentGuilt


	16. Chapter 16

Jim didn't say anything about Sam coming to visit for the next week and Bones thankfully seemed to understand that he just wanted to think on his own. They lived in a relative silence broken only by Joanna's delightful chatter and the ambient sounds that always seemed to be running in Jim's suite, such as the television or music of some kind, just playing some games with their daughter or working on their schooling.

Jim had asked Archer on Wednesday if he would mind watching Joanna with Pike for the weekend, and aside from grumbling about heathen children and their offspring, he said it was fine. He also said Jim had to grade all of the essays that were about to be handed in, but Jim was fine with that. It wasn't as if it would take him that long - an afternoon, two at the most, and that was if Archer actually made him grade all of the essays.

Friday, after Jim had escaped the evil clutches of Intergalactic Ethics, and Uhura had mentioned flippantly that her roommate was being rather curmudgeonly, he picked Joanna up and took her over to Pike's place, having acquired the address from Archer. She didn't seem to mind, showing more interest in Porthos than Jim retreating out of the house.

He returned back home to find emptiness and clutter. Bones had shift on Fridays and though they were supposed to end at five, Bones usually was corralled into staying at the medical center until seven or eight. He would have the suite alone to himself for two to three entire hours, which would be a good thing. Jim had decided that he would tell Bones about Tarsus IV today, and give the doctor enough time to digest the information before Sam came to San Francisco. He needed those hours to himself to formulate how he would bring it up and more importantly to steady his nerves.

He had never spoken to anyone about Tarsus, barring some officials and his brother. He didn't even remember those conversations, not with clarity. When everyone had drilled him for information he had been half-drugged and mostly starved. He drifted in and out faster than the tide. All he remembered were the vague faces and monotonous uniforms of the officials and the guilty face of Sam sitting beside his biobed.

He wasn't even sure where to start.

He wandered into their bedroom, thinking vaguely on what to do about the impending Tarsus conversation, as well as wondering whether it would be beneficial to just move whatever else Bones had in the other suite into his. Bones was almost never at his apartment. Sure, it may be moving quickly but Jim found that he liked the idea. He didn't like being away from Bones anymore.

He thought briefly about the repercussions about what would happen if they broke up, but for the first time he was able to dismiss the thought as nothing more than a pessimistic thought, a fleeting consideration.

Jim felt a sort of light-heartedness in that. He worried, but that fear wasn't eclipsing.

It was part of what made the idea of telling Bones about his past a little easier to grip. He didn't want to, but when he did, it would be okay. It would be awkward; Jim expected that. It probably wasn't easy to be told that someone you know…someone you love, was part of a mass genocide that had been reported as nothing more than a colony-wide crop failure. There would be questions,_ so_ many questions, and Jim wouldn't be able to answer them all. The important thing, though, was that Bones wouldn't go anywhere, would fall asleep with him at night and wake up with him in the morning.

He could do this. It was what he told himself, and he found that it was easy to believe. The 'how' was the only problem. How would he bring it up? How would he explain it? How would he tell Bones that he wasn't entirely over it, but he wasn't necessarily held back by it? If Bones one day asked about his food intake, would Jim be able to tell him that he just forgot to eat without it weighing down on Bones' mind that he had been starved for near seven months and that was why he sometimes spaced out on meals?

Bones was a fiercely caring man. Would this hurt him more than benefit him?

Jim took a deep breath. He didn't want to hurt Bones.

He sat down on their bed, piling the pillows so he could lean back on them. Relaxing against the cushioned headboard, he tried to clear his mind. The more he tried to think about this the more he would doubt whether he should, not whether he could, and he needed to. Sam would not be dissuaded, not even if asked to keep the questions at bay. Sam could barely remember to make sure the clothes he was wearing were clean. Remembering to not ask questions was practically beyond his comprehension.

He didn't realize he had fallen asleep until he felt the bed shift around him, hand skimming across his right pectoral over his shoulder.

"You should undress," Bones said in a hushed voice.

Jim barely opened his eyes, but a sleep-muddled but nonetheless lecherous smile curled his lips. "I like the idea of that."

"I'm sure you do," he replied humorously. Through Jim's half open eyes he could see Bones lean closer to him. He closed his eyes, intent on simply feeling as Bones brushed their lips together. Jim's smile didn't diminish in the slightest. He pulled the doctor closer to him, earning a small grunt for the action. "Easy, Jim. It was a long day of leaning over. My back's killing me."

"Lay down then."

He snorted. "I was working on it before you distracted me."

"Not my fault."

Bones pulled away, pulling his cadet jacket, which had been opened but not discarded, off to lie uselessly on the floor. Jim watched his own private show, his eyes lingering appreciatively as Bones removed his undershirt, revealing taut planes of his naturally tanned skin. He flicked his eyes upwards, catching Bones' gaze.

"You gonna join me in this or are you gonna sleep in your uniform?" Bones asked, a wry smile turning up the corners of his lips.

Jim watched that smile, feeling his stomach flutter. He suddenly wondered if perhaps he should wait until tomorrow to tell Bones. He was so relaxed now. In a good mood, despite his long shift, and looking at the clock displaying the time it had been a_ long_ shift. Jim didn't really want to spoil that. But they were picking Jo up tomorrow afternoon, and Jim wanted some of the turmoil out of the way.

Jim stood too, quickly stripping out of his cadet reds. He hesitated getting back in bed, instead reaching for the drawer next to his bed, where all of their after-dark, early-morning essentials lay. He pulled out their massage oil, still sealed in the original wrap they had bought it in. Jim couldn't think of a better time to put it into use.

He turned to Bones, rearranging Jim's wall of pillows. "Leave it, Bones," he commanded, causing Bones to look up at him curiously. "Just lay down…on your stomach."

Bones stared at him a moment longer, which made Jim gesture at the bed with a hint of impatience. Slowly, a little cautiously, the doctor did as he was told. Jim crawled onto the bed after him, straddling Bones' thighs and fiddling with the wrapping on the bottle. The scraps of plastic joined the rest of their scattered mess of clothing and whatever else they were always just a little too busy to pick up.

"We should clean up tomorrow," Bones muttered, the words slightly slurred by the pillow his face was in.

Jim leaned to kiss the back of his neck. Then, sitting back up, he poured the liquid onto Bones' back, smirking to himself when the muscles twitched at the temperature difference. The doctor took a deep breath, probably to grump and Jim about warning or warming the oil before he dumped it on his skin. Jim didn't give him the chance, putting his hand to work, rubbing the oil into tense muscles and all but ripping a gratified groan from Bones' throat. The noise shot straight through Jim coming to rest in low in his belly.

Swallowing against the arousal stirring up inside him, he continued to knead, smiling softly as the oil heated between their skin, pulling soft sighs from the man beneath him. Jim again wondered if he should maybe just tell him later, some different time when Bones wasn't so relaxed. His hands slowed, fingers working harder to release knots.

He sighed. "Hey, Bones?" He was returned with a grunt. "I need to tell you something."

Bones shuffled himself, folding his arms beneath his head. "What is it?"

Jim opened his mouth to say something, but he found the words reluctant to leave him. Bones looked so relaxed, so pliant beneath his palms. He didn't want to ruin it. He really didn't. He was going to though. It was now or never.

As Bones shifted beneath him, worry hinting on his forehead, Jim plowed on, pushing more of his weight on to the doctor to keep him still.

"What do you know about Tarsus IV?" he asked softly, seemingly unable to get his voice above the hushed tones.

From the angle Jim was at, he could see Bones' forehead wrinkle in confusion then concentration. A few moments given to the sound of Bones' deep breathing. "I remember hearing bits and pieces of it on the newsfeeds. Massive crop failure that left four thousand dead, very few survivors."

That was what the newsfeeds had said, and in just the slightest way it was true. There was a crop-failure, and thousands had been left dead, but the two were not necessarily synonymous.

"The Federation covered it up," he said slowly, watching how Bones took that small sliver of the truth. There was nothing, save for the slightest tensing around his shoulders. "It was a mass genocide. There was a crop failure, but most of the four thousand deaths were ordered by the governor of Tarsus IV."

"Why would the Federation cover something like that up?" He didn't understand and it wasn't like Jim suddenly expected him to. He supposed he sounded a little paranoid, talking about cover-ups so suddenly, out of nowhere from Bones' perspective.

"The President personally appointed the governor of Tarsus IV. Shook hands with him and everything before he left an entire Earth colony in his hands. Then he didn't do anything to stop the genocide, not that many thought he knew about it. I sure as hell never did. Kodos was pretty good at keeping the relations good. He also had the outbound messages filtered. Regardless, though, four thousand people died due to Federation negligence. That looks pretty bad on a rap sheet."

"Why are you telling me all this?"

Jim could tell it was almost falling into place. He knew he should just outright say it, but as ready as he was, as much as he_ knew_ he could do it, he still didn't quite want to. He answered Bones' question, feeling the awkwardness he knew would happen, having felt it building during his explanation of the cover up. "Sam is coming into town and he likes to bring it up and I thought it would be better coming from me than from Sam."

"Sam likes to talk about Tarsus IV being a cover up?"

"Don't say it like that," Jim said heavily. "Tarsus_ was_ a cover up. I know."

Silence, heavy with understanding. It had fallen into place for Bones. The doctor pushed himself up and Jim let him, sliding off and onto the bed easily. Bones sat up, his shoulders, still slick with oil Jim hadn't worked all the way into his skin, catching the soft artificial rays of their room. His eyes were tight, narrowed on him. "You were there."

"All seven months," he said with a nod, watching as something in Bones' face crumpled just the slightest bit. Jim had known he was too caring, had known this would hurt Bones, nearly as much as it hurt for him to remember. "I was actually there for a year, but the last seven are what stick out." Jim turned away from Bones' face, his teeth clenching just a little to keep some of the stronger emotions in check. "Look, I just wanted you to know. That way if Sam brings it up you won't be shocked. Okay?"

Bones pushed off the bed completely, searching through the mess to find a comfortable pair of jeans. For a moment, Jim wondered if he had been wrong. He didn't understand how he could have been, but he did wonder if this would be the final straw. As if somehow Tarsus IV would officially be too fucked up for Bones to deal with. Jim felt a flush of anger and a striking need to get in the doctor's way, but it ebbed as Bones came back to the bed.

He sat down on the bed, much in the same fashion he had been before he put his jeans on, but somehow it was different. Apparently, the jeans meant that he was officially prepared to deal with all of this. Jim could almost understand that. Clothing acted as some sort of barrier, something to help ease the onslaught of what Jim had just told him.

They sat in a few more moments of loud quiet and Jim waited patiently. Then, Bones asked slowly, his mind still working to sort, "Can I ask you something?"

Jim shrugged, his movements a little jerky. "Only if you understand that there are some things I can't answer."

He nodded, hesitated, pushed forward anyway. "How old were you?"

"I was fifteen when I got back. My mother sent me when I was fourteen." Even he heard the odd sting in his voice, even after so many years. It wasn't like she knew what would happen, no one could have.

He thought about Winona, and then spared a thought to the family he had lived with for that year that he was an 'exchange student.' They had been normal, functional in the loosest sense of the term, but somehow so perfect to Jim. He remembered being torn between anger that they were so amazing and awe, because they had accepted him into their home easily. It had been Ms. Sato and her two daughters, nine and ten when he met them and both annoying in the most endearing way. Ms. Sato taught him a little bit of Klingon and he still remembered how to call someone a spineless disgrace.

He could still comprehend a few words Uhura was saying when she was helping some of her classmates, but he remembered that most.

He smiled at the memory of her, a little Asian woman reaching up into her late forties practically growling at the kids, growing in number as the genocide spread, and encouraging them to follow her lead, to grunt and growl like Klingons were prone to do. It faded as her voice echoed in his head, telling Kodos exactly what was what, and holding Megumi, Ms. Sato's younger daughter in a loose hug, while Etsuko, the elder, soothed the younger children from the yelling going on in the other side of the house.

He hadn't thought of them in so long.

He found that the struggle to survive preyed on his mind more than the escape. He remembered taking the kids, the youngest just two years old, no older than Joanna was now, and fitting in his arms awkwardly, both of them bony and wasted away, to scavenge for something to eat in the wilted vegetation. He only remembered Ms. Sato's angry voice when he demanded it, and he hardly ever did. He hated thinking about Tarsus IV, hated thinking about how thin she became and how many hungry children she kept safe in her house. He liked to remember her yelling in Klingon and laughing when Megumi tried to follow her instructions.

Bones touched his arm gently, his face eclipsed in worry.

"The family I was staying with was one of the last left," Jim began, almost without knowing what he doing. "The Sato's lived on a reserve some distance from the city. Hoshi liked nature much more than city life. She made a call to a friend of hers…when it got really bad, a pilot that she served with some time ago. When Kodos came for us with his guards, she told him that Commander Mayweather was coming for the kids left in her care, and if there weren't nine children to board the shuttle, a call would be made to the President. Commander Mayweather came in his ship with a few of his personal team, beamed me and the other children aboard and we went back to Earth."

"Have you ever spoken to anyone about this?" Bones asked.

He shook his head, leaning back on the bed with his arms folded behind his head. "The families of the survivors were given compensation money with the promise that as long as Tarsus IV's truth was kept under wraps they would send a monthly installment."

"Hush money," Bones said, an undercurrent of anger scoring his voice.

He shrugged. "Not really. It wasn't much, about ten thousand credits." All taken by his step-father and burned through before Jim had been able to legally divorce his 'parents.' "But it didn't take a lot to keep the younger ones quiet. They didn't understand much of what happened. They knew that they were hungry; that everyone was hungry. And some of them knew that their parents had left them in Hoshi's care permanently. There weren't a lot of older kids. There were three above the age of seven, me and Hoshi's kids. I don't know why they were quiet. They went to live in England with their godfather and I haven't heard from them since I was sixteen."

Bones lay down beside him, propping his head up. "What about you?"

Jim met his eyes and saw the anger dancing in his hazel eyes along with sorrow. He had told Bones that he left his home when he was fifteen a few weeks ago, told him about his non-existent mother and her part-time abusive husband. Jim knew it was another piece falling into place for Bones. "I was sent back to Iowa. Stayed a few weeks in the hospital, drugged up to my gills so that my body would gain back its balance."

"And your mom…?

"In the Beta Quadrant." His jaw clenched again, an aggravated tic at the memory of waking up, at the memory of thinking for one second that she might have shown up. "That was when it kind of fell into perspective. I had always thought she didn't love me. When she didn't even come home after I had been starved for seven months, it brought stunning clarity to the_ fact_ she didn't love me." Bones looked like he was ready to spit nails, his teeth grinding behind his lips and his eyes alight with fury. Jim pulled a hand out from beneath his head, setting it against the doctor's neck. "You don't have to say anything. I would actually appreciate it if you didn't."

"Jim," he sighed, frustrated.

"Bones," he countered. "I don't want to talk about this anymore tonight."

The doctor took a deep breath, staring at Jim with dissatisfaction. There were millions of questions visible just below the surface, near visibly trying to escape the cage of his teeth. Bones held them back though. "Alright, Jim," he conceded, bringing his hand to settle on Jim's belly. "We'll talk more about this later."

Jim nodded his agreement, before taking a deep breath, mentally shaking himself of reticent emotions trying to voice their claim on him. He looked Bones over, taking in the stiffness in his form. All Jim's previous work gone to hell. He would have to start from scratch. He hauled himself up, pushed Bones onto his back, trailing hands down the doctor's sides and hooking on to the jeans slung loosely across his hips.

Bones didn't say a word about Tarsus for the rest of the night, not that there was much chance to. He didn't really say much of anything besides the sweet nothing that fell into Jim ear between heavy panting and lustful moans. The last actual words Jim remembered from that night were the ones in his ear just before he fell asleep.

"I love you, Jim. I love you and I swear I won't leave you."_ Like they did,_ lingered in the air.

Jim believed him.

+ststst+

They didn't have to pick up their daughter until three the next afternoon, so they slept in as late as possible, or Jim did. He felt Bones leave the bed a few times only to return a little later. He normally did that though. Whereas Jim had normally been the first to rise in New Orleans, Bones was the early riser these days. He woke up first and did a few things around the suite only to return to their bed after he had finished, wrapping up around Jim just as he had before he left the bed.

It wasn't until around eleven that Bones pulled Jim from the blankets, enticing him with the promise of food. Jim was a little disappointed when 'food' consisted of bagels and cream cheese, but he put it aside. Food was food and Bones seemed like he was fine after the load Jim had dumped on him yesterday. There were some considering glances, a moment when Bones had drifted off to his own world, but for the most part he just fitted the information with information he already had, like Jim was a puzzle.

They spent most of their day in the living area. Bones was reading the journals and suggested readings some of his texts had offered, and Jim spent his time reading his own texts, watching the newsfeeds, or poking and prodding Bones, trying to help them ease back into fully normal. He wanted to show Bones that it was okay, that Tarsus wasn't going to change anything for them.

Jim decided he wanted to visit with Pike and Archer for a while before taking Joanna home, mostly bored of reading and sitting still in general. Bones hadn't looked too thrilled about that prospect, even though he was completely fine with picking Joanna up and then returning to their suite, the homebody. He agreed to go though, his dislike of Pike slowly waning and enjoying Archer's bitching enough to go along.

Pike lived closer to the Academy than Archer did, about a thirty minute walk and so they both grabbed their jackets and headed out into the cool November air that permeated around the bay area of San Francisco. The walk for the first couple of minutes was silent, but Jim eventually grew bored with it, bored with the entire situation and began chattering away aimlessly about nearly nothing at all.

By the time he had deteriorated to yammering about rumors Uhura had let him in on, including the one about one of the Orion sisters, who had supposedly beaten one of her professors at reassembling and more impressively boosting proficiency in a disassembled hard-drive taken from the library and was now apprenticing under a Vulcan instructor, Bones cut him off. There was humor dancing in his eyes and an indulgent upturn of his lips.

"Jim, why are you telling me all of this?" he asked amusedly.

He shrugged. "I'm just repeating what I heard."

"No," Bones denied. "You're making nervous chatter. You never tell me about rumors. You didn't even tell me about the rumor that we were married." He shook his head. "Is this about last night?"

Jim's silence must have been answer enough, because Bones sighed. "I'm not gonna freak out if that's what you're thinking is gonna happen. It was shocking. It still is shocking. I can't imagine going through what you did. I can't imagine how you turned out the way you did with everything that happened to you." He grabbed Jim's fingers briefly in a quick squeeze. "And yeah, it isn't something that I'm gonna just forget about, but…you're here. You're whole and you made an effort to talk about it, are willing to continue making an effort to talk about it." He stopped, momentarily caught up in his thoughts. "It shows a strength of character…one I'm not sure I would have in your position."

Jim frowned at his last statement, though he was warmed by the testimony. He thought of all Bones had done for him, for their daughter, and for the continuation of their relationship. He thought of all Bones had shared with him. "Don't say that, Bones," he admonished softly. "You're one of the strongest people I know."

He snorted. "Thanks for the platitude, Jim."

"I mean it! Bones, I went through hell, but you went through your own special hell, too. People you loved died, your dad not six months ago. A woman you thought loved you had affairs all through your marriage…_ while_ you were attending to your father, trying to cure him and in the end trying to ease his pain. That alone should have put you in an irreparable bad mood, and then you come here and I have Jo, and you take that with a grace no sentient being should possess." Jim bumped his shoulder against the doctor's. "If that isn't strength then there's no such thing."

Bones rolled his eyes, but Jim could see that he wasn't unaffected by what had been said to him. "It's official," he said drolly, but with a hitch in his tone, aurally demonstrating that what Jim had said hadn't been for naught. "We both need therapy."

Jim smiled. "No, we don't. Starfleet checked that before they let us go into classes."

"Hah!" Bones barked his incredulous laughter. "Yes, because people who would willingly go into space in a giant tin-can definitely know who's sane and who isn't."

Jim shrugged. "I used to be willing to go into space."

"I rest my case. They need therapy. You need therapy._ I_ need therapy for associating with you. We're all crazy!"

He laughed, loud and carefree. "The best ones always are," he told Bones, his nerves eased with this conversation behind them.

He couldn't believe Bones would deal with him; couldn't believe Bones actually_ wanted_ him.

He couldn't believe Bones_ loved_ him, but he was glad that he did.

They picked up Joanna and she actually ignored Porthos for ten entire minutes, lavishing both Bones and Jim with her affection before she went toddling off to go find the Beagle. Archer actually seemed to be in a relatively good mood, and Jim asked if he had tortured Pike throughout the night. For a moment the admiral had been without anything to say, but he had glared at Pike accusingly. Of course, the captain had only shrugged carelessly, more interested in Joanna and Porthos.

When Jim and Bones took Joanna home, Uhura was waiting at their door, tapping her foot impatiently. Her roommate had apparently turned into Khan Noonien Singh, and she just couldn't take it any more. Jim was kind of shocked that she had come to their suite out of all of her friends, but when he commented on it, she gave him her patented 'unimpressed' glare and told him that he chose their company for Joanna, who had ran to her 'Aiya' with joyous giggles.

They ate dinner together, ordered Chinese food and Uhura became frustrated enough to stab at Jim with her chop sticks which made Joanna cackle hysterically and poke at Bones with her fork. Bones tickled her for her treachery. It was a relaxing night, and Jim forgot that in a week his brother would be here with his fiancé. It was just what he needed, what they all needed apparently.

They broke out some playing cards that Jim had buried under his padds, and played poker mostly, but at one point Uhura taught them how to play a game called 'Bullshit' which they censored for Joanna, who played in the kitchen with a few of her dinosaur toys. It was a great night.

It was made perfect by the shower Bones and Jim shared before they went to bed, the time they spent kissing and touching after Bones pushed him against the wall. The heat of the water was exacerbated by the heat of their bodies together. When Jim came, he quieted himself by biting into Bones' shoulder. He bit harder when he heard Bones say those words again as he released.

"I love you…"

He sent Bones to their room before him, finishing washing while Bones dressed and readied their bed. When he was finished, he stepped out and for the first time in a long time, Jim actually _looked_ in the mirror, his attention caught. It had only been a month and a half with Bones, but he looked so different. In Iowa, he had looked tired and bedraggled. Already, though, he almost looked twenty-two again. Without Bones haunting his dreams, with Bones there with him every night in real life, he felt good, in a completely different way than when it had just been Joanna and him.

He felt…complete.

+ststst+

A/N: Loves to all of you!

(do the monkey with me)

InnocentGuilt


	17. Chapter 17

They were meeting at the little café that Bones and Jim liked to frequent ever since Uhura had told Jim about it. Sam had called on the previous day to get the coordinates they would need. He and Aurelan would be staying in a hotel that Pike had suggested about thirty minutes from the Academy by foot. They would be arriving by shuttle craft around one, and they were supposed to be meeting Jim, Bones, and Joanna at two, that way they could have enough time to stop by the hotel and drop their bags off.

It was already two fifteen and Jim was getting a little anxious. He kept going over everything that could go wrong before they even got to the café, thinking that maybe Sam and Aurelan had backed out at the last minute, or that they had ridden in a cab with a driver who got all sorts of turned around and even as they sat there and waited, Sam and his fiancé were on their way to Los Angeles. His leg was practically bouncing a mile a minute, the coffee that usually didn't affect him wreaking havoc on him.

Nine years, nine long years of never seeing each other face to face. Nine years of short video conversations and bleached letters that spoke of absolutely nothing. It wouldn't surprise him if Sam had backed out. They were brothers by blood, and strangers in every other sense of the word. The love they felt for each other was awkward, made awkward by distance, shared memories, and generally growing up in a household where there wasn't much love to be found. That love had never been enough to make either of them want to see the other. It had kept them in their different states, almost like they were being punished for it.

The last time they had seen each other face to face, Jim was fifteen, angry at the world for something that the world hadn't necessarily done to him, and Sam was eighteen, unable to remain still and thin in a way that was just due to forgetting to eat or maybe not always having enough money to eat, but still fuller than Jim was. Sam had been talking, science and facts and the likelihoods of when Jim would be okay enough to walk out of the hospital on his own, despite the fact that Jim_ could_ have walked out the very first day. He may have been starved and two seconds away from being a tightly wrapped skeleton, but he could walk. He had always forced himself to walk, even when the will had been waning just as much as he was.

Jim didn't know what had caused him to snap, really. Sam had just been talking to him, trying to take his mind off of Tarsus IV and the horrors Jim never remembered telling Sam about, but knew he had at one point. Jim flew off the handle, though, his words hazy in his mind, but really, in light of nine years of coping and dealing, was just him taking out all of his frustration out on his brother simply because Sam had been there. Angry, hurt, and most of all sad, Jim just unleashed a torrent of sharp, hateful words on his brother, and ended with the accusation that if his guilt was the only thing keeping him there, Sam could go; Jim didn't need anyone's pity.

Jim remembered that Sam had looked stricken and then ashamed. He had at the time chalked that up to Sam's being caught, but as long years went by, as Tarsus was pushed further and further away from his conscience, he knew it had been something else, something far more innocent and undeserved, a sort of survivor's guilt. He started talking about post traumatic stress disorder, listing facts about brain waves and neurotransmitters and all things science, because there had never been anything else in Sam's mind. It was always science and anger, one or the other, and sometimes both at once.

Jim had told him to get out and not to come back, post-traumatic bullshit be damned. He just didn't want to see Sam's face.

Sam, whether by force or by the fact that he just was never sly, was always easy to track though. It was why he had been called when neither of Jim's legal guardians could make it to his side. Two years later, hurting for no reason at seventeen, tired of his crowd and his drinking and his sexual partners and completely content to simply stay in his apartment next to the crazy, old man who had moved out a year later and opened up the apartment for Maggie Jay to move into, Jim tracked down his brother's address and found his console number, sending a small short letter. There was no apology. Jim had never been good at apologizing. He hadn't really expected the response, hoped silently, but tallied up all of the Kirks and used-to-be-Kirks to being silent.

Sam had replied a week later, vague and devoid of emotion as much as Jim had been in his missive.

Bones settled his hand on his knee, casting him a concerned glance. Joanna was coloring on Jim's old padd, her face the perfect picture of concentration, the tip of her tongue poking out between her lips. Every so often, she would hold up her creation for Bones or Jim to inspect and then she would continue coloring, her scribbles bright and vibrant, not a neutral color to be found. Jim watched her, letting her calm, unaffected coloring sooth him along with Bones' thumb rubbing firm circles into his thigh.

"Jim," Bones whispered beside him.

He looked up into murky green eyes, waiting patiently for his blue eyes before they flickered toward entrance of the café. Two people had just entered, looking around the small shop. Jim felt his nerves pick up and he grabbed the hand still lingering on his thigh, a moment of reassurance passing between the two of them with the tightening of fingers around each other.

Sam looked ridiculously tall, his thin frame making him seem never endingly tall, though he was only maybe an inch or two taller than Jim. His long blond hair was in a ponytail again, just as it had been over the last two transmissions they had participated in. His clothes matched, or matched more than they normally did. They definitely hadn't been his picking. The woman beside him, Aurelan Laurent, Ph. D. was short, or shorter for the standard height of the woman he knew, a little rounder. She, too, had blond hair, cut shorter than his brother's to fall along her jaw. She was dressed sensibly in black slacks and a demure green blouse that peaked above the collar of her black jacket.

Jim raised his hand for them. Why, he wasn't quite sure. They were already heading towards their table. He stood as they tread closer, Bones with him, and Joanna stopping her coloring to look up at them curiously.

For a moment, Jim couldn't think what to say. All of his networking abilities short-circuited at the prospect of seeing his brother in person, in flesh, after nine years. He stayed where he was, a table's length between his family and what would soon make up Sam's, a dividing line, like there had always been.

Sam continued having trouble meeting his eyes, his own blue eyes, so much like their mother's, flittered everywhere except Jim's eyes, too much like their father's. He at least was able to string two words together. "Hey Jim."

Simple, yet efficient. It broke Jim out of his turmoil. "Hey Sam. You must be Aurelan," he said, pushing that ever familiar and totally fake smile to his face, knowing it looked real enough. She nodded, holding her hand out politely for him. She had a firm grip, and she met Jim's eyes in a way that said she met everyone's eyes, no matter how uncomfortable the situation.

"I am," she said with a smile that looked just as fake as his felt, more nerves than anything else. "It's a pleasure to meet you!" Jim noticed momentarily that her Standard was nearly without dialect, clean and clear as a computer's tone, but without the lack of emotion.

"Likewise," he said. He turned to his left, where Bones was still standing. "This is my partner, Leonard McCoy." He had almost practiced saying that in the mirror to let his tongue get used to that phrase, muttering it under his breath randomly over the previous week. It flowed much easier than he had expected it would, almost like a vice loosening from his throat. His smile felt just the slightest bit less constrained as he turned to their little girl, staring up at the two newcomers with wary eyes. "This is our daughter, Joanna." She continued to stare at them, but Jim didn't force her to say 'hello,' though it probably would have been a good idea.

Aurelan shook hands with Bones, and he gave her a polite 'nice to meet you, ma'am.'

"How was your flight?" Jim asked as he sat back down, refraining from waving to the other two seats, even when Sam and Aurelan hesitated in taking them.

Aurelan took her seat first, the one closest to Joanna in the round table, though her seat was pulled closer to Bones', a continuation of a habit Jim had started. Sam followed her lead, folding himself sharply into the seat and folding his hands into his lap. He looked all of twelve, an age Jim barely remembered of him between the worse memories he had at his immediate disposal. The sight somehow warmed him nonetheless.

Aurelan glanced at Sam, her dark brown eyes roving over his features. She must have seen what she needed because she answered Jim after a brief, silent exchange. "The flight was fine, thank you. Not a hiccup to be felt."

A young man, Terran and looking totally and completely bored, came to ask for her and Sam's drink orders, giving them a momentary reprieve. He asked Jim and Bones if they needed anything, staring at their half-full glasses with distaste. It was easy to see he was not thrilled with this job. Jim ordered a bowl of fruit for Joanna, but kept his glass as it was, as did Bones.

Jim took a deep breath, trying to think of something, trying to call up the never ending charm everyone always said he had, even when they were calling him names behind his back. Even Riverside had said he was a good conversationalist, partially blaming him for ruining the reputation of their precious town, partially blaming the women and men for falling into his wiles. But always, they agreed that he was tactful, a smooth talker.

Aurelan kept glancing at him, between him and Bones, and occasionally at Joanna, who had crawled to her knees to better see everything, despite the fact that she was on a booster seat. Jim thought about asking Bones to set her down on her bottom again, but she wasn't hurting anything. He wondered what Aurelan was thinking, or what she knew about them. She probably didn't know that much. Sam didn't even know that much.

Sam knew that he had been pregnant when he was nineteen. He was the first person Jim had called after Maggie had told him. Jim had been so gob smacked that he tried calling for his family, tried to see if they had ever known that he had the ability to conceive a child. That call was one of the only times Jim ever remembered Sam picking up on the first call, instead of playing phone-tag for a week before they caught each other at the right time. He hadn't known what was happening to Jim.

Sam didn't know who Bones was, and thusly didn't know that the man beside him, the man reaching to set Joanna correctly in her booster seat, was that same man who helped conceive Joanna in the first place. So, Aurelan couldn't know who Bones was, not really. She probably didn't even understand that Joanna was _Jim's_, really_ his._ He was not entirely sure he wanted her to know.

Their waiter came back with the ordered drinks and a little fruit medley for Joanna, giving a bare hint of a smile when she thanked him in her cute little voice.

Aurelan took a sip of her tea, while watching Joanna pick through her grapes and apple chunks, pulling pieces from the bottom of her bowl for reasons only known to her. The older woman smiled. "How old is she, again?" she asked, looking to Jim. She didn't look at Bones, focusing all of her considerable attention on the man she_ knew_ was half of Joanna's DNA.

"She'll be three in December," he answered.

She nodded a small smile on her face that didn't seem too forced. "So, does she like being around in Starfleet?"

"Aurelan…" Sam intervened, finally joining the living again instead of simply staring between everyone with an expression that said science was much easier to deal with.

It was pretty much then when Jim knew that this meeting could only get more awkward. This was just going to be made of so much win. Aurelan looked at Sam with confusion, unsure when she had suddenly breached his 'don't-talk-about-this' zone. He just shook his head minutely, his eyes begging her to just let it go. Her lips pursed.

"Sammy, we came here to talk. I'm just trying to get to know them," she murmured quietly, tugging her short hair behind her ear with an air of impatience. "I'm getting the ball rolling."

"Can't you pick something else to start with?"

"Like what?"

Jim and Bones' gaze pivoted between them, Bones intrigued, like he was collecting pieces, and Jim just watching.

"I dunno," Sam said quietly, looking to the table to fidget with the tablecloth. Like a kid. "Why don't you tell them about your work or something?"

She sighed, pulling at her bottom lip with her canines. She glanced at the two of them, her eyes gazing at them beneath her dark lashes. "I'm not sure they want to hear about my work. It's…it's just herbal medicine. No one but you wants to hear about that."

Jim was quick to jump in. "Don't be ridiculous. Of course we do," he said with an encouraging smile. "This isn't just you meeting us, Aurelan. We're meeting you, too. Besides, Bones is a doctor. He loves to hear about all that medicinal stuff."

She looked between them and Joanna and Sam, as if checking for some sort of cue. Then slowly she told them about her work on the same herbal medicine Sam had told them about two weeks before. Apparently she thought that she was very close to a breakthrough, having tested it on her own blood, Sam's blood, and her friends' blood to have several different references. Jim understood the basic science of it, but he wasn't sure of all the botanical, and serum names she kept using. Bones however was eating it up. Jim watched the two of them for ten or twelve minutes, before Joanna hopped out of her seat and walked around Bones' seat.

He watched her curiously, wondering what she was up to. She walked up to his right side, where she had more room to maneuver and tried to crawl into his lap. She was halfway up when Jim decided to pull her all the way on his lap. "What are you doing, Jo-bear?" he asked quietly.

"I colored you a picture," she whispered, or tried to whisper. It was actually what most would consider an inside voice, but compared to her normal voice it was practically silent. She handed over his old padd, showing a sheet that if colored properly would probably resemble a chicken with a nest of eggs. As it was her picture kind of looked like a scribble of rainbows, almost appearing to be a butterfly yet falling short of some of the basic structures.

It was still beautiful, though, and he saved it to his padd. He readjusted Joanna on his lap, whispering, "That's very pretty, Jo-bear."

He kissed the crown of her head, looking up to see Sam's curious and scientific gaze roaming between he and his daughter. Jim briefly wondered what he saw before he turned his attention back to the conversation between Bones and Aurelan.

+ststst+

They went to Sam and Aurelan's hotel suite after meeting at the café. They had carefully ignored the idea of going to Jim's suite at the Academy. They were actually carefully pretending that the Academy didn't even exist. It was quite a feat considering they could all see the Academy from the bay window of the room.

They sat around the room, Bones and Joanna in the bay window, Jim in the extra seat, while the other two sat on the bed. Sam was awkwardly telling Jim about his attempts to find a job in Seattle. Apparently, being a scientific genius only went so far when one didn't have a degree and had practically been a hermit for the past ten years. Jim was trying to think of ways to help him, but so far everything he had thought up needed confrontation of some sort and Sam was firmly against that.

"Well, couldn't you go back to school, then?" Jim suggested, hunkering down in his chair, which were less comfortable than the chairs of the last hotel he had been in, in New Orleans. He thought about making the comment to Bones, but it could wait until later, after they had gone home.

Sam sighed, glancing at Aurelan, who said, "That's what I thought! He could probably test out of most of the classes. He would only really need to take a few Honors courses and maybe write a thesis. And!" she continued exuberantly, "He could probably take self-study classes over the internet. He wouldn't even really have to see other people."

She sounded really proud of herself and a little smug about the fact that Jim had said exactly what she had suggested. She crossed her arms over her chest raising an eyebrow at him as if to say, 'well?' Sam stared at her, obviously trying to find a comeback, but failing. He brought a hand up to play with his moustache, a habit meant to buy him time if the way Aurelan's eyes followed the movement were anything to go by.

Jim paled a little. His brother was trying to get his fiancé riled up right in front of him. Holy god, he had never been so glad they skipped this when they were teens, but this was definitely not better late than never. He didn't even know his brother had it in him. He was so abstract with everything else. Science preyed on his mind. Jim was honestly a little shocked Sam knew what sex was. He was honestly a little grossed out.

Jim looked over to his family, where Bones was making faces at their daughter. Joanna giggled, unbelievably quiet, and reached up to push at his face. Almost as if it were a button, Bones changed his face again.

"Stop that!" Aurelan demanded, ripping her eyes away from Sam's lip finally. Jim almost let out a relieved sigh. Things were awkward enough without him clearing his throat, or try to sneak out unnoticed. She looked over at Jim sheepishly, a hot blush on her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I don't know what got into him."

Jim smiled a little uncomfortable. "Don't worry about it." He looked over to Sam, who cleared his throat a little.

"Really," Bones said. "Jim can be just as bad."

Joanna laughed then, though Jim was sure she had no idea what she was laughing at. She just seemed to be laughing at everything Bones said that hour. Jim smirked.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Bones."

"Of course you don't," he said with a scoff and a heavy roll of his eyes.

When Jim looked back over to the bed, Aurelan had a small smile on her face, staring curiously between the two. "How long have the two of you known each other?"

He felt Bones' gaze on him, and saw out of the corner of his eye Sam also coming to look at him. Jim didn't blink. He hadn't been expecting this question so soon, but he had a good enough story to give her until he decided when or if there would be a good time to tell both her and Sam the truth behind he and Bones.

"We knew each other a while back, but we really reconnected when we both came to Starfleet," he answered vaguely.

It seemed to appease her well enough, but he could see that she wanted more of the story, that she wanted to know a lot of things. It was only what she would ask next, what she felt was more important. She glanced at Sam, who still looked at Jim, sparing a glance to Bones, curiously. He must have been wondering how they met, but Jim didn't think Sam was comfortable enough to bring anything up.

"So, you've been together since the beginning of September?" she finally settled to ask.

Jim gave a nervous laugh. "It was a bit more complicated than that," he said, casting a brief glance toward his partner. "I was pretty hesitant at first."

"Resistant is more like it," Bones supplied, pulling Joanna into his lap. She didn't seem too thrilled with that, wiggling around and trying to literally become boneless.

Aurelan watched Joanna for a long time, something flickering in her eyes when the little girl let out a small holler of discontent. Jim felt something defensive building in his chest at that glimmer, expecting her to ask something that made Joanna seem to be more of a burden. He really hated those types of questions, and was glad he didn't get them that often. She looked back at Jim, though, assessing him briefly and she must have seen the defensive set of his jaw.

Instead of asking something about Joanna, she changed some of the words around. "Do your classes make it difficult to be together?" she asked innocently.

Sam glowered at the hotel sheets, a sneer twisting his lips. "Talk about something else," he demanded, adding only as an afterthought, "Please."

Aurelan frowned, her dark eyes gazing at Sam curiously. There was obviously a lot she didn't know about, a lot that she didn't understand about Sam. Jim worried about that, worried that she would be driven away with all of the things that Sam_ couldn't_ talk about. Sam wasn't that skilled when it came to people. Jim didn't want to think about how he would handle it if Aurelan left. Not to mention that he sort of liked the woman. She seemed to genuinely care about Sam, and very interested in getting to know more of his family for the sake of their future despite the fact that she_ had_ to have known this would not go over smoothly.

Jim sighed. "Sam, she's just trying to make conversation. This is awkward enough without putting bans on what we can and can't talk about. She isn't asking what the politics of Starfleet are. She just wants to know how we're adjusting to the classes."

"I don't wanna hear about it," he growled, eyes lifting yet still never meeting Jim's. He glared hollowly at the wall behind Jim's chair, his jaw working tensely. "I don't even want to think about it. It sucks enough as it is being in this stupid city! I don't want to have to consider what you're doing in Starfleet and what it'll eventually make you do."

He narrowed his eyes at his brother, a little thrown off. "What's it gonna make me do, Sam?" he asked, leaning forward in his chair.

Aurelan looked between the two of them, her features marked somewhere between irritation and uncomfortable. "We can just talk about something else…" she offered, her eyes looking to Jim in apology.

"No, hold on," he said, holding up his hand. "He has something he wants to say. What is being in Starfleet going to make me do, Sam?"

Bones called out for him, asking him to let it go for now. Jim couldn't, though. He wanted to hear Sam say it.

"Forget it."

He glared at Sam. "No. What is it going to make me do? What kind of extraordinary power does Starfleet have that I won't have a say in what happens to me? Obviously, you know. What is it?" His brother refused to answer. He continued glaring just past Jim's shoulder like the newest scientific breakthrough was waiting for him there, the cure for Jim's inability to understand what he was getting at.

Jim knew exactly what he was saying, though. He could see it in the hard, hollow eyes that refused to meet his gaze. Sam worried that he would become like their mother, as if somehow, Winona wouldn't have been half as bad had she simply not been in Starfleet. The truth of the matter was though, Starfleet or no, she would have found ways to leave. She would have found ways to escape her children and Starfleet just made it that much simpler.

Joanna made a cry of protest. Jim looked over to the window seat she and Bones had been sitting at to see his daughter trying to wiggle out of Bones' grasp. Bones whispered in her ear, trying to calm her, but she squirmed regardless, trying to get to Jim.

He sighed. "I'm not our mother. I'm not going to abandon Joanna," he told Sam as he stood. He walked over to his family, letting Jo crawl into his arms. Bones looked at him with concern, but stood up; knowing instinctively that this visit was finished for now. "We're gonna get out of here."

Aurelan nodded mutely, surprising Jim by standing from the bed to see them out the door. Sam didn't move; he only shifted his eyes from the wall to look at the bedspread again. Once they were all outside the room, and the door had been partially shut, and the dividing line between Jim and Sam in place once more, Aurelan said, "I didn't think it would be like this. I knew you two didn't talk that often, but…"

"Don't worry about it," Jim said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "I knew it wouldn't be easy. I apologize for goading it on. No one should be stuck in the middle of a sibling argument." He said it to her, but he meant it for Bones and Joanna as well. He hugged their daughter a little tighter to him, feeling a brief, reassuring touch ghost over his shoulder.

She pursed her lips, dark eyes glancing back into her shared room. "Still…" she countered. "I understand a little of where he's coming from, but it would be so nice if he could have more connections. He's so sad sometimes. He just sits in his lab and calculates new formulas. He didn't come out for an entire day once!" She looked so sad for Sam, and Jim could see her trying to stick it through with his brother. He really hoped Sam gave her enough reason to carry on at his side. Especially when she said, "I don't want him to leave with terms like this. If we could…if you're willing, would you have dinner with us before we go back to Oregon?"

He shrugged. "I don't mind," he said. "If he doesn't mind my company again."

She nodded. "Okay, well…I'll talk to you tomorrow with the details."

They parted ways, Aurelan returning to the room. Before the door closed, Jim caught the briefest flash of Sam coming out from around the corner with the expression of a child that knew he or she was in trouble. Jim hoped that he wouldn't be too adverse to one more meeting, but as Joanna pulled away to ask, "Are you okay, daddy?" he realized that if Sam was going to meet with him again, he wouldn't make Jim feel like he was a bad parent.

He brushed her hair with his hand. "I'm fine, Jo-bear. Thanks for asking."

"You're welcome," she said seriously, her little voice making Jim smile.

+ststst+

Jim was sitting on the sofa, pointedly trying not to think about anything that had happened earlier that afternoon. He had chosen instead to relax, reading over Eight's Relativistic Physic work in between playing a few games of chess against the computer and watching Joanna slowly roam closer to the holoscreen. Bones had gone off in search of food with a frown creasing his brow, saying he didn't want 'the usual,' Chinese or pizza. He didn't even want anything from their little café, though that was to be expected since they had gone there for lunch.

Vaguely, Jim wondered what Bones planned to do when he found this new place, and if he was just going to guess what Jim and Jo wanted to eat. Not that it would be hard. Jim would eat anything that he wasn't allergic to, and sometimes he would even test those boundaries, and Joanna would eat anything as long as it was simple. Still though, it would be nice to have a choice in his food. He considered comming, however his communicator was all the way across the room and he was really comfortable.

He remembered having a lot more energy at one point…

Joanna squealed in delight, bouncing in front of the holoscreen and clapping her hands as a humpback whale splashed in the ocean with her calf. It was an old documentary, but Jo didn't seem to mind in the slightest.

He felt a spark of energy flare up inside him, warming him as he watched her. He pulled himself up from the couch, dropping the padds unceremoniously onto cushion beside him. Easily, he stepped over the table, coming up behind his daughter in an instant before he picked her up off the floor. The squeal of delight she had given earlier was nothing in comparison to the shocked shriek she gave, though it was shortly followed by laughter.

"Daddy!" she hollered when he began twisting her around in circles, careful of the coffee table and the holoscreen but not much else.

Still twirling, he answered her. "Jo-bear!"

"Stop it, daddy!" she demanded, though she couldn't have been too serious because she was still laughing and she looked far too excited from what Jim could see through her flying hair. She had also flung her arms out, her trust completely in him not to drop her.

He couldn't imagine loving someone more than her. Couldn't imagine leaving her for this job or any other job. He sure as hell couldn't imagine just_ not_ talking to her ever again, like she was just some sack clothes, a doll or toy that he had outgrown playing with. He kind of hated Sam for insinuating that he was in any way like Winona, because he wasn't. He would do anything to stay with his daughter, to protect his daughter. She was his life. And if Starfleet wanted to post him on a damn ship then they better have rooms that come with toy boxes because he wasn't going to leave her behind.

Jim pulled her back to his chest protectively. "What do you say?" he asked, pressing a big noisy kiss to the side of her head.

She didn't even pause. "I say, 'now.'"

Well, that was a new one she picked up. His brows climbed upward. "Really?"

"Uh huh." Absolute nod and everything, even a small pursing of her lips to finish the look.

He pushed her back into the air, and her limbs dangled freely. For a moment she looked like a little ragdoll staring down at him with his eyes and a smile that could easily eclipse the sun. He looked up at her for a second before shaking her around in the air, not violently, but enough to where her giggles vibrated.

"What d'ya say now, little girl?" he asked with a fake growl.

"Again!" she yelled and he obeyed, jostling her in the air.

When she commanded one more time he took her to the couch and tossed her down, making sure to steer clear of his padds. With her on the couch, he quickly began tickling her, dodging little, kicking feet and batting away defensive hands, all together relishing in the shrieks that permeated through his suite and hoping that the walls were really as sound proof as he had been led to believe. She let out various yells of 'daddy' and 'stop it,' one time she even called, 'popsicle!' forgetting that Bones had gone on an expedition for newer foods.

When he figured that she had had enough, he sat down on the couch beside her, pulling her into his lap. Jo continued to wriggle in his arms, but when she realized that he would no longer continue tickling her, she settled down, slumping into his lap as though no more than a sack of potatoes. She rested her hands on his arm, shocking Jim by how much she had grown as well as how small she still was. She was so smart and sassy that it was sometimes hard to believe that she wasn't even three. At the same time though…it couldn't have only been three years ago that he brought his crying bundle of joy into his teeny apartment in Iowa, Maggie following behind him and instructing him on how to hold her while she rushed to prepare some milk for her.

He could never leave her. Hell, he could hardly stand being away from her for more than a day.

Squeezing her to him again, he said, "I love you, Jo-bear. You know that, right?"

"Yeah," she responded with a resolute nod. She turned her head up to look at Jim, one hand going up to touch his jaw. "You can put me down now, daddy."

He hummed, almost giving it consideration. "I dunno. I think I'll keep you right here."

Jim was sure that she would struggle, and she did for a moment or two before looking up at him with a pout. She didn't say anything, though. Huffed definitely, because she was Bones' daughter and certain things demanded huffing. Then she settled and within twenty minutes they were both asleep on the couch, Jim having rearranged them when he realized he was not going to last until Bones returned back to their suite. He carefully pushed the padds out of the way and turned her so that she could settle her head easily into the crook of his neck. He was sprawled across his couch with a bundle of tired little girl when Bones returned home from his wild mission, having stumbled upon a Greek diner about four blocks away.

+ststst+

Joanna fell asleep easily that night. Bones estimated that the new people and excitement had worn her down, because normally she would not be put in bed before nine and that usually took some coercing. That night though, she crawled onto her mattress at eight thirty, pulling Sellit by the tail into her arms and under the blankets with her. Jim had only read about three pages of _Robin Hood_ to her before he could hear her breathing even out.

After he had ordered the lights lower and turned out some music for his benefit as well as hers, he wandered back into his room where Bones was already waiting on the bed. He was in his sleepwear and he was holding a padd though it didn't look as if he were reading it. Instead he stared off distantly into wild beyonds that weren't visible to anyone but him.

He startled when Jim crawled up the foot of the bed, gently prying his knees apart so that Jim could sit, Bones' knees bent over his thighs. The doctor raised a curious eyebrow at him as his hands travelled up his inner thighs, gently stroking, massaging. "What were you thinking about?" Jim asked.

Bones threw the padd onto the bed beside him carelessly. "Just some things that happened today," he said, brows falling down into a frown.

Jim's hands slid over his hips, to either side of his chest, hovering over Bones. "Yeah, I should probably apologize about that. I didn't think it'd be so…" he shrugged, trying to think of the proper word. "Loud?" he tried.

"Oh," Bones said, eyes widening just a little. "That hadn't even crossed my mind. I was a little surprised Sam let it fester for so long."

"What d'ya mean?"

Bones sighed, hands reaching up to rest on Jim's shoulders. "He damn near looked ready to spit nails the entire time we were in the café. Just the thought of Starfleet gets him riled up and it was easy to see when he remembered where he was and why he was there. There were a few times when we were talking, Sam would look out the window and just glower at the city like it was the cause for all the evils in the universe."

The choice of words was great, and Jim chortled at them. "Were you ogling my brother or something?" he asked after a few poorly concealed chuckles. Bones pinched his side, rather violently if you asked Jim, and he yelped, withdrawing from Bones' immediate vicinity with gusto. "The hell, Bones!" he asked while rubbing his side.

The doctor rolled his eyes. With a deep put upon sigh, he continued. "You know, I think he's trying."

Jim was the one rolling his eyes then. "He's very trying."

"I don't mean it like that. I think he's trying to be accepting of you, trying to find out how to mesh into your life again, even though he's clearly uncomfortable with it. It's just to do that he has to slowly enter in new calculations. He's very scientific, it seems."

Jim let out a bark of laughter. "You can say that again."

Bones continued on with his musings, heedless of what he had said. "It doesn't make sense in his equation of you that Starfleet has taken so much from you, and yet you enlisted in Starfleet. You've changed from an equation to an inequality with an absolute value and no consistency at all."

Jim considered Bones for a moment, before considering the words he had actually said. "I'm pretty sure that still has a solution, two at the very least, but still a solution."

"Whatever," Bones groused. "I'm a doctor, not a mathematician."

"Oh, bullshit. I've read your file," he returned, gently shoving the doctor's shoulder.

He looked ready to argue and then it must have clicked exactly what Jim had said. His face screwed up in confusion, he demanded, "Why?"

"You read mine." He shrugged as if it were no big deal.

"I'm your…nevermind." Jim could tell that he had only been a stone's throw away from ranting about how he was his doctor and thusly had the right, but Bones was apparently learning that it was useless to argue some morals with Jim. Bones knew what was in his file, and a lot of what wasn't, and Jim knew what was in Bones file. It made sense in Jim's head. Bones readjusted, wiggling his ass against Jim in the most accidental way. "What I'm _saying_ is you're not who he thinks you should be and for some people it's hard to accept. He is trying, though."

"I'm sure he'll be happy to have you on his side," Jim said with a fond smile, rubbing the doctor's calves. He, too, was happy to have Bones defend his brother. It felt good to know that everyone was participating in the entire 'trying to understand siblings and their significant other's' thing. He loved Bones all the more for it.

They sat in silence for several moments, Bones' only response having been a small hum of acknowledgement before he slipped off into thought. Jim continued stroking his calves, absentmindedly. It was then, in the silence, that he remembered that Bones had originally been thinking of something else entirely.

He repositioned them again, laying nearly his full weight on Bones and smiling at the 'umph' of protest that Bones gave. "So," he said, balancing his elbows on either side of the doctor. "What_ were_ you thinking about when I came in?"

He became almost boneless beneath Jim, relaxing completely into the mattress beneath him. "You said, 'our daughter,'" he said, almost dreamily with a small smile quirking his lips upward. He looked up at Jim, his murky green eyes shining with all those emotions that Jim had never wanted to categorize before this, that lost flicker in his eye when they had been on the shuttle so long ago. Adoration and love, what he had always tried to give Jim, even when he should have been throwing the biggest tantrum known to man.

"She is," Jim told him, trying to convey all of his conviction and responding feelings. "She always has been. Even when I was alone, it wasn't like she lost your half of the DNA. It wasn't like you just stopped existing when I went back to Iowa; you just stopped being tangible, is all."

He thought about Joanna and how much she looked like Bones, how there had never been a doubt in his or Bones' mind just who it was that she had belonged to, despite the fact that male pregnancies were_ not_ that common. Some part of Jim's mind waxed poetic about how maybe Bones had always known on some deep subconscious level that they had shared a child. Seriously, coincidences like getting onto the _exact_ same shuttle as Jim didn't happen. It was almost like they had both planned it, had both waited for that moment to reunite.

He then slapped himself, mentally of course, and thought of more important things, like the look Bones was giving him, and how he kind of never wanted that look to go away. He decided on several things that he had never even consciously been aware that he was considering or even forgetting to consider.

"Move in with us?" Jim asked, though it sounded to his ears to be more of a demand. "All the way, like bring all of your things over here and never have a reason to go to your suite again."

It was a big step and Jim's heart pounded hard enough that he was sure that Bones must feel it against his own chest. He had never asked anyone to live with him. Had never even considered it before Bones. He had to remind himself to breathe evenly, for god's sake. A feeling of foolishness fell over him as he waited for the answer and he actively worked not to take the entire thing back, letting Bones' look him over, trying to make himself convey the fact that he really wasn't crazy and he really did want this.

"Okay," Bones finally said.

"Okay?" Jim parroted, his brows lifting in disbelief. "Okay? You made me wait all the agonizing seconds just to give me an 'okay'?"

"What did you want? Trumpets?" Bones asked, smirk taking his features. Apparently, their sappy moment of the evening had expired.

Jim moved to push himself up only to be prohibited. Bones wrapped him in a strong embrace, one hand sliding easily through Jim's short hair and guiding their lips together. They both smiled as they kissed, lips nearly permanently upturned even as gentle caresses took the forefront of their minds.

"I love you," Bones mumbled against his lips, barely breaking away and barely speaking loud enough for Jim to hear.

He did hear it, though, and he tried to express his returned sentiment without words.

Before they fell asleep for the night, wrapped in their sheets and Bones all but covering him completely, Jim made a mental note to start correcting Joanna's paperwork on Monday, changing her over from Kirk to Kirk-McCoy.

+ststst+

At dinner the next night, with Joanna in Archer's clutches for the next few hours, Sam surprised them by asking what track both Jim and Bones belonged to in Starfleet. When Jim glanced over to Aurelan, she had a happy look on her face, though she wasn't really smiling. Under the table, Jim grabbed Bones' hand and began answering Sam's hesitant and, admittedly, begrudging questions.

+ststst+

(just dance!)

InnocentGuilt


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: Well, guys, this is it. This is the last chapter of this story. I'd like to thank everyone who stuck with this story, who reviewed, favorite'd, or alerted. That was really nice and I have no words for how happy it made me to watch the numbers go up on my account. You all are completely fabulous.

Um, if anyone wants to print this story off for their own personal pleasure, that's totally fine. It is now completely refurbished (I just like that word) and ready to take with you wherever you go. Have fun and remember me when you're famous.

Love to you all!

+ststst+

They didn't get around to moving Bones' belongings for another week. Finals were coming up and papers needed to be written, not to mention they both were grading for the professors they were TA's for. Any time they weren't being generally fabulous students was spent playing with Joanna, easing one of her temper tantrums, or taking her to the park so she saw more than the inside of their suite and her daycare. Needless to say, it was a long week and Jim knew Bones was considering putting off the move until the next weekend.

Jim had been able to talk Bones into that Sunday, though. Maggie Jay would be getting in next Friday, but apparently she didn't have an apartment yet, so she had invited herself to sleep on his couch. Not to mention Jim just wanted Bones in his suite with all of his shit officially mingling with his own. He had all but said that Bones could stay and watch Jo, but Jim was going to move him into his suite. A little desperate, maybe, but Jim had the overwhelming urge to make sure all of Bones was with him, that he didn't feel the need to leave for a very long time.

Bones didn't have many belongings. He had several padds, just as Jim did, brimming over with medical journals, and new theories being postulated by doctors around the known universe. There were a few personal effects that he must have picked up when he moved to San Francisco, a flashlight, salt and pepper shakers, an umbrella that Jim had never seen him use. Other than that it was just the left over clothing, Bones' small holoscreen, which neither of them knew what to do with, though they contemplated putting it in Jo's room.

When Jim had taken the holoscreen from the wall and rolled up the pad, he put it in one of the three boxes they had brought with them. Joanna only gave him a quick glance before continuing with her calculation of how much trouble she would be in if she started pulling things out of the box. She had taken quite a shine to Bones' flashlight, tapping it on and off. It wasn't a big deal if she played with it, normally, but halfway through the week she had picked up the habit of telling Jim 'no' every so often. He wanted to make sure she was actually heeding his word.

With the holoscreen in the box, that had taken care of the living area. Bones was in the kitchenette, doing something under one of the counters. Jim wandered over to him area, keeping an eye on Jo incase she went for that flashlight.

"What are you doing in here, Bones?" he asked curiously, leaning into the counter and looking down at Bones' ass, which was the only half showing from his place inside the cabinet.

Distorted and echoing due to the cavernous space from which he was talking, Bones' reply came, "Something spilled back here. I'm trying to clean it up for the staff." A pause and a bit of a grunt. "I'm not entirely sure that this isn't alive, though. It seems damn intent on staying where it is."

Jim grunted in acknowledgement. "Well, that wouldn't be surprising. It's probably been here since the birth of Starfleet Academy." When he glanced at Joanna she had given up on the flashlight, having obviously come to the conclusion that Jim was watching much too closely. He smiled, watching as she talked to herself and wandered around the living area.

Bones had yet to come out of the cabinet, stubborn to a fault. Jim sighed. "Why don't you leave it alone, Bones? It's probably older than you are." That earned him an unhappy growl to which he grinned. He watched the doctor, or at least what he could see of the doctor, wiggle around some more, before he reached boredom. "Hey," he said. "I'm gonna see if there's anything else that needs to be packed up from the kitchen."

He pulled open the cabinet on the far end from where Bones was, just barely registering that Bones had started to pull himself out from where he had been with a muffled demand of, "Wait."

It was too late for Bones though. Jim had already pulled open the door and found his stash. An entire mini-bar lay under the counter, bourbons and whiskeys, as well as a small bottle of vodka. He looked over to Bones, who was sitting on the floor with an abashed look washing his features. He sighed. "You weren't supposed to see that," he said, rubbing his hand on his forehead. He, then, of course, made a face because his hand was grimy from fighting with the life-form on his end of the cabinet.

Jim smirked. "Why not?" He pulled out one of the bottles of bourbon, giving it an appraising once over. It was a good brand, one of the better ones. He set it on the counter and reached for another bottle, counting them all in his head. There were seven total, in various states of fullness. He laughed, a little self-depreciatingly. "Y'know, I always kinda wondered how you made it through my varying levels of panic and distancing." He pulled the other bottles out. "I figured there had to be something."

Bones shook his head. "It wasn't that, Jim. There were just days…"

"I understand, Bones," he said clearly and firmly. Bones had nothing to explain for. It was an observation. He didn't mean it to make the doctor feel guilty.

He stared up at Jim, his eyes still ashamed for some reason. Jim sighed, setting the bottle on the counter. He checked on Joanna once again, to see what she was up to. She was rifling through her bag, looking for something to entertain her through this very boring moment in her life. Jim was pretty sure it would be fine if he left her on her own in the few minutes it would take him to talk to Bones. Setting himself on floor in front of Bones, settling to where their knees were touching.

"Don't worry about it, Bones," he soothed, reaching his hand up to card through dark brown hair, pulling him closer to rest their foreheads together. "It's nothing to freak out about. And really, even if I wanted to freak out about this, it'd be kinda hypocritical considering last time I went drinking I came out with four cracked ribs and shattered wrist. At least you were smart enough to stay in your dorm."

"It just…" Bones sighed_ again_. "I haven't since we got together."

"Yeah, well, you probably should have," Jim said semi-seriously. "God knows I'm a pain in the ass."

Jim pressed their lips together before Bones could say anything against him. Chaste for the most part, Jim just scarcely brushed his tongue against the doctor's lips before pulling away. "I really don't know why you're so worried about this," he said. "All it says is that you were more affected by things than you let on. It's not a bad thing."

"You're way too good for me."

Jim laughed. "Fuck, if I'm way too good for you, you have low standards." At Bones' glare, Jim quieted. He watched Bones' face, took in his features.

It was still hard to believe that Jim had him again; that Bones had thought of him as much as Jim had thought of Bones. He had almost been so resigned to never having anyone until Jo was older, and at times, he had been sure he would never have anyone else the way he'd had Bones' ever again. Then Bones was there, patiently stubborn and waiting for Jim to get his head out of his ass, playing with Jo and acting like he had never been gone. Acting like he had always been there, and lamenting the fact that he really hadn't been.

Even if Bones did leave him, and Jim didn't necessarily believe that he would anymore, though he realized that the chance was still there just like with all relationships. Even if Bones did leave him, at least they had had this. At least they had tried, and hopefully if something did come to pass they would come out friends.

Jim had been waiting for Joanna's birthday to tell Bones all he had done over the past week, and all they would need to do. Looking at Bones now, though, he couldn't wait. He pulled Bones into another kiss, longer, languid, taking the time to enjoy this moment as Bones lapped his tongue against his teeth.

"I have something for you," he spoke against Bones' lips as they pulled apart.

Bones hummed. "I don't think the kitchenette is the appropriate place for it. Especially not with Joanna in the other room."

"Very funny," Jim said with a happy smile. "No, this is a non-sex-like surprise."

Jim moved his hand into his pocket, pulling his personal padd out. He had collected Joanna's documents into it, along with some of his favorite pictures she had coloured, and the picture of her, Pike, and Archer in the midst of an imaginary tea party. He tapped a few commands in to the padd, pulling up Joanna's paperwork from Sandcastles daycare center. He held it out to Bones once he had scrolled down to the section of paperwork he wanted Bones to see.

The doctor took it into his hand, reading over it with a mildly confused look. He muttered to himself as he read, taking the words in before he reached the most important part. "Joanna Kirk-Mc…" He paused before he let out a breathless laugh. "Joanna Kirk-McCoy."

He looked into Jim's eyes, his own glittering ecstatically. Jim's grin was nearly face-splitting; he pointed to the paperwork in the doctor's hand, saying, "It's not official yet. We have to go to the local notary so we can both sign to get her birth certificate changed. They'll probably want a blood test as well, but…" He shrugged. "I should have done it when we first found each other again, but it didn't even register in my mind."

"This is fucking wonderful," he said delightedly, looking at the padd again as if he couldn't quite believe his eyes. His fingers played over the name, highlighting it and highlighting it over and over again. When he looked up to Jim again, his eyes were unshed with tears. "When can we get this finalized?"

"Anytime this week. The notary is closed for the weekend, but anytime after that…"

Bones' smile never faltered. He looked at the padd one last time, before he handed it back to Jim. "Okay, let's finish this up before the end of time."

He stood up, having apparently finally given up on getting the life-form out from under the cabinet. He helped Jim up, as well, their hands staying clasped for a moment before Joanna interrupted them, asking, "Are you_ done_ yet?"

Jim rolled his eyes. "Almost, Jo-bear. We just have to finish packing the kitchen and then Popsicle's room."

"Okay," she said, putting down the small toy she had been playing with. She hopped off the couch with a determined smile that she inherited from Jim. "Let's go."

She wandered off, without any destination as far as her parents could tell and disappeared into Bones' bedroom. They listened for a moment, heard nothing. Then Joanna's face reappeared in the doorway, looking at the two of them impatiently. "Popsicle," she whined. "Hurry! We gotta pack."

Bones smiled. "Okay, I'm coming, baby," he said, already pulling away from Jim's side. Over his shoulder, he asked Jim, "Will you be okay to pack the kitchen by yourself?"

Jim waved him off. "I got it. Go help the moving girl." Jim followed behind him for a second, intent on retrieving the box from the living area, which still wasn't quite full. Then he remembered, asking Bones before he disappeared completely, "What do you want me to do with the alcohol?"

Bones hesitated by the doorway, his eyes locking with Jim's and exuding determination. "Just throw it out, Jim."

He kept a bottle of the bourbon anyway. It was a nice brand, after all.

+ststst+

They had unpacked everything after Bones put Joanna down for her nap. All in all it only took about thirty minutes. Bones had a whopping two and a half boxes and most of it was easy to place. Flashlight in one of the kitchen drawers, salt and pepper shakers on the table…next to Jim's set. The bedspread from Bones' suite, which actually belonged to the doctor since he had refused to sleep on white sheets, was fitted over Jim's bed, which had thankfully both been the same size. Jim put Bones' bourbon on the top shelf above the stove after explaining why he hadn't just thrown it away.

Everything was squared away, except for Bones' holoscreen, which they still weren't sure about whether to put it in Joanna's room or not. They both really enjoyed her staying in the living area with them, even if it did get taxing sometimes. In the end, they put it in their closet until a concrete decision could be reached.

When they had finished, they retired into the living area. Jim rested against the arm of the couch and Bones followed after him, resting his back to Jim's chest. Bones had picked up one of his padds, intent on studying for one of his finals, which would take place over the upcoming week. Jim's finals would be occurring at the same time, of course, but he had a firm grasp on everything that had been covered. Sometimes being a genius with awesome memory recall paid off. Instead of studying, he turned on the holoscreen watching a detective show that Archer had gotten him addicted to.

His hand reached up on its own accord, running through Bones' impeccable hair and enjoying the silent moment while they had it. Joanna would probably be up in another thirty to forty-five minutes and then Jim would be keeping her occupied and happy while Bones studied.

The soft strands of Bones' hair, a lot like Joanna's curls, slid through his fingers comfortingly, and he knew the effect was a good one for the doctor, as well. Bones slowly started to lean his head back on Jim's shoulder, and his breathing evened. It looked like a pretty sure thing that he was going to fall asleep actually. His padd slowly lowered onto his lap and the rest of his body relaxed.

Jim let the moment wash over him, let the feeling of Bones resting all of his weight against him seep in. He wrapped his arm around Bones' chest, enjoying the steady heartbeat. Counting a few deep breaths, Jim smiled, contentment filling his heart. He kissed the side of Bones head, like he often did with their daughter.

Bones grumbled, his eyes opening to glance over at Jim. "I was almost asleep."

Jim nodded agreeably. "I know."

"Then why'd you wake me up?" He readjusted slightly, tilting his head further back.

Jim shrugged best he could. "I didn't mean to. I just wanted to fondle you in your sleep." He punctuated his statement by squeezing Bones' pectoral.

"I can get on board with that."

Jim bent his head to kiss the doctor, grunting when his lower lip was nipped for his troubles. Bones laughed at his displeasure, one of his hands reaching back to grab at Jim's short hair. "I need that," he said following Bones' hand with a smile on his lips.

"Yeah," Bones agreed. "You'd look kinda silly with no hair."

Jim was about to respond, but their computer console went off, a small screen pulling up that said they had an incoming call coming from Pike's office. Bones glared at it momentarily, before he sighed deeply. He pulled himself off of Jim, waving at the console lazily. "It's for you."

He maneuvered his way around Bones, pulling himself up to his feet and towards the call. "One of these days," he called over his shoulder, "you're going to have to finish letting go of this recalcitrant anger towards Pike."

Bones frowned. "Recalcitrant? Really?"

Jim ignored him and accepted the call from Pike. The screen automatically filled with his less than pleased face and the hollering of a voice Jim would know anywhere.

"I have a right to be here!" Maggie Jay yelled. "I'm visiting Jim Kirk. He _lives on campus_! I'm not trying to bomb the place or anything, so fucking let me go!"

Jim's brows rose up to his hairline. Pike's grimace stayed firmly in place. "Is that yours?" he asked.

"Did you just call me a 'that'?" Maggie's voice came even louder.

Somewhere else off screen, Jim heard Archer laugh hysterically. "This gets better and better."

Jim smiled apologetically. "Yeah, she's mine."

"See?" Maggie yelled. "Can I_ go_ now?"

Pike nodded and waved his hand back at her as if to silence her. Then, with a deep sigh, he said, "If you would be so kind as to come get her and fill out the visitation forms I would be most happy."

"Yeah, be there soon, sir."

The comm ended abruptly and Jim rubbed his forehead. From behind him Bones asked for clarification. "I thought Maggie wasn't getting here till next weekend."

"Y'know, that would make two of us." He padded around the living area for his boots, which he had taken off earlier when they had put Jo down for her nap. She had said when last he talked to her on Wednesday that she would be arriving the weekend before Joanna's birthday. Joanna's birthday was the Thursday after finals week. Logically, she should have been there next weekend. However, Maggie Jay was Maggie Jay and she was not prone to following even her own rules.

His exasperation was running high, but he felt a fondness flow through him as well as excitement to see the woman who had seen him through so much in Iowa. "I'm gonna go get her."

"Want me to go with you?" Bones asked, standing up as well. He paid his padd a small glance, as if about to reconsider his offer, but he shrugged it off. He stood without waiting for Jim to answer. "I have been waiting to meet this woman in person for a while. Need to thank her personally for those pictures she sent."

A smug smile crossed Bones' features and Jim glared. The padd of pictures that Maggie Jay had sent to Bones at the beginning of the semester had been propped up against one of the night tables, a picture of Jim and two-month-old Joanna on the screen. He thought that he may actually kill her for that.

"You can see her just in time for her funeral, too," he said irritably. He shook off the irritation when he saw Bones pulling on his own boots. "If you're going, I'm gonna grab Joanna."

He nodded, and Jim went into Joanna 's room to pick her up. He didn't want to wake her up yet, figuring he would carry her to Pike's office and then let Porthos do his job. With her blanket wrapped loosely around her, he cradled her in his arm, her arms automatically circling his neck and her cheek resting against his shoulder.

"Daddy?" she asked tiredly.

He patted her back, his fingers brushing the ends of her curls. "It's okay, Jo-bear. We're gonna go see grandpa."

Too tired to really form sentences, she repeated, "Grampa?"

"Yeah," he said with a smile. "He's got Ms. McCurdy in his office."

She snuffled for a second, rubbing her face into his neck. "He's got a 'Curdy, too?" she asked.

"No, he's got our Ms. McCurdy."

"Oh…" she trailed off, not awake enough to understand what Jim had just told her. She was asleep in his arms again when Jim returned to Bones. He was already in his jacket again, the early December weather just a little chilly. It wasn't as bad as it normally was in Iowa, but it was still cool. Jim handed Jo over to him and grabbed his own jacket, shrugging it on while watching Bones pet their daughter's hair just as he had been doing earlier. Jim felt his heart beat oddly in his chest, soft and erratic and almost ticklish in the way it fluttered.

"Ready?" he asked, when he caught Jim's gaze.

He nodded, palming open their door for Bones and stepping aside so that Bones could go first. He stopped him quickly, though, his hand grabbing onto the doctor's arm.

"Hey," Jim said, hand settling on the side of Bones' neck when he stopped. He moved around Joanna to press a quick kiss to Bones lips, looking down when they pulled away. His cheeks heated, warmth flooding his neck and face. He took a deep breath, suddenly nervous, though he didn't know why. He had been meaning to say this since the first time Bones had, but hadn't wanted it to seem like he was only saying them_ because_ Bones had. Still, though, this felt…odd. He looked up at Bones from beneath his brows and quietly admitted, "I love you."

Bones watched him for a moment, his eyes shining back with the same emotion. "I love you, too."

He took a deep breath, feeling a weight lifted off of him. With a slight nod, he stepped out of Bones' path again, saying, "Okay, let's go save the grumpy, old men from the crazy lady."

Following behind Bones, Jim smiled, unable to keep it inside.

He had a feeling it could only get better from here.

.x

+ststst+

A/N: Okay, so that was it for this part. **sighs** There_ will_ be more. When I first started this, there were ideas that I wanted to write…and I couldn't fit them down into this story, and I knew I couldn't. So pretty much by the fifth chapter, I knew this would be a series. I've just been holding that information ransom…what I expected the payment to be: not totally sure.

But there_ will_ be more and you should expect the next story to start being posted mid-September.

Thanks again to everyone. You all made this such a delight to write.

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A/N: Apparently, I wasn't done. Don't ask why I stopped at P.

+ststst+

Bones was getting home late that night, later than he usually did. Summer break left few students at the Academy, but that only meant that there were even less students to pull shift at medical. Bones had graciously pulled a double after one of the other doctors had fallen down a flight of stairs and split her head open. Of course, by graciously, Jim meant he had called Jim's communicator, cussed up a storm, apologized for cursing in front of Joanna, and then said that he'd see them tomorrow morning.

Jim wasn't paying any attention to that entire 'tomorrow morning' bullshit. He didn't actually have to make an appearance to classes, thanks to the wonderful invention of self-study and personal classes over the computer. He could stay up as late as he pleased, contrary to what Bones thought. Not to mention there were a few shows he felt like catching up on, and a few essays he had wanted to read for a while.

So, okay, he had retired to his room like he had been ordered to do, and he was in bed, but he just wasn't sleeping. Two out of three wasn't bad and all of his prenatal doctors could take a flying leap if they didn't agree. Christ, he wasn't made of brittle glass.

Halfway through his second show, Joanna had hopped into his room, her hair newly cut around her shoulders, her curls tighter now that the weight didn't straighten them out. Apparently, it was too boring for her in the living room and she had crawled up on the bed with Jim, flopping and bouncing with all the grace of a four and a half year old. She had originally sat right next to Jim, her hands rubbing his stomach excitedly and talking to her sister. Then, when she had had enough sisterly bonding, she spent the next several hours flopping around the bed and getting sucked into the cop show Jim had playing.

She had passed out at ten, lying down at the foot of his bed and curled up like a little puppy dog. Now, at three o'clock, Jim was contemplating taking her to her room for the night, or at the very least getting her a blanket. It wasn't necessarily cold in their suite. Jim made sure of that. However, it was always more comfortable to sleep with a blanket that without.

Jim was interrupted, halfway out of bed, by the sound of the suite door sliding open. Bones was home. Jim looked at the chronometer again, it was only three fifteen. Jim had been sure the doctor wouldn't return until five or so. He sat up further in the bed, putting his padd down beside him as Bones walked through their bedroom door, blinking slightly at the difference in light settings.

"What are you doing up?" he asked when he saw Jim was still awake.

"Not sleeping," Jim answered easily, giving a nonchalant shrug of his shoulder.

Bones rolled his eyes. Jim momentarily thought that he would start in on him like about sleep and how he needed it. He didn't, though. He took in the state of the room, instead. The television still on, volume set low, a plate with two tomato ends on the night table, Joanna on the end of the bed…his brows knitted downward.

"Nightmare?" he asked with a nod toward their daughter. He set about taking his outer layer of his teaching uniform off, pulling the jacket off of his shoulders and setting it on the top of their small dresser. While he was there he pulled out a t-shirt and some sleeping pants.

Jim watched him, replying absently, "No, that's just where she fell asleep."

Bones looked at him curiously. His tone probably left much to be desired, but he couldn't help it. Bones was a good looking man, and completely drool-worthy when he was winding down from the day, taking layers off as he went. He knew it, too! When he caught Jim's eyes, a small smirk stole his features and he made his way back over to where Jim was sitting, giving him a smug kiss on the lips.

"I'm gonna take Jo to bed," he said quietly. "Then I'll be back to talk to you and Georgie."

He settled his hand on Jim's stomach, like Joanna had done earlier in the evening. Georgie gave a little kick in response making both Jim and Bones smile.

"Y'know, she only does that for you," Jim said. "She doesn't like talking to anyone else."

The doctor hummed. "I am the favorite," he said smugly. He leaned in to peck Jim on the lips again. "I'm gonna put Jo in bed. Be right back."

Jim nodded, glancing over at the plate. "I'm going to take this to the reclycler real quick."

"I got it."

Jim scoffed. "Yeah, you'll carry our four year old_ and_ my plate?" Bones looked like he might agree, but Jim cut him off again. "Just…get Jo. I can handle a plate. Jesus."

Just think of what would have happened if Bones had walked in to see Jim carrying their daughter to bed, like he had originally been contemplating.

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A/N: There you go. That is a small snippet from the next story. I really hope you enjoyed it.

I'm actually leaving now.

(come take a bow with me!)

InnocentGuilt


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